Redoing my life - Seductress X HoT X DR Regen

Journals - Women's Products
#81

There’s a radio personality in the UK called Stephanie Hurst who a few years ago wanted to transition on air but the radio company blocked them. At the time, they were the most listened to commercial breakfast show in the country with typically base type humour. Not one of the co-hosts were surprised by her transition journey because they’ve always said he (at the time) was basically a woman in a man’s body.

Now she has a smaller profile but is still in radio work when everyone else were made redundant, which is a testament to her love of radio and her brave decision to let the world know despite losing her closest on air friends.

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#82

My issue is at this point in my life I can’t push anymore. I literally cannot, my body won’t allow it. I need an alternative healthier solution and framework of living my life.

This is like a huge reset but in order to live a different life you have to tear the old one down. The problem is having a breakdown like this isn’t exactly the most stable thing.

I have been struggling to apply to jobs because nothing feels “safe”. My body protests any forward progress because getting a job seems like a massive threat. I can’t even lie, my body KNOWS it’s bullshit. My last job I just quit they fed me all these lies when I interviewed with them, they straight up lied about everything just so they could get another warm body.

That really broke me. That was me asserting boundaries, that was me looking after myself, that was me promising something better and building trust. And it all collapsed, all of it. So now me, a part of me, rightfully prevents me from applying to jobs. Can I blame them? Objectively besides not being homeless everything about it is a negative.

I am literally fighting myself every day to do something to improve my life while under the impression that thing will be objectively bad for my mental health

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#83

So I guess that’s the problem, now what’s the solution?

Maybe listening to myself more intently for once in my life. Speaking and letting others listen. Not letting the echoes of my parents bang around in my head whenever I come up short in my life.

I’ve also been having doubts about seductress. Running it and feeling a clash because I just don’t feel like I can ever hit that archetype tbh. I feel like I’m more ADHD artsy space cadet than put together has her crap together stunning woman. Part of me desires to be something else, part of me wonders if that’s me just trying to reject parts of my innate self I grew to be ashamed of.

Then again it’s called self-growth. If we could just step into whoever we want to be at any point in time then the idea of growth would be pointless. Maybe I’m not there yet, maybe I just need to keep exploring who I am.

I can’t help but feel “accepting myself” has routinely been used in the past to shy away from exploration. Like am I really just going to spend my entire life fitting my life around who I think I am vs living a life I want? I’m tired of this and all my excuses. I want to explore my personal style, I want to have a strong identity in this world, I want to be bold and confident and sexy, I want to do and say things that make me realize I’m in a completely different reality than I was a few years ago. I don’t want this weird barrier of things only being able to exist in the narrowly confined “safe zone” of my existence. I don’t want to think “oh well that’s not really me so it’s ok”.

And it just genuinely pisses me off because what in the hell is so sacred that I’m clinging onto this “self”? I just hate how my baseline jumping off point for everything sucks and that’s what I’ve come to determine as life.

#84

Fuck

I explained everything to my therapist recently and he’s like yeah I think you have high masking autism and now you’re burned out.

Sooooo basically my bag of tricks that got me this far in life just don’t work anymore. And my therapist was like yup, that’s kind of what happens when you reach your limit.

Maybe just regeneration when I get out of my washout tbh. I don’t have much cognitive capacity to spare and I need to focus on recovering.

I tried to hit it all with this stack and keep things moving, realistically that was never going to happen. My body has called for rest and it’s not even an option at this point. It’s like someone flicked the emergency shutdown switch.

Maybe this week I’ll sit down at my workstation and bang on some piano keys and see if I can turn that into music lol. I’ve been feeling my creativity resurface recently now that my body isn’t assaulted for 8hrs a day working at a call center.

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#85

I’m so unbelievably torn with everything in my life.

