Redoing my life - Seductress X HoT X DR Regen

Journals - Women's Products
#107

Was thinking about quitting seductress for stabilizer only. But I think it’s just a lot of recon from the 2 min I can’t handle. I will not sub hop. Going to try 1 min again after this rest day.

Having to break ties with my therapist has really fucked me up. But I’m proud of myself for enforcing boundaries. Having that happen with the last person I would suspect really hurt. I’m still grieving that loss and the safe space I had.

I know I hopped on whats basically like a moving current for what I want in life. I just have to keep going on it vs looking for a better one. Cutting momentum now with a sub switch would be self sabotage.

Everything is kinda crap right now. My relationships, my career, my mental health. But I’m working through it. I can’t see the end, I can’t see how things are going to work out. But I think that’s just a smokescreen of fear and not the truth.

Somedays I do genuinely wonder if I had an easy past life and my soul was like hmmmm what if we made things more challenging? It needs a little more spice. But then I got dunked with cayenne pepper and we overshot that goal.

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#108

@qOS Right now I need money. I’m running Seductress which does have career building and financial scripting. But it feels like building towards something bigger and it’s going to take time. I’m wondering if there’s any other title I could stack it with to help create shorter term financially supportive opportunities? Or if seductress alone covers that? I’m recovering from burnout and still need income to basically survive, I can’t tackle big projects or responsibilities without setting myself backwards in terms of recovery. I’ve had really bad luck with a pattern of toxic environments where I have to trade my mental well-being for money and ideally I want to avoid that.

qOS Question and Answer Thread
#109

That answer saved my butt from stack switching again lol.

2 min of seductress was a no go. Oh that was not a good time. But I made a discovery at least. I think the highly charged sexual scripting in it had me in a sort of internal tension. Mean that quite literally in the physical sense, like fidgeting, tightening my core, shoulders, to not feel that energy. Weird.

I want to be sexually liberated, that’s actually a goal of mine. I want sex to be as mundane as a thing as like a good meal or something. I wasn’t even raised religious but OMG why is this such a big deal in my head?

I’m not gonna censor myself here and I’m going to speak on some real stuff I know part of it is that I’m trans. I know what type of violence is targeted towards me if I “deceive” someone. So being too attractive, eye catching, alluring, could quite easily get me killed if I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m lucky I don’t live in some backwards-ass southern hell hole, but I do still need to be careful. I WISH that was just paranoid thinking or negativity but it’s not. And I know Seductress probably has safety scripting so I’m probably processing some of that.

On another note paragon sleep has been great. Consistently getting to bed on time and I don’t even plan for it. Somehow my day wraps up and my brain goes yup that’s it it’s ok to just go rest now. Vs that churning of “i need to still make the most of this day, I need to do more, I need to tackle the things I didn’t do”. So that’s been saving me mentally and physically.

#110

Idk what’s going on but I’ve officially had it with social media apps and algorithms sucking me in.

I tightened up my app list on my phone so cumulatively I’m only allowed 1 hr across 4 apps until I’m locked out of them for an hr.

I also started using an extension on my computer that does the same.

I hate that it’s come to this, that I literally don’t have the capability to moderate my usage without tools. But I know it’s not me. I know big tech disregarded any potential consequences to all this and plowed ahead anyway. It’s designed to be addictive, that’s the point.

#111

I’m back down to 30s of seductress and doing 1 min of paragon sleep. I did 1 min yesterday of seductress and yeah it’s not happening. I know things aren’t going well when I start having all this anxiety and then I just zone out all day. That continual urge to just push harder when something isn’t working and thinking maybe just a little more exposure will get me over the hump. That’s never how it is.

I reflected on that today. I realized upping the exposure is an attempt to feel like I’m getting somewhere when I’m really not. Cuz it’s hard sometimes running these subs and realizing not enough action is being taken, but also coming to terms with the fact that there’s a lot of other stuff acting as a barrier to that action. Watching days go by, trying to change things, but not quite hitting the mark. It’s hard not to feel like I’m not doing enough or trying, so I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I think that’s also why I’m looking forward to a new therapist that will help me slow down.

I haven’t really studied anything or skilled up or anything. I really have just about had it with everything. I keep pretending I have this plan of action to my friends and family but the truth is I have no idea wtf I’m doing. I’m just thinking lately radical honesty is the way to go. I’ve spent too much of my life giving the impression things are ok or going well when they’re not. Tired of it.

#112

After resting today I felt better. Not as in my head or doom and gloom. I guess there was still some heavy recon I was processing.

