I have been running Regeneration on masked along with Sanguine this weekend, for I felt I was staying in some kind of emotional poop pile. I put on Regeneration to see if I might unearth something or break through. Sitting in my own crap began to piss me off, so I’ve listened.
I was nervous originally. The last time I ran it I was feeling good, I’d been on AM for a while, and Regen poked holes in my denial quickly. I was in a public place, and suddenly my smiles became fearful looks, me trying to figure out my own mind vs anyone around me. I purposefully began avoiding eye contact, and discontinued it soon after.
I began Regen after a good visit with my daughter yesterday. I had no outside commitments, so I turned it on. I’d occasionally feel uncomfortable, but I wasn’t fearing a sudden disclosure around others. It’s been 24 hours now, and one thing I do notice is my mind is going back to core issues. Like my mom. My brother. Even some hope among the emotional stirring. I’ve sought out healing avenues for 20+ years, and most have no softening of the harsh fears and feelings inside myself, so I’d search for hope while in it. Feeling hope with Regen–keeps me running it.
Last night, while I was laying in bed, I pulled my laptop up and saw my bookmark of VirtualEMDR.com. I’d bought a six month license about 2 months back, but have only used it 2ce or so. But…I’ve been aware they had some new setup for the last month, and I’d not checked it out. So, I clicked on it.
Now, Regen was running still, and I was just stirring between pain, hope, and hopelessness. I knew some persistence might pay off, so I’d kept it on. Going into VirtualEMDR, I wasn’t sure what I’d feel or not feel. But…the new setup invited me in, so to speak. I chose to work on fear and anxiety originally, did so by answering questions in the program (This was EASY and desirable. I used to have to work off a separate PDF file). I realized my core issues were along the lines of “unwanted emotions”, so I followed that protocol. All I did was answer questions in an online area, then I went into the eye movement screen. A very natural flow, so far.
I’ll stop here to say I realized my core issue was guilt–feeling responsible for my mom’s drinking while growing up. I always thought me “loving” her was me not disagreeing or unsettling her plans each day to hide from life. But, I’ve felt like I failed. I felt unusable, unworthy, and unwanted since every time I saw her, she was unhappy. I felt unloved, but responsible for it.
Doing the eye movements were not emotionally overwhelming, and again, I’ve learned to persist when hard feelings come up. Staying with painful emotions allows room for a breakthrough, which has happened numerous times. But considering it was close to midnight, I didn’t force a result since I was tired, and I knew I’d have time today.
I’ve been home today…and I’m going to do some EMDR now. I just said “No!” to avoiding it.