Loops: DR Stage 1 / Elixir
Alright, first week was hard AF… Honestly, I am very, very impressed by how well this program works the first week with only 1 listening day and all the rest days in between. Have never encountered that before with subliminal. Nonetheless, Jesus what happened. I have felt so many emotions this week and just felt terrible. Like for no reason at all, just very difficult, but it’s manageable. I’ve tried many forms of escapism this week with going drinking with friends, smoking some weed (What I mostly don’t do) and just eating very bad.
One of the things I figured out is how difficult I find it to be still right now. I am always doing things, had my own business and just working and personal development. But now after everything that happened, I’m just done… And this Dragon bends me ever harder on my knees. So to do “nothing” and just be still is something that I find the hardest. My ego just wants to create something and do things so that I don’t have to deal with myself. Thinking about doing a dopamine detox to face my body again and go deeper, but being careful that I don’t become a slave master to myself.
Anger and Sadness. 2 emotions that I am working on with my psychologist and I’ll find very difficult to express. First because I’ve been on the spiritual path for quite some years and came across people like Joe Dispenza and Sadhguru. People who talk about low vibration emotions and that anger, sadness, jealously are bad emotions that makes you feel bad. Being angry at a person will only take from your life. I agree, but the problem is that because of that belief I just don’t get angry at people, because it’s my belief that my emotions are my problems, not somebody else. This goes back into the nice guy syndrome/ abandonment issues that I have for a couple of years. If I get mad, there is a change that people will leave me. The same with sadness, men don’t cry and if you cry you’re a wimp. This week I become more and more aware of this thought, what makes no sense at all but I understand why my subconscious thinks like this. Showing emotions will mean that people won’t like me.
I am also scared of the steps that I need to make to heal and change myself. I am romanticizing the past and miss the family time that I don’t have anymore. This fleeing behavior is also something to get closer to my family and old friends (My mom died and my dad left when I was 14), especially the Vices to handle the pain. In a weird way I know what to do and what works, but the resistance is incredible at this moment.
I’ll have to work the next couple of days, let’s see how that goes