I know you said you’re an Enneagram 9w1 but you often read kind of like a 4w5.
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Very very possible. I might have identified more as 9w1 because of the brutally honest descriptions of 4w5 and wanting to distance myself from that. I’d agree that 4w5 is more fitting especially with regards to emotions. I used to think I actively suppressed them or avoided, but I never actually did that because they still impacted me heavily and I’d get stuck in them. I am most definitely the chaotic, inner whirlwind, and strong focus on individuality and self expression type. Brooding artist seems to be the stereotype I fit even though I hate the idea of it.
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You’re thinking of the worst parts of it.
The jewel of 4s is the unflinching emotional honesty and depth.
(the willingness to go wherever that path leads)
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Lol a very 4w5 thing to do I guess. Appreciate the balanced perspective. I guess that part of it never crossed my mind. I need to start seeing the other side of the coin more with who I am. ZP definitely is yanking that out of me.
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Holy crap do I hate washouts. Or the beginning of them at least. I feel so physically tired and beat up.
Anyway the friend I sent the music to liked it. And then we chatted a bit about things. I got some motivation to start unpacking more of my stuff and getting back into it. I feel like i still haven’t quite found my home for my music. I like messing around in all types of genres. Ideally I don’t stay in a genre, but just create what I feel. But man is it all over the place. One day it’s shoegaze, another day is 80s coldwave, dnb, house, heavy bass/glitch hip hop, etc. I feel like its all good for inspiration and influence, but I kind of need it all to synthesize into my music. Something I can put my mark on.
Might be the trailblazer module, I want to do something unique with my music. At the same time I have to be careful not to end up in that state of paralysis by trying to be 100% original which is ultimately impossible.
Grappling with some really tough stuff. My job has 1000% burned me out. Beyond the every day maintenance I haven’t had time to develop my own skills that would help me. It’s hurting me staying in this job for two reasons. 1 my mental health and energy level is compromised and 2 I’m losing usefulness outside this company which has me shackled to it.
I can’t really move up to the next level as sys admin because I haven’t built up enough skills here to fulfill that role. And I’m afraid if I go into another desktop support role I’ll be in a dead end. I’ve contemplated getting into programming more and going that route.
Overall it’s just really difficult to make moves because I need to put time and energy into building up skills. But right now I feel like I’m only able to maintain and not build. Might be the washout hitting me really heavy though. I just feel stuck. I know the answer, but I’m having trouble executing it.
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Last day of my washout then back on it tomorrow. Will be experimenting with 3 min loops instead of 5.
So for this washout, I haven’t felt this shitty about myself in a while. Interacting with people has been difficult. I just felt like I came across as an idiot, incompetent, or wrong to everyone else. Heavy desire to self isolate and shut myself out from the world. Feeling like I’ll never exist functioning in the normal every day routines people engage in. That I have to pretend and blend in with these environments and I’m tired of it. Lots of lost hope for ever finding a life I can be happy with.
I went from I don’t care what others think guarded stuff to I’m actually not as good as everyone else around me and I’m the black sheep everywhere I go. Does it feel good? No, not at all. But if this is where I have to go to improve myself to gain a actual self confidence then it has to be done. No more stupid cardboard thin presentations that topple over at the slightest wind.
Ugh. It’s one thing doing all this inner work on yourself. But it’s a whole other can of worms when you have to balance the recon so you don’t become dysfunctional. I haven’t quite figured that out yet because a lot of my issues are strongly based in the social area of life and yeah you absolutely need to be well adapted to that otherwise people look at you like an outcast.
The simple thing I’ve come to realize during this washout is fear of rejection is still very strong. So strong in fact I’d rather reject everyone around me first as a way to control that.
I’d rather be able to form my own judgements about people vs having some predetermined knee jerk reaction based on my own insecurities.
Damn. Why is this so hard to crack? The real kicker is even when I think I’m extending myself more and opening up I’m still calculating my actions and what I say.
On the mogul front I do feel this inner expectation to be paid enough to enjoy life comfortably without worry. Which needs to be solidified. It’s not ok to struggle financially, that’s not normal for my reality. I acknowledge other people struggle with that and I’m very sympathetic, but I won’t suffer the same fate.
I’ve also noticed something really manipulative people do that want to hoard all the money for themselves. They’ll shame you, gaslight you, tell you that you should be happy for what you have and now you’re just being greedy. They’ll make you think that the lifestyle you desire is a luxury, when really it’s baseline level living and they’ve just convinced you to accept poverty.
