It can feel like a waste to not run something that doesn’t “change” or fill in something different to ourselves. Like it’s cheating to go with your actual self and enhance it.
It’s a subtle form of “productivity” bias but deeper than that it’s a nervous system that knows “peace” is preferable but still unsafe.
I’ve definitely felt that in the past. This time it’s different. It’s like what are my actions, behaviors, identity automatically like when I’m not monitoring myself? Are they something I’m happy with? And the answer is no.
So it’s complicated because my bad habits and thought loops get confused for my actual self. When really I’m neglecting myself by not changing.
Officially done with my job wooo. But also going through a grieving process. I loved my team and who I worked with. I liked helping customers who appreciated my ability to help them solve their problems. I think most of all I’m just sad because it wasn’t the safety I wanted. The environment just sucked and I could see people who were there for a while getting that sort of toxic “well we all suffer together here” sort of attitude of rolling over vs doing something to proactively change the environment. It’s like the higher up the chain you got, the more tolerant of mistreatment they got because they already did their time in the trenches. Horrible org structure model to run with btw. I had an exit interview this past week and I just gave them no filter about what needs to change after they asked me why I think turnover is so high. I’m proud of myself for that because a few years ago I would have slipped into people pleasing behavior and been like “they’re doing their best, you’re exaggerating, it wasn’t that bad”.
On the seductress side of things I’m definitely already working through some conflicting stuff. I’ve been questioning how much of my wants for my beauty are my own vs sexist ideals planted in my head from movies, tv shows, and societal conditioning. And even then, how do I express my own beauty without drawing attention to myself? That’s definitely a block for me, I choose to dim myself so I’m not in the spotlight but then am I really even fully embodying myself?
Ultimately I want that beauty to be empowering, not a ball and chain I feel shackled to and anxious about. I love this sub, it helps me deconstruct the pressures put on a lot of women and start to learn how to flip that in my favor. I want to transmute this energy of “am I good enough?” to “I know I’m good enough”.
I think overall there’s this tug of war inside me that says “don’t do that, you’re only doing that because of men” and then another side is like “but I want to do this for myself”. Then no clear distinction on which is which. It really does feel like that guarded nature of not being objectified by men blocks my own radiance. Running this is helping me put into words the feelings I struggled with that blocked me from what I want.
Ok I am fully onboard with Seductress and HoT now. Those are gonna be my main focus and maybe rotating out other titles with PEACE as needed. I am absolutely convinced Seductress is the one for me, I’ve just got a lot of growing to do.
Still 30s, still bone crushing recon on both of them. Note to self do not run Seductress before going out and expect a good time, ugh this brings up every insecurity I have and makes me want to hide in a corner.
I listened this morning relatively early, crawled back into bed and meditated for a bit. Everything seemed good until I actually started my day.
I think this brings up some shadow stuff for me. Like OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I want to be pretty and hot and gorgeous. I want men and women to get flustered around me. Is that narcissistic? Idk. But also here’s how I see it. What if I REALLY wanted ice cream right? I could sit down, question why I wanted ice cream, the origins of my cravings, how to stop it, and heal from the desire for ice cream. Or I could go to the store, eat said ice cream, experience it, then just move on with my life.
Same thing with seductress honestly. I’m like where is this coming from? Is it really my desires? Is it insecurity? Lol, just shut up girl go be hot and get attention, who friggin cares.
The most gorgeous attractive charismatic people will live fantastic lives and then look at you and be like “well it’s not that important to receive external validation just love yourself”. Meanwhile they have a lifetime build up of it they learned and grew from it lol. Like imagine not eating the whole day and then somebody opens up a box of pizza and eats it in front of you, then they’re like “eh it’s not so great”. That’s what it feels like.
And I’m not saying this is everyone’s path, but honestly I think it is for me. I have to acknowledge my insecurities and my shadow self and work towards bringing that into my life to heal and grow. Once again I attempted to spiritually bypass core desires that needed to be met and acknowledged, sigh.
Hell yeah, let’s get it!
As soon as I started running Seductress I got more likes and stuff on the dating apps. Quality matches? No idea, but it does show me something is moving.
Other stuff
Grabbed an iced coffee this morning and a guy held the door for me while I was at least like 15 ft away lol. I felt awkward cuz he really did not need to do that. So that was interesting
I’m picking up my fascia massage routine with some tools I bought before. So the self care has returned
Currently in the process of doing a reset on my eyebrows and letting them grow back in to shape. Right now they are ugly but last night I had a dream they were perfect.
Slowly, very very very slowly I am embracing the idea of being attractive. Like embodying it independent of what I look like. It’s really hard and I know I want the physical to look a certain way before I consider myself attractive but I think that’s backwards.
The defensive shield is going down, my walk is a little more confident and sexy. Posture is a bit better too and I carry myself with more confidence. I notice when I get around other people though I want to shrink and I kind of hunch over a bit like I’m guarding my body. This is the type of stuff where I think it’s hard to make a postural correction on a purely physical level because unconsciously I’ll fall back into the protective posture.
