Regeneration ZP and Sanguine ZP

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Things have come to light recently and I’ve realized I have to reprogram my mind to feel safety and work on my own emotional wounds. I’ve basically been redlining with these subs for a bit now because of unresolved trauma. So I’m pivoting to Regeneration ZP and Sanguine ZP

When it comes to trauma I thought only people who were physically abused or went through horrible life circumstances had it. It’s that tired old trope of needing to man up and stop looking for things to be sensitive about. The thing I’m reading about is trauma is a reaction to how your body processes stuff. Events don’t cause trauma, it’s how the body and mind interprets them.

I’m trying my best to take this seriously for myself because even though the events of my childhood seemed minor, it did a number on me as far as psychological development goes. And apparently neurodivergent individuals have a higher chance of trauma than neurotypical.

I’ve been very abrasive with my efforts for self growth lately, so I’m working on being kinder to myself to help myself. Not achieve some arbitrary goal.

Going to be looking into outside help as well along with the subs. My biggest issue is my perspective is distorted and I can’t always see what’s hurting me or did hurt me.

It can be hard writing about this because I’ve had a lifetime of pushing this down out of awareness and telling myself “it’s not that bad”.

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#2

I’m pretty eager to get this started but told myself I’d wait until the 4th.

So far the past 3 days have turned my world upside down and I haven’t even touched these yet.

There’s a lot to unpack right now. But the strongest thing I’ve noticed that routinely prevents healing of any kind for me is that feeling like how I feel doesn’t actually matter. My emotions don’t matter. Or that I’m exaggerating. If my emotions don’t matter, the one person that can process them, understand them, and heal from them can’t. And that’s a massive issue. All self growth is rooted in emotional understanding.

My ability to validate and allow my own emotions is pretty broken and has been for some time. So of course when I ran these subs in general I was missing a vital component for change. It’s like filling a car with gas, but just removing the engine. There’s no conversion of energy there and of course the car doesn’t move.

As dismal as that all sounds it’s necessary. Only by being completely honest with myself can I get to the core issues that need to be addressed. Sometimes it’s hard to take a step back and assess where you really are. And sometimes it’s pretty painful when you consider the amount of work you’ve put in for years and still struggle. But I’d rather have the truth and compassion to work on myself vs expending energy pushing things down to maintain a false image I’ve built for myself.

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#3

Today I start this stack. In the meantime I’ve been reading how much trauma is embedded into the lives of many people. The “My father did ____ to me and I turned out fine”. Is denial and a coping mechanism for internalized pain. There’s no strength in stuffing down emotional pain and then carrying on the same emotional invalidation to everyone else.

I see that a lot. Hell that was me to some extent. I believed what happened in the past is the past and if your life is fucked up that’s on you and you should be ashamed of yourself. And that’s been 90% of my life. Our experiences in childhood shape us, a lot. The problem with not acknowledging that at all is a backlog of emotions that have never been processed.

Learning things I perceived as strength are weakness rooted in shame. Being super independent and wanting to do everything on my own without help stems from feelings of not being worth the time to help. Being ok on my own hasn’t been a choice, it’s just a profound inability to trust people. Learning that those with trauma are the least likely to see a therapist because of behavior like this.

Ultimately I will be seeing a therapist that specializes in this to see if I’m just making it all up or not. But I’ve never encountered a description for my life that hit as many check boxes as CPTSD.

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#4

Gonna betray this thread title already, but I think I’m gonna cut back to just Regeneration. 1 ZP title, 5 minute, every other day.

So I ran Regeneration zp last night. Immediately what I noticed while listening was the ability to freely express what I was feeling. And well, my mind was basically like “I hate everyone”. Not in that “I’m superior and better than you” mindset, but more like “leave me alone, I’m tired of everyone and tired of the abuse”. Definitely an echo from the past as well as currently.

Other than that I’m noticing I’m steadily losing my ability to keep up with my job. Not Regeneration’s doing, but there’s more of a spotlight shined on it now. I’m well past burnout at this job and you know maybe for the average person it’s not a lot of work but that doesn’t matter. What matters is my quality of life is being effected.

I’ve been slowly drowning, but nobody in my immediate circle of friends and family get it. So I have to make sure I get it and get myself help. Nothing worse than growing up and expressing how you’re depressed and suicidal, but the support is “everyone feels like that from time to time, you just need to figure out your life and get out more”.

Nobody took my issues seriously growing up and I don’t know why. I’ve definitely got a lot of built up resentment about it I have to deal with. The assumption I’d just turn out alright? I mean yeah that shows confidence and trust in me, but shit maybe I wasn’t gonna be alright.