Later on in the day I just sat down with my synth and just played some ideas and listened to presets. With zero pressure to write a song. It felt good to just do some creative expression without pressure. Just wish I had a solid process to expand that into a full song and expand on an idea. It seems like when I sit down to write intentionally I get nothing. When I’m messing around with zero intention of writing I get good ideas. I think it’s anxiety or something. When I know I don’t have to take an idea anywhere I feel more creative and unbothered. There has to be something I can figure out to get past that block. I’m thinking maybe learning to finally play the piano might help.

I finished this a few months ago. I was trying to be more dynamic and expressive with the arrangement. Also being more mindful of letting myself write what I felt. I feel like it was a good step in the right direction.

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#113

Rogue has definitely helped me out navigating my complicated life. My previous therapist prior to running Rogue I might have stuck with. It still wasn’t easy breaking away, but in hindsight I can see now how he overlooked my needs and just wanted me to change faster which destabilized me.

My new therapist I was able to speak all the complicated stuff in my head without hesitation on the first session. I had this mentality of starting from scratch with everything. I was still afraid but the words just flowed.

Part of not caring what others think helps me access deeper needs in myself. My whole life has been plagued by unmet needs because I couldn’t get past actually expressing vulnerability. Even with solitary healing it’s impossible to visit ideas and emotions without an immediate connection to other people. And if there’s a fear of being seen it blocks efforts.

It’s just confusing for me. Change has never been as simple as just do it and adapt. That’s a guaranteed way to just take on something temporarily until my energy burns out and I revert to my most basic survival coping.

#114

Been really depressed lately. All my life its just been push and push till burnout. I keep getting rejected from jobs and honestly I don’t even want them. It’s just fucking annoying how much employers expect, all the dumbass hiring practices that are most likely being run through ai. So many job descriptions just look like corporate ai slop positioning the employee as somehow needing to prove themselves and be honored to come on board. It’s just inherently abusive because people need jobs to survive and what you’re gonna gatekeep until your ego is fluffed enough?

Anyway I’m going to be trying 15 sec loops to see if it helps me out. I had this urge to increase exposure so I’m doing the opposite. It seems like whenever I’m overwhelmed or feel like I’m not doing enough I’m actually doing too much for my current level of capability and that’s what I have to learn.

Using these subliminals as an aid and boost to my life, not setting up even more challenges. I need to stop trying to overcome myself and work with myself instead.

It’s hard I guess. I feel like I should be able to do more in my life. And in the future I’m sure I will. But right now idk. Maybe throughout my life this is the problem, I never gave myself the time and attention for the traumatic things I’ve had to endure.

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#115

I think heartsong stage 1 would be good for you.

I see progress in what you write, the increasing awareness that the jobs you have done and you are still applying for are part of an unhealthy unsustainable system, as you become a more healthy version of yourself you are bound to have to find new healthier and more aligned ways to live, and that takes time, because it requires higher levels of personnal alignement and realisation to find the power within to create your own life in every aspect.

I feel heartstong helps by supporting clarity around core values and in my experience this is so far the most self worth improving subliminal I’ve tried, many increase self worth in different ways but this one feels more natural and coherent, unlike for example Wanted that increase my confidence because I get to feel very sexy or GLM that helps me feel like a solidly grounded rock.

I feel HS St1 is both gentle and firm, simple but meaningful, very foundational if you ask me.

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#116

Yeah Saint had recommended the same. It’s tempting.

I just have issues cuz I can’t really do more than 1 major life building title at a time.

I just know if I ran heartsong I’d be antsy and feeling like I’m missing out on seductress. Seductress isn’t even about getting dates for me at this point, I just want to feel closer to my body and be able to express myself how I want to be and move through the world with more confidence.

Having never ran heartsong I guess I can’t tell which one is better for me. But between the two of them I resonate more with seductress.

#117

Well this is interesting. After dropping to 15 seconds I’m having a lot of emotions come up. 30s and 1min was more of a general anxiety and unease that I couldn’t do anything with. 15s is digging up some really repressed stuff, a lot of sadness. Def not easy but at least it feels like I can work through this recon vs hitting a brick wall and feeling like my life is doomed.

I guess when I overexpose myself I dissociate a lot more and lose my ability to process. Good to know.

#118

@qOS How would Seductress and Heartsong Attuned stack together with each other? I’m thinking of using Attuned as a sort of bridge to actualizing more of the goals of Seductress. I’m assuming Seductress has a decent amount of relationship scripting, that’s actually a very difficult part of my life and I feel like maybe introducing the more gentle exploration of Attuned could help me take action a little better.

qOS Question and Answer Thread
#119

Guess I’m being a filthy stack switcher and doing attuned and seductress instead of paragon sleep lol.

I should prob finish this cycle of paragon sleep out but I think I’ll be ok just swapping it out.