Having some space from this washout I’ve been entertaining some ideas.

business world /aka survival/ aka corporate trauma

I started learning about best practices for running an AI agent. Creating containers so it can’t wreck system files and stuff. Battled with that trying to setup my very own dockerfile for building an image to use with containers that has all the programming tools needed for the agent to play around.

I kinda just started getting into it because idk. All this stuff about agents “hacking” got me interested in how something on its own can fare vs direct human oversight. Sort of like testing this stuff for myself vs listening to tech bro hype and sales hype from big AI (I feel like I’m in some dystopian book right now narrating my thoughts).

From there I was going to combine my existing infrastructure knowledge and maybe pivot into devops. My programming is weak af, I’m pretty decent at troubleshooting and coming up with solutions to problems. But knowing syntax? Being able to code from scratch? Nuh uh, not your girl for that lol.

I’m running into obstacles. 1 is I am burned out, cognitively, physically, spiritually. I can grasp these concepts a bit, but my eyes glaze over when things get deeper into developer territory. That triggers me feeling this trauma of learning difficulties from school and feeling stupid and incompetent. Which causes anxiety, which causes more learning difficulty and then wanting to give up and say it’s not for me I’m not smart enough. 2. I really really don’t like most companies and how they treat people in tech. The more responsibility I take on, sure more money and value, but more liable to get abuse from executive sociopaths who think they can bully their way to results. As a woman that goes double, as a neurodivergent trans woman I’ve got a lot working against me. And as someone with CPTSD and a strong fawning response, when I come in contact with abusive domineering personalities I revert to people pleasing a lot.

So throwing myself into the corporate world, it feels like swimming with sharks. At this point I don’t look for supportive or safe environments, I’m more concerned with protecting myself and getting by. Is that hypervigilance? Yeah, but cmon the writing is on the wall, big businesses are booming, wages are low and not keeping up with cost of living, we’re being exploited worse and worse every year. I’ll trust someone when they show with their actions they are trustworthy, not by default.

Loving myself/giving myself what I need/ body comfort

This is the big one because right now I feel like I don’t live authentically, I don’t express myself how i want, I don’t feel like I’m “me”. And if I’m none of those things, wtf is the point of doing anything in life? I want a body I’m comfortable in, I want to express myself in a way that doesn’t make me feel ashamed, I want to honor my own sexuality vs being terrified of it.

I want to wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and smile at myself. I want to like what I see vs feeling like something is wrong. I want to stop with these highs and lows of feeling like I’m lying to myself about how attractive I am to offset the pain of what I personally see in the mirror.

I want other’s opinions on my physical appearance to STOP mattering. I believe in physical shifting, but banking on that to fix everything is a slippery slope. The fact is my bones structured themselves a certain way in puberty. I want to believe with all my heart and soul that I can revert these things, but I’ve seen no evidence of anyone doing that in life. I feel like with my past run of HoT and Seductress I constantly battled this holding onto change is possible while dealing with the brutal reality of my physical body that causes me distress. I’m so beyond the “just believe, because if you don’t nothing will change”, I just wish I knew what was REALLY possible in this physical realm of existence. Maybe that means just getting the financial means for surgery, but even then there’s only so much that can be done.

Long story short. I’m fighting a battle every day. And part of me is thinking “when I look more like this I can feel relief and be happy”. But I’m hoping for something that I may not be able to achieve, ever. Maybe if I’m able to pivot and stop myself from feeling like my life is on pause because of these distressing things I can still strive to achieve physical changes without it being at the forefront of my life and causing a lot of distress.

And that’s the thing right? If something like HoT is a lost cause for me, that’s probably better served as slot in my stack that could improve my life. But I don’t want to think it is because if it’s not possible at all, well I just got kinda fucked in life and now I just have to deal with it and what, this is the existence I have to endure? I genuinely hate my life sometimes.

Music/Creativity/my deeper self

Here’s where I come back to a lot. My center, my incredibly obscure shaky center, but making music brings me a sense of cohesion nothing else does in my life.

