There’s actually a term for this. Armoring. And it happens with drum roll … CPTSD.
For the life of me I can’t understand how I match all the symptoms of CPTSD but have absolutely nothing traumatic in my life. It just makes zero sense to me.
Note to self, the mechanisms these subliminals work through are natural processes in a human. If I’m horribly detached from those processes then I’m not going to get results.
I still have a lot to learn about healthy emotional processing. This is not coming easy to me. But it’s still progress for me because I’m finally learning how to take care of myself better.
Truth.
Well, you’ll still get them. But it may take you longer to acknowledge them and realize that you’ve gotten them. It’s going to happen either way.
People who don’t believe in the existence of a cardiovascular system, still have working hearts and circulating blood. (But they probably wouldn’t make very good heart surgeons.)
1 Like
This is true. But there’s a level of conscious access to the emotional processing that can interfere with the natural process of it. It can also be used to aid growth as well though. Bit of a double edged sword I guess. I’m trying to learn to trust in the process more vs micromanaging everything.
1 Like
Hard work getting you everything you are trying for is the biggest lie. It’s a lesson we’ve all learned, as if hard work overcomes everything. Hard work won’t get you away from manipulative companies, won’t guarantee more money in your life, won’t override whatever beliefs hold you back, and most of all nobody owes you anything for hard work. There’s no universal contractual agreement where hard workers are rewarded. If anything abusive people can sniff this out and use it against you.
Is hard work valuable though? Yes. But it has to be agreed upon and have an end purpose, not an imaginary expectation.
2 Likes
Confession time. I was gaining moment and taking off as far as results go then I decided to pull a nosedive. Wasting time on my phone, avoiding stuff, starting the negative self talk to feel more comfortable.
It’s tough. When I get stuck in these loops I have trouble pulling myself out. Sheer willpower doesn’t do it. Even though I try to do it and don’t succeed which is pretty painful to experience.
I just feel all messed up. The same routine day in day out is driving me absolutely mad. But at the same time I have no idea what I should be doing for myself. None of this feels real anymore. I feel like a character dropped off in the wrong lifeline and I’m legitimately confused why my life is this. That feeling of “something is off here” is getting stronger. Whatever attachments I had to my previous life feels like they are being pushed away.
1 Like
MPC should be coming today. Very nervous. I shouldn’t be, but I am. An entirely new workflow and I’m not sure how steep the learning curve is. Though I’ve read MPCs are designed to be as easy as possible to get stuff down with and play around.
Sometimes I buy stuff and get ahead of myself thinking it’s gonna fix everything for me. But a few years ago, I might have even written here on the forum I was hesitant to go fully out of the computer for music making. So at least I’m changing it up which means I’m not afraid to explore new methods as much.
1 Like
AM puts a fire in you. A “don’t think about messing with me” mentality. So I’m realizing how bad my recon has been because of that.
When I was a kid my dad would get really angry sometimes. I wasn’t allowed to defend myself or put up boundaries because that made things worse. So I learned to not own any of that personal power or use it.
Pretty much everytime this personal power was rising up in me on this sub my subconscious flagged it as bad or wrong. I think I’ve been cutting off the fuel for the manifestation of AM.
This is something I really need to work on because I invite abuse as a result of this. It has largely felt like I’ve been fighting not to allow this to express itself when in reality I need this energy in my life more.
But that’s not everything. That’s not the ultimate answer to getting results out of the sub.
“Results” shouldn’t even be my concern. I shouldn’t even be burdening myself with some metric of getting success from these subs. I don’t know why I do that. This should be the one place where I grow at my own rate and stop hurting myself with comparison. But it’s a sickness I’ve dealt with for most of my life.
Just taking a more reflective look at myself now and the struggles I’ve faced along with the lack of compassion for those struggles.
Just realized gloryseeker might be triggering massive recon in me. Gloryseeker basically has a goal of making you special with all eyes on you. But it has a tendency to go a little something like this in my head. .
“Hey what if you had a voice, uniqueness, expression, or special aspect to you? What if you valued that and shared it with the world and felt good about it?”
“Nah that sounds narcissistic. I don’t have anything to show to warrant that. I don’t want to end up arrogant and blind to the shortcomings of my own music.”
So I have trouble valuing aspects of my own creations and music. Most of this is fear. But I think underneath the fear is a desire to stay small, hide myself, perpetuate some pseudo humbleness. I’ve never liked being center of attention, so you might be wondering why the hell did you put in gloryseeker? Well growth really. Pushing my boundaries, challenging “safe” options. We can’t really be free until we have the ability to choose what we want to be vs structuring a life around predefined beliefs and habits. So before I say no to things I want to know if that’s preference vs fear and limiting beliefs pulling the strings.
Decided after this washout I’m going to be experimenting with 1 day on two days off at 3 min loops. I’ve noticed once I switched to night listening and had more time to process before my next loop I felt better. But I still didn’t always feel ready for it when I listened at night. So maybe an additional day will help keep things smoother.
