Redoing my life - Seductress X HoT X DR Regen

Journals - Women's Products
#121

Ha! Knew you were Sacral led!

I have the exact same config in my HD profile and depending on what centres are open, those open windows need double glazing to keep other people’s ideas and judgements out of your system. Maybe that’s what’s happened to you?

Responding to life is difficult when all you’ve known and heard is push push push, grind grind grind, you’re nothing if you don’t work. Those poisonous ideas about life gets taken in and magnified from within, and then we take society’s side against ourselves!

Supposedly the idea for a Sacral Generator is to mainly relax and calm the nervous system, which is quite hard to do from the jump, but again depending on what are your open centres, closing the windows will be the first step.

How do you fare on nervous system regulation subs?

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#122

Nervous system regulation subs have been game changers for me. When they started incorporating that I was like omg thank you lol.

I crashed hard recently, like full on life crash. It’s really hard to keep my nervous system regulated when I know I have the looming threat of needing money. So I figured Attuned might be able to help orient me in a better path that doesn’t keep causing repeated trauma. It’s like all the breathing and relaxation exercises won’t do a thing if I know deep down I’m not in alignment with my life. There’s a very deep dysregulated feeling that sits beneath the surface and I really think it’s probably tied to my relationship to the world as a whole and my place in it. I look back at old journals of mine and I repeat things almost word for word. But I also recognize that there are a lot of power structures right now that are making everyone miserable, so it’s not personal failing, it’s a messed up design.

Literally my entire life. Also why I put rogue in my seductress name embed. It’s been that much of a problem. A lot of enmeshment with my parents growing up. The only reason I didn’t transition when younger and just live for myself is I was incapable of seeing myself as an individual with different needs that were valid. This has fucked up my life in so many ways, I’m still dealing with collateral damage.

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#123

Attuned x Seductress

Gonna start putting headers on these journal entries cuz I jump all over the place.

I ran Attuned this morning.

This is the current vibe. My life feels like a dumpster fire but I made banana chocolate chip pancakes this morning and just sat in my living room while the warm sun came through my windows. In that moment I was like this is ok, I appreciate this.

It got me reflecting on a lot. Me always preparing for a fight in some way. Always trying to be ready for the next disaster. Thinking this is the “smart” way to go about things. Not even close. By focusing on all that, I lose out on the important moments.

What’s kinda crazy and I didn’t expect this. But growing up with ADHD, undiagnosed at that, I was left with a chronic feeling of needing to prove to everyone around me I wasn’t lazy. Did that make me ambitious? Hell no. In fact I burned myself out from both ends. Struggling to function as well as never giving myself rest otherwise I’d be criticized for not doing enough.

The thing is nobody is here in my life. It’s just a shadow I give my power away to. A faceless authority figure that still exerts influence on me. But it’s still me and that’s the weirdest part. It feels like someone external and it’s not. I have to own that part of me, which means it’s not something to be conquered but communicated with.

And that’s actually where I’m kind of excited for Attuned. I’m doing IFS with my therapist and a lot of it is parts work. I feel like a lot of parts work is cultivating internal relationships and I largely suck at relationship building sooooo yeah. Conquering or overcoming myself never made sense to me, that “battle” that internal grind to reach some mythical point of freedom is largely self abandonment and one part moving forward against the wishes of another which results in everyone losing.

I think this is why PEACE was a struggle for me. Once it got deeper I had nowhere to go because I needed to pull pieces of myself together, not focus on the singular.

I have struggled so much in life and at the heart of that struggle I perpetually feel like I’ve done something wrong and had to fix it. It’s becoming more clear to me it’s less about fixing and more about understanding who I was meant to be.