And again my journal title no longer reflects my stack, I’m really good at that.

Paragon sleep was cool, but I’ve realized my sleep issues are moreso tied to things in my life that trouble me and I feel like Attuned might just help me feel a bit more settled.

So Attuned X Seductress it is

#120

Everything is connected somehow, I don’t want it to be but my decision to run Attuned was already made a few days ago before I consciously realized it. I might sound crazy for saying that, but I felt the impact of something different. It’s not just reading the copy and subconsciously deciding to enact certain things. That’s different. When I get closer to running a sub at a future point in time, it’s like hopping onto a wave or current.

For an example of that. I ran across my human design chart today and read more about the sacral response and how important it is to base my decisions on that feeling. Why did I run across that chart today? I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t actively searching for anything human design related. But there it was popping up, giving me the reminder that I need to be aligned with myself. And what helps do that? Attuned.

Having not run it yet, my guess is there’s something in the scripting that’s new that will enhance my ability to trust myself and my feelings more and let those dictate my choices vs heavy intellectualized and mind based decisions that are not reflective of me, but are consequently perceived as “safer”. And there is a fear in trusting that, a very strong fear prevalent in my entire life. What happens when your decision making tool is knocked offline for years and years? You grow further away from yourself because your immediate environment, your life, is not reflective of who you truly are.

#121

Ha! Knew you were Sacral led!

I have the exact same config in my HD profile and depending on what centres are open, those open windows need double glazing to keep other people’s ideas and judgements out of your system. Maybe that’s what’s happened to you?

Responding to life is difficult when all you’ve known and heard is push push push, grind grind grind, you’re nothing if you don’t work. Those poisonous ideas about life gets taken in and magnified from within, and then we take society’s side against ourselves!

Supposedly the idea for a Sacral Generator is to mainly relax and calm the nervous system, which is quite hard to do from the jump, but again depending on what are your open centres, closing the windows will be the first step.

How do you fare on nervous system regulation subs?

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#122

Nervous system regulation subs have been game changers for me. When they started incorporating that I was like omg thank you lol.

I crashed hard recently, like full on life crash. It’s really hard to keep my nervous system regulated when I know I have the looming threat of needing money. So I figured Attuned might be able to help orient me in a better path that doesn’t keep causing repeated trauma. It’s like all the breathing and relaxation exercises won’t do a thing if I know deep down I’m not in alignment with my life. There’s a very deep dysregulated feeling that sits beneath the surface and I really think it’s probably tied to my relationship to the world as a whole and my place in it. I look back at old journals of mine and I repeat things almost word for word. But I also recognize that there are a lot of power structures right now that are making everyone miserable, so it’s not personal failing, it’s a messed up design.

Literally my entire life. Also why I put rogue in my seductress name embed. It’s been that much of a problem. A lot of enmeshment with my parents growing up. The only reason I didn’t transition when younger and just live for myself is I was incapable of seeing myself as an individual with different needs that were valid. This has fucked up my life in so many ways, I’m still dealing with collateral damage.

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#123

Attuned x Seductress

Gonna start putting headers on these journal entries cuz I jump all over the place.

I ran Attuned this morning.

This is the current vibe. My life feels like a dumpster fire but I made banana chocolate chip pancakes this morning and just sat in my living room while the warm sun came through my windows. In that moment I was like this is ok, I appreciate this.

It got me reflecting on a lot. Me always preparing for a fight in some way. Always trying to be ready for the next disaster. Thinking this is the “smart” way to go about things. Not even close. By focusing on all that, I lose out on the important moments.

What’s kinda crazy and I didn’t expect this. But growing up with ADHD, undiagnosed at that, I was left with a chronic feeling of needing to prove to everyone around me I wasn’t lazy. Did that make me ambitious? Hell no. In fact I burned myself out from both ends. Struggling to function as well as never giving myself rest otherwise I’d be criticized for not doing enough.

The thing is nobody is here in my life. It’s just a shadow I give my power away to. A faceless authority figure that still exerts influence on me. But it’s still me and that’s the weirdest part. It feels like someone external and it’s not. I have to own that part of me, which means it’s not something to be conquered but communicated with.

And that’s actually where I’m kind of excited for Attuned. I’m doing IFS with my therapist and a lot of it is parts work. I feel like a lot of parts work is cultivating internal relationships and I largely suck at relationship building sooooo yeah. Conquering or overcoming myself never made sense to me, that “battle” that internal grind to reach some mythical point of freedom is largely self abandonment and one part moving forward against the wishes of another which results in everyone losing.

I think this is why PEACE was a struggle for me. Once it got deeper I had nowhere to go because I needed to pull pieces of myself together, not focus on the singular.

