Resisting my Roots (DR + CFW)

Journals - Major Programs
#21

Yesterday was fun, just hanging out with a group of people and some friends of mine. There was one girl that focused her attention right on me, not really my type and a bit to young but I let it play out. Felt less anxiety and didn’t over think that much what was a good sign! Maybe it’s because she wasn’t really that attractive to me, but still nice progress. But came again to the conclusion that I have some self-sabotaging when it comes to girls, when they approach and open themselves up to me, I never really make a move after that and just wait it out. So the girl after a while would leave and just go back to her friends. I think it’s some unconscious belief that i have to figure out yet and honestly learn how to flirt haha! That’s something I’m really bad at, I just like to talk to people and be interested it what they do and how they think, I don’t really like to play the game. But again, maybe that is because I don’t really know the game ^^. Will be fun to work on in the future!

Another insight that I had today was about my all or nothing mentality. Yesterday when I was drinking and having fun with my best friends I wanted to go further and do some drugs. Kinda hate to admit that, but hey gotta be honest here… Fortunately he was more mature in it and was like nah bro let’s not do that right now, for what I am really grateful now because no hangover or anything. But this is a reoccurring thing… Like I party and go nuts or I am fully completely emerged in my work and lifestyle. That means no drinking, no partying not really doing that much fun stuff or I’ll just go all the way. Before DR I was thinking this is just my personality and I have to deal with it. What I think is still true, but when I look back in my life it did not serve me well. Having a balanced out life with having work and having fun looks more interesting to follow. Don’t know yet how to do that, but looking forward to finding out.

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#22

Being to hard on myself is something that has never really served me in my past and present. But when I get conscious about this thought, sometimes a just let go off the handles too much. Again, it comes back to the ability to be balanced and don’t choose one over the other. That’s something that’s coming up these last days.

I’ve started to meditate more regular, mostly Joe dispenza his meditations who I am a great fan of. For some reason I forgot how much these meditations work. Especially the ones where you change beliefs and perceptions. Last couple of days I have focusing on the belief that I am not good enough and trying to change it too I am good and I am worthy to have a wonderful life. I think this is CFW that just makes me go within more and feel more motivated to meditate. Just shutting down this analytical mind and trying to be in this mind-frame while healing myself.

I feel like things are more going my way and if it don’t it’s also okay. Yesterday i heard that I don’t get 200% pay anymore on Saturday because I don’t work enough. Mostly this would really freak me out or makes my mind go race all kinds of way. But this time I was like “Well… it’s something that I can’t really control, why would I be bothered about it?” and it was like a waterfall went through me and cleaned away the worries and stress. Just by switching one thought alone.

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#23

So… I’m kinda back ^^. To be honest I just forgot to keep this journal active because I’m more of a handwriting type of guy. So I have been writing every day in my handwritten journal and man it’s been a ride so far. I’m right now going into my second cycle of DR ST4 and thinking about combining it with ST1 Pathfinder and love-bomb. Anyway I’ll just give a brief update about the last month and how much I have changed.

  1. the dreams… it’s insane how many things about the past are coming up. The dreams are the most vivid and deep rooted when I’m on my washout. Makes me think that maybe I should even listen less than what I do right now (I do 2 loops a day like most here on this forum with 2 running programs). But still I don’t want to experiment that much right now with the listening schedule.

  2. My healthy habits are coming back like crazy. It’s not that I want to eat healthy… no no… I NEED to eat healthy. It’s not even a decision anymore and when I want to “Reward” myself with something like a cheat-meal I get such heavy recon that it’s not even worth it. Also, the idea of rewarding yourself with something bad it’s just mind-blowing to me right now. How stupid does that even sound? We have been so conditioned with the belief that you have to “let go sometimes and reward yourself” Brother… Rewarding yourself means buying yourself those new running shoes because you just achieved the milestone of running 5km every day. That’s a reward! Now I don’t mean that I can’t do anything unhealthy, but not in a sense of needing to disconnect from the responsibilities of life.

  3. Clear boundaries are being seen from a mile away. 2 weeks ago on a Saturday I went to sit on a terrace with some friends after work. We had an amazing blast and so much fun and the conversations where absolutely wonderful. My friend told me that they were going to go clubbing and everybody wanted me to come with them, if I would define this peer pressure from a scale of 1 to 10 it was a solid 9. They just keep repeating and repeating to come with them and normally I would cave. But this time… I was so strong! I told them I don’t want to have a hangover and want to enjoy my Sunday. We had a wonderful time, but the party is over and it’s been enough and tomorrow is another day to enjoy. This maybe sounds like nothing, but to me it was a major milestone because I can be such a people pleasure.

