Grabbed an MPC 1000. Start of an entirely new workflow with my music. This is gonna be a learning process, but I think the efficiency will be much higher in the end. If not I can always resell, these things are always in demand.
Trying not to build up expectations in my head like it’s going to completely redefine how I make music and get me more productive. Just take it one day at a time to see what it brings to my music exploration.
Damn.
Nice.
So I’ve still been picking at the online dating thing. 2 things I’ve realized.
One, I get bored very easily. If a woman doesn’t reciprocate with engaging conversation I just fall off completely.
Two, I seem to be most comfortable with women who aren’t neurotypical. I definitely have some hangups around “normal” people. I know that’s a highly debated thing, but you have to admit there are people out there who are more conventional or normal in a way that society favors. When I’m around people, especially women that have their shit together, plan well, or are incredibly organized with ease it triggers a very deep shame within me.
There’s still a lot about me I have trouble with when it comes to women. The more they remind me of the aspects of life I struggle with, the more I don’t want to associate with them. This is all entirely on me, but it just makes the barrier to communication harder because I feel like I can’t be myself. And then of course the other annoying one, the more overt a woman is about her interest the more likely I am to push her away. Whatever she sees, there’s a huge dissonance that pushes up inside me and I stop wanting to keep things moving forward.
It’s funny because I thought once I had my own place I’d feel less of a stigma since I was living with my dad before. But nothing has really changed. So I guess I was just using that as the scapegoat for not engaging women more in the past as well.
I’ve got a Danny Elfman masterclass I was watching bits of. Just randomly picking videos that I felt drawn to.
He was talking about doubt and insecurity and how he still deals with it when making his music. And it got me thinking, am I setting myself up for failure by having an expectation of what writing music is supposed to be like? I’m all for conquering limiting beliefs and challenging things, but I’m starting to think I spend too much time beating myself up over things not going to plan.
It’s funny when I think of the process of writing music. You have the one inspirational moment where the ideas come in and maybe you capture the overall theme or motif. But it’s like a snapshot in time. So of course when you come back to it in a day or two it’s going to be different, there’s a bunch of other stuff that’s been processed in my head and maybe even new experiences.
I guess what I’m confused about with these subliminals in general. Where’s the line between challenging limitations vs learning how things really work and operating from within there to achieve your goals? More and more I feel like I can’t really fundamentally change things about myself and it’s wasted effort trying. Instead I should learn how to achieve what I want and enjoy life despite those things. But I can’t tell if “how things really work” is just a limiting belief, you know? So many things in this life I don’t have the answers for, it can be impossible knowing what’s what.
Really heavy reconciliation. It’s manifesting as intense agitation because I can’t “figure things out”. That was my last post here.
But I feel like I’m going about this all the wrong way. Doing a deep dissection of my psyche, figuring out what’s wrong, and then trying to find solutions within that limited paradigm. I’m still in the same box, maybe a slightly bigger one but I’m still limiting myself.
Why does my mind find it so necessary to approach solutions in a limited way? I have a tendency to form connections and build complex theoretical maps, but at the end of the day they are solutions to a certain limiting paradigm or reality. They don’t aid in any way except giving slight relief, but they still perpetuate the old beliefs.
The first time through a particular area it’s hard to ‘trust the process’.
After we get through and we do trust the process, we then are exasperated at “all the time we wasted” unnecessarily questioning things instead of appreciating what we were lucky to have at the time.
Not sure there is an answer to this. With each successive evolutionary leap, maybe we shed a little bit more of the anxiety around the whole thing? Maybe not?
But anyway, remember:
I actually have that book lol. I’ll take this as a sign to reread it. It’s been one of the hardest books to read for me. I’d find myself reading passages then need to put it away or find an excuse not to continue.
Yeah it’s really tricky. I’ve been around a lot of self growth material. I’d hole myself up with my laptop as a teen just digging through random forums for products or modalities to figure out how to escape the personal hell I felt trapped in. Reading success stories and people rapidly changing, then looking at my own situation and asking myself “what the hell am I doing wrong?” Consequently most of my younger years were spent trying to figure out how to live life vs actually living it. Very much feeling like I was on the outside looking in with everyone.
I’m growing with these subs. But I question it a lot. And I’m not too sure if that’s me being critical of my own rate of growth or trying to explore past the limiting beliefs surrounding growth I’ve been conditioned to.
No clear cut answers and I think that uncertainty gives rise to fear.
I think it’s less about reading it and more about just doing it. Talking to yourself and treating yourself as you would a valued, respected friend.
Cheering you on, mate.
Make time for fun!
Man you’re right. Look at me turning towards a book to give myself permission to show compassion. No book is going to give me that ability
Just realized today that what I thought was upright while sitting was collapsed posture. I’m being more aware of it now and making sure I release all this tension. One thing I notice when I stretch out my stomach it feels like there are knots in my muscles. As I slowly release that tension it gives rise to emotions. Also slight spasms in my muscles.
I think there is a lot of stored tension in my core that also somehow restricts emotional expression. I don’t quite understand how that works, but there’s a lot of feelings of holding stuff back. It kind of feels like holding your breath except it’s the muscles sort of braced for impact.
