RESOLVE A New ZP Custom

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#141

I can’t flex my creativity at my current job and that’s probably what kills me the most. People say “oh just take the job and then do creative things on the side”. Yeah but you’re still spending 40hrs a week doing something you aren’t aligned with, it’s not a good answer.

What the hell am I doing? I’m so stuck, I don’t feel like I’m living. I know part of this is unresolved mental health issues, but another part of it is I’m built a certain way. A way that is at odds with how things are done or the majority. It’s not that there isn’t a place for me, I just have to advocate for myself more instead of following this route that keeps leading to dead ends. I’m never gonna be happy if I keep taking jobs like this one.

I need to meet new people who are already in the type of lifestyle i want. All my life I’ve just been surrounded by people stuck in the same grind and I don’t fault them for it, but it’s almost impossible to break out of that reality when in moments of weakness the advice they give you twists up your trajectory.

Every day I force myself to get up, force myself to work, force myself to not just collapse on my couch at the end of the day and piss away my time on TV or my phone. But you know what? Im so tired of there being absolutely no state of flow to my life, no peace, no moment to catch my breath, constantly on and trying. Last night I had a panic attack in a dream, I didn’t even think that was possible. But the message was clear “you’re not acknowledging what your life is right now, you’re on autopilot. Let me show you how you really feel underneath all this”.

The US bases your mental health on how productive you are, not on your actual psychological state as a human being. So we’re constantly bombarded with messages of “pick yourself up, man up, and keep doing the same shit you’ve been doing to keep this circle jerk production line going. You can evaluate how much time you wasted when you retire and then consequently have a heart attack because the years of stress finally caught up to you”.

When I find a therapist I have to make it clear to them the goal isn’t to integrate into society more. It’s to improve my own well being. I don’t need someone pushing me in directions just so I can fit inside a box.

#142

Guess I’m dealing with a lot of anger.

A mistake I made again is thinking I could add Regeneration and then just not expect things to get derailed a bit in my life. Here’s the thing I’ve learned with healing in general. If part of your emotional wounds stems from not being the most functional person, when a healing sub invites more of that dysfunction you start feeling bad.

Therapist is more than necessary at this point. I’m doing my best to observe and let things pass and process, but I’m unloading a lot of stuff I don’t think I’m in any mental capacity to handle on my own. It just keeps coming up, I ignore it or distract myself, then get agitated. I’ve tried meditating on this stuff, this isn’t me being a coward or afraid to face my emotions. I just have a kill switch inside me that disengages from this stuff and cuts off processing. Physically, my body won’t allow me to engage it. Now I’m wondering if that’s part of the sub trying to keep me safe and away from further trauma.

#143

Hmmm after I wrote that post I got to thinking how I’m going about processing this stuff. It seems my default response is to relax my body, but I think I’m promoting detachment vs integration. Still trying to figure out how to even process this stuff. Seems like I’ve got a whole bunch of coping mechanisms that served to keep me from this pain that I don’t need anymore but are still very much automatic.

#144

Try Elixir ZP

" Your healing with Elixir ZP solo will be a meticulous, step by step process that dives deep into numerous issues and areas of your life and inner being."

I personally go slowly. I get that overwhelm of emotions from my past traumas and my mind body go to the default response of repression.

Elixir helps a lot in slowly letting go.

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#145

Working slowly is really important. A lesson I haven’t quite learned yet. I still make the mistake of allowing myself to push myself further than I should for the sake of moving forward faster. Have you used Regeneration at all?

#146

Yea, I used RegenrationQ version. That was my first sub from here.

Helped at that time. But the results faded.
Now using Ascensionzp and Elixirzp.

Work great. I had to cut down my use very much. I only use 3min of one sub one day. And take two days off and then go with 3min of the other sub.

Still overwhelming sometimes.
You and I have very similar emotional coping mechanisms that’s why I commented here.

In the future I may use Regerationzp. Not right now. Life is too busy.

3 Likes
#147

Thanks for the input. I usually listen to my custom and Regeneration the same day. Maybe I should split it up as well.

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#148

Slow and steady wins the race.

1 Like
#149

I think somewhere along the line in my life things got blurred between being a responsible mature adult and living a life that’s fulfilling. Responsible and mature isn’t about making fear based decisions and bending to the pressures of “being realistic”. I’ve never heard a phrase that gets under my skin more, “be realistic” is just saturated with limitations and it pushes you in a certain life direction.

What really pisses me off is some people in this world really have an insensitive to mold you into another cog in the wheel. I thought for years I was just being paranoid, but no with a lot of shit I’m seeing in this country now they want you complacent and under their thumb.

#150

Lowered my listening volume by a lot yesterday. It seems to have helped with the processing.

Thinking about it and yeah I absolutely have a strong emotional reaction to being told what to do. I don’t like it, but it’s a very prominent part of my personality. So lowering the volume might have helped tame that. I don’t feel the usual internal sort of tug of war where I’m battling to follow the script vs ignoring it.

That being said listening at a lower volume hit way harder. About an hour after listening last night I thought I was going to get up in my room and break something. I was filled with this intense anger. Eventually it subsided but usually that doesn’t happen to me. Which leads me to believe listening at the lower volume helped me cooperate more with uncovering stuff.