Gonna attempt some music this weekend. Lately haven’t touched anything, the whole process just ties my brain in knots and feels exhausting.

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#5

Does five minutes give you better results than the full 15?

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#6

Sounds rough man. For a long time I had no one to console me but I found a handful of people who listened which made me feel better. Different people on different things–I haven’t known one single person who can get it all. Pretty much gave up on family entirely. With friends, well, there are different types of friends. Gotta kind of know who is who, who can do what, because many people aren’t cut out for what we as individuals are going for and needing.

I can relate. A lot of parents don’t know how to parent. That’s why I’m still reparenting myself.

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#7

No idea. I’m just experimenting with it now. But even since Q my threshold for subliminal input has always been outside the bell curve of this forum. And my experimenting with ZP previously has shown me the full 15 minutes takes a lot out of me. In general I’m easily overloaded by subliminal input, so I’m being extra mindful with ZP

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#8

I see. Thank you.

#9

Thats a really good point, thanks for the perspective. I don’t expect anyone to be a counselor or therapist, I wouldn’t burden anyone with that. Part of it is my fault, I’ve closed myself off more from those times I was misunderstood. Like I’d rather just shut up and keep to myself vs spending the energy trying to explain things to people.

It’s been hard coming to terms with that. It changes the relationship with them a lot. But it’s really just the conscious unveiling of it, it’s just been stuffed down out of awareness for years.

#10

Regeneration zp is definitely needed just to get me to a fundamental level of actually experiencing my emotions. I know it sounds easy enough to just feel stuff, but I dissociate a lot and have done it for most of my life.

One thing I notice is I’m more capable of accessing emotion if I play music I resonate with. I’m not entirely certain why. Maybe it’s because it feels like a safer space for me to process things so I can let go. Ideally I wouldn’t need that but I have to work with what I have right now.

I’m going through a really rough time in my life right now. I’m 30, absolutely don’t have my life together. Struggling to keep up on routine life maintenance stuff. Don’t have the energy or focus to get better at the job I currently have. I’m in a place where I have constant fear for my future because I know I can’t keep this up. This has all been sitting in the back of my head for a while now. As far as I’ve come with the subs and the growth I’ve had, it’s just one layer of the dysfunction.

But at least now I’m validating my own experience more vs constantly gaslighting myself. And I think once I find a good therapist that will help me lift this weight I’ve had on my shoulders to “keep up”. I know a lot of people don’t exactly enter adulthood thriving. But my life has been a mess.

It can get frustrating running something like Ascension and getting stuck. I didn’t acknowledge it at the time but I realize now that even that sub was too big of a step for my mind to reasonably handle. That’s kind of a crushing realization but it is what it is. But there was a lot of shame I was experiencing when I didn’t flourish on my long term run of that title in my various customs. These subs should ultimately be about making your life better for yourself, not trying to uphold some idealized image.

#11

Slowly reframing these struggles. I do have a lot of internalized shame over it. I was talking with my mom the other day, no doubt a ZP manifestation for what occured. She is self aware, but like me that doesn’t stop the behavior. So she apologized for any sort of neglect that might have come about because of her own struggles. My whole family is a little messed up. Inter generational trauma, which I mentioned and she agreed and said she was reading up on it herself.

But Regeneration ZP really is helping me approach this as something to overcome and transcend vs beat myself up about. Being able to even consider a therapist without feeling the familiar pangs of shame about beating myself up over not being able to “do it all myself” is a huge step for me. I’m looking forward to getting outside perspective and being open to new interpretations of really engrained patterns in my life.

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#12

Odd how when I get deeper to my core emotions a part of me says “this can’t make a difference, dwelling on the past is just going to keep you stuck, do something else”.

That’s the exact pattern though that’s left me in this loop. Feeling sad, upset, hell feeling anything has been something I’ve told myself for years I’m not allowed to do.

I have so much distance between me and my emotions I have to fix.

#13

Going through some old tracks of mine I never released to soudcloud. I miss stuff like this. Seems like I’m so anxious and stressed lately I can’t structure actual songs. It’s like not being able to string together a sentence properly, except with music. It’s very frustrating. A lot of older tracks I’m going through that hit me hard. The production was rough, but the ideas were there. Would like to get back there soon.

#14

On a subreddit for things like emotional neglect recovery. Someone posted this and I think it’s the most important thing I’ve read all day.

Polish psychiatrist Kazimierz Dabrowski (1972)
theorized that emotional distress is potentially a sign of growth, not necessarily illness. He saw psychological symptoms as coming from a freshly
activated urge to grow and coined the term “positive disintegration” to
describe times when people break down inside in order to reorganize into
more emotionally complex beings.
Dabrowski noticed that some people were able to expand their personalities as a result of these upheavals, while others soon slipped back to
where they’d been before.