My escape has always been music for better or for worse. A lot of the time I wish it was easier, I wish I could just sit down and create without the pressure, criticism, feeling like a failure, feeling inferior to every other artist out there. My aspirations have decreased a lot over the years. If I could have a small streaming channel where I just make music and share my tips and thoughts and help others I’d genuinely be happy.

People talk about finding your life purpose and calling. I KNOW what it is. I’ve just had absolutely nothing line up in my life to give it to me. It all seems like a cruel joke. And even then I can’t use any of it as an excuse because people deal with similar issues as me and they’re still doing something, I’m not. Why am I so different? Why does almost everything in my life never work out? Literally every turn in my life has screwed me in some way, I genuinely can’t think of one major life decision except finally transitioning that was the right thing for me.

Closing thoughts

I think the issue is, I don’t feel like I have energy for ALL of this. So I feel like I have to choose. But each one compromises a deeper need in my life. But I also don’t know how you merge these all into one. Or maybe this is seductress influence trying to help me figure out how to merge it all together.

To make things worse it feels like each one of these represent a distinct separate part of my mind. They are compartmentalized and to an even weirder degree result in different personalities. It feels like I can’t just have these all at once, I have to choose.

Maybe this is a sign more than one sub at a time just isn’t for me because the goals don’t merge, they just manifest as competing selves all pushing and pulling different directions. Ugh why can’t my life make any amount of sense.

I’m running all this through a local uncensored llm to see what it says.

Probably my biggest brain dump in a post/novel to date. Maybe these subs are just incompatible with my mind and just cause a bunch of static

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#86

I have decided on some life guardrails.

Keep exploring organically. Do what I want when it comes to tech and take it slow. Sometimes I catch wind of someone doing some really highly technical stuff and I’m like oh I don’t understand that and I panic because I feel like I should know. I have to remind myself people learn things as they want to learn them and just because its there doesn’t mean I have to be good at it too.

Now I’m kinda like, do I want to learn this? Am I interested in it? Or is it just another should in my life. My expectations for how learning takes place is horribly distorted as well. Expecting myself to grasp concepts in a day or memorize things.

The job situation. Honoring my needs pretty much. I started constructing a prompt I can use with Gemini to feed it job descriptions to help me determine if a job is a match or not based on my criteria. A quick yes apply or no don’t apply. Scanning a job description for phrases like “we’'re a family” shudders. Using AI to offset job search fatigue, I’m thankful for that possibility.

And then as far as my discomfort with my body goes? I just keep processing that pain until it gets easier I guess. I’m trying to practice more body neutrality lately vs positivity. I may not like this body, but it is my body it keeps me alive. I can adorn it with pretty things and not pile on hateful thoughts even though it’s not what I want. That’s the least I can do for myself. It’s not giving up. It’s just working from the ground up vs trying to maintain this fake elevated sense of liking something when I really don’t. I’m starting to be able to identify things that upset me which is a step in the right direction vs this constant hum of anxiety and discomfort and feeling like a failure for things outside of my control.

I’ve realized in my life there’s like this goopy messy thing I just slathered all over my mind and it’s just sliding off now. Literally toxic positivity slime. None of it made a lasting impact. It’s becoming more apparent what are core beliefs vs things I WANTED to believe.

Idk and it kinda just sucks. I want to be this person and I just can’t move there fast enough to keep pace with the demands of life. Survival skills of a potato right now. I’m tired of feeling like I came up short in life and struggle. So much of this isn’t my fault, but it feels like it.

#87

Had a kind of epiphany overnight.

The exact thing I’m dealing with now is why I was so obsessed with constantly running subs. What if I didn’t have these? That was always my comfort, knowing I was getting someplace as long as I kept running them. Well it’s pretty apparent now that was just a really strong desire and not the reality.