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#124

Attuned x Seductress

Attuned is having me reflect on a lot in my life. It really feels like I’m able to just slow down. It’s all still scary I guess because I realize how much I’ve struggled with over the years. There was no big triumphant grand reveal or overcoming moment. My life just gradually broke down more and more. And as it broke down I felt worse and worse about myself. My previous therapist pushed me too hard as well, after terminating him I realized how much more dysregulated I got while working with him. My new therapist I’ve already stated it’s a clean slate, we’re taking things slow, I have nowhere to be or things to achieve because at this point I just want to take care of myself and appreciate life.

This is true responsibility and love for myself. It doesn’t matter what others are doing or what society sees as “successful”. My life unfolded the way it did with a lot of harm and that wasn’t something I had control over. Letting go of that burden is important, but so is giving myself what I need now.

I think the biggest thing I’m realizing now is the vision for my own life was a sort of cart before the horse scenario. I kept building this model of future success based on nothing. The fuel for it, the links, stepping stones, all non-existent because I couldn’t even respond with authority, do I like this thing or not?

In a lot of individuals with stunted developmental growth they recommend learning about yourself, trying hobbies, expressing yourself. Which is helpful, but its that fundamental connectedness of knowing what you like or dislike is at the core of that decision making it. Attuned just feels like I get access to that a lot easier. It’s made me realize how much unconscious molding I do with other people and even then I don’t feel as critical about myself for that because I know that’s just my survival strategy and not something I can just consciously choose not to do.

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#125

Attuned x Seductress

Kind of want to post more while running this combo so I’m just gonna let my expression run free.

I don’t want to be stopped by barriers. At the same time I want to acknowledge those barriers and understand how they impact me and what steps I can take to overcome them vs being in this state of “you’re just not trying hard enough”.

Anyway it feels like a push pull inside me. Getting these brief glimpses of calm, then that agitating gnawing feeling I need to do something better. Not my wants, or desires. Just this burden, these big list of shoulds. Untangling my true wants and desires vs the anxious, insecure stuff, is kind of tough.

I’m trying to get to a place where I just do things, like they just happen. Like that window between deciding and doing it gets smaller. But right now it’s like I tell my body to move and it feels like I can’t get it going without summoning some adrenaline and stress which adds to burnout so yeah… It’s been a viscous cycle.

It’s just kinda lucky that I have the ability to be unemployed right now because if I didn’t idk none of this would fire me into action or success like a lot of people think. I really hate the added pressure society puts on people who struggle with disabilities, like what they need is more pressure to snap into action and fix their life. That’s not how it works…

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#126

Attuned x Seductress

Recon hit hard, so I’m taking a day off.

There was definitely an initial elevated mood with Attuned, but then I felt it touched on actually building relationships and getting close with others. It’s one of those things where it’s like not a problem until it’s in front of me then I’m like “oh fuck I’m really really bad at this”.

And honestly it hurts, a lot. Not being able to just show up. There’s always something. Go deep but not too deep with talks, share my feelings but not too much otherwise I’m trauma dumping, hang out but don’t be too boring otherwise it gets awkward, get an open invitation to actually get support and run away. Yeah I’m a mess.

I recognize those are all my own self imposed rules, but that doesn’t make them any less real. And at no point in my life has knowing things or practicing awareness done anything for actually changing behaviors. Knowing the why is even more painful because my mind is like this is such an easy fix, just do xyz and that’s not how it works.

All that being said, I don’t feel like this is coming from a place of intense judgement. I’m not spiraling over this. It’s like seeing a fundamentally hurtful thing I need to address more. And the raw honesty Attuned is bringing about in me is taking me places with therapy I haven’t been to before.

I had to look at myself and my life really hard. I had to accept the fact that this isn’t a short down period with a turnaround around the corner. Everything I have ever struggled with has been internalized as my fault and a personal failure. That also led me to not process how that’s impacted me. Even these subs sometimes I run them and I feel a pressure to make sure they are positively impacting me and it’s like for who? My home growing up was filled with so much toxic positivity to the point it became impossible to even access problematic things or needs because they got so buried under shame and guilt.

I’m learning a lot, it’s hard. I want to be better, but I want to be a better me, not just taking on the persona of someone else.

