Regeneration ZP and Sanguine ZP

Journals - Major Programs
#21

This… This absolutely SUCKS. I hate this feeling so much. I empathize completely what you are going through. Not being able to enjoy time doing what you like because you are constantly kicking yourself when you are not advancing every second of everyday.

I’m pretty confident this is your brain desperately seeking dopamine, since it is on E and the light to gas up is on. We have a tendency to think all or nothing mentality. Have you ever worked hard all day and just tired at night but never congratulate yourself for doing good work because the whole project is not done?

Try starting for at least 5 minutes a day starting out to be kind to yourself intentionally. Give that inner a child a loving hug. Intentionally celebrate the smallest things. You might have to fake it at first, but it will get easier over time

I’m so sorry to hear your experiences with your shit excuse for a human being therapist. I know from personal experience there are good ones out there. Just have to do some digging (I know last thing a procrastinator wants to do, do it when you find the slightest willpower or motivation)

You are not alone.

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#22

Thanks really appreciate the support.

And yes, I’m definitely all or nothing. I’ve got a long standing habit of perfectionism I’ve been picking apart over the years.

It’s the reason I either marathon a song I’m working on or just don’t do anything because I have trouble with not completing it all in one go.

I’m definitely going to make more of an effort with this. Self compassion is something I’ve really struggled with over the years as well.

Thanks again

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#23

Thinking about taking up boxing. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but never could commit. Covid kind of craps all over that though. I don’t think I want to compete or anything like that. Just some sparing and learning the ins and outs. More like a hobby than something I take seriously. At least give it a try. I’ve always found the technical aspects of boxing really interesting and the strategy.

#24

I was like this at my previous job.

Yes. Like “Am I alright because of my upbringing or in spite of it?”

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#25

I never realized how legitimate burnout is. Like I always thought it was something you recover from relatively fast when situations improve. But now I’m reading it can take months for your body to just normalize.

I’ve got my next week off. Told everyone on my team I’m turning off notifications entirely for all channels of communication. Going completely dark. I need 100% separation from this job.

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#26

I went on an unpaid medical leave May 10 of 2021 from that job due to taking customer calls was legit stressing me out. Even the “good” customers.

It was meant to be up to 12 months in length, but at some point, I was out doing Uber Eats deliveries. Made $20 for a 5-minute Taco Bell run to some guy’s house. After leaving his house, I said to myself “Palpatine, you know you’re never going back. Even if you get ‘all better’ and then go back to taking calls, you’re STILL gonna be TAKING CALLS.”

So I fired off an email to my manager from my phone saying “I decided I’m better off just branching off in a nude erection. Send me whatever I need to send my work computer back.”

Even now, when I see commercials for that company’s “life-changing” products on TV, I cringe.

The CEO used to email us on the regular about how we’re “changing lives” and most people there drank the Kool-Aid™. Me, I never saw it.

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#27

Oof that sounds brutal. Calling is something I’ll never be able to do. Id be dead my first week.

I absolutely hate that emotionally manipulative stuff. It hits me on two levels. One where I don’t appreciate trying to be coerced into something. And two, the fear or anxiety that I’m just a pessimistic toxic individual and that’s why I’m not integrating like everyone else. I worked for a company once that had me slinging credit cards to every customer. We had a brainwashing seminar from some bank about how selling more credit cards really was in our best interest.

Oh and how this company actively discouraged joining a union because it creates a wedge in between honest communication with everyone in the company. Made me sick to my stomach.

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#28

Definitely cutting back to 5 minute loops again. I think that works for me pretty nicely. Going to be taking an additional rest day today to recover from overexposure I had this week testing out the full loop of ZP.

You’d think I’d learn by now but I think it’s hard to accurately assess your ability to handle another loop during the week if there’s a buffer period. So better to keep it less heavy and more consistent to take out that guesswork.

Still trying to work out what’s best for my mind. There seems to be a lot of variance as to how people tolerate ZP.

#29

Regeneration ZP has me looking back on my life. And I’m kind of shaken from it because I’ve realized how badly I’ve been dissociating for years now. I always thought it was spacing out or numbing but it comes in many forms. One I’ve realized for myself is I just keep doing things and telling myself to not stop moving. Not checking in with myself, not taking care of my emotional health, just pushing and pushing saying one day it’ll work out. Ignoring every impulse and instinct inside of me that says slow down and take care of yourself.

Running motto of my life. “It’s not that bad, others have it worse so just get it together”. From the time I was a teen to now.

I don’t know if it’s common or not. But when you’re not in a really bad environment or don’t have a history of serious trauma, it’s like everything is brushed under the rug as not serious. I guess even in emotional pain I’m a perfectionist lol. If I’m not starving, fighting for my life, dealing with violence, I just have trouble considering any of my problems significant in the grand scheme of things. That’s definitely the shame speaking there, for the audacity of being a human with emotional needs vs a fearless invincible individual.

So damn meta. You’ve got the emotions themselves. And then the emotions based on having those emotions. And then another layer from the very top observing and questioning why any of this is impactful or how it invites so much dysfunction and chaos into life.