Being on this washout and reflecting on things, I was trying to run from deeper things that were wrong. I didn’t and still don’t like the idea of just crowding my mind with the subs and never touching the root issues. I told myself I was working hard on self growth. Was I? Or was I just engaging in a really long distraction and avoidance?

I feel alone sometimes. Like I’m drowning in a glass tank of water. Everyone’s there, they can see me and speak to me but nobody can reach me. It’s this false sense of being able to get help. I don’t know if that’s my own doing or if life really is like that for a lot of people.

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#88

When do I know it’s time to grow vs allow myself to heal? Clearly the past few months I’ve overdone it.

I think going forward healing and advancement titles are gonna have to be separate for me. If I’m healing I’m healing, if I’m growing I’m growing. Mixing the two doesn’t seem to work that well and neither one achieves the goals as much.

I just feel intuitively part of my growth is learning to change and grow in a healthier way. Without that these subs are gonna be useless because I’ll just engage in self harm trying to enact change I have no capacity for.

Trying to figure out how to help myself and take care of myself is hard. I’m learning that a large portion of this is blaming myself for things that are part of neurodivergence I never received help or support for. I’ve tried to mask and suppress things I have no control over just so I can appear more normal in society. At this point I get nothing out of it so there’s zero reason to uphold that obligation.

#89

I read over the goals for Regeneration again and it’s weird but I completely forgot the main goal of that sub is to not push anything. I’ve been sitting here worried about taking on too much healing and getting caught up in rumination.

Anyway I’m gonna keep going with my washout till the 30 days. Right now I feel like I’m not gonna integrate anything else. I don’t think there’s much to integrate. Genuinely think after a certain point my mind threw out any sub instructions as excess stimulus my body no longer needed. But instead of jumping back on regeneration I figured I might as well give it some time just so I can see for myself.

When I do get back on regeneration I intend to engage in some very defiant rest. That means not just cultivating calm but using rest as a defensive tool against the bullshit I’m inevitably gonna run across. And I’m gonna keep running it until my life is more stable and there’s actual room for my own personal growth vs putting out fires.

I hate it because I wish I could just run a sub I want like seductress and have it work. But I’ve had to take a good long hard look at myself and realize that’s not gonna happen now. No matter how much I want it. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m always behind in life and losing time but pushing myself does nothing and makes everything worse.

#90

Just a few things for contemplation:

Looking at your posts, you clearly already have an incredible amount of depth and the ability to peer inside yourself and articulate things. Given that, do you really need something like Dragon Reborn: Regeneration – which yes, promotes inner healing, but through depth?

Or, do you need something for embodiment. Instead of struggling with self-worth, identity and image issues, perhaps you need to just live, let life flow and see how things go.

I remember (I think – sorry, I read so many journals and posts a day that things slip my mind) you running PEACE and having difficulties there. Now, this is all theoretical, so you decide if this resonates with you: PEACE helps you dissolve established identities that have been holding you back from fully engaging in life – and we can see this playing out in the reports.

The issue I see here (and again, this is from the outside looking in) is that you haven’t quite established a definitive identity of who you are, and thus PEACE triggered confusion-based recon – how can you evaluate and dissolve something that hasn’t been formed?

Many of us who ran PEACE – myself included, I am on the same journey as everyone else – had strongly established egos (and I mean this in more of the psychological sense) and thus there was material to work with in the first place. But, if that has not been established, it may not be the best tool.

When you come off your washout, do a resonance check on Stage 1 on Heartsong. It is specifically designed to help you discover “who you are,” in a relational sense. And I always tell people that the craft of subliminal audio (at least how we do it with Zero Point) is the study of self in relation with self AND self in relation with the collective as a whole. This makes Heartsong Stage 1 very interesting for those who don’t quite “know themselves.” It helps you discover the boundaries you wish to establish in life – even with yourself – along with what you will and will not accept. And this (as you can see with the early results) naturally bleeds into all parts of life. Through action and observation, you create that established identity that you can then take into Stage 2 – where you begin to resonate with those who resonate with you.