Also I realized today that Seductress really helped me break away from my previously problematic relationship with my former therapist. I communicated my boundaries, enforced them, and trusted myself. I also was able to read the situation underneath all the words of manipulation. I doubted myself a lot, but I saw growth there. So that warrants some recognition.

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#127

Attuned x Seductress (30s)

Today I’m moving to 30s loops to see how I respond.

I watched a video on how to get the most out of therapy sessions and I realized it definitely applied to these subs. This might get long.

For a very very long time I was obsessed with healing. I thought if I just targeted these things, cleared them, my life could move on. So I doubled down on healing and systematically trained my body to avoid stress. Avoidance is not good. It can feel good, it can feel healing, it can feel like being on the road to being better. But sometimes you just put yourself in a loop of avoiding the things that need to be faced in life while waiting for healing to finish. It’s an awful cycle. There’s insights, discoveries, you understand the why, but it’s all just on the periphery of your allostatic system which is calling the shots.

I have followed so much bad information for recovering from trauma. Even the book Body Keeps the Score is just straight up wrong. It got really popular but a lot of it is pseudoscience.

I think I’m capable of more exposure with subs. But the sweet spot is a slippery thing. That operates under the assumption you can detect it. Which I’m starting to think I legitimately cannot. I’ve noticed in my life I trend to avoidance, A LOT. I’m starting to suspect that keeping the exposure down too far is a way for my system to maintain status quo. I’ve talked about true systemic change vs smaller changes within a confined framework. I think that’s what this is. If the exposure isn’t high enough, if I’m not truly challenging deep systemic things, my mind throws a bunch of bullshit little things at me to solve which triggers a dopamine reward cycle which gives the illusion of progress and keeps me away from more fundamental shifts.

So with subs instead of “this is a lot of recon I should decrease exposure”. The question should be “can I handle this? Can I adapt and grow from this and be a better person?”

It’s now been 3 months since I quit my job. And I’m not any closer to finding my own sense of freedom. The most powerful thing I read recently is moving on from trauma isn’t about the trauma itself. It’s your model and relation with the world, it’s how you respond to things. None of that changes by digging up the past. I know deep down moving forward is the answer for me and that unending pull to revisit the past is just my mind knowing what it knows how to do best to get me to avoid change. The rumination, the intellectualizing, the dissociating, all cope for living with a system that fundamentally struggles with interacting with the world.

In short I’m pretty cooked and have a lot more work ahead of me I’ve been avoiding for years thinking I could just magically change everything on a subconscious level. I have wasted so much time trying to find shortcuts that it’s just turned into one big detour and I’m back at the start for where I should have taken that one path to be the person I want to be. Years of subliminals and I never really changed the real system, this is depressing.

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#128

Just realized this is also the consequence of a fawn response with CPTSD. Trying to avoid conflict, trying to appease everyone, trying to avoid BEING MYSELF.

I can tell attuned is really important for me right now. Embodying more of myself, being in the world, learning what that feels like. That’s the most important thing right now

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#129

Attuned x Seductress

Useful info, bad idea lol

30s was still a lot. That’s it, from now on I’m being absolutely strict about recon. No more messing around with this whole push through it mentality, I’m done. Back to 15 seconds, maybe even 10. I put in a support ticket to get clarification on the lowest amount I could go.

My life is hard enough, I don’t need to be putting myself through these trials with subs.

I’m gonna read those listening guidelines until they are burned into my brain because for some reason I keep screwing them up. Maybe it’s desperation, maybe it’s a strict timeline and needing to have my life come together better, maybe it’s grief from all the lost time. Whatever is fueling it, it doesn’t help me actually grow.

I think my biggest issue is that while I can reduce recon by relaxing and calming myself, it’s temporary. It takes a lot of conscious intervention and energy and at the end of the day I’ve realized the fact is my nervous system is reacting to ideas I’m just not ready for. No amount of willpower or thinking will change that. And it’s probably even worse in the long run because I’m conditioning myself to expect this much friction when exploring whatever is in the script, which isn’t good.

