2 Likes
1 Like
Had an unusual experience yesterday
is what came to mind immediately afterwards.
Sunday. I hadn’t smoked yet that day, and it’s mid-afternoon. I’m dropping a deuce in the upstairs bathroom and scrolling when I notice something blurry in my left eye’s field of vision. Blink and squint a few times, but nope. Still there. A chevron shape, like that instance 5 odd years ago, but that’s where the similarities end.
This visual was see through, a line of heat shimmers (like off pavement outside on a summer’s day). Sometimes there were shapes and colors moving through this chevron line; lots of &&##$^&!@#&";:(#&$&-#-$----±+ type shit and I distinctly recall seeing a small blue rectangular box shape traveling this shimmer line through the air to me. That was another thing: while the previous time had been a definite < in my vision (flatlike), this time the chevron sort of originated from my left side before angling and going right. It was bigger.
Whole episode lasted 25-30 minutes, the visual thing ending after I smoke a bowl.
2 Likes
After a discussion with my oldest child a few days ago, I started taking some online autism tests. Oof. Child #1 recommended the RAADS-R test after hearing about a couple others that I took, so I finished that one this morning.
Results
More oof.
I felt sad most of the day upon the realization. Everything makes sense in review with this information as a filter.
I would credit RoM for the unfolding of this revelation. 
This information would have been helpful at a much earlier age. I’ve endured the “different”, “weird”, “odd” etc labels from everyone in my life, and everyone trying to change me too, or wishing I “was more normal”.
I UNDERSTAND NOW WHY ALL THE HEADPHONE KIDS LIKE ME AT MY JOB. Why some of the other staff give me weary looks. I feel so cringe. I wonder if I am a joke to some of them.
I was “gifted” when I was younger, in school.
Yeah man.
Aside from that…
NSFW, well not too bad but whatever
Wife’s stack now includes a NE Diamond. We had relations tonight and she came 10+ times in 20 minutes. Yeah buddy. Tight AF too.
3 Likes
Had a tooth yanked a couple hours ago. Currently listening to Paragon. Let’s go!
3 Likes
Hope you feel well soon!
3 Likes
Thank you! So far, so good. Pain is low! No medication necessary. I did listen to Paragon twice yesterday after the extraction. Prolly give it a couple loops tonight too. We’ll see.
4 Likes
3/18/25 Nighttime!
I had started listening to Paragon as I sat down to type, but I started getting a headache. It was most interesting as the headache disappeared after I stopped the track. I got the sense that I’m “full up with Paragon instructions, more is unnecessary”. So be it!
The mouth healing is going really well, IMO. I had an upper left-side molar removed yesterday; a piece had broken off a few weeks back and it was beyond repair to start with. I had some novacaine at the time of the procedure, but that was it. No pain medication has been needed and I have a good clot in the socket. I avoided solid food though today, choosing to puree the soup de jour in the blender and slurp that down for lunch.
I have been very impressed with Paragon’s performance during this tooth debacle. 3/8 I was up realll late with mouth pain radiating from that tooth. Crawling in my skin type feeling! I didn’t think the over the counter stuff would touch it. Instead I listened to 15 minutes of Paragon around 1:30am and I was able to fall asleep by 3:30. I listened to another 15 minutes before bedtime the following night, and my pain was gone by end of next day.
I picked up the new Executive while I was at work. I had previously purchased Limitless Executive, but this looks…like it’d solve a lot of my perceived problems with being productive. I read the copy when I got home. I feel like I could finally get shit done if I get it a listen. Also, an interesting timing for myself with my recent revelation of spectrum disorder. I will find some time to give it a listen soon.
3 Likes
3/19/25 Morning Time!
Plenty of stuff on deck to listen to! I am not sure how I wish to proceed this week. I may rest on listening until Friday: I’m trying to set up a dinner date with my wife, but I need to check with the boss to see if I can get out early so we can go to her (wife’s) favorite restaurant. I picked up a NE Diamond for myself to enjoy, and I was 
considering pairing it with new Executive for that night. Although, with that idea I’m not sure where to start, listening duration wise, with NE Diamond. Wife dived in with 10 minutes her first loop and has been at full loops since, twice a week. Weeeee…
2 Likes
3/26/25
This newfound autistic self realization has been a doozy.
That was the first thing that came to a friendly co-worker’s mind when I was talking to him about this. Funny tho, it is close to how I feel.