Definitely need more time to process ZP for myself, I don’t think the every other day really works for me even at 3 minutes. Still trying to figure this out
2 Likes
Been in a cycle of work->eat->sleep and it’s just been rough on me. Too mentally worn down to engage in things. I can’t describe it but it’s like I can’t hold sustained attention without feeling agitated or feeling stressed. Like I really need to push to get things done and it’s exhausting. Not a natural flow to things at all.
Trying to work on some music this weekend. Still have to figure out my workflow with the MPC so that’s been daunting. I’ve hit so many walls in the past with music making and projects that go nowhere except my graveyard. It can be disheartening seeing a good idea never reach completion.
1 more day on this washout. I feel like I’m experiencing a lot of old mindsets. Biggest frustration is this fog I can’t see through for my future. And during this time I’m doing my best not to kick myself when I’m already down, but goddamn is it hard. The worst part of it is part of the motivation for not doing it just stems from the insecurity of “oh here he goes again with the same tired old shit”. But if the motivation is coming from a place of insecurity and what people think about me then that means a lot of this isn’t rooted in compassion. But that’s the whole point of this, to stop beating myself up so I feel better not to avoid some shame about experiencing emotions.
Everything I’ve ever struggled with in life feels so trivial, like I could easily shake it off if I wanted to. But that’s never been the case. And that haunts me in everything I do.
When everyone says to go inside and face things to overcome them, I can’t do that. I get swallowed up and lost. That’s why I don’t like healing subs. Before I started subclub I spent a lot of time trying to heal. A lot. And what I’ve learned is that I’m better off not taking an incredibly introspective dive into my own head. It’s a labyrinth with not a lot of payoff. I get worse, I destabilize, I make bad decisions. This isn’t a knock on these healing subs, I’m just saying for me at this point in time they have a high likelihood of making things worse for me.
1 Like
Process over outcome.
Journey over destination.
You have been making tons of progress.
Hang in there.
2 Likes
Always appreciate the support. It means a lot, you have no idea.
1 Like
sometimes my senses and my mind are just not working very well.
I’m looking at the stereogram thing
but, nope, no image is popping out.
All I see is static.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, just walk through it, give it a go. I don’t see anything, but there’s something there.
It’s not that things really are impossible, it’s just that I’m in a space where I can’t see possibility very clearly.
So I just try to walk through it
See if it works out anyway.
That’s what I’m doing today.
1 Like
I go through that a lot. Some days my ability to keep going is better than others. I remind myself it’s how I feel now in this moment, but it’s not a truth. It’s really easy to take that feeling, have it trigger old memories and wounds, and then have it loop around and applied to all future situations. Fi-Se loop I think for MBTI terms? Been a while since I’ve dug into that.
But anyway that’s why this forum is important to me. A lot of good people on here to help balance those viewpoints. Sometimes I do think without sufficient healthy early life experiences it can be harder to find that sort of life raft in a deep ocean of turmoil on your own. But once a new foundation is set it gets easier. It’s just building that foundation, which I’m trying to do.
1 Like
This is a powerful observation.
1 Like
I’m back on my custom tomorrow. But to be honest I’m going to stay off of it a bit longer to see if I “stabilize” more. The tricky part for me with these subs is sometimes they can pull me out of recon swing where I’m bad. But sometimes it’s better to rest. I pretty much can’t identify when one is needed over the other. I guess an analogy would be like going to a friend for advice when you’re open vs a friend lending their opinion without your consent and having it kind of get you angry. That second one I’m starting to realize is what I do to myself when I adhere to a strict schedule vs adjusting based on my internal state.
1 Like
As stuff processes in my head I’m gaining more insight into where I’m going wrong with these subs.
I stack my life with a lot of shoulds. I’ve got a mountain of shoulds. All those should statements have a lot of conditional self worth behind them.
A lesson I’m STILL learning. My brain runs different. It just does and it always has. This is the ADHD. I’m all for challenging limitations, but this is one area where I cause myself more harm than good. My entire life has been about battling to be “normal” in brain function. Things people don’t think twice about can be like a tiny dagger in my heart when someone wants to point it out or I’m reminded how other people don’t do this stuff. I live with constant reminders every day of my life how I don’t stack up with basic every day functioning compared to others. The sheer amount of energy I expend every day trying to uphold some neurotypical standard just so I can feel like I have worth is not cool.
So maybe I do need less exposure with zp, maybe my brain needs more time to process, maybe I need to be easier on myself, maybe playing 3 minutes only is absolutely necessary for me. What I’ve realized is all of this sublminal input is learning and when it’s overdone or I feel like I’m given too much it takes me back to my school years and the pain and struggle I had with that. I don’t need to keep up, there’s nobody dictating how fast or how much I need to be cramming for. I have 100% control over what I choose to give myself to work with, so why the hell would I overwhelm myself intentionally? Well again because I have a lot of emotional wounds growing up in a world where the message relayed to me is I’m not trying hard enough.
This is a newfound promise to myself to run these subs with the intention of helping myself, not meeting some metric, not trying to keep up with others, and not trying to prove my worth. I won’t pressure myself into making things harder for myself anymore. And you know, maybe I’m not as bad as I think I am. Maybe I’m just taking all that outside criticism and unfairly tying it to my own self worth as an individual.