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#130

Attuned x Seductress (10s)

Down to 10s today, we’ll see how this goes.

I felt pretty down yesterday, so I kind of meditated before bed. I was like half way dreaming awake and a thought popped in my head, “if your life could be anything you wanted it to be what would it look like?” Like in a wish granted sense, poof it happens, no work, no difficulties.

My immediate thought was I want to be attractive and hot, I want to be an entrepreneur in some form, , and I want to share my music with the world. Those are my desires.

Immediately after I was like that’s vain, you just want attention, it won’t make you happy, etc. And it’s like where is this morality policing coming from? Oh other people! My assumption of what other people would think of me when I put attention on myself. Which isn’t an assumption really, I’ve seen the worst sides of people in online spaces truly, so putting myself out there isn’t that appealing.

But! That’s what the microloop strategy is pretty much for. Working up to all that.

One of the themes in my life is not fitting in. I mean shit even my ex therapist looked at me oddly when I told him I wasn’t a huge fan of lord of the rings, stark trek, star wars, or anything like that. He was like “I thought you were a nerd?” People put me into these boxes I don’t fit all the damn time. Maybe that’s my fault because I don’t project a solid identity so people project everything onto me. Which obviously is a problem with fawning behavior because then I feel obligated to follow along with THEIR perception of me, not who I really am. Just want to be myself, but don’t even know who that is and that’s the most damning thing in the universe tbh.

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#131

:two_hearts::relieved: break barriers and find yourself, sounds like youre just too cool to fit in in most “categories” just like it should be, following your wants, longings and journey. 2 cool to be a nerd and 2 different to be mainstream. Just like any human thats multilayered​:blush::sparkles: following your journal and inner thoughts makes me feel like we are abit alike. I recognize my feelz in not fitting in quire in any folder. Like being an immigrant born in another country, i feel like im without boders. Wont quite fit in any of my “supposed” nationalitys. Also in social settings… with background and age being a steering factor… i feel missplaced most of the time. Growing up with 2 older brothers i was a tomboy growing up. Never really feeling super fem, i feel i found my “style” after uni and having my girls. I didnt own dresses at all. Now i kind of own 2 many dresses…ive just accepted i change with time and go with the flow. Adding that to most aspects in my life. I think im trying to say, just i recognize the mood your writings portray. And its nice not to feel alone. :raised_hands:t4::dizzy: one just have to find that faith withing oneself, and letting go of other peoples perception of u. Its not easy, specially in a shallow, judgy world where people may judge ones looks, moods and word of choice. It aint easy being a fkn human. BUT… the people that get to see u, feel u and get a chance to ur inner world should be grateful… its a deep and marvelous one. And that therapist lol, i would think yeah wow… and therapists should have the emotional intelligence not to be vocal about putting people in folders, but alas here we are. :sparkles::raised_hands:t4: intrested in what kind of music u create. Im a music head. Take care, keep being u and just shine in ur nuance,color, brightness and own type of light :raised_hands:t4::100::slightly_smiling_face:‍:arrow_up_down:

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#132

Ty for stopping by and commenting :heart: It def can get lonely it’s nice to hear from others and know it’s not just me lol. You get it. I appreciate it!

It’s a journey and a process. I’m starting to accept that more, as much as I want to get to where I want to be I have to acknowledge the present and where I need to steer myself.

And that therapist yeahhhhhh. There’s a lot more that went along with that therapist that wasn’t professional in the least. I’ll just say the seductress aura was working overtime and he latched onto that. It made me realize I can’t keep dulling myself just cuz other people can’t control themselves around my radiance lol.

I’m all over the place with music, mainly write in the electronic umbrella somewhere. I’ve made house music, dnb, ambient, hip hop, trip hop, and still exploring lol. Wrote this one a few months back it’s my most recent.

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