RESOLVE A New ZP Custom

[Fractal_Explorer]

Messed up my sleep the other night. Went to bed at 1am staying up working on music. My wake up time is 6am.

Got to bed at a more reasonable hour yesterday. Woke up this morning feeling like my body needed to release inner tension. There’s an internal thrashing inside me like a restless animal. I can’t really use this energy, I mean if I was about to fight someone it would be insanely useful. But my day to day tasks can’t really channel it. I kind of just want to throw my laptop across the room today and punch a hole in my monitor.

On the flip side, while I’m in this mood I highly doubt I’m gonna feel any of the familiar anxiety or guilt of not keeping on top of tasks at work because I have well and truly had it. I don’t care about keeping on top of this ever growing mountain of work because we’re short staffed.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Alright I either have to supplement with
Sanguine
Elixir
Love Bomb

Can I just transcend the need for money? Just not have my whole goddamn life revolve around it? I came out of the worst period of my life from my teens and 20s into this shit at 31. This was supposed to be a period in my life where stuff turns around, not be saddled with more trauma from being a dysfunctional adult.

I’ve been hanging onto music as my thread of sanity. But more and more I’m facing the harsh reality that

1. My music isn’t progressing anywhere near consistent enough
2. I don’t engage in it nearly enough to have it be a bigger part of my life.
3. It’s become a source of stress, frustration, and perceived failure

I’m learning this is what’s called a “healing fantasy”. Basically it’s this belief that if this one fantasy in your head is fulfilled it will erase all the emotional pain that might exist from childhood. They are coping fantasies created to basically distance yourself from trauma and hold out for hope of something better. It’s not real or genuine, and anything that threatens it causes a severe break in mental health. Which makes sense now why making music can either put me on top of the world or feeling like killing myself depending on how it goes.

Basically whatever I’ve thought I’ve been building towards is a huge lie. I just kept telling myself it was closer and closer so I didn’t have to actually acknowledge my massive shortcomings in literally every aspect of my life which causes widespread anxiety. And why wouldn’t it? As an adult there’s an assumption you’re supposed to know how to provide for yourself and take care of your needs and I’ve got none of that.

If I’m going to have goals or priorities in life I want them to be genuine. Not clouded by fear or an attempt to escape something. But goddamn, starting from 0 at 31 years old is just about the most painful thing I’ve dealt with in my life.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Eesh. Guess that’s what happens when you poke and unravel the only thing holding someone together.

I don’t say this stuff to tear myself down. I’m just brutally honest with myself because I have to be in order to grow. Ok maybe it could be slightly less condescending but let’s hit facts about my life.

• Slammed with anxiety since a child. I remember having gut dropping feelings just going to school as a kid.

• Patterns of dissociation, running from issues vs solving them. Escaping into elaborate fantasies or “one days” while my life burns up around me. Literally this meme
  

• Being exploited by others, taken advantage of, failing to set boundaries. I’ve either been an overly passive punching bag or a raging lunatic ready to rip someone’s head off. There’s no in between.

• Low to non existent emotional closeness in relationships. I feel bad for not being able to connect on a deeper level and simultaneously don’t even want to be around people.

• Complete disorganization of average aspects of life. These past 3 weeks I’ve cooked different meals for myself and im exhausted with it. I’d rather starve myself some days than deal with the effort of cooking and cleaning.

That being said. I don’t expect these subs to help resolve any of this at this point. It’s pretty much beyond the scope of them. I definitely need professional help to supplement them. I can’t get my shit together if 90% of my mental resources are going to maintaining some semblance of functioning and the other 10% actually moving towards stuff. That 10% is very very low life satisfaction. I bottled it up for a while and tried to put on a happy face but something in me snapped these past few weeks. On one hand I’m finally addressing what’s been plaguing me for years as a gnawing grinding feeling. On the other hand, I wasn’t ready to deal with this/absolutely have no resources to handle it on my own.

[Malkuth]

Fair enough.

Now, for balance, what are your strategies for how you will be able to recognize health, happiness, and wellbeing?

