Reconciliation is INEVITABLE: Becoming A Khan

Journals - Major Programs
#80
  • Commander
  • Khan ST2
  • Inner Circle
  • Dreams (now playing!)

Brief flashes of anger here and there. And when I say brief, I mean brief—on the order of a few seconds. This has happened several times now since yesterday. It’s anger about current conditions. Particularly the current degree of my success in all that is romance. “Why don’t I have it now?” is the key theme. Fortunately, these feelings are very transient. It’s not like last weekend where I would be experiencing upset for an extended period of time. Hopefully, I do not feel that this weekend. Some thoughts of my own to counter that:

  • “Well, you didn’t really care about this stuff until fairly recently, and you weren’t looking to take any action on it until even more recently.”
  • “It’s the life you chose.”
  • And so on.

What’s happened so far this week?

  • Ramp up once again on work.
  • Got my performance rating and it was good, and now I know I need to step it out. The areas of growth laid out by my manager overlap with stuff in The Commander and Khan, so that’s good.
  • Did an interview for an opportunity in which I’d be able to visit another city for a weekend (hence a “travel.”) That was nice, I passed it.
  • More investing.
  • Signed up for an opportunity to finally return to the office.

Ugh, the pandemic is irritating. Whereas during my time in Dragon Reborn I was working with the pandemic it seems I’m working against it now.

Dreams. Running it for a few reasons:

  • To have better sleep. This is more of a wishful one; I noticed Paragon didn’t help that much with falling asleep easily.
  • To incur more dreams, particularly those I remember. I believe dreams play a crucial role in the subliminal integration process.
  • To incur specifically lucid dreams. I haven’t had an LD since starting Dreams just yet, but the end goal is to naturally lucid dream all the time.
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#81

I had considered running WANTED yesterday to get the effects of physical shifting but held off on it because of the effects it has on horniness.

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#82

The reconciliation and energy drain is proving to be too much. I have to take some things out of my listening schedule, including Inner Circle.

#85

This day is a grim reminder of the realities of reconciliation, and how it takes a toll on my life. In terms of the scale, the reconciliation and feelings I had this weekend made Khan ST2 surpass the reconciliation from all DR stages except DR ST2. I do not even really want to write down exactly what the reconciliation was (see my recent entries about that), for doing so directs my attention to them and triggers reconciliatory aftershocks.

But I’m feeling a lot better now. It took a ton of time and a few specific actions, however. I must document these actions for myself, in a note dedicated to how I can handle reconciliation, particularly reconciliation around Khan as it is the title I will be running for a while (whether in the form of ST2 or as part of a custom). What did I do, though?

I had a conversation with a friend. It’s not a friend I would have expected, however. You see, I’ve known this guy for a long time but this is the first time in our entire life that we met up for a 1:1 hangout. But I just had to meet up with someone and talk about some of this earlier today, because I was in the middle of some real shit. Being at home by myself, the pressure continued to increase and it felt crazy. Anyway, got something sweet and we talked for hours. What’s been going on in his life. Told him a bit about what I was going through, in terms of my thoughts and feelings and why I felt like I couldn’t take this situation anymore. Even though I made absolutely no reference to subliminals—instead of focusing on work, the desire to do more while the pandemic seems to push back on that desire, and the crazy feelings I’ve been getting as a result (bouts of anger, feeling as if everything is working against me).

It somehow came to him to tell me that it seems I am overloaded by some kind of input. That my senses are receiving too much. And that my mind is playing games against me.

What the…!

I received some helpful advice. I got to listen to some stories. And he’s receptive to doing more hangouts in the near future, which is nice. :smiley:

Later, walked to a park. Then got back home, had some sweets. Somehow ended up going towards the content on North Korea which made me a bit more grateful to be in the current society. :stuck_out_tongue:

I have not listened to any titles today. I will be giving myself a break from subs and perhaps this entire forum.

It has been 175 days since I decided my last one-week washout, whose start date was on March 7 this year. Viewing that deciding post here and the subsequent posts in which I reflected upon the benefits of such a washout I am looking forward to seeing things ease up once again.

I need it. The last time I ran Khan was on Friday (Aug 27). The next time I will run it is this coming Friday (Sept 3)—great timing since I’ll be doing a short journey during that Labor day weekend. Wish me the best of luck.