I’m still feeling sad and withdrawn. Thanks to my desire to find out, and…I’m thinking Emperor Daddy scripting, my brain has been pulling up memories of awkward social encounters and other various fuck ups and cringe worthy moments. Each one is then reviewed through “the autism filter” to see if said moment would make sense if I was autistic. They all pass. Everything fits. The problems communicating with people, my hyperfixations, object permanence with my family members, difficulty in making and keeping friends, the mask i wear at work! Taking everything literally. More stuff I don’t feel like typing out. /sigh
It feels like a portion of my character sheet has finally been unveiled, and I can see all the modifiers for the first time. The negative ones at least. I am still searching for the positives that present themselves in my life.
I’m sure the real problem is my own self perception. Once I figure it out and settle on positive truthful narrative, I’ll be good to go. Until then…
2 Likes
The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do.
Just saw that. Felt important to get it down.
3 Likes
late night thoughts
just had a synchronicity in reading an article online, the phrase “quantum leap” jumping out at me.
lol
I had made the decision to switch to love bomb to help me deal with some self realizations.
- NE LBFH /w King’s Radiance was giving me some kinda recon. Kept bringing to mind some past bullshit with my wife. I thought on the feeling for a while, zeroing in on the time frame that I was feeling bad about, nearly 5 years ago. Bringing it up to her would cause a certain amount of headache, and projected resolution chance was low, making bringing it up seem pointless as she is different now, as am I. Yet I felt bad.
- This autism shit. I am going to pursue a professional diagnosis.
Love Bomb pays dividends quickly, as I thought it might. The right tool for this job. I feel acceptance with both of the above bullet points. Lots of love being shown to me at my work. Kinda like the expression better than LBFH; it feels like i have to do less, whatever that means.
1 Like
2 Likes
3 Likes
Thank you so much for posting this!
Excellent! The exact clips I was thinking of!
2 Likes
4/3/25
Struggling to decide on the listening queue this morning. Such is life. It could be far, far worse, I know. This is the journal though! Take my thoughts! Take them all.
I reached out to a former boss of mine yesterday. He had just started some medication for ADHD before our working time together ended, and I was interested in finding out if he had gotten officially diagnosed and how he went about that. I was surprised to see a reply within a couple hours. He told me he had self diagnosed before going to his doctor, but has since stopped the meds as they stifled his ‘creative personality’. He encouraged me to keep an open mind about it. All in all, a thoughtful reply.
I also spoke to a lady staff member on campus yesterday regarding diagnosis. She is the student activities director, and since I have been a ‘celebrity’ judge for a campus competition for the past few years we have gotten acquainted. Lady came by for food at dinner time and I felt compelled to ask her about her degrees. That got the conversation going. She told me about her stuff, getting diagnosed, etc. Her executive dysfunction and getting couch locked. Told me the tests I had taken were valid. She did give me the name of a counselor on campus that could direct me further if I chose. It does have me thinking now on my need for something official.
I will add here that “Instead of bemoaning your fate, strategize around your nature” has been helpful these past few weeks.
I’m looking to reform BDD for my upcoming birthday. NDE is very fun, but I feel I could do without it in a custom I’m angling to support my autistic needs a bit better. I do enjoy the emotional regulation of EmpD immensely, plus them other benefits, so that core’s gunna stay. BDLM core as well; I’ve had several interesting enlargement methods present themselves to me, and one of them has me in a curious temptation. Nearly enough to buy and use for a period of time.
Dropping PRom core and Synergy: Venus Unveiled in exchange for Love Bomb Core. I really feel Love Bomb acts as a cheat code in my life, and I like that.
Still a work in progress, but I want to figure it out soon, as 44 approaches quickly. Universe, send me the module list today!
10 min LB
15 min BDD
7.5 min AuraBoost
3 Likes
Late night thoughts:
Wife stack result?
This afternoon, my wife listened to her NE Diamond (15 min) and her first listen - 3 min of Emperor: The Executive.
She just spent an hour fucking me silly! Really took the initiative during intercourse, telling me to switch differing positions, starting with a bj. 
Such enthusiasm, as on display tonight, is (was!) quite rare. After I came, she let me know that she was interested in having me cum again for her. She kept that up right until she came later on. PizzaShaman avoids the back to back orgasms now though, a harsh lesson learned.
Anyways. I feel the experience I had this evening was definitely due to her listening today. Like she was executing the diamond script on my ass. It was wild!
2 Likes
I just realized the significance of my daughter’s friend calling me PizzaDad !
2 Likes