Landing a plane at a particular airport is not simply a matter of ‘avoiding all of the wrong airports’. You need precise coordinates (and instructions and landing protocols) for the specific destination you’re actually aiming to reach.

So where are your maps and your detailed descriptions of Wellbeing?

I see you studying Dysfunction and Breakdown in great detail and with sophisticated intricacy. Yet your explorations of Wellbeing seem primarily to involve brief, vague generalizations about ‘Other People’. You are being so clear and unflinching about Dysfunction. It seems only balanced to apply the same rigor and focus to understanding its counterpart. Particularly since your goal is to attain that counterpart.

[Fractal_Explorer]

I definitely don’t have an answer to this. I guess the idea of wellbeing is anxiety provoking because it’s been this illusive thing that I don’t seem to “get”.

But now that I’ve stopped burdening myself with holding back all this, I can use that freed up energy to explore what I have to do to get to that well-being.

It’s just going to take some deeper understanding what self care for myself actually is. It hasn’t been there for a large portion of my life.

[Malkuth]

It is my sincere intention for you to not only attain ever-deepening comfort, ease, and familiarity with wellbeing but to, in tandem, access ever more abundant wellsprings and oceans of wellbeing, thriving, prosperity, joy, and abundance.

May your mind be blown and delighted by all of the good that comes to you and that you are able to easily receive and experience.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Thank you, I really appreciate it. Your words helped me connect with at small piece of me that never gave up on achieving these things.

I needed to meet myself at my lowest point to understand how to continue forward. These things that people in my life weren’t able to acknowledge, I never learned to acknowledge them for myself.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Thinking about it more I’m not going to see a professional. Two reasons. 1. Cost, too much money for a gamble. 2. I’ve had a really bad experience in the past with a therapist and I never want to go through that emotional gaslighting again. I know there are good ones out there but it’s a real crapshoot. At this point in my life I’m better off giving me the support I need by having 100% control over sharing my deepest emotional experiences and processing my trauma.

So I guess what I’m gonna do is allocate 45 minutes a week to myself to engage in my own therapy sessions. I think having a schedule and directed focus will help me pull up the limiting beliefs without judgement, but then have a forward focus so I don’t get buried in them. I also think my level of self care and compassion is finite at times. I can focus for 45 minutes to give myself the best care I can, but maintaining that throughout the week can be a challenge. So it’s better I utilize it to my full extent vs some half assed attempts throughout the week that only make me feel guilty.

Damn, maybe not. I’ll do this but still try to find someone. I know they’re out there I’ll just be more firm than I have in the past. Previous therapists I went to from the position of “I’m a burden, failure, and if I don’t follow their instructions to a t I’m just trying to stay miserable”.

This is hard but I know this is an important step for my own progression in life. To be honest this is all echoes of my mom’s perspective on therapy every time I talked about it growing up. Being independent is fine, but if that independence isn’t working it’s time to get help. She would fight me on this every time because it hit too close to her own insecurities.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Journal has been heavy lately so I figured I’d throw in some counterbalance. I emailed a therapist today, she practices internal family systems therapy. Basically IFS is all about learning to communicate and integrate more fragmented parts of your mind. Even before I read up on it I intuitively had this understanding that parts of me were very separate vs a unified whole. Think of it like instead of smooth transitions to states you’re jerked around based on seemingly benign triggers in your environment. Leading you to act in ways you didn’t want to, but did anyway. There’s a lot of confusing stuff that happens to me that quite honestly I don’t even have a grasp on. So speaking with someone that can see these things or help me understand it more is good. Sometimes it feels like I just have an overactive imagination and sometimes it feels like I’m just a witness observing an internal system that didn’t get quite the amount of support it needed.

Also setup my e-drums. Going to get back into practicing with those. Working on finishing up this track I’ve been messing with on my MPC. Been a bit of a challenge integrating a whole new workflow and learning the functions, but I’m getting there. I know one of the things I struggle with is getting easily overwhelmed when it comes to writing full songs. But then 8 bar loops that don’t go anywhere are also incredibly unfulfilling. So I’m always in this headspace of dreading the full composition vs the enjoyment of spontaneously coming up with motifs and sequences.