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#30

Got a consultation with a therapist tomorrow over the phone. Never wracking to say the least. I’m getting together a list today of talking points and concerns I want to go over with her to see if she’s a good fit.

I’m only on day 2 of my vacation right now and so far it’s been hard to relax at all. So I’ve just been trying to be more pro-active to get things in place to help me out while I have the energy. I don’t know what it is but every time I get closer to finding a therapist my mental state unravels even more. Definitely not an easy process for me.

#31

Well the sessions cost too much for the therapist I was seeking out. But she was really helpful and considerate. Felt like I was gonna throw up before my phone call today. But after I had a little more courage to keep looking and shooting out emails.

It was only a 15 minute call, but after I was done I felt like talking about this stuff wasn’t as difficult when you have someone on the other end that validates your experience.

On that note, defense mechanisms EVERYWHERE. Running Regeneration ZP has taught me that I don’t have the level of emotional management to handle this on my own. That’s not an easy thing to come to terms with, but it is the truth. There’s some serious blindspots in my own awareness that I can’t break out of on my own. Trying to be your own therapist doesn’t work too well when the filter you see everything through is distorted. So I’m sitting here having an increasingly difficult time understanding and interpreting my immediate environment because I have instinctual responses to past events that color my perception. I’m learning emotional flashbacks are an actual term for this. This is the knee jerk reaction I’d always talk about and watch myself behave in ways I didn’t want but was entirely automatic.

#32

Gonna have to retract my statement of consistency on ZP being good for me. Surprise surprise, just another form of recon. Especially with healing you can delay the more difficult stuff by just staying in the input phase of ZP.

So new listening plan. One full loop of regeneration ZP a week and that’s it.

I’m realizing that this week I’m getting hit with last week. The answer is to deal with what’s being brought up instead of turning to another loop.

This will be an experiment, I don’t know how this is gonna pan out for me but ironically there is avoidance at play through a mistaken assumption of what will help me move forward.

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#33

I’m getting into some really raw stuff running Regeneration ZP. Moving forward I’ll definitely be journaling my progress, but I’m now coming to the realization that a lot of my posts in the past stemmed from a certain behavioral pattern that was not helping me. In fact it was digging me deeper and deeper into a self-shame cycle.

Thank you for everyone that has ever shown support on this forum. I’m grateful for the support. But looking back on things I definitely unconsciously baited people.

I’m learning that my transparency and honesty is actually just a coping mechanism. Trying to put the worst parts of myself forward so others can’t reject me. Even dumping emotionally to a bunch of strangers on the internet is because it’s anonymous to some extent and I can detach at any time.

None of this is easy, in fact my head has been spinning this past week as I’m gradually learning what the hell is actually a personality trait vs a response to trauma. I’m even learning that my intense desire to make music a bigger part of my life is born out of a desire to escape reality. Now don’t get me wrong music is important to me, but at this point in my life it’s been nothing but an unhealthy fantasy with very minimal real world action.

I feel like for the first time in a long time I’m more conscious of my body, my feelings, my life, and this reality I live in. But it’s a lot to process.

For anyone that’s ever read my posts and highly relates. Please seek out help if you’re struggling. If I could go back in time I’d tell my 20 year old self to take these problems seriously and seek support. The nature of things like emotional trauma actually can cause a highly independent mindset where you overestimate how much you can solve on your own as well as minimize your problems. It’s not your responsibility to solve everything on your own, even if it feels like it.

The more I work through all this I know I’ll arrive at a more well rounded perception of myself, but right now I’m going through the phase of unearthing everything. It’s becoming increasingly clear why I’ve struggled with damn near every subliminal on here.

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#35

So after spending some time working on limited forms of sequencing for music, I decided to go back to my DAW and have a more hybrid approach. So all my hardware just being triggered from the DAW. I love my groovebox but for bigger compositions it’s too much planning and thinking how to get stuff together. So I’m going to use it as an alternative form of creation, live jam sessions, more old school house, techno, jungle vibes. Really simple repetitive stuff that relies more on live sound tweaking for the flow.

But anyway after returning to the DAW I realized if can maintain restrictions and limits it’s actually a fantastic environment to work in for me. What I didn’t realize working with this older drum machine is the pattern sequencing and recording required a lot of steps and my brain just noped out of there. So instead of beating myself up about feeling like I should be able to overcome that, I’m switching workflows to something that’s more easily accessible in my head.

I worked on a little beat yesterday and I could just focus on creating vs feeling like I was battling my own mind to get stuff down.

Interesting that this idea came to me more after running regeneration zp. But it makes sense. Making things easier for myself is a form of self compassion.

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#36

There’s a lot of maturing I’m doing. I look back on my life and even as a kid i had a lot of trouble. For most my life I thought I had some battle to overcome, that everything I experienced was normal and I just failed to overcome it.