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#151

My mistake:let’s heal and never think about these parts of myself again by becoming someone entirely different.

What’s really supposed to be happening: rescue my deeper self from the pit of hell I’ve been stuck in for years and understand that’s me. Bring that individual to the front, not this weird artificial creation that fronts all the time.

It’s weird. I’m getting closer to myself but at the same time I don’t know myself deep down. That part never developed or had a voice. I’ve dealt with this in my life a lot, this feeling like I don’t have a strong personality or identity.

As I make these realizations then research other CPTSD experiences people have they match 1 to 1. I tick all the boxes for it. I still have to consult a therapist about it.

#152

I listen at the lowest volume with headphones.

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#153

Really heavy stuff coming up. I don’t really want to discuss it here. But Regeneration keeps drilling down. I’ll say this, sometimes there are layers of issues we can’t even touch until we address the top level guarding it. But once you open those gates, it can be a lot of stuff you weren’t ready for.

2 Likes
#154

Is Sanguine, Love Bomb, or Elixir helping?

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#155

I put in a support ticket for this, but I wasn’t sure if my custom qualified as 2 titles or one. So I assumed it was effectively 2 and Regeneration puts me at 3 so I haven’t had room for any of those others.

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#156

Working on track templates and programs for my MPC. Trying to minimize setup hassle so I can dive right in and everything is at my fingertips.

I’ve read the manual twice now, but for whatever reason none of it sticks. A common issue I run into, thinking I can just load my brain with pre-emptive knowledge. It never works. So I’m just trying to get the basics down enough to get into the songwriting and leave the more advanced concepts for future exploration.

Going on weeks now I haven’t touched my music. One of my barriers is definitely just the idea of making stuff is exhausting. In my current state I can’t write full songs and the idea of stopping at a single loop depresses me. Just a lot of old familiar struggles that cut deep because when I first got into music this exact thing stopped me from progressing or enjoying it.

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#157

This is all exhausting. Holding off on another listening of the subs for this week. Not going to hit these up again until I’m out of whatever this is.

It can be summed up with “finish what’s on your plate”. It makes absolutely no sense for me to listen to the sub again if I’ve still got plenty in the queue to work on. More and more I’m realizing my capacity to integrate the subs fast and efficiently is really just bottlenecked by my own emotional issues. The solution isn’t as simple as run Regeneration because I still run into the same bottleneck with that title.

It’s tempting to think “oh I’ll just slap on a healing sub, work through all this, and it’ll be smooth sailing” Yeah but healing is demanding and it involves a lot of introspection. I’m just now understanding what the hell healing actually is from a fundamental emotional level.

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#158

I’m going through some heavy recon for this simple fact. Even the people in your life that love you can unintentionally hurt you or stifle your growth. The generational wounds in my family run deep, much deeper than I originally anticipated. Creating healthy boundaries is important, but also becomes a challenge when you want to trust someone in your life close to you unconditionally.

It has gotten very lonely for me because I’ve realized I’m surrounded by individuals who are still held captive by their unresolved trauma. And my own unresolved trauma which can be triggered by their actions.

None of it is intentional, but that doesn’t negate the negative impact it has on me. I won’t be cutting anyone out of my life, but I’m going through a reorientation period of trying to evaluate what my actual relationship is vs what I wanted it to be.

2 Likes
#159

Stay strong and keep going

2 Likes
#160

I’m not 100% sure if Ascended Mogul is right in this custom.

To be honest I respond very poorly to incredibly masculine archetypes. I’m still trying to figure that one out. It might be a result of not fitting in as a kid, being a more sensitive or reserved type. Bumping up against that and not wanting to become the very thing that criticized and belittled me.

It could be this sub triggers too much past trauma and gets me into fight mode far too much. I don’t want to be a warrior out to conquer things or the world. I just want to be creative, inspired, and explore this world more. I told myself no more sub flip flopping but I’m thinking of rebuilding my custom with StarkQ.

Basically I don’t want past hurt to dictate who I am or need to be. I’ve always felt like I’ve tried to hide something or bury some past by becoming this bulletproof full on no fucks given type of guy. I think if I leaned into my sensitive introverted nature more I’d get more out of the world for myself.

I remember as a kid watching TV shows or movies with the cool badass guy and feeling these pangs of inferiority. Not feeling ok with who I am, feeling like as a male I was inherently broken or needed to be corrected.

I’d like just enough confidence in me to guard against those who want to tear me down, but not fundamentally change who I am. I’ve realized that desire to change completely just stems from shame and not being able to look at myself and feel ok with how I am.

Eh maybe this is just a turning point for me and understanding what I really need to get out of AM. I started with an idea, but now I’m seeing what really needs to change. I’m going to assume the archetype isn’t that rigid. Hard to say with this stuff, I can’t tell if I’m ignoring parts of the script or not.

Probably recon. Most definitely recon. I’m going to stick to what I have. I get to define my masculinity, not be held hostage by some arbitrary crap I’ve learned in my life.

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