  4. Relationships are changing but in a different way then before. My best friend that I know since I was eleven is still the same guy that he was 10 years ago. 1 year ago I would be so irritated and angry that he just didn’t want to change and just working in a factory and drinking beer 5-6 days a week. Last time he was with a woman he was 16 years old and he’s 27 year now. The funny thing is, I don’t get angry anymore or be sad at him. If that’s how you want to live your life, I’ll truly hope it makes you happy :wink: But I’m moving one and since I’ve been on DR I came across 2-3 new people that are becoming close friends really fast. All of them are focused on achieving and try to make this life a wonderful experience. They were also the only 2 that where very interested when I talked about Subclub and how much is helping my to find myself and change my old ways.

But the biggest of all… My ego… this poor dude is getting knocked the fuck out by Tyson in his prime. It’s trying to fight back as hard as it can, but since last Wednesday it it’s finally surrendering. I am tired all the time since last week, I sleep around 12-14 hours a day and still I am a wreck. First I thought it was heavy recon, but then I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t. It’s my ego that is dissolving and all the tiredness of being somebody else instead of myself. I even did 1 loop each of Stark and Chosen because I’m looking for a job and right after these loop I started laughing. You got me there ego but I’m right back at ya ^^. I can’t wait to find out what type of person I’m becoming after the next cycle of DR!

Well this was a very brief sum-up, I tried to keep it as simple and uncluttered as possible. Also, I’ll try to journal more every day when I’m doing this last cycle of DR ST4. And I want to say… I’m just so grateful to find theses product of Subclub and this forum. Your journals and questions inspire me to keep getting better and better every day. Love you guys :slight_smile:

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#24

I had the most telling dream last night that was very difficult. It started with me and some old friends and the party group I was in a couple of years ago. They were in my childhood house in Amsterdam while being drunk and using drugs. I was standing in the middle (Sober) of this all and felt very uncomfortable and tired, So I asked them if they would please leave. With lots of trouble they slowly faded away and went down the steps so I was relieved. But then… They started to walk back up the stairs because they wanted to party and I just couldn’t stop them. I got so angry and sad and just felt completely helpless that they just kept coming back and kept coming back. People started laughing and didn’t take my words serious and started teasing and bullying there way in. Even my best friends where saying don’t be so weird just come party with us and have fun. It felt so helpless and saddening that nobody took my words serious. After that I just woke up and it took me a while before realizing it was dream.

First I thought it was because I am distancing myself further from all my friends. Only my best friend is the only one I’m still hanging out with and even that’s becoming very difficult to do so. But after today it just clicked. It is my ego… Like I said My ego is fighting and loosing heavily these last couple of days, so I think this dream was a great example of that. It’s trying to get back up the stairs and going back into my house (My life) and it gave me the feeling of being helpless and not being able to fight back. But this is not true, I am fighting back and I am fighting heavy. When this thought occurred to my all my tension and heavy thoughts just vanished in an instant. Like it was round 8 in this boxing match and I just got my ass kicked and my trainer was explaining me in my corner what I was doing wrong and what my opponent was trying to achieve. The moment that became clear all the fear and anxiety of this round 8 disappeared

Looking forward to round 9 mister ego, just know that I’m cheating because I got the dragon in my corner. No way Ur gonna win this fight :smiling_imp:

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#25

Very nice to see your progress :wink:

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#26

Today I had a moment of feeling Recon or was it truly my inner calling? The last couple of days I just want to change my stack so badly while keeping DR in the mix. The reason is that I’m looking for a job ATM (And heavy Recon haha) and there is one job as a student coach that is just a perfect fit for me. So I wrote them a letter a couple of weeks ago and they replied with some questions. After that I didn’t hear from them for weeks and was thinking well maybe this won’t work but it’s okay, other beautiful things will come my way! But Yesterday I just felt that I neede to listen to Chosen instead of CFW and started Stark for the first time. Needles to say that it just felt incredible after al this healing the last couple of months. But I knew it was recon or was it?

Now here is the kicker… They replied to me today and they invited me to come to the school next week to get to know each other.
No
Reply
For
Weeks…
1 loop of Chosen
1 day later they invite me for the job interview

Are you freaking kidding me? :joy: Theses subs are absolutely insane…

So I’m in a bit of a dilemma right now. I know I want to keep on this healing journey, but I also really desire this new job and I don’t yet know how to combine the 2 in my stack because healing always takes over. I don’t know which one helps me more the CFW part or DR ST4. Because CFW will be easier to combine with my job finding stack then DR Will figure it out tho, these are good problems to have :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

Anyway, good to learn so soon what my Recon buttons are and seeing it through. And I’m so grateful for the job interview! Even if I don’t get it, it’s a step into the right direction.