I don’t know if there’s anything in AM that teaches you to look out for that, but the barrier to wealth for me is 100% rooted in self worth issues. I have a tendency to make myself small, feel like a burden on others, or think my needs are excessive. This results in accepting the bare minimum in life, but that’s not ok.
Ran my custom for 3 min today to test. Can confirm it hits later. Really interesting. I was sitting at my computer at work and then all of a sudden got hit with that zp perception shift. The one where it feels like you just woke up inside a dream, except you’re not asleep. It faded after a bit and I don’t feel as weighed down after running it. I think I’ll be trying out this routine moving forward.
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Thought you might dig this musician as well as find some of her videos practically useful.
She’s a classically trained pianist, so a lot of her examples are focused from the sensibility of that world, but I feel like there’s inspiration to be had that could be applied to other contexts.
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Thanks for the share! I’ll definitely be digging into her stuff. I just watched a video where she composes something with a looper and a synth and it was great.
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Had a semi lucid dream last night with a song running through my head that I seemed to have composed in my dream. It was a ravey/breakbeat type track with the really iconic piano chords. But it also had some really deep ambient pads and orchestral type strings. It was less repetitive dance beat and more symphonic evolving music.
I’m just having trouble figuring out how to write stuff lately or getting into a good workflow. I really like the ease of use for DAWs and being able to do more complex arrangements, but my brain can’t stop. It gets easily distracted by everything even if I try to limit myself. My 4 track works, but it relies heavily on my ability to perform whole sections. I can’t copy and paste, change a few midi notes here and there, or alter a chord I just played. But I think I’m going to keep trying with my 4 track because being able to perform things or improvise over stuff will help me get ideas out a lot faster vs constantly clicking in notes on a computer screen. I just get major fomo like my music is going to suffer if I don’t use a DAW.
But at this point I have to ask myself. Would you rather consistently create music that’s kind of limited but still enjoy yourself? Or stress yourself over a process that doesn’t work that well for the sake of some imaginary music in the future?
Sometimes with ZP I think to myself, why now?
I was driving in my car and I don’t even know how it happened but I started thinking about a girl I dated in high school who cheated on me. It wasn’t even a serious relationship, I just crushed on her hard and asked her out. First time in my life a girl I thought was attractive found me attractive. Mind blown. But me being incredibly awkward/anxious back then had no idea how to proceed with anything. But she was more experienced and expecting stuff. I did like her, but I think I was just a passing novelty. That’s what it felt like at least. So after she cheated she said don’t get angry, upset, I’m sorry I did that. I told her it was all fine I could look past it. But honest to god I can’t remember what happened after that, I think she just stopped talking to me. And I was just like “welp that sucks, let’s just pretend none of that actually happened and at the same time never bother to do that again”.
I don’t even harbor hate or resentment for her. It’s strange. I saw all that behavior as directly my fault and almost expected it. It was kind of like “yeah this is expected, this is how this was gonna go down. You’re in too far over your head”.
And maybe that’s where my complete inability to engage beyond friendly banter with women comes from. I always feel in over my head. I’m cold and aloof, but not in a nonchalant way. More like a “alright don’t open up, people don’t like it when you open up and be yourself”.
Didn’t really sign up for AM to work on my ability to have romantic and sexual relationships but here we are. I know that’s in the script, but I’m just making a joke. This has been a part of me I’ve neglected for a while. I’m very incapable of just going beyond friendly banter or light flirting. Even if I consciously want to, my subconscious pumps the brakes. Very annoying.
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Made some music last night finally. The only thing I used that was sequenced was drums. The rest I played in by hand. I have to redo a section of my chords with the pads, I had a brilliant progression going then hit the wrong key. Tape is cool because you can overwrite sections, but you can’t really correct a performance. Bass needs to be laid down again because it wasn’t tight enough.
I think the best approach moving forward is a combo of sequencing and live playing over the top. A lot of electronic music has running motifs where the changes are in the timbre rather than the actual notes played. Which makes sense, it’s tough to play a motif and tweak knobs at the same time.
Going to be watching some videos and reading up on others workflow with this stuff. Hardware sequencers are definitely new territory for me. Still can’t believe Squarepusher sequenced one of his albums on a dr-550. It’s insane what early producers could squeeze out of limited tech. I’ve got a dr-5 which is a second version and programming that thing by hand is incredibly tedious.