I’m like 90% sure a lot of that is fueled by the fact I’m trans and the horrible mistreatment you can get if you don’t fully pass as cis. You never really know who’s out there, even in the most tolerant locations. I’ve been dealing with anxiety going outside for the past two years now. Hopefully seductress can get me to a place where I can sort of just own my space and stop feeling terrible all the time out in public.
For the PEACE side of things
I’ve decided to swap it out for Regeneration. PEACE is something interesting. Lots of self awareness and discovery. Unfortunately that’s actually problematic for me. I’m learning things about myself and my inner world that have been insanely difficult to address without getting completely dysregulated. Instead of feeling like I need to push through or keep going to achieve some outcome I’ve decided to step back and just focus on calm and safety. It brought down the dissociative walls more, but I don’t think my nervous system was ready for that.
I listened to Regen yesterday and it helped me ramp down my nervous system. Every time this happens I’m caught in this weird place of feeling like I shouldn’t do it. I think a lot of that is just the pressure of society leaking into my brain. I unfortunately am on linkedin and the absolute batshit insane content that comes out of there makes me lose faith in humanity and this system.
Rest is resistance too, and that’s what I’m framing this as. I didn’t do anything wrong to have a dysregulated nervous system. It’s what society did to me. Being more of a rebel by encouraging rest and telling others “no get your toxic shit out of here, it has no place in my life”
After getting back from therapist today things felt surreal. Obviously I was there with the focus of getting better. But it got more nuanced and I was able to be more vulnerable than usual.
It revealed a lot to me. I don’t feel comfortable sharing it’s really personal. But yeah. It kind of felt like Regen allowed me to facilitate a deeper connection with my therapist to explore deeper. An exploration I’m basically blocked from on my own.
Like yeah that’s kinda mundane right? But at the same time I’ve been going to this therapist for a year now. I’ve always struggled with letting my guard down enough to speak truthfully. Which you know trust has to be built for me. But a lot of the time I find myself artificially creating that to “progress” in my sessions. It’s a very strong protective mechanism.
But yeah. Got humbled today honestly lol
Waiiiiiiit I just remembered I’m running my seductress name embed with the Untouchable module. Lmao this is how easily I don’t make connections to the sub and external results.
Yeah really redoing my life here, ugh. That means getting real about trauma and the coping around it.
Does what I’m doing now “work”? I guess if “work” equals survival then yes. But I realized I can’t keep running on those old behaviors or I’ll never be happy.
It’s a good realization and I’m happy I’m moving towards honesty. But it hurts a lot.
I sent out 2 job applications before I broke down crying because I am very much at my limit. It’s not about the work, it’s the people, cultures, demands, abuse, gaslighting, expectations. Which is like if you are good at handling all that no worries. When you’re susceptible to it and it reactivates trauma patterns, good fucking luck. It can become impossible to heal let alone navigate.
And like the thing is I’ve learned with my system, the trust is gone. Literally anything I do seems suspicious or dangerous because all my life I’ve neglected and overridden anything telling me what I needed. So here we are, directionless, feeling life is going to hurt us regardless of what we do. And that’s a really hard position to be in. But it made me realize I have to cultivate a better relationship with myself so it’s not constant forcing myself to do things.
Where I’m at right now. I want to quit. I want to just run Dr Regen and retreat into my forever healing inner state.
But I know that’s not the answer. It’s better to try than achieve some false state of perfected inner life.
Whenever I face major changes, this is what happens. It’s always one more thing that has to be “fixed”, there’s always something that isn’t quite right, there’s always a feeling of not being ready enough.
It’s a valid concern but I have to learn how to balance these feelings vs jumping to extremes. I wouldn’t even call it self sabotage because inherently it’s a part of me doing its best to keep me safe. Which unfortunately involves not changing. So you can see how complicated this gets.
Have you ever tried Fearsome in a name embedded or custom before? If not then I can definitely recommend it from my own and a close friend’s experiences.
From my side, a lot of the BS from people, both close and professional seems to simply and significantly fade while the quality of my relationships improves. Reading your post reminded me of it especially since Ive been on customs without it for a while and noticing the worst of people more often.
Just my 2 cents. I really hope things get a little easier for you and that life starts meeting you halfway 
I have! I’ll consider that in the future. Right now untouchable is helping me form some solid relationships. I decided to lean into that a little more because I’ve been feeling really alone lately and vulnerable. I think as much as I have issues with the abusers of the world, I struggle even more connecting with others and trust.
Me: Runs seductress, wants sex
Also me: Why is this happening?!
I feel like I can’t actualize some of the goals of seductress right now so I’m just feeling a ton of sexual energy like all the time.
A lot of it is that I have a lot of blocks around sex too. So it appears, I feel bad, then stifle myself. But it happens without me realizing it.
There’s a big disconnect I have to be honest there. Hopefully I can close that gap a bit so at the very least I’m ok with feeling this way.
Sometimes I think to myself, hang on you’re almost there.