Stage 2 has much more of an overt romance feel. Stage 1, however has much utility. Not just for seduction or romance titles, but another form of foundation.

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#91
  • 1 to the embodiment strategy.

I had AI suggest something similar, which initially made no sense to someone wanting to just build self esteem and worth. But since you’re quite similar to me with regards to deep introspection and undergoing past stuff, nervous system regulation, dropping into the body and being in the current of life could be way to divert all that mind chatter. Just a suggestion.

.

You have a similar Human Design profile too…

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#92

Yup you’re remembering correctly. It’s a valid point. I think I am struggling to figure out the right tool for me at this point. Embodiment is definitely what I want to move towards

The whole thing with PEACE about returning to yourself, I thought I could just run it and be fine and work around that. But something about it made me feel more fragmented and dissociated, it got kind of distressing and I had to stop. I still don’t really understand what happened but I felt it was better not to keep going on it. I’m not the most “normal” in terms of identity development and a lot of times that’s not taken into consideration with my decisions in life. So it’s really easy for my theoretical understanding of how a sub could effect me is so off the mark from how it does.

I will definitely be checking out stage 1 for heartsong. I struggle with any type of relationships, romantic or not so I’m sure it could help out there too.

Thanks you for the input, I really appreciate it.

Yes I get stuck in repetitive cycles a lot. It’s like managing my life vs living it. I get like these small glimpses in my life of feeling more connected to myself and other people and then poof gone. It’s like nothing has consistency, those are considered rare moments vs normal relationships and how most people live. It has nothing to do with the other person either, it’s just me going through phases of being so profoundly disconnected from myself it’s hard to interact with anyone from that state.

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#93

Still washing out and still not much in terms of bloom or anything like that.

I decided when I get back I’m just gonna run seductress solo. I was so worried about not getting enough physical shifting so I threw hot on top before, then I got MASSIVE recon from stacking those two and then I added Regen which gave me more recon, dumb choice.

I don’t need to poke and prod at my emotional landscape. There’s this obsession where I think if I just understood myself better I could fix everything. But life happened, things changed me, even though I still carry wounds from the past my goal should be letting them go.

At the end of the day Seductress is what resonates with me. It’s what I want, it’s how I want to live. It’s who I want to be. And I guess there’s something about commiting to that that’s scary for me. It’s taking a bold stand and being like “look at me, this is me”. It’s easier to be wishy washy and have people not criticize me but that’s a really dull existence. And you know it’s gonna be rocky and bumpy on my way to being that confident woman because that’s just the nature of comfort zones.

I broke down emotionally last night. I was visiting a really good friend of mine and it felt like I couldn’t identify a single topic of discussion in my own life outside of jobs and survival. I thought to myself, this isn’t good enough and I’m not gonna accept this as my life. I’m not gonna have my life just be one long stretched out tragedy and misery.

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#94

I said screw it, just gonna start listening again today. I did some somatic work in therapy recently and grew a new level of awareness with interacting with my body that made me feel like I wasn’t so trapped.

I didn’t realize how much my body locked up with ideas of confidence or being powerful. This was causing me to be more neutral with the subs I guess. I can be neutral or depressed, but not beyond that. So I haven’t been seeing tremendous outward benefits with the subs because well that’s literally blocked from being able to be experienced in my body. If I can’t feel confident, if I can’t feel powerful, how am I ever going to move through life as someone with those traits? And my mind threw all the good “reasons” at me, but it all just stems from the body.

The messed up thing and I’m only realizing this now. No sub was ever gonna build this mind body connection for me. I kept expecting it to appear. It wasn’t until my last session with my therapist it became super obvious how detached I am. And how living in such a detached state can make you feel like you aren’t actually detached. And why it’s been so hard to grow on subs for me. It feels like I’m connected and can feel things, but I’m just intellectualizing them.

