Looooong overdue
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I’m thinking about everything more and has this ever worked? Like genuinely whipping myself, pressuring myself, forcing myself, the constant treadmill of discipline and whatnot. No it hasn’t. The one thing I haven’t done is remove pressure from myself. Just exist and figure things out from the core of myself that I’ve gotten so detached from.
From the age of 13 onward I’ve been on this stupid ass growth journey that’s been a combination of spiritual bypassing and a layer of shame. I used to be so proud of it and now I just see it was all a massive cope for trauma. In a lot of ways that ego around being somehow experienced because of trauma caused me to hold onto all the patterns as somehow valuable or useful. And they aren’t. I became a walking trauma response vs myself.
Life is so stupid sometimes. All these things happen. All these assumptions about how it ties into everything. Then it’s like nope! Your life sucks because of a series of events you had no control over that forever altered your development as a human being and set you up for failure.
That’s not me throwing in the towel btw. But I’m done with toxic positivity. From now on I’m just going to focus on what I need and follow that.
From an astrology perspective cancer is in my south node so I can’t help but feel this is tying into that.
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Just reading peace description. Yeah…
All my life I’ve felt like I need to become someone other than myself. The thought of just putting everything down and realizing I’m good enough as I am has always felt frightening. Like a “but if I don’t keep growing and doing all this stuff I’ll never reach the person I need to be”.
This is my biggest fear. That underneath all this striving, all these attempts to grow, I’m still me. And that me is something I feel needs to change drastically before it’s acceptable.
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Bought a tarot deck today and did a reading for myself.
It’s solidified my understanding of what needs to happen in my life and how to get there. Ironically I think it is going to be reintegrating spirituality into my life but in a more grounded practical way.
Going to be running PEACE tomorrow
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I just ran PEACE. But I’m putting this here for my own journaling to see how it effects me tomorrow
My car needs repairs and since its my brakes I don’t intend on rushing that job. I’m not gonna try to speed up a repair and then die on my way to a stupid job I don’t care about. I am nervous because my job gives you instances for even being one minute late, I’m already close to my max and calling out tomorrow is gonna be another one.
Right now I’m just letting the chips fall where they’re gonna fall. I’m so beyond done with this job. If they want to fire me over this they can, I don’t care anymore. I can easily work from home but they are sticklers for policy so it probably won’t be “acceptable”
This job has been destroying my mental health. But I haven’t been able to just turn in my two weeks because I wanted that security of money and whatnot.
I thought about this the other day and what I want most out of running this title is staying awake for lack of a better term. What I mean by that is, establishing boundaries, considering my own mental health, maintaining my inner peace regardless of what others think or expect of me. It’s just been ups and downs of me losing that peace, regaining it, losing it, regaining it, etc. I want it to be consistent to the point other people’s actions, behaviors, or manipulation does not affect me. I’m sick of living life like this and I’m sick of dissociating to survive it all.
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I was hoping PEACE would help me let go of everything.
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My car can’t be repaired till friday. That puts me in a position where I have to rent, carpool, or uber or something. And I’m just done. Multi million dollar corp, you could easily just let me wfh till it’s done but nooooo you want to place the financial burden on me or my coworkers.
Fuck it, I gave my 2 weeks today. I’ve been feeling suicidal. I kept going to therapy, working on coping skills, trying to get stronger. For what? To be abused better?
PEACE made me realize life is too short, I’m too valuable, my mental health is too valuable. I SHOULD cope better, I SHOULD be able to tolerate the job, I SHOULD work on regulating myself more. But you know what? I can’t! And I’m not even ashamed of it anymore, that’s my life and it is what it is. Me wishing I could do it better doesn’t change the fact that I have challenges other people don’t and I alone have to navigate those, nobody else. So for everyone else to comment on my life and advise on what’s best for me makes no sense. And I’m done looking for permission of what’s acceptable for taking care of my needs.
And I’m nervous and scared. I don’t have anything else lined up but I had no choice. I had no other choice but to do this and after doing it I realize how clear that is. That I was stuck and slowly killing myself.
None of this is empowering either. It’s more like a sober realization of how I have to take my own mental health more seriously and stop pretending or hoping I’m fine all the damn time out of shame.
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Congrats on your decision to quit your job! It hasn’t been easy at all from what you’ve written, but you did it anyway. Amazing.
You got this, man.
If you need anything, feel free to reach out here. There are a lot of people around who have also navigated very challenging life situations. We’re all here to help each other.
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Sorry I’m a woman! I know most of this forum is dudes and that becomes the default lol.