What if I’m not? What if not only am I not progressing I’m just diving into trauma loops and it feels like progress.
Stuff that keeps me up at night. Objective measurements are good, but sometimes you can’t even reach those before inner change manifests outward.
I think, idk. I’m going through some grieving right now.
One thing I have noticed though. So being trans my body is a constant source of frustration and difficulties. I want it to be different. There is a weird sentiment I’ve had to shake that I just need to learn to love my body and that passability doesn’t matter. It’s hovered in my head for the past two years now. Just recently I was like no fuck that, I’m going to have the body I want, I’m going to take care of my needs, I will change this, I don’t need to accept less than. Whatever it takes.
I hate that I waited so long. I hate that society and parents made me feel unsafe being myself. I hate that people will judge me for something I didn’t choose. I hate that the medical necessity has been overshadowed by fake outrage propaganda.
Finally got up the courage to match with a guy on bumble. He just wants to hook up. Honestly I think having fwb wouldn’t be too bad.
I just don’t understand where I got all these taboos around sex from. Like it’s just two people doing physical stuff it’s not that deep.
But I think seductress is working.
I guess what I’m reconciling with. I’m not just a sex object. But I also want to be desired and admired. There’s a thin line between those.
I feel like my reality got flipped on its head. This is weird.
The only thing I did differently was embracing this idea at every second there’s a small shift in reality thats imperceptible. So I went from feeling like I needed to make this massive change to understanding change is happening all the time and little nudges help guide me towards the right path for me. Literally every second is an opportunity for growth in the smallest way possible.
Right now I’ve had multiple days in a row of looking at my face in the mirror and not feeling terrible. I sent a dating profile pic to my friend to see if I was unintentionally catfishing on the dating apps 
cuz I’m just that insecure. But she said absolutely not. Then I had another friend tell me that I don’t even realize how attractive I’ve gotten. When I said yeah maybe, he was like no like you literally don’t even know.
It’s like when I think I look good I think it somehow must be fake or I’m seeing things wrong? Like I can’t just be hot there has to be some other explanation for why people are attracted to me lol.
Might be riding a temporary high but we’ll see. It makes me think maybe it’s been like this for a few weeks now and I had a sort of block to seeing it? Cuz this all hit me at once and I’m like where did this come from?
When you know you’re hot but the past wants to creep back in for one last ride… Join the club 
Wanted + Chosen is like being doused in golden sunshine, other people see it, you see it, so it must be true right?
Lol. I’m def overcomplicating things but idk how to stop.
It might be a protective thing for me. Like I’ve had a history of feeling good about myself then absolutely terrible appearance wise. Just that whole waiting for the rug pull type of anxiety.
I could run the stabilizer, I could but I don’t want to.
What’s been really bumming me out lately is it feels like I have to be extraordinary in everything I do just to survive. I don’t know if that’s true or what. But I’m increasingly annoyed at these jobs giving an exhaustive list of responsibilities with almost nothing in return. Truly feels like narcissism in corporate form.
Like wtf do I have to do to be ok right now? I feel like regardless of what I do I’m “punished” for not somehow grinding it out? People will be like “oh too good for a minimum wage job huh?” Yeah I am too good to not be systemically abused, the fuck kind of argument is that?
Ugh, it’s just I’m sick of all of it but I don’t have a reasonable way out of it. So I just keep running my subs and building on whatever foundation I can. Meanwhile I just keep getting squeezed tighter and tighter.
I know it’s bad because I’ve been falling back to things like law of attraction and neville goddard. So I asked google about the new thought movement (similar to the cycle others are in right now and whadya know?)
As the 19th century gave way to the [Gilded Age] the United States underwent rapid industrialization, which brought deep systemic hardships:
Severe economic crashes, such as the Panic of 1893, threw millions into sudden poverty.
Sweatshops, corporate monopolies, and dangerous urban tenement living became the norm for the working class.
In response to this widespread financial vulnerability, the New Thought movement shifted its messaging. Thinkers like [Emma Curtis Hopkins] introduced “prosperity theology”. New Thought literature argued that poverty was a “false belief” or a disease of the mind that could be overcome through visualization and cosmic alignment. This offered a psychological lifeline of hope and personal agency to individuals feeling crushed by massive industrial forces.
When the movement formalized into global entities like the International New Thought Alliance (INTA) in 1914, the world was entering the catastrophic hardships of World War I. Amid global bloodshed, economic rationing, and widespread anxiety, New Thought’s “religion of healthy-mindedness” (as termed by [William James] offered a deeply personalized spiritual refuge that promised peace, health, and plenty during a time of global devastation.
People talk about shadow work a lot. But how about some societal shadow work? How are we ever going to get anywhere in society if we keep stuffing the undesirable parts in the background and carrying on like we can just think our way out of it with the power of our minds?
Don’t get me wrong, I think we have tremendous influence. But it only works within the inherent structures that have already been established. It’s not just YOUR mind manifesting, it’s a collective effort.