[Malkuth]

You might prefer methods and approaches that are less dependent on the guidance of a professional “expert”.

One approach that may be of interest to you:

Focusing.

Eugene Gendlin (I believe that the ‘G’ is soft as in ‘Gentleman’) was the developer of this approach. He developed it to be used independently, as a ‘self-help’ method. It can also be used 1) in a partnership, or 2) even with a therapist who is familiar with the approach: Focusing-oriented or Focusing-assisted psychotherapy.

Focusing

It’s a pretty quick read, but also a very profound one.

Easy to find book also. It’s been around for quite a while. You may even have seen it already. I don’t know.

But highly recommended.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Decided I can’t do Ascension right now. This is the second week I’ve run this and dealt with some pretty bad dysfunction in my life. It’s not the rest or amount of loops, it’s the content of the sub. I can’t really handle any of it. I’m not gonna keep putting myself through hell for hopes of a potential breakthrough around the corner. I’ve done that for most of my life with self improvement and I’m tired of it.

I’m going to just switch over to Sanguine and then keep working on finding a therapist. I need a sub that’s really non intrusive and doesn’t dig deep. Digging is not what I need right now.

[Fractal_Explorer]

So after about a week of rest I’ve noticed a pattern with some subs. Unfortunately at this point in time I believe my selection is limited. Today it’s like I could sort of conceptualize all the important parts of the sub and I was calm enough to do so.

The issue seems to be the fact that my anxiety levels spike so much after the initial listen that there’s an intensity I can’t turn down. It seems like whatever it is that’s being introduced from the sub my mind can’t deal with it.

I think there’s just too much in Ascension to deal with at once for me. I can’t seem to break it down to a workable level. But that’s ok, I’m just going to change my approach a bit.

[Malkuth]

@Fractal_Explorer

The issue seems to be the fact that my anxiety levels spike so much after the initial listen that there’s an intensity I can’t turn down. It seems like whatever it is that’s being introduced from the sub my mind can’t deal with it.

How has the response to Sanguine been? Has it seemed to conform to the same pattern?

(I’m wondering how much of this is content-recon related to status titles and how much is generic subliminal processing-recon.)

I’m having about 4 or 5 simultaneous ideas about patterns and strategies, and I’m not sure which are the most relevant or timely. So, maybe I’ll just abide in silence.

[Fractal_Explorer]

My Sanguine run will actually be in another 2 days. Just waiting for the waves to settle from my Ascension exposure. I wanted to be 100% clear on how I respond to it.

@Malkuth

(I’m wondering how much of this is content-recon related to status titles and how much is generic subliminal processing-recon.)

This definitely feels like content related recon. Actually looking back on what I thought was processing recon was definitely much more. I just kept stuffing it under that umbrella. Two reasons. 1. If it was just processing recon that meant I could hide from the deeper emotional stuff, 2. Admitting to myself that a sublminal was beyond my means felt like failure. It reminds me of all the times in my past when I vowed to turn things around or change my life when I was in a really bad place and I kept coming up short. So I felt this responsibility to “not give up”, in hindsight I just kept putting myself through a lot of unnecessary pain to alleviate some deeper insecurity. That’s a double edged sword of mine. I’ll put myself through hell to come out the other side, but I also won’t know when putting myself through hell isn’t working.

@Malkuth

I’m having about 4 or 5 simultaneous ideas about patterns and strategies, and I’m not sure which are the most relevant or timely. So, maybe I’ll just abide in silence.

By all means feel free to share.I think my greatest challenge with these subs has always been the fact that I feel like if I don’t make the subs work for me I’m not trying hard enough or I’m making excuses. The end goal twists from enriching my life to proving a point to avoid certain insecurities.

[Malkuth]

@Fractal_Explorer

My Sanguine run will actually be in another 2 days.

So, Sanguine is yet to truly begin. I see. One of my thoughts is that this could be a great program for you to run and internalize.