I have read that under a lot of stress our bodies pull into more defensive posture. We cover our chest and sort of curl up. I can definitely attest to the fact that I feel folded in half posture wise. Even though my posture has improved, the underlying pulling in hasn’t been addressed which I think is an underlooked component of posture.
Anyway, I might need to explore some more physical releasing to move ahead with the subs. It seems like my body knows how to lock down and prevent things from advancing. Sort of like an emergency state where I’m paused and taking in stimulus but not processing due to high alert.
There’s actually a term for this. Armoring. And it happens with drum roll … CPTSD.
For the life of me I can’t understand how I match all the symptoms of CPTSD but have absolutely nothing traumatic in my life. It just makes zero sense to me.
Note to self, the mechanisms these subliminals work through are natural processes in a human. If I’m horribly detached from those processes then I’m not going to get results.
I still have a lot to learn about healthy emotional processing. This is not coming easy to me. But it’s still progress for me because I’m finally learning how to take care of myself better.
Truth.
Well, you’ll still get them. But it may take you longer to acknowledge them and realize that you’ve gotten them. It’s going to happen either way.
People who don’t believe in the existence of a cardiovascular system, still have working hearts and circulating blood. (But they probably wouldn’t make very good heart surgeons.)
This is true. But there’s a level of conscious access to the emotional processing that can interfere with the natural process of it. It can also be used to aid growth as well though. Bit of a double edged sword I guess. I’m trying to learn to trust in the process more vs micromanaging everything.
Hard work getting you everything you are trying for is the biggest lie. It’s a lesson we’ve all learned, as if hard work overcomes everything. Hard work won’t get you away from manipulative companies, won’t guarantee more money in your life, won’t override whatever beliefs hold you back, and most of all nobody owes you anything for hard work. There’s no universal contractual agreement where hard workers are rewarded. If anything abusive people can sniff this out and use it against you.
Is hard work valuable though? Yes. But it has to be agreed upon and have an end purpose, not an imaginary expectation.
Confession time. I was gaining moment and taking off as far as results go then I decided to pull a nosedive. Wasting time on my phone, avoiding stuff, starting the negative self talk to feel more comfortable.
It’s tough. When I get stuck in these loops I have trouble pulling myself out. Sheer willpower doesn’t do it. Even though I try to do it and don’t succeed which is pretty painful to experience.
I just feel all messed up. The same routine day in day out is driving me absolutely mad. But at the same time I have no idea what I should be doing for myself. None of this feels real anymore. I feel like a character dropped off in the wrong lifeline and I’m legitimately confused why my life is this. That feeling of “something is off here” is getting stronger. Whatever attachments I had to my previous life feels like they are being pushed away.
MPC should be coming today. Very nervous. I shouldn’t be, but I am. An entirely new workflow and I’m not sure how steep the learning curve is. Though I’ve read MPCs are designed to be as easy as possible to get stuff down with and play around.
Sometimes I buy stuff and get ahead of myself thinking it’s gonna fix everything for me. But a few years ago, I might have even written here on the forum I was hesitant to go fully out of the computer for music making. So at least I’m changing it up which means I’m not afraid to explore new methods as much.
AM puts a fire in you. A “don’t think about messing with me” mentality. So I’m realizing how bad my recon has been because of that.
When I was a kid my dad would get really angry sometimes. I wasn’t allowed to defend myself or put up boundaries because that made things worse. So I learned to not own any of that personal power or use it.
Pretty much everytime this personal power was rising up in me on this sub my subconscious flagged it as bad or wrong. I think I’ve been cutting off the fuel for the manifestation of AM.
This is something I really need to work on because I invite abuse as a result of this. It has largely felt like I’ve been fighting not to allow this to express itself when in reality I need this energy in my life more.
But that’s not everything. That’s not the ultimate answer to getting results out of the sub.
“Results” shouldn’t even be my concern. I shouldn’t even be burdening myself with some metric of getting success from these subs. I don’t know why I do that. This should be the one place where I grow at my own rate and stop hurting myself with comparison. But it’s a sickness I’ve dealt with for most of my life.
Just taking a more reflective look at myself now and the struggles I’ve faced along with the lack of compassion for those struggles.
Just realized gloryseeker might be triggering massive recon in me. Gloryseeker basically has a goal of making you special with all eyes on you. But it has a tendency to go a little something like this in my head. .
“Hey what if you had a voice, uniqueness, expression, or special aspect to you? What if you valued that and shared it with the world and felt good about it?”
“Nah that sounds narcissistic. I don’t have anything to show to warrant that. I don’t want to end up arrogant and blind to the shortcomings of my own music.”
So I have trouble valuing aspects of my own creations and music. Most of this is fear. But I think underneath the fear is a desire to stay small, hide myself, perpetuate some pseudo humbleness. I’ve never liked being center of attention, so you might be wondering why the hell did you put in gloryseeker? Well growth really. Pushing my boundaries, challenging “safe” options. We can’t really be free until we have the ability to choose what we want to be vs structuring a life around predefined beliefs and habits. So before I say no to things I want to know if that’s preference vs fear and limiting beliefs pulling the strings.