I appreciate it. It’s always hard when you’re breaking away from security, but that security was def a prison for me.
It’s me who should be sorry. I didn’t realize it because I don’t really follow members’ journeys here. I apologize. Either way, you still got this! 
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Something that irritates me. Companies want experience, but not too much experience. Like if I applied for a level 1 role for desktop support they’d look at my resume and think I want to climb the ladder. And I don’t. I literally just need a job that doesn’t make me want to tear my hair out. This grind mindset is a disease that’s infected the minds of everyone.
I’m probably going to build several different ones so when they need to be less senior they can be. I don’t even know anymore, is that lying? What choice do I really have? The hiring system is completely broken.
Aside from that I’ve been playing around with local llms. I plan on compiling a big list of potential jobs and cross reference with my resume to see where I could be falling short or what can be added. During my unemployment I’m probably going to refresh some skills so I feel more confident.
The thing I’ve always struggled with is most job descriptions make me feel like I’m out of my depth. But sometimes they aren’t accurate at all. So it’s like how much do I really need to know? IT is such a bottomless pit you’ll drive yourself insane trying to understand everything.
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I can’t go through this again with another job.
But I think where peace will really help is eliminating this need to find the perfect match. I would rather have the fluidity and calm to leave and get another job vs investing all this emotional energy into finding the perfect one.
A year ago one of my goals was to be able to up and leave any job that hurt me. It’s not ideal because I didn’t have another lined up but this is huge growth for me. Instead of feeling like I’ve failed or I’m too sensitive, I’m reframing this as successfully defending my peace and well being.
It’s crazy how once you’re on a healing journey you start to realize the amount of toxicity around you. It can be ostracizing wanting the best, not conforming. It’s a hard road but I want this because I know it’s right. Honestly society won’t even reward you for thinking this way, in fact it’ll be the opposite. That’s why I think it’s so important to be able to weather the storm.
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At 1 min for peace and HoT now.
Not 100% sure if this recon is tolerable or not yet. I listened yesterday and then had a moment where I looked at my body in the mirror and felt really upset. Everything looked wrong and not feminine enough for me. And then I woke up today early and started crying with this exaggerated image in my head of what my body looks. Then I got up and looked at myself in the mirror and felt silly cuz it wasn’t that bad. So that was a rollercoaster.
I’ve been getting more attention on dating apps. I take decent pics, I know my angles. I just worry about rejection in person a lot. I still haven’t been able to get past that hurdle.
I’ve got 2 major issues. 1 is fear of rejection and that I’m unintentionally catfishing somehow. And 2 is even if a guy does find me attractive, I will be incredibly skeptical and blow up my chances out of anxious paranoia. I still have a lot of healing to do, but I just don’t think it’s something for subs tbh. It’s just going to be a lifelong thing. And I know some guys aren’t going to want to deal with that level of neuroticism but it’s kind of part of acceptance for me. Finding people who are understanding and patient because I’ve had a traumatic past. Learning that it’s ok to just be imperfect and nobody is going to leave me for it.
I’ve been leaning more into this idea of seeking out safety and what’s calming and supportive vs building myself up, facing challenges, fighting, etc. I’ve realized that hypervigilent pattern is what I’ve trained all my life and I never cultivated the skills for the opposite. Both are needed at different times, but I leaned way too far into one side and my nervous system paid the price.
Had a moment yesterday at my job where I was like “maybe it’s not so bad, maybe I could stay here” Then I got exhausted mid day and my nervous system was messed up and I was like yeaaaah no.
The shitty part of this job is I got it for safety. It was supposed to be low pressure and enough money to help me breathe and recover from my last job. But nope, it just burned me out again.
I just can’t seem to get to a space where I feel safe. A lot of the time I look for that security in having skills or a job that pays enough. But that’s also a trap …
It’s a complicated mix of things. It’s trauma, neurodivergence, and the fact that I’m not insane and this country has gone off the fucking rails. But most of all it’s my habits of trying to prepare for the worst instead of seeking out the good. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t see what the good could be or how often it’s actually out there.
I’ve been meaning to read the gateway process cia docs where they talk about holographic universe and quantum physics. Cuz if I’m effectively just rendering parts of my life as I go then “out there” stops being a thing that actually exists in one state and more like a superposition of possibilities.
Back to 30s for me.
Making notes here for running 1 min and the possible overexposure and recon symptoms
Agitation and inability to focus
Wanted to jump to a different title or feeling like
something else would work better
Wanting to quit these subs entirely and make my own
Feeling like I need to break through and keep pushing.