@Fractal_Explorer

@Malkuth

I’m having about 4 or 5 simultaneous ideas about patterns and strategies, and I’m not sure which are the most relevant or timely. So, maybe I’ll just abide in silence.

By all means feel free to share.

They kind of all come back to and revolve around the fact that I noticed a marked leap and shift in your tone over the past year. There was a more easily perceptible strength and frame underlying your expressions. Your resilience and hardiness have seemed to be gradually increasing; though not as quickly as you might sometimes prefer. But I think it’s just a matter of time.

I know that you ran several customs and also Ascension, and so there may be a number of factors and influences related to your growth. But I do imagine that I sense the hand of Ascension in there. And I think it makes sense to space that out and modulate it, to give your mind the time it needs to incorporate that ingredient.

I’m personally moving into this strategic format of ‘Building Phases and Healing Phases’. In this case, your building phase would include Ascension and other External Action-salient titles. (It’s not a perfect label, since there is so much healing involved for you in running Ascension.) Your Healing Phase would include Sanguine and Rebirth (that’s another one of the ideas that was swirling in my head).

Maybe they could alternately be called Challenge Phase and Recovery/Comfort Phase. That might be more accurate. Since the whole thing is very healing.

Then there are linking elements that connect those two phases together. For you, I’d see that as Ultimate Artist and Rebirth.

This is not a prescription, by the way. I’m just sharing my creative thoughts.

So, I’d envision 3 Elements:

1: Striving Elements: Ascension
2: Comfort Elements: Sanguine (and Rebirth)
3: Linking Elements: Rebirth, Ultimate Artist

(This may track somewhat with Saint’s Expansion, Restriction, Balancing. But I haven’t thought about it.)

I’d imagine combining these into two Subliminal Phases

In Phase 1, you’d play Ascension and Rebirth

In Phase 2, you’d play Sanguine and Rebirth

Ultimate Artist (like Rebirth) is a linking element, so you could add it in whenever you liked. It’s kind of a stable, consistent part of you, whether you’re striving or resting. But the reason I’ve left it out is that, you also need to consider processing load. And three programs might throw off the rhythm at first. Once you feel more solid, you could add it in.

I think that these elements have been getting integrated into you this whole time. The goal (as you’ve also implied) is just to do that in a way that feels friendly to your system. As time continues, this will get easier and easier. But right now, it’s important to respect your current capacity.

Okay, this is a little bit all over the place. But there it is.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Thanks for the input, I do appreciate it.

I like this concept and I’m 100% due for a recovery phase. I’ve definitely had growth from Ascension, I won’t doubt that. So it’s good to hear from an outside perspective there’s a shift there. It’s always been a toss up between maintenance and growth for me. I think going with what you’ve said when I’m in the challenge phase too long I start losing my ability to maintain. The growth internally is still there, unfortunately there’s a bit of chaos that erupts on the outside that causes some dysfunction.

I might actually run Sanguine today actually. I’m feeling like the overly stimulated state is gone now from Ascension. It’s kind of interesting that I have neglected recovery in the grand scheme of things with these subs but it parallels my same difficulties relaxing in day to day life.

[RVconsultant]

I thought I would start a bit here.

To repeat, post what you have in your custom, and what you wish you had put in your custom knowing what you know now.

Also design a theoretical custom based on what you know now.

I would encourage you to think “gentle”. As in Februus rather than I AM.

Perhaps modules such as:
Elixir
Rebirth
Foundation
Februus
Eye of the Storm
Untouchable
Sanguine
Ascension
Courage Reclaimed
SPS:Nervous System
Code of Loyalty
Divine self image
Dreams
Dream Traveler
EGO ADSUM
Faith Unyielding
Fusion Optimized
Gratitude Embodiment
Harmonic Singularity
Immortal’s Blade
Immortal’s Courage
Inner Voice
Iron Frame
Limiting People Remover
Lion IV
Manipulus
Natural Winner
Potentiator
Power Awareness
Pride Unbroken
Pragya
Negativity Displacer
Path of Forgiveness
Discordia Deliverance
RAIKOV
SPS: Endocrine System
Song of Joy
Stress Displacement
The Boundary
Starfilled Night
Strength of Gentleness
The Flow
Unlimiter
Yggdrasil
Whispered Power
Virtue Series: Hope
Vortexdive Crucible
Way of Understanding
Wisdom Personified

Notice these ideas for you to consider. They are about developing emotional skills and interpersonal skills. There are also healing type modules in there. Think “building up”.