It’s also making me realize that they are really powerful if they can elicit such a strong feeling in me. If I can just get to a point where it flows I can sense a lot of energy for positive change. That energy just needs to stop getting jammed up and get to a point where it feels good instead of painful.

#95

I decided I’m gonna do a name embed of seductress with rogue.

I realized that especially with jobs I don’t ever want to be in the situation where I’m stifling my needs, tolerating mistreatment, or bending over backwards for a company. I am so done. I would rather risk it and be perceived as “difficult to work with” than let people step all over me. Part of my difficulty in finding a new job is I have so much anxiety about being good at it, that my needs go to the side. And I don’t want to continue that pattern.

To get there I need to overcorrect. I need to make mistakes and I need learn that yeah sometimes when you assert boundaries things don’t work. That doesn’t mean asserting boundaries was wrong. A lot of employers suck and are filled with power tripping yet incredibly immature psychos.

I’m going to tackle my hypervigilance by strengthening my ability to not give a fuck what others think. I hate that at the root of all that hypervigilance is the fear of being perceived as “bad”. Just authority figure wounds. Just conditioned responses I haven’t broken out of.

Aside from that running just one sub has really opened my eyes to how much recon I was stacking on myself. This morning I woke up and just laid in bed and meditated on my own internal worth. And not only that walking through this world knowing I am valuable independent of what society wants to say. I reached a state of feeling powerful like I could get anything I wanted, I felt divine. I went about my day and it faded pretty fast, but I felt a state of being that I just know given enough time I can bring into the world and carry it with me.

I was in a sort of doom spiral over jobs and money and all that. Giving myself time and space to just sit with my feelings helped unfold some more powerful feelings pushing to the surface. This expectation to be treated well and anything less is unacceptable. I didn’t need a reason, it felt like it was emanating from the core of my being like a buried truth.

So you can kind of see how Rogue would help a ton here. During that meditation I had this fear like what if I get too arrogant? What if I become narcissistic? What if I start expecting too much of people? What if I lose empathy? etc. I have been molded to be “nice” at the expense of my own well being. Healthy self esteem, care for myself, and being respected are so abysmally low that when I try to build them my immediate worry is what others will think if I shine too brightly.

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#96

Going through a lot of emotions right now.

My survival strategy in life has been fawning/people pleasing. Very much an involuntary response and I need to stop beating myself up about it. I’ve always seen it as a personal failure, but it’s just a consequence of events in my life.

When I run this new name embed I’m going to be very careful to support myself. It’s about reclaiming my autonomy, not punishing myself for not being confident or brave enough.

I feel like I’m in a neverending black hole of rejections from jobs that’s had me questioning my worth. I’m trying to cultivate the mentality of being valuable even if someone outweighs me in skills or expertise. At the end of that day that’s all that really matters with jobs. Unless you’re a doctor or something, but even then look at Dr. Death dude got by on pure charisma and confidence while ruining people’s lives.

It’s just a big game. The hiring process, the “culture”, even the work is not balanced depending on who you are. So I might as well game it. Eventually I’d like to have these employers kissing my toes just based on my aura alone lol. And I’m gonna get it cuz I’m tired of dealing with such a broke ass system.

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#97

I’m also going through this phase of no longer cramming myself into a hole to fit, cuz it doesn’t work. But I’m kind of unpolished in being my authentic self because I masked for years for survival. Ultimately though I feel like this is the way to go for me. If this forces me down a certain life path then so be it.

It’s scary. It’s so appealing to just go back to the same song and dance and at least know it could work short term. But I know where that leads. Things have to change, I have to change if I’m ever going to have hope of escaping this prison.

It would help if everything here wasn’t a goddamn circus lately. I feel like I stepped into a hall of mirrors with how much nothing in this country makes any sense anymore.

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#98

Holding off on giving seductress a run till I get my name embed so I’ve been on like a three day break now.