I have struggled so much in life and at the heart of that struggle I perpetually feel like I’ve done something wrong and had to fix it. It’s becoming more clear to me it’s less about fixing and more about understanding who I was meant to be.

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#124

Attuned x Seductress

Attuned is having me reflect on a lot in my life. It really feels like I’m able to just slow down. It’s all still scary I guess because I realize how much I’ve struggled with over the years. There was no big triumphant grand reveal or overcoming moment. My life just gradually broke down more and more. And as it broke down I felt worse and worse about myself. My previous therapist pushed me too hard as well, after terminating him I realized how much more dysregulated I got while working with him. My new therapist I’ve already stated it’s a clean slate, we’re taking things slow, I have nowhere to be or things to achieve because at this point I just want to take care of myself and appreciate life.

This is true responsibility and love for myself. It doesn’t matter what others are doing or what society sees as “successful”. My life unfolded the way it did with a lot of harm and that wasn’t something I had control over. Letting go of that burden is important, but so is giving myself what I need now.

I think the biggest thing I’m realizing now is the vision for my own life was a sort of cart before the horse scenario. I kept building this model of future success based on nothing. The fuel for it, the links, stepping stones, all non-existent because I couldn’t even respond with authority, do I like this thing or not?

In a lot of individuals with stunted developmental growth they recommend learning about yourself, trying hobbies, expressing yourself. Which is helpful, but its that fundamental connectedness of knowing what you like or dislike is at the core of that decision making it. Attuned just feels like I get access to that a lot easier. It’s made me realize how much unconscious molding I do with other people and even then I don’t feel as critical about myself for that because I know that’s just my survival strategy and not something I can just consciously choose not to do.

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#125

Attuned x Seductress

Kind of want to post more while running this combo so I’m just gonna let my expression run free.

I don’t want to be stopped by barriers. At the same time I want to acknowledge those barriers and understand how they impact me and what steps I can take to overcome them vs being in this state of “you’re just not trying hard enough”.

Anyway it feels like a push pull inside me. Getting these brief glimpses of calm, then that agitating gnawing feeling I need to do something better. Not my wants, or desires. Just this burden, these big list of shoulds. Untangling my true wants and desires vs the anxious, insecure stuff, is kind of tough.

I’m trying to get to a place where I just do things, like they just happen. Like that window between deciding and doing it gets smaller. But right now it’s like I tell my body to move and it feels like I can’t get it going without summoning some adrenaline and stress which adds to burnout so yeah… It’s been a viscous cycle.

It’s just kinda lucky that I have the ability to be unemployed right now because if I didn’t idk none of this would fire me into action or success like a lot of people think. I really hate the added pressure society puts on people who struggle with disabilities, like what they need is more pressure to snap into action and fix their life. That’s not how it works…

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#126

Attuned x Seductress

Recon hit hard, so I’m taking a day off.

There was definitely an initial elevated mood with Attuned, but then I felt it touched on actually building relationships and getting close with others. It’s one of those things where it’s like not a problem until it’s in front of me then I’m like “oh fuck I’m really really bad at this”.

And honestly it hurts, a lot. Not being able to just show up. There’s always something. Go deep but not too deep with talks, share my feelings but not too much otherwise I’m trauma dumping, hang out but don’t be too boring otherwise it gets awkward, get an open invitation to actually get support and run away. Yeah I’m a mess.

I recognize those are all my own self imposed rules, but that doesn’t make them any less real. And at no point in my life has knowing things or practicing awareness done anything for actually changing behaviors. Knowing the why is even more painful because my mind is like this is such an easy fix, just do xyz and that’s not how it works.

All that being said, I don’t feel like this is coming from a place of intense judgement. I’m not spiraling over this. It’s like seeing a fundamentally hurtful thing I need to address more. And the raw honesty Attuned is bringing about in me is taking me places with therapy I haven’t been to before.

I had to look at myself and my life really hard. I had to accept the fact that this isn’t a short down period with a turnaround around the corner. Everything I have ever struggled with has been internalized as my fault and a personal failure. That also led me to not process how that’s impacted me. Even these subs sometimes I run them and I feel a pressure to make sure they are positively impacting me and it’s like for who? My home growing up was filled with so much toxic positivity to the point it became impossible to even access problematic things or needs because they got so buried under shame and guilt.

I’m learning a lot, it’s hard. I want to be better, but I want to be a better me, not just taking on the persona of someone else.

Also I realized today that Seductress really helped me break away from my previously problematic relationship with my former therapist. I communicated my boundaries, enforced them, and trusted myself. I also was able to read the situation underneath all the words of manipulation. I doubted myself a lot, but I saw growth there. So that warrants some recognition.

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