Nothing about being a leader. Not about being alpha. Not about developing a spirituality. Nothing about being the next hot guy. Not about having sex or dates. Not being the life of the party.

Self-esteem. Emotional calm. The ability to be assertive. Appreciation for life.

It’s a focus on your emotional life, and developing ways to stop being abused. And yes, I’ve been reading your journal and for some reason, it seems people around you tend to mistreat you.

Have a think about it.

[Fractal_Explorer]

Hey @RVconsultant here’s what I currently have on the custom I was running.

Ascended Mogul Core
Ultimate artist Core

Music modules
Ultimate music producer
The spotlight
Trailblazer
Virtuoso di Musica
Gloryseeker

General result enhancers
Omnidimensional
Potentiator
Unlimiter
Current Invoker
Yggdrasil
Naturalizer
Mosaic
Overdrive
Furious Ascent
Natural Winner
Rogue
Fearsome
Codename: Umbra

And here’s what I would build if I was to do it all over again.

New Custom
Ascension

Foundation
Februus
Harmonic Singularity
Inner Voice
Attachment Destroyer
Discordia Deliverance
Divine Self-Image
Emotions Unfettered
Fusion Optimized
Limiting People Remover
Manipulus
Negativity Displacer
Pride Unbroken
SPS: Endocrine System
SPS: Nervous System
Starfilled Night
The Boundary
Untouchable
Virtue Series: Hope

This one would have a strong self worth building focus while simultaneously enabling me to connect with my emotions more and stop dissociating so much. It would also target the nervous and endocrine system which are damaged from ongoing stress in life. It also has a focus on removing or avoiding manipulators in my life which comes in two parts. 1. My inability to set strong boundaries and 2. A lack of ability to see manipulation because my internal alert system seems to always be on high alert with people.

My only hesitancy with this is including Ascension. My goal would be to have the inner power and confidence that comes with Ascension, but targeted inward to help build me up. My main concern would be the other scripting in Ascension having to do with business, success, relationships, etc. causing a shutdown. So I don’t know if maybe Regeneration would be a better core for this.

[RVconsultant]

I think this deserves 2 thumbs up.

Now about

@Fractal_Explorer

Emotions Unfettered

What would you hope this could do to help you?

@Fractal_Explorer

My only hesitancy with this is including Ascension. My goal would be to have the inner power and confidence that comes with Ascension, but targeted inward to help build me up. My main concern would be the other scripting in Ascension having to do with business, success, relationships, etc. causing a shutdown. So I don’t know if maybe Regeneration would be a better core for this.

Would you please enter a support ticket about this? Briefly explain this on going reconciliation, as I think they are aware of your situation.

Also please ask about AND also please consider:
Rebirth vs. Elixir vs. Regeneration, and perhaps Sanguine over Ascension.

AND

What about building a custom without Ascension, but running Ascension once every 2 weeks?

Also I get you might want to put in things about music and so forth, and I think at some point you should because you want to have a bit of fun, right?

I encourage you to get this healing still going. And to be honest, I think you’re doing better now than 7 months ago. I truly think you sound like a different person.

@Fractal_Explorer

SPS: Endocrine System
SPS: Nervous System

Yes, spot on!

What are your thoughts?

[RVconsultant]

I had another thought:

What about instead of putting in Ascension or Regeneration into the custom, you put Sanguine into the custom, and then run Regeneration (or Elixir or Rebirth) and/or Ascension once every week or two?

Also as another note, I would discourage you from considering Dragon Reborn.