A job application actually got forwarded to a hiring manager that I submitted. So that was cool and gave me a bit of a boost. It’s for a position that would be me taking on some higher level responsibilities, which I have avoided for a long time now out of fear. So even if I don’t get it, it breaks the ice a bit and gives me confidence that I can apply for these jobs and get looked at. Definitely feeling the positive push from Seductress to be more successful in career pursuits.

I’m also getting closer to having my voice sound like how I want it to. I’ve been stuck with a voice I don’t really care about for like 2 years now. It’s definitely effected my ability to socialize and exist out in the world. Not only is it sounding more feminine, but it has a silkier quality to it that is happening naturally. I have spent A LOT of energy consciously trying to get my voice to sound how I want it to, but lately it just feels like it’s emerging on its own which is such a relief. That gives me more room to be myself vs worrying how my voice comes across to other people.

Also I’m not entirely happy with my wardrobe or personal style. But I’ve stopped feeling terrible about it or like I need to figure it out asap. It’s kinda like, ok so I’m kinda plain and boring right now and that’s fine. It’s better to find clothing that feels good vs overly focused on what looks good. I picked up some random stuff thrifting. Will I wear it forever and ever? Who knows. But I’m entering a stage of just like not being as perfectionistic with clothing. I’m inevitably gonna wear something that looks bad or clashes and that’s ok, I’m learning. I felt like a failure for not being able to know how to grab the perfect piece of clothing every time and know exactly how to incorporate it. But I realized that comes with time.

Overall very happy with sticking to one sub, I feel like there are so many little building blocks with seductress it’s tackling a lot of stuff already and nothing else is really needed.

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#99

Rogue is working

I’ve started just applying for any job I think I could do. I’m getting better at not caring about performing at a job. Not putting on a face, not trying to appear eager for a job I don’t really care about, not trying to impress recruiters or hiring people. The plan is to get in there, do the job, see how I do, stop needing to prove anything and go from there. At this point I’d rather just work somewhere and see how long it takes to get laid off vs self destructing by trying to be amazing at everything.

Recalibrating effort and getting to the point where I am who I am and I get hired as I am so there’s no needing to maintain anything. I’m gonna show up in interviews with some brutally radical honesty and not care. Are some company’s not gonna like it ? Sure but I realized these interviews trigger my people pleasing tendencies bad and ultimately if I give into that it’s bad for me. So learning to get rejected and find the right fit for me vs trying to fit a job is the play.

Rogue has also been working on an angle with seductress too. I really want to express myself better and have fun with that. But right now makeup and clothing just triggers anxiety trying to get better at it because it has been so driven by looking put together for others, not myself. I had a rough day today and spent the first half of my day in my pajamas. But then I had to run out to a store to get something. Normally I start worrying about makeup and my hair and how presentable I look. I was like fuck it, I don’t need that stress. So I just threw on some regular clothes and went out the door.

Part of it is, makeup has been my armor for the past few years. It has helped signal to the world that I’m not a guy. But underneath all that I know there’s a lot of fatigue at feeling like i have to try all the time just to be seen as myself. Even worse I internalized a lot of shame and failure over that. I’m processing a lot of that now and trying to learn how to just exist without all that pressure. Again it’s survival because if I pass better I get treated more favorably, but at what cost to my mental health to uphold that? So I decided that I’m better off practicing self care and to stop twisting myself to avoid abuse from others who hate me.

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#100

I worked on a little music yesterday. I put a short loop together but idk where it’s going. I started getting frustrated and feeling like I was capable of something better. But then I just sat myself down and I was like your fantasy of what you want and where you’re at skill wise don’t match. That’s just facts. I can still appreciate my creations for what they are though.

Still I’m really upset. I don’t think I’m as creative as I wanted to believe. But I know acknowledging that is important to grow as an artist. So I’m just going to try to sit down and write and whatever happens is good enough.