Body dysmorphia gets worse (probably HoT)
Feeling like none of this will be possible and I’m just wasting time
Procrastinating, literally lose an entire day on my phone and feeling paralyzed
Feeling like I’m overstimulated and my body needs rest. Somehow wired and tired at the same time
Apathetic towards everything
Beating myself up for not achieving what I want fast enough and making myself suffer to get it
Old patterns come back. Thinking people hate me when they don’t, I’m going to fail, nothing will ever change, etc.
Exhaustion and poor sleep. Waking up and feeling like I need to meditate before I can even function.
Convincing myself this will all pass if I just stick it out and to not reduce exposure otherwise I won’t grow
I’ve never actually listed those out before. But it feels like I’ve been having a bad time on 1 min loops and I absolutely don’t need to stay here.
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Aw man i can relate to some of these
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Was laying in bed this morning and really tuned into my body. It was screaming at me, don’t get up, don’t go to work, this is wrong. At that moment I realized that’s not something that just goes away when you willpower past it. That’s a deep echo from my nervous system telling me that’s enough. But I have to ignore it for survival. I’m looking to change that.
For all our higher intellect and conscious ability I do find it funny how humans get caught in the same repeating patterns and swear up and down they are engaging in choice. Maybe for some people that’s true, but I know it isn’t for me. The hardest lesson I’m being taught right now is my conditioning goes so friggin deep, I have to let go of this idea that I’m actually in control right now and witness more of what’s going on at a deeper level to understand. I don’t particularly like that because most people in my life have criticized me for not steering my life enough or taking action. How can you actually engage in your own personal power if you don’t ever find it for real? A lot of my life has been pretending I have it out of the shame of struggling so much with literally everything.
This job hijacked my nervous system and locked me into it and I didn’t even realize. Now that I’m leaving it feels like I’m less dysregulated. But I have to be VERY careful and not throw myself into the same situation a THIRD time. I’m really tired of being in service to others.
Other than that it’s been about a little over 2 weeks on HoT. I took this pic the other day and didn’t immediately hate it. My internal perception of myself seems to be shifting. But then I run into the worry I’m just delusional and not seeing what I actually look like. And I guess that’s the struggle. It shouldn’t matter, but I guess that’s my insecurities being worked on with HoT.
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You could be on a altogether different journey especially with a potential new job and new sense of self.
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It feels like it. I’m trying to keep it steady and not set myself up for high expectations. Which sounds a little pessimistic but I’ve been burned by the expectation that things were gonna turn around and they didn’t.
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Told myself a max of two titles this time around, but I felt I was missing something in my stack.
Peace has been subtle. It’s like a centering, it keeps me on the right track. I would say it’s like neutral territory. A good reset. I can’t say for certain what it will grow into but I think for me it’s been best as a regulator.
HoT is dead simple. Just physical shifting. I feel like I’ve been noticing it more, but I also understand it might take some time.
I’m adding my seductress name embed back into the mix. I decided I need to build to something and work on releasing my best self.
I don’t know how to describe this next part but I’ll try. It’s like I’m not moving in life. I rest and calm myself but it’s like the needle doesn’t move beyond just living I guess.
I guess I sorta had this realization today that even if I centered myself, even if my nervous system was regulated, what then? And it’s like this emptiness. And I realized that’s just a gap in the formation of my identity and how to live from it. I didn’t do anything wrong and there’s not really anything to “solve” there. It just is. I need to fill this space with my own experiences and expression.
This has really confused me for a lot of my life because that gap is something I’d ruminate over about trying to fix. Looking at other people, looking at myself, not understanding what to do with life. I thought life was so complex, but I think the reason it feels that way is because I’m not connected to myself.
So I asked myself, ok how do I want to experience my life? And seductress is the one that resonates with me the most. So I’ll just continue to run this and then open myself up to that reality in my own way.
You know there’s a lot of titles from this company and sometimes I fall into the trap that I should be running one over another. I seem to default to ones that don’t “paint” a new reality so to speak. It’s like a weird sort of self sabotage where I live from the same identity and solve the problems that show up as a consequence of that then wonder why I still have the same problems. I think it is fear, stepping into a new identity can be scary. But it really doesn’t have to be because it’s not like you get stuck… there’s choice, infinite choice in life.
Ironically it’s felt like my current identity is someone who rigidly holds onto an old self identity and runs a bunch of different subs to break that old self identity. But the old self identity was never gonna let go because I was expecting things outside of myself to do it. It’s like trying to move your arm with a super clenched fist and clenching your fist more vs just letting go and then moving.