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#86

Well, the break from the forum isn’t happening. Mostly because I’d like to reflect, seek feedback also stay in the loop (while not running any loops) about what’s going on.

Today marks the third day since I last ran Khan.

  • The feelings are not as bad as yesterday. I am helped by work. However…
  • I was not very productive at work today. Unfortunately, the way I must evolve in my work is proving tough to do. It’s not as straightforward as my progression used to be. Not only that…I am getting tired of this WFH stuff. It’s dragging on for too long. I want to go back to the office. I want to be away from all the BS distractions at home. PMO again being one of them.
  • Heck, I know one of my longer-term plans is to move out of my house. I asked my good friend about moving out together and he’s open to it, so that’s great.
  • Apparently, I am to meet the individual & family via VC with my parents briefly tomorrow, before exchanging contacts to let me and that individual do our own thing. I don’t think there’s any real danger here. It’s just irritating to have that in the back of my mind on top of everything else.

An unfortunate development is that my labor day weekend plan fell through due to a circumstance outside of my control, so now I don’t have a vacation for this weekend anymore. Sucks, I have to take things into my own hands. Started messaging and calling some peeps to see what we can come up with. I’ve got some ideas and am reaching out to more people as I write here.

Internal: :angry: Grr

Overall my mind is struggling and it has definitely seen better days.

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#87

Very interesting, today in the morning my mind is trying to convince me to switch subs. Now that’s definitely recon.

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#88

:+1: :fireworks:

What is that?

#89

Work From Home

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#90

Much better…

It’s kind of crazy. I don’t feel crazy like I did yesterday. Today I still do feel some kind of pressure but it’s naturalizing out. I did EFT, which helped. An alternative tool also helped me feel much better.

Resting works.

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#91

Feeling weird right now. The feelings are kind of like overexposure, but I haven’t listened to a sub for days now. However, I do know my eyes are getting a bit irritated from looking at the computer all day. What to do, what to do…

I want to keep progressing. To make my furious ascent.

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#92

trust yourself. trust the process.

#93

Yep. Still doing the washout until Friday.

#94

Alright. Here we are, the final day of my washout. Did this washout help? Yes, it did. I’m not sure what aspect of the scripting provided such reconciliation. Maybe it’s because I continue to stay at home. However, tomorrow through Monday will have QUITE A FEW social hangouts, meetups and adventures. Therefore, tomorrow is the perfect time to start up Khan again. That’s exactly what I’ll be doing. I’ll be doing that as well as some other experiments, since I’m meeting up with certain people and in certain settings. One such thing is meeting up with the girl I met on vacation—but back in my area!

Tomorrow’s Playlist

  • Libertine
  • Khan
  • WANTED x 2
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#95

That hang did not work out. The individual flaked. They gave an excuse but only a while after missing the time…what nonsense.

I’m seeing a pattern among a particular demographic which my friend pointed out to me today in conversation and as a result I’m going to change course.

#96

I’ve been upset again unfortunately due to the way the day has gone so far. What has helped has this workout that I just finished, as well as some EFT.

Finally, the first hang is happening in an hour. The place I’m going to gives unlimited fries. I haven’t eaten the entire day. You better believe it’s time for me to eat.

Man, I think I see what’s going on. I’m absolutely HUNGRY for meaningful social interaction.

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#97

Being outside and hanging out with people really helps. Another hang coming up in an hour.

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#98

A Weekend Reflection.

It’s the end of my long weekend, so I believe it’s an apt time to reflect on what happened.

  • Friday: This was where things turned around. The first half of the day was tough, as I noted in my earlier entries. Hangouts just fell through. I was frustrated. I came back and did a workout. Then I did the hang at the place with a lot of fries. What made me feel better, get more perspective and gratitude was hearing the stories from my friends about the kinds of struggles they went through over the past many years. I compared my situation with that of my friends and realized that I was in a much better position, in many regards. That I should not take the current challenges too much to heart and that I should calm that. That was great.
  • Saturday: Outside since the late morning. Went to a different city, visited a big attraction there, ate at a great place. All with a great friend. Workout and movies in the evening.
  • Sunday: Two hangouts with a hike in the middle.
  • Monday: The quietest day. Unlike the other days I did not have that many events. Just a brief thing in the afternoon. But by this point I was mentally a lot better off. Therefore I was able to take this day more as a day of relaxation and chilling, as opposed to perceiving the day as bad because nothing was going on. Besides, it wasn’t really “nothing” since I played online games with friends. I also found it rewarding to write my reasoning to test new technology on WANTED and have it be acknowledged by Saint.

