Redoing my life - Seductress X HoT X PEACE

Journals - Women's Products
#1

I’m back after taking time away from these subs and realized how helpful they’ve been in my life even if I’m not where I want to be. I got sucked into other subs and the whole “you have to believe to get them to work” thing. So I just came back here cuz that’s literally not a requirement. I tried to make my own but realized I don’t have the time, energy, or research and development to match this company.

Decided my stack going forward is HoT and Asc stage 1 stabilizer. I had to include HoT because physical shifting goals are such an important point for my well being right now. I’ve decided an important component of self love is giving myself the body I want and it’s just neglect to hand wave or shame myself for wanting it. I’ve had to do a lot of reflection and introspecting to be ok with that.

I’m a perfect candidate for the stabilizer

  • apartment is a wreck
  • job sucks and boundary violations at that job
  • stuck in fight or flight a lot
  • Not eating enough
  • finances decent but pretty much spend with a vague idea of where its going
  • Self isolation, trouble building any kind of consistent relationships
  • tired af of life in general
  • Literally just dissociate away most of my week, my life has felt so empty and meaningless lately and difficult I’m just autopiloting everything and I’ve reached my breaking point

I don’t even know with my life at this point. But I know I deserve better and I just want the confidence to shut down people who violate that. Truly have felt like my life is cursed, anything I want I get the inverse of. I know that’s not finite, but I just need a break in this suffering. Waking up every day and going “fuck how is this my life?” is not a fun place to be.

Starting with 15 secs and going from there. Going veryyyyyy slow this time around with subs.

11 Likes
#2

It’s good to have you back again Fractal. I just came back to SC about 3 weeks ago myself, and I know the “WTF am I doing here again?” spiral.

You’re not alone. Definitely not.

2 Likes
#3

Thanks! I missed this forum. Independent of the subs there’s definitely something uplifting about reading everyone else’s journals and their journeys.

1 Like
#4

Since you’ve been gone, and Monarch just released today, I’m curious if you know that Monarch got released?! It’s essentially “emperor for women” but of course it’s own masterpiece, not just a copy

#5

Yup! Super tempted to run it but I promised myself to start smaller with the stabilizer until I had a strong enough foundation so I don’t self sabotage.

5 Likes
#6

So far 15 seconds gives me recon so yay? lol. I mean for real though I’m happy I can be like “yup that’s recon and enough” without feeling that overwhelming push to advance like i did in the past. I’m out of desperation land with a lot of stuff and realized how much work does have to go into things and unfortunately it does take time.

Painted my nails today which I haven’t done in forever. Metallic pink with sparkles and my first thought was “wait is this work appropriate?” Then I said fuck it I don’t care lol. And that’s really where I’m at right now and what I want from HoT. Finding myself and expressing that outwardly regardless of what it looks like or how other people feel about it.

And I guess that’s the balance I’m trying to strike now for myself. Dressing for myself vs others. Sometimes that’s hard to unpack, but I think I swung too far in one direction and got too in my head where I was like “oh should I really be doing this? Is this really what I want?” Then I kinda went into this state of limbo where I did… nothing. I’m just tired of overanalyzing my desires vs living authentically from them. Sometimes a girl just wants to look pretty and it’s not that deep.

2 Likes
#7

I stopped drinking coffee this week. It’s been pretty miserable but it’s been easy to resist the temptation. I got caught in a loop again of having trouble getting through a day so I have coffee. But then I realized I’m just abusing my body for the company’s needs not my own. So I said you know what lets face this fear of not performing well enough and see how much we actually have available energy wise. If that means my supervisor is upset with my performance, whatever I’m tired of this crap.

It’s not that coffee is bad. It’s just bad when you already have a ramped up nervous system that needs rest. It keeps me in that chaos mode of operating which is my default comfort zone and I don’t want that anymore.

Technically I don’t have a formal disability on file. But I do have ADHD, CPTSD, and a dissociative disorder I struggle with. It’s hard surviving sometimes when most company’s don’t give a fuck, so it’s led to me abandoning my own very specific needs out of shame and this feeling of “well other people do this fine, so I should too”. Setting boundaries for MY needs has been hard because people have a tendency to think I’m overreacting or I just need to try harder or something. There’s a lot of trauma I’ve experienced just surviving my neurodivergence. That survival mode was literally just dissociating and ignoring anything and everything that felt wrong.

So yeah, of course I need something really basic like the stabilizer because I can barely even take care of myself without getting twisted into fulfilling others expectations. My goal is to assert more boundaries and if people get upset or try to tell me why it’s wrong I recognize that it’s THEIR assumptions rather than a factual truth about me. The problem is the US has been brainwashed to think the peak of existence is productivity, status, and how much money you can make. So any outliers are seen as failures vs people worthy of compassion for their situations. I’m unpacking this shame ridden conditioning now. But that’s the way they like it, it keeps the conveyor belt running. People look at aztecs with their blood sacrifices and see it as barbaric. But really how is that any different than people being slowly fed into the meat grinder of life to appease a capitalist unbalanced system? Money is their god.

