Regeneration ZP and Sanguine ZP

Journals - Major Programs
#43

One more insight. I’ve definitely struggled in life. But instead of dwelling on how much time it’s cost me I should reflect on how I can use those experiences to enrich my life now. Part of that I think is my music. Making music is an interesting experience, it almost always never results in what I had intended. I think part of my healing in life will involve the unconscious expression of that through my music.

So instead of feeling the need to hide that past I should let it serve me in some way. I think by doing that I’ll have my own unique identity within my music.

I do still struggle with writing stuff and self censoring. But I know the ideas that really want to get out are the ones I personally feel need to be different or changed when they come into existence. It’s an interesting dynamic. I think I am in my head a lot compared to others when creating, but that’s a symptom rather than a source for why I self censor my creations. As I grow as a person I know I’ll feel more confidence to express who I am fully without feeling the need to hide.

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#44

So far so good with ascension zp. Overall I’m focused less on the alpha stuff. Maybe this is why prior to ZP I had a lot of recon. ZP gives me the ability to mold myself into what I want better. Really it’s just helping me care less about how others perceive me, not beat myself up for my own mental health shortcomings, and building an internal power in me that makes me not feel dumb or self conscious for asserting what I want out of life.

I don’t need to be more aggressive or tough. I just have to do what I want and stop incessantly pleasing others to avoid conflict. That’s it. Fighting is just as exhausting as freezing up and panicking.

You know you go through life with people asking dumbass questions like “Why are you like this?” Because I am. Just because you’re not used to differences in people doesn’t make me wrong.

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#45

Hitting a depression spot. This happens every so often when I come to the realization of where I’m lacking in my skill set with music. I was watching a phenomenal synth/keyboard player and not only was his performance tight he was doing covers of songs 1 to 1. I’m talking down to sound design, articulation in playing, ridiculous how much attention to detail. Stuff I would struggle with greatly.

There are so many layers to music production. Most people have no idea how deep it goes. A regular piano has one timbre, a synth has infinite. To go even further there are things like velocity for how hard you strike the key altering the sound. And then there’s release velocity which is how fast you release the key that can alter the sound. Aftertouch which is pressing on the key after it’s pushed down already. It’s absolutely insane how multidimensional you can make a performance. I haven’t even tapped into a 1/16th of that because I never had the keyboard for it.

And that’s just performance alone. Then when you get into composition and how all those sounds interact. Goddamn it’s a lot.

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#46

What kind of music are you looking to create? You sound far ahead of me so be proud on how far you’ve come.

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#47

I dabble in all types of stuff. I tend to center around drum and bass/jungle. But I want to get into techno and house more. I don’t like limiting myself so I tend to explore a lot of genres. I also want to get into more movie/soundtrack type scores, but that’s far beyond my reach at the moment.

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#48

AmaZing glory awaits you

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#49

Ascension zp really has me feeling the need to do better for myself. One thing I’m starting to see people subconsciously mistreat you in a work environment depending on the impression you give off. I started this job really timid and bending to the demands of everyone. As the boundaries come into place more and people start getting the rude awakening of me looking after myself it’s definitely gonna get dicey. But I know this needs to be done. I’m probably gonna be perceived as a jerk, but you don’t get to mistreat someone and then get upset when they don’t want that mistreatment anymore. The problem is a lot of people’s perspective of what a healthy work environment is at this company is so fucked they’re buried in a lie. That’s the worst type of dysfunctional environment, when everyone isn’t even aware of the dysfunction or they normalize it as acceptable behavior.

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#50

I’m feeling a very claustrophobic agitated feeling. I’m not sure if this is a sign of overexposure for me or if I’m processing things more and my overall disdain for how my life is now can’t be suppressed due to fear.

Im just very tired of this routine. Ideally what I want for myself is to be able to move through life freely without getting stuck with bad people, bad jobs, bad environments, etc. It’s amazing how much garbage I’ll put myself through just to hang onto a sliver of security.

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#51

One thing I’m looking to do eventually is start up a YouTube channel dedicated to helping people overcome their own music writing challenges. But before I do that I need to make sure I figure out how to solve my own issues so I can speak confidently.

Nowadays we’re flooded with information, but it’s definitely causing issues when it comes to executing ideas for some people. I know what I went through when I was trying to learn and put everything together is something still occuring for people new to it all. I just really want people to get closer to their creative visions and avoid all the pitfalls I ended up in.

There’s plenty of other people doing this and selling courses so part of me is like “you’re not even an expert”. But I do feel like I have something of value to give people. I like trying to give people raw knowledge that can be translated into all different things vs step by step. We’re oversaturated with step by step and it stifles creativity. I think if people operate from more general ideas and theories it invites experimentation by cultivating a baseline level of confidence in them.

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#52

I’m moving into a new apartment soon, but apartment hunting right now sucks. Between the bs at my job I’ve been dealing with, the fact I’ve always had trouble with stuff like this due to ADHD, and possibly overexposing myself with ascension zp this past week I feel like trash.

But I found one for 1100 the other day. Looked at it, the location, who owns it,etc. Told myself that I deserve better than that. All my life there’s been this internal narrative of “take what you can get and be happy you even get that much”. Which is just settling for the bare minimum and reflects my own self worth. I’m gonna be picky and I’m gonna get one that adds value to my life if for no other reason than I deserve to be happy. I feel entitled for saying that because there are some people who don’t have that choice, but I’m done lowering my quality of living just because there are others out there that have it worse.

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#53

I’ve faced a lot of invisible challenges in my life. Unfortunately I’ve also faced a lot of discrimination for things that were out of my control. I still deal with a lot today. I’ve always felt the the need to “fix” myself. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to correct things. What hit me today was the realization that the end goal I was looking for was really just born out of the emotional trauma I sustained going through life with those issues. I wasn’t fixing this for me. I was trying to fix it so nobody criticized me anymore or looked at me like I had three heads. But ultimately what does that do for me? Nothing.

So with my new custom it’s about achieving goals and living a life I want, regardless of what shortcomings I’ve been dealing with for most of my life. I’m not trying to fix my ADHD with subs, I’m just gonna achieve what I want in spite of it. This wasn’t my fault growing up with this and I don’t owe an explanation to anyone I encounter why things have been difficult and why some systems in place just don’t work for me. I’m not gonna fight myself anymore and I’m going to do what improves my own life.

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