I spoke with a therapist last night and she highly recommended I look at getting medication. She even told me that she doesn’t recommend that a lot. And you know what? At this point in my life yeah I’m going to go that route. I’ve been through all manner of spiritual/self help stuff to find an answer to fix myself. But that’s ultimately the issue isn’t it? Life isn’t about fixing yourself, it’s about living. So if I have to take medication to enjoy my life and get the most out of it that’s all that matters.

This endless quest to “figure out yourself”. I’ve seen it in my mom and her mom. I’m 90% convinced this is just a genetic illness and this is the coping mechanism that was adopted. The brain is a physical structure, like it or not that can heavily dictate where our mental health lies. That’s not a failing, it’s just a structural difference or problem.

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#37

I’ve been taking week long gaps in between zp listens.

I’m going to try running it again later today to see how I do. But I might have to postpone all this until I get some help. The main thing I’m trying to avoid here is the “push through at all costs” mode I get into where I cause myself unnecessary pain for minimal growth.

And I know there’s been a lot of issues with experimenting lately. I’m definitely not a good candidate for observing results from. At this point I’m just doing what I can to maintain my own mental health. Having said that I’m not gonna blame the subs on “not working”, i know this firmly lands on me.

#38

What made you decide to take week long breaks?

#39

Mostly because my threshold for zp seems to be quite low and it’s really easy to overexpose myself. So I restricted it to one loop every week to see how I’d do.

Ultimately I was getting too fatigued from running any other schedule and felt the need to cut back. This was more for the sake of what I could reasonably tolerate vs trying to get better results.

#41

That was a brutal week off Regeneration ZP. Wasn’t my intention but it kinda just happened. My mind went fully in the opposite direction. I felt beyond saving at a certain point and crippling sense of hopelessness.

One of the prominent fears I had was “what if this never gets better?”. The most interesting thing from that is it can be self fulfilling and that very fear keeps me from trying. So I really only have two options. Give in to the fear or keep trying to be better. Giving in to fear is a guaranteed shitty outcome.

I know I’m going to lose to that fear sometimes. It’s inevitable. What I didn’t realize was my need to make massive jumps in growth was born out of fear. I was setting myself up for failure and disappointment by overlooking smaller still impactful changes that can help me value my life more. This was because I wanted to distance myself from that fear based behavior as much as possible, to an unrealistic standard based on how my life has played out. So instead of beating myself up for feeling how I’ve come up short, it’s about understanding and working within my own mind that has it’s own challenges.

With that I’ve decided I’m going to switch over to Ascension ZP. As much as I do still need healing, I can’t heal if I’m in environments that keep hurting me. So first things first is taking care of myself in the outer world more.

At this stage I honestly can’t envision the life i want for myself, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. So I’ll keep pushing even if I can’t see what’s beyond me.

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#42

So I met up with some friends Friday night to go to a techno/house show and it was awesome. What really killed me though is prior to the pandemic I could have been going to these. But that’s also not entirely true. I always had way too much anxiety about going into the city because admittedly I’m directionally challenged and get lost quite easily and overwhelmed by too much going on at once. So that anticipatory anxiety just made me avoid it. That and needing to be on a deadline and tight schedule, I am terrible with time estimation which adds to the anxiety of not being able to plan things out.

Unfortunately with covid still being a thing this was a gamble. But I honestly hadn’t done anything good for myself in a while. I don’t know where to stand on that anymore to be honest. I want to live my damn life, especially because I’m someone who missed out on a lot in their 20s. The timing of it all really sucked because I was gaining a lot more confidence in doing things on my own when it hit.

But anyway the set was sick and danced my ass off. It was something I needed to reorient myself with my own music. There’s something about that music being played over a huge sound system that gives you perspective. Made me want to get better at performing my own stuff and doing that one day.

At the same time it did bring up feelings of sadness in me because I feel held back in my life from being able to do it. I know a huge contributing factor to that is my job. We live in a society where you’re expected to do it all, but the fact is a heavily demanding stressful job will destroy your ability to enjoy yourself outside of it. It’s just fact. It has nothing to do with being more disciplined or grinding harder.

It’s all a cascading domino effect though. Cost of living up, amount employers pay you down, rent ridiculous, and this continual gaslighting that its all “good enough” Well it’s not, people want to live and enjoy their lives. Not put through some meat grinder of a company just so they can barely scrape by.

I’ve felt trapped at my company for a few years now because even though the pay isn’t the greatest I have some amount of security. One of my goals with Ascension is to be able to freely move through my life to get what I need to enjoy it vs getting stuck in these fear traps that chain me to abusive situations. I mean I was driving home from work on Friday analyzing how I felt. I realized I’m really stressed, this isn’t good for my health. Every time I set foot in this company I’m doing damage to myself and that’s not ok. I’ve done everything on my end to mitigate the stress, but it’s almost impossible after a certain point because things are largely out of my control. I can choose how I respond, but even then there’s a dysfunction and expectation in the company that is pervasive and impossible to shake. I’d say that yeah, it’s a toxic place to work and most of them don’t even realize how they contribute to it.

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