Thanks Brother! Seeing your still doing great on DR and CFW. I’ll keep an eye on your journal! :wink:

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#27

In the last couple of days some memories came up from the past about woman. It’s just insane how many times I self-sabotage when girls wanted to sleep with me. Thoughts like “No that’s nothing for me, I only sleep with girls that I have an relationship with”, what is still kinda true but it’s also used as an excuse to not engage further than talking. This one scene came up in my head that I went to this girl quite far away that I met at a school project years ago. She kept insisting to go back to here place because she had “to pick something up” and I was like you can do that after I’m gone. Dude… I just didn’t even seen the signs back there haha :joy:

Maybe it’s about some insecurities about my sexuality I don’t know. Can’t really place my finger on it because the times I have slept with woman they were very complimenting and ecstatic about my performance (No bragging, just keeping a clear picture to see where it’s coming from). Anyway, the last days I had a lot of sexual pleasant dreams. Also, feeling more and more eager to start listening to Wanted and Stark and to go undertake some action in this matter. Looking forward to it!

2 Likes
#28

Did my loops of DR and CFW today and it felt amazing. What I find weird is that when I run DR with something else, I get mad recon. But with CFW it’s like a soft blanket around me. Kinda weird because both are very dense healing titles. Anyway… some interesting findings today.

Right now I’m in a different city working and sleeping at my friends parents house. I work from Friday to Monday and being doing this for the last couple of months. This house tho, very kind people but they drink everyday and don’t really care that much about their health. This house is also the place I’ve been coming to for the last 10 years while smoking and drinking with my best mate. What gives me some mix feelings about the situation I’m in. I am so grateful for these people because they were there when I came back with major depression after my failed adventure in Spain. My best friend got me a job that is very chill and relaxed with nice people and his parents let me stay here in the weekend so that I don’t have to travel up and down.

The thing is… Right now with this Dragon inside me, I just don’t want to have these kinds of people around me anymore. My best friend for 16 years right now is going into a path that’s not mine and has never been mine. But I went through this phase before around 1 year ago and just told him “Bro, I just can’t do this anymore, You know me I want to truly live and have experiences. This life you’re trying to live in the comfort zone. That shit kills me”. After that we didn’t speak for months until I came back from Spain. It still hurts him a lot that I did that and honestly I don’t want to do that again. On the flip-side, I’ts going good with finding new jobs (What is actually in my field, education and coaching) and my gut tells me It wont be long until I find something new. That means not going back to this city and family every weekend and being surrounded with old behaviors and patterns. So for now I just stay grateful for what life has giving me so far and keep the train going.

Now this is the interesting part with DR:

  • I stopped smoking. Only I use some herb mix with my weed if I want to smoke cannabis. But no cigarettes anymore and quitting was really easy. I tried one cigarette yesterday (Because well yeah… This house :joy:) and after one hit I was like nope this ain’t me anymore.
  • Normally when I start drinking, I go all the way. But since I picked up my spiritual practices more and focusing on my chakra’s. I figured out that alcohol is one of the biggest blocks promoter there is when it comes to Spiritual practices (At least for me). So also this is going very easy and slowly into like “Nah I like this sober life way more”.
  • Was eating bad yesterday because I wanted to "reward"myself for the week. Again… It just… didn’t feel right. Started fasting right after the next morning and bought some great supplements and bone broth to start healing my gut.

Now this is the good part that I figured out after doing my CFW loop. I’ve always been a health freak and personal development guy. I tried most diets, been sober for 1.5 year, did semen retention for almost 1 year and so forth. But it was always done in a state of pressure and fear. “If I don’t do these type of things, that means I’m worthless”. So every time I slipped up, made a mistake with something I got really angry at myself for not being perfect. After running DR for coming up 3 months, this feeling just completely disappeared. This weekend I made some "Mistakes"for sure, but am I angry at myself? No why the hell should I? I’m making major progress in like 2 months and I only slip up when I’m in the place that’s like the foundation of my old personality. So I feel no guilt or remorse and looking forward to going back home today and keep working on myself and finding a new job.