So what I’ve learned. Trying to get the perfect setup, workflow, structure, methodology, etc. is a draining waste of time for me. The new goal is having just enough structure and flow in my music creating process to get the ideas out. And write and keep writing. Just keep the tap turned on, worry about improvements and optimization some other time. I need to stretch my muscle responsible for spontaneity and creativity. I don’t need to get everything perfect before starting, I just need to start. I can always figure things out alongside the creative process. Honestly that’s the better approach because then I can see what I REALLY need to improve vs what I think I do.
Ascension chamber in effect. I may have found something that solves the exact problem I was running into with music creation. I was so excited when I found out about it today. They create midi loopers, which are similar in principle to audio loopers except they sequence midi parts. So I can use my groovebox to lay down drums, then use the midi looper with my Blofeld synth which is multitimbral to play in different parts like bass, pads, or lead. The midi looper has 3 tracks, but each track can have 4 separate patterns and you can even have varying pattern length. So you can get some really cool polyrhythmic stuff.
I feel like this exists for my exact needs lol. I also turned a profit today on some crypto I dumped. Not playing that game anymore, but with the earnings I can grab this thing without feeling guilty about spending my money. This thing is going to be amazing for my creativity. Just loop stuff up, play live over the top, then record to cassette. Doesn’t get much more streamlined than that. Even ambient noodles just fiddling with knobs will be tons of fun.
Ive pretty much come to the conclusion that I’m not a highly structured, organized, planned sort of musician. My best ideas are spontaneous, in the moment where I can interact in real time with the whole composition. For years I tried to force myself into that role and it hasn’t worked. So it’s time to just embrace the music process that feels most natural to me instead.
Bleh turns out they didn’t have them in stock and for a few hundred more I can get something way more powerful.
Just have to find a seller. Man I started buying older gear at the worst time. Back in 2017 you could get an MMT-8 sequencer for 30 bucks. Now everyone wants 100-200. Hell I’d grab an mpc 1000 at this point, but the market is insane.
I’d grab a more modern one but honestly they ruined them. Too many features and processing which compromises tight timing. Older sequencers just sound better to me. It’s really a bummer when developers start going the route of cramming a bunch of stuff into one package vs making something that does one thing really well.
That’s my rant. Guess I’ll make due with my dr-5 and circuit for now and keep an eye out.
We got a new guy on our team at work. He’s super knowledgeable in network and security. I started talking with him and he’s gonna help me learn more stuff which is awesome. Get some more real world knowledge vs dated books and courses, some on the job training too.
The music thing has been tough getting off the ground. Maybe it needs time to incubate a bit. Decided to grab an MPC 1000 when I find one for a good price. I’ll be going all hardware which means no computer.
Trying to find a path for myself has been rough. Ive been reluctant to work on my skills outside of work, but I’m gonna have to bite the bullet and do it. Fact is I have no solid plan for a music career. I just like making music and I wish I had more time and energy to do it. If building up my skills in IT grants me the flexibility to move from job to job or have higher pay, that might help me feel more stable so I can focus on my music more.
I feel like overall I’m not in any place to face risks and reap the rewards. Not having a plan, stuck in a job, and fantasizing about being good at music is not risk taking behavior. Just because I can end up struggling financially trying to achieve some goal doesn’t make it a high risk high reward action. What I’m trying to say is there’s risks you take because an opportunity presents itself that’s advantageous and there’s risks you take due to neglect and overall inflexibility. I’m in the second camp. Those types of risks just bite you in the ass because it’s really risks you face when you drift through life and let things push you around.
Too all or nothing. Too much of my self worth wrapped up in this artist image. I feel like if I don’t do something big and monumental with my life I’m a failure. That’s simply not true. There’s more subtlety to life I’m not seeing.
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I’m convinced that most opportunities are lost not because they’re risky but because we don’t know about them. Or we see them and don’t recognize them. Like one of those amazing spaces in the city that’s hidden behind a really dumpy exterior.
The job that you’re in right now is perfect for someone else, and that person doesn’t know about it.
The opportunities that are perfect for you are probably just sitting somewhere waiting for you. The person who’s in them right now probably doesn’t even like them.
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Been thinking about that a lot lately. My circle of living is incredibly small. At the same time I’ve always had trouble expanding it. Part of that is because I have no actual visual representation or memory of places or areas Ive visited. A vague blur, sometimes that blur becomes sharper if I’ve spent significant time there. But ultimately it’s like blotches in my minds eye. I’m basically the equivalent of those video games where you advance to unlock parts of a map to help you explore better, but mine constantly reverts back to nothing.
Once again I have to figure out how to make things work for my particular brain and mind because conventional advice doesn’t seem to stick.
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