Note that I DID run Khan and WANTED on Friday and Sunday. However, I did not spend the days in reconciliation, likely because of increasing familiarity with the scripts AND the extended amount of time spent outside socializing like I wanted to. Perhaps the one subliminal slip I had (if you could call it that) was running Libertine. Honestly, I got a bit too ahead of myself by running that title and expecting a certain outcome, especially while being aware of certain conditions. On some days, it didn’t do much. On other days, it simply backfired. I’m going to have to put that title back in the vault while I develop myself on Khan and understand better the skills of Khan. That, besides the availability of certain social situations, would be the current limiting factor: hard skills.

Overall, I’m glad to have had this weekend. I feel that I have come out much better than in the previous weekend where I was pushed towards a one-week washout. Definitely much better.

Where To Next?

This is the most important question I’m asking myself now. The success of this weekend depended on my ability to plan for its events and hangouts. I must strive to make the following weekend also have activities. If not social stuff, I at least need to know what I’m going to do for fun or for relaxation. Now isn’t the time to be spontaneous. My mind isn’t liking that right now. Thursday and Friday have some things planned. I also should do more errands and other things I’ve been putting off because they’re not as fun, but need to get done to advance myself. Be more active in my career; continue doing NF. Make some financial advancements. Watch videos on attraction and skills like escalating. Whatever it may be, I want to note these things down and then do them.

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#99

Workdays

The workdays have been tough so far this week. It’s been hard for me to keep focus because the kind of work I’m doing and leading is out of my main element. Not only that, I’ve been getting increasingly distracted at home, despite my best efforts to stop said distractions. One of the biggest ones, unfortunately, is PMO. That one has been messing me up, in terms of focus and more. I hate it. But the more I resist it, the more it appears to resist me. It is one of the biggest reasons why I have been increasingly wondering when I’d go back to the office. Because that would give me MUCH more time and a separate space to work out quitting this habit.

I got my answer today. I am able to return to the office tomorrow. And so, I will.

F I N A L L Y.

I will continue to run Khan ST2.

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#100

The First Day Back

I’m a fan of today. That’s not something I’ve said of a weekday in a LONG time…

Being back in the office with my coworkers was such a blast. These are coworkers I do like, mind you. The most significant thing was that I got work done and with minimal distractions. I got to be away from the distractions at home. I avoided PMO, obviously (I hit a day streak again, let’s keep it going). Coworkers even got to hang out after work. Got dinner at a good place, chatted for a while. I missed this.

While it’s not mandated for me to go to the office every day just yet, I want to go back tomorrow. Why? Again, it’s because of that focus and being away from distractions.

Today’s listening:

  • DR U
    • Targeted this specifically towards sexual beliefs and fears
  • WANTED
  • Khan ST2
  • RICH Crypto (Now Playing!)
    • Writing down some crypto manifestations after this.
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#103

Looks like I’m reaching the end of Khan ST2 in the middle of September. However, it’s not because I’m going to build a Khan ST4 custom. That’s not going to happen soon. Instead, it’s because of the WANTED ZP test. Should I get into that, I will drop Khan and other titles and focus purely on WANTED ZP.

I’m usually one to stick to a subliminal plan, but I think that when it comes to these subs that are working on my social and especially physical & romantic development, things HAVE to change. After all, it’s my level of thinking that’s gotten me where I am today. That’s been fine and dandy for my career, money and more but inadequate for romance and sex. Khan, while still considered an awesome platform, has brought me a lot of reconciliation and uneasiness. To think this is ST2…

Well, reconciliation is better than what happened the last time I ran Khan, which is to say little. I think WANTED will give me that laid back, nonchalant attitude I need for this. By that, I need to rest in the knowing that everything is going to work out for me in a social and romantic context. I’ve been too worried, and too restless about how I can keep myself busy and outside.

I simply had not planned for what to do if the pandemic continued on this far and it got me.