1 Like
#8

Well, crashed out on my lunch break today and completely fell apart. I don’t know if I have to decrease exposure on the subs or just keep going. Might cut back to 10 seconds but idk.

It’s not like it caused recon. More like the dissociative numbing was peeled back and I got a good understanding of how fucked things are right now for myself. I’ve been putting off finding a new job because I feel inept and dumb due to burnout my current job has caused. But I think I just have to throw some applications out there. Im just also losing my patience with companies and how a lot of them give almost nothing in return but act like you should feel so grateful for being there.

Then it’s like, oh find a career with meaning or purpose. I don’t care. I just want to be selfish and spoil myself for once vs thinking of everyone else.

#9

I seem to be taking the stabilizer and doing the exact opposite, very on brand for me.

Going down to 10 secs.

I will say though last night I vented to my friend about a lot of stuff I’ve held in and it felt good to just speak those things out loud. I know they aren’t the entire truth, but they are still a battle for me.

Mostly I’ve felt like everything in my life has gone horribly wrong for me. And not in the traumatic shocking event ways. Just this slow burn of misery. And that really did something to me. Shaped my whole world view. Everything has felt like me somehow surviving and getting lucky. At no point have I been like “wow look at all these skills I’ve cultivated that make me so trustworthy and reliable to myself”.

I’ve done a lot of work in therapy and even then I just reached the building stage, maybe. I also grew a lot on previous sub runs, maybe not exactly on target where I want to be. But after a certain point it’s like wtf, when do I just get to enjoy life vs this stupid curse of trying to get better enough to do that?

And don’t get me wrong I hang out with friends when I can, I try to be social, I try to engage in hobbies. But you can hear it in my language TRY. None of these things are actually integrated into my life. That’s so immensely frustrating and yes from the outside it’s easy to say just do it but idk.

I’m just frustrated at myself too because I don’t understand how my life feels so on the rails of misery no matter what I try or do. That fatalistic thinking is gonna be the death of me but it’s not like I can snap my fingers and think otherwise, this is all I’ve ever experienced in my life. I stared reading into astrology because I’ve lost any meaningful logical explanation for how my life has panned out so far.

#10

Maybe elixir would help you. It helped me reduce negativity and hopelessness on daily basis and generally helps find ways to not drown in misery of draining thoughts.

2 Likes
#11

I’ll def consider it. I think what’s going on is this sub is pulling out all the stuff I need to fix and I just have to take it easy. Right now I’m trying to figure out if it’s really emotionally based healing type stuff or it’s just overwhelm at looking at all the stuff I’ve neglected and now have to face. I’m heavily leaning towards the second one

1 Like
#12

What sub do you suspect is doing this?

#13

Oh I know it’s the stabilizer. This is very reminiscent of Genesis and how it turned me inside out

1 Like
#14

PEACE. It will help you just let go of things that are holding you back.

4 Likes
#15

Soooo I’m really trying to keep it down to two titles. Do you think peace would be more beneficial than the stabilizer? It’s hard for me to tell. From what I can tell so far the stabilizer feels energizing and motivating, but I think I do poorly with that sometimes.

#16

I’ve done the same a few times with Stabilizer, even this morning. I listened to it when I woke up, and I found myself fighting wanting to be responsible. I didn’t identify with it, so when it passed, I didn’t hold on to it.

I think Stabilizer is hitting stuff no sub producer’s ever touched–all that interlinked internal messaging which we all call “normal”, though some of it steers us wrong. SubClub is touching our inner circuitry, and it even shocks me regularly, as I sense my body and mind low-key panicking, as if those changes are dangerous.

Looking back, I actually see it as a good thing, like I do with physical healing. I’ll start or resume a supplement, and often I’ll quickly see a healing response. I resumed intake of Vitamin C in my diet lately, and within minutes of taking it, I’d sneeze. Happened a few times this week right after taking it. It’s a sign of my body healing.

So the internal reactions after listening to Stabilizer I see likewise. Our minds are actually giving up something it’s been doing a long, long time. It’s a healing response.

2 Likes
#17

See I’m not so sure this is good for me. It reactivates patterns of “you’re not trying hard enough, you have to suffer more before you’re able to rest”. I think I’m gonna ditch it for now and go with peace and try a radical inner calm approach. Where all these shoulds and have tos don’t haunt me

2 Likes
#18

I hear ya. Reliving old negative stuff is not easy.

2 Likes
#19

My brakes failed in my car lol. Fluid completely drained. Fuck absolutely everything right now, I’m running peace

2 Likes
#20

Sounds like you really need some

1 Like