Important to keep in mind when it feels like I’m becoming more emotionally volatile.

@Malkuth I know you’ve talked about a similar thing before. The break down and build up of oneself.

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#15

That’s interesting. Can you share any modern research on the topic?

#16

I haven’t encountered any more more modern info on this. But if I find anything I’ll post it here.

But modern doesn’t always equal better sometimes. That’s how we got the rise of CBT as a miracle therapy that became good at treating symptoms but not root cause.

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#17

Gonna give a full run of Regen ZP tonight, see how that goes.

Drive belt snapped in my 4 track recorder so I’m replacing that soon. FF and RW stopped working. Kinda bummed me out when it happened because I was in the flow and ready to get stuff down.

#18

Damn. Uncovering some things that make me feel bad. A huge trigger for me is when I see other people able to create music with ease, have fun, and get further than me. Am I jealous? Yeah you bet your ass I am.

Not just music either. When I see myself having to put in twice as much effort just to maintain a baseline level of functioning it makes me want to just put my fist through a wall.

I understand others work hard. I understand they have their challenges too. I understand nothing comes easy in life and takes work. But goddamnit, I just want to be able to do stuff with my life and I can’t because I use up all my energy maintaining a job I don’t even care about. I don’t know how to get out of this cycle. But I just don’t think it’s my situation so much as things from my past and behaviors effecting my ability to navigate my life effectively. I shouldn’t need ideal circumstances to keep moving forward with what I want to do. Waiting around for that, I’ll just end up dead.

Still looking for a therapist. I know that’s an important step in all this.

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#19

Weeeeeee recon. Fear and survival, that’s been my entire life. Despite not being in any type of physical environment where I might die, that’s how my mind has interpreted every day of my life.

I know this isn’t right and I’m gonna do something to not live like this anymore. But damn. To think there are people that like getting out of bed in the morning, think of the future and feel happy, and form stable relationships and share deep parts of themselves. Yeah I want that for myself too. I won’t accept that “this is how life is”. I see now how that’s just a projection of the world instilled on me from my mom who has similar emotional damage to me.

Maybe this is coming off of Saint’s post to Hermit recently, but that shook me. I’m damaged myself and that’s not a criticism. I’d rather see how broken shit really is than sugarcoating it. Sugarcoating is what has resulted in me landing in this mess I’m in now.

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#20

Emailed one therapist today inquiring about accepting patients. Fuck is this hard to do. Trying to get at least 3 today and being super selective about it.

I’ve had a shitty therapist in the past. He took the culmination of all my life difficulties with anxiety, transitioning to different aspects of life, and reduced it down to the equivalent of being similar to his anxiety before his tennis matches. And then gave me a sheet to take home and study about cognitive distortions. I wanted to puke, punch this guy, and curl up into a ball all in one very strong, very fast, flush of shame, hatred, distrust, and hopelessness that flooded through me at once. I cut ties with that guy quick after gaslighting myself about being overreactive. But looking back on it, no the dude had no empathy for my situation. And I never want to go through that again or deal with people that tell me to “just push past it”. I’ve since learned reading through a bunch of horror stories online how some of these people shouldn’t even be licensed with how they treat their patients.

I’ve come far in my own personal life from where I was. But one thing I cannot do, is when people push me to do things outside my comfort zone. Advice like go out to social events, make more friends, meet up with random strangers over a mutual hobby, etc. They aren’t bad ideas, but there’s a ton of emotional weight there with interpersonal relationships that I absolutely cannot bridge all at once. And the last thing I need is feeling bad that I couldn’t perform some simple socializing task that was supposed to make me feel better.

The biggest struggle throughout my life has been having a painful awareness of what I should be doing, I’m not dumb or ignorant, but having trouble actually doing it. This is why I isolate myself a lot because I can’t stand to hear the “just do this” from people around me.

So it seems to me Regeneration ZP is manifesting an outside source for me to help take some of the weight off keeping tabs on these things. It’s undoubtedly a full time job, one I should have gotten help for years ago. In my current stage of life far too many mental resources have been expended just trying to keep afloat so I’m not able to actually thrive.

I am conflicted because looking back on all my posts here on this forum I was trying hard to appear “better”. I’m not saying I didn’t have growth, but I was definitely not doing enough to take care of my own needs. My need to appear independent, self sufficient, and confident blocked my ability to be more honest with some of my painful shortcomings. And let me tell you there’s a bundle of shame wrapped up around all those deeper issues I haven’t even touched yet.

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