You guys… Can’t express how grateful I am for this. Life is already difficult without having this Critical parent running in my mind 24/7. I’m just mind blown by how these programs work if you stick with them. Wanted to quit so many times because of the heavy Recon, now it seems I starting to reap the benefits :grin:

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#29

Thats interesting cause I actually experienced the opposite :sweat_smile:
Maybe its temporary (recon etc…) though

#30

I had the same in the beginning of DR. Was smoking and drinking all the time haha

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#31

So tomorrow will be the last day of DR and CFW. It has been 1 cycle of DR ST1 and 2 cycles of DR ST4. I gave myself A 3 month window and just rolled with it, learned a lot about myself but still know there is loads of healing to do. So I don’t know yet if I will resume with DR after this because I gave my mind the goal that I will manage this until the second cycle of DR ST4. It was already difficult for me to not switch and stop listening because I’m very impatience when it comes to healing and I just want to be done with it.

Maybe I even don’t listen tomorrow and give myself 6-7 rest days to really clear everything out and from that state of mind make my decision. Will see!

#32

Also been sleeping very poorly this and last week. I started to wake up around 3-4am and then woke up about 6-7 times ,with very heavy and vivid dreams, while trying to get back to sleep. Maybe it has to do with stopping smoking weed before going to bed, Now I only smoke on Saturday and Sunday but who know’s. I really hope it turns back to normal because this is quite painful and frustrating to have.

Today was the most difficult day of the week. All week I have this feeling of being extremely tired but also having so much energy that feels stuck. My throat is stuck, it feels like there is some kind of ball inside my throat. My whole body is hurting and I just did not know what it was. About 1 hour ago I was watching a serie and started to tear up. Went on YouTube to watch other clips that make my emotional and sad to just let it out, but it goes slowly. Maybe it’s because I started the Alchemist stage 1 on Wednesday to try it out with this stack and that one is focused on cleansing energy. I don’t know man… Maybe it will be better to leave Stark/Wanted and keep on this healing journey. But I was so looking forward to have these feel good subs and go clubbing, getting new jobs and just start living again. But apparently life has different plans…

Every time I think it’s going better and better, some things are locking up again. “sigh”

1 Like
#33

Maybe this can be of help

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#34

Thanks bro, will check it out for sure🙏

#35

These wash out day’s have been incredible and not in a nice way. The Recon that I felt was so intense and huge it’s almost impossible to describe. Anger like never before, tears going down my face and just wanting TO SWITCH MY STACK. Oh god… How many thoughts I had about switching my stack was insane. What actually makes sense because I’ve been listening to DR and CFW for my first stack since I joined Subliminal Club. So for this 4th cycle I’m going to make it a bit easier for me and start healing a little more relaxed so to speak. I’m going to replace CFW for CWoN and LB. Also, I’m starting to listen to DR as my 3th sub instead of my first sub to have less exposure.

Reason why I’m doing this:

  • For some reason my productivity is nowhere to be found and I need that for my job
  • The recon is just too insane. Feeling angry and tired all the time, even with more rest days it just doesn’t go away
  • Make a deal with my ego to give him some “feeling good” subs instead of major healing all the time. Give it some slack

Looking forward to start after my washout!

Peace

3 Likes
#36

LB=Lovebomb?
CFW has Lovebomb within. You could use the free slot for something more productive.
Sanguine is a feel good sub but not so good for productivity. Maybe The Executive or Limitless Executive.

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#37

Yeah but CWoN does not have lovebomb right? Because I’m switching CFW for CWoN so I’m losing the lovebomb aspect.

And when it comes to productivity that’s a great point. Will Stark do the job aswell? I already have one in my downloads

Thanks for the info!

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#38

Ok i understand and no CWON doesnt have LB afaik.

Stark could work but it is a dense sub. Anyway you have it and why not try it?

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#39

Well because @Leandros told me that if we run healing titles we should focus only on healing. So switching to stark that is focused on Social, focus, relationships can maybe be a bit conflicted with dragon reborn. So that’s why I decided to do Lovebomb and CWon but now you’re making me guess that decision haha. Got 2 more days to figure out my next stack.

It would look something like this:
Day 1: CWon + Stark
Day 2: Rest
Day 3: Dragon Reborn

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#40

Looks good.

You can only focus on healing titles but you don’t have to. Since productivity is a problem at the moment, feel free to use a sub that solves this problem. Stark is of course a hammer. A sub like The Executive is a light one and much more focused. But as already written only the attempt makes wise. The healing subs have the property that they more or less overlay everything else. Healing comes first for your subconscious, at least that’s how it seems to be and many report it.

I would try Stark since you already have the sub. If that doesn’t work with productivity, you can always go another way. Here’s another thread on the subject. There are many solutions and they are very individual.

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