Day 4 of washout 
Yeah… I woke up this morning and felt like I got hit by a truck. I can tell through the night I was doing a lot of processing because I was curled up in a ball when I woke up. My core is tight, I feel like someone beat me overnight.
It’s pretty obvious now I was only skimming the surface of what my current stack has been working with. Lots of surface level changes, but the deeper core stuff wasn’t touched.
I haven’t reconciled my past. I kept trying to build and build, like trying to reach escape velocity. But in this instance it’s not gravity, it’s my trauma. Except I never actually hit that point where I broke free.
I had to distance myself so much from things I can’t even tell what’s genuine feelings vs me making up stuff to fit into the context of my life. It sucks doubting every feeling that I have. Wondering if it’s real.
I’m gonna get vulnerable for a second. I could keep this to my private journal but I feel like part of healing for me is owning who I am and what happened in my life.
Prior to transitioning, I forced myself to try to like being a guy. I worked out and tried to be confident, I tried to be everything everyone around me expected me to be. I ran alpha subs, I tried to force my mind to become a man. It never worked. I’ll never forget the one day I ran Wanted black and just became suicidally depressed immediately and hated my body and it felt like from the depths of my core something was incredibly wrong. I fought those feelings for years, I fought myself for years. Every time I went the opposite direction it was like a painful dagger to my heart and soul. Honestly sometimes I genuinely thought I liked being a man, but I was gaslighting myself for my own self preservation. I remember when seductress first came out and reading the results some other women got and being so jealous and wishing it was me. Just reading the goals and every single one vibrated in my body with alignment, like I was lit up. In contrast to all the masculine based subs that just felt like burying my soul.
Years of that, over and over, like a death by 1000 cuts. I had to watch my body change in passive horror and my deep upset but you know it is what it is I told myself. It sucks but that’s life I better just get over it.This is what everyone deals with, they just cope better than you. I had to separate from those feelings so I could survive in the world.
I grew up in a time where trans wasn’t really a thing. Not until later in life in my 20s when I ran into it and even then I was so messed up from my childhood and disconnected I didn’t think I felt bad enough to commit to it. I didn’t feel bad yeah, but I didn’t feel much of anything at all either. The only thing I had was my friends and family and I didn’t want to risk losing all of them, I wouldn’t survive. So I didn’t do it.
And that’s really the trauma. People sometimes look at trans women and think oh a man who became a woman. No, I’ve always been a woman. I was just shoved through the upbringing, societal expectations, and forced puberty of a man. That is hell, you have no idea how much that can fragment your mind and destroy your life. And I went through it. It’s like societal pressure and fear based survival instincts caused me to administer my very own custom torture conversion therapy. And on top of that I have to deal with the physical effects of it and simultaneously the people who want to judge me for something I had 0 control over and I’m just trying to find relief in my life.
So all that, yeah. I feel like I haven’t come to terms with. It all seems like a horrible dream, but it’s been my life.
I hope it lands the way I intended. Keep doing the work!
I’ve been following your journal too and love your insights. But I really appreciate it, I’ve been feeling so low this week and this really helped me feel better