AM + LD + AscCh
My credit score increased by 20 points.
My father apologized to me today for pushing me to go to college—basically forcing it down my throat using manipulation.
I got out of the house and went walking in the park. There were a lot of people there. I didn’t talk to anyone, but it’s good to see people outside.
Rest
I think recon hit me today. After work, I felt so drained and fatigued that I took a nap as soon as I got home. That hasn’t happened to me since I’ve been working this job.
I believe it’s also due to the alpha scripting reconciling me. I had strong urges to talk back to my superiors, but I didn’t. AM is showing me the toxic nice guy in me. When people tell me to do something, I just do it even if they’re not superiors. My biggest issue is when people tell me to ‘come here’ or worse just curl their pointer finger at me and I still go to them. I really hate that I do that.
Also, the majority of my superiors are women. I say that because it reminds me of grade school where 90% of my teachers were women. Grade school is where societal programming begins and I believe it hit me hard. And since I was a “good kid” I always did what I was told back then. It seems like my subconscious is still attached to this programming that was put in my head so long ago.
Washout
Beginning a washout today. I haven’t had much to report since my last post. As stated before, I will be switching stacks and running Regen + SE starting on the 16th. I think healing is what I need right now.
Washout
I haven’t seen much out of the ordinary happening since the beginning of this washout until today. A female co-worker asked one of my other co-workers to ask me if I was single. This hasn’t happened to me in a long time. Unfortunately, I’m gonna have to turn her down because I’m focused on ‘me’ right now.
On another note, I’m excited to start the Regen + SE stack on Sunday.
Washout
Regeneration + Sanguine: The Elixir starts tomorrow. I plan to run this stack for at least 3-6 months. After that, well, I’ll see when I get there.
I decided to drop my last stack after one cycle because I wasn’t taking any action toward any goals. I’d just go to work and come home to my comfort zone where I indulge in escapist activities. No growth whatsoever. The weight of my past is heavy on my mind and can’t seem to get away from it.
My goals for this stack:
And of course the sales page objectives
I’m looking forward to this stack. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I don’t know how this going to affect me, but I do know that this is what I need right now.
Regen+SE
I ran 7 mins of each. I felt pressure in my forehead as well as my temples while listening.
I read one chapter each of Allen Carr’s Easyway to Mindfulness and Smart Phone Dumb Phone. It’s like my seventh read-through of these books.
I shed a few tears today as I look back on my life. The thoughts “Why do I need to heal?” “How did I let myself get here?” and others ran through my mind.
I meditated and I felt more relaxed than usual during the session.
Given my status as a rank noobie here and the crap I post in my own journal, I really hesitate to post in other people’s journals – especially regarding subliminals. I really don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. BUT. (of course there’s a but) I gotta say:
It seems like you hit recon the first day of your stack and mentally gave up on it before you even got started.
@RVconsultant agreed with your choice to heal, so there must be something to your background that I’m completely ignorant to. Please forgive me if that’s the case.
I can’t understand this logic though. “I’m not taking any action towards any goals and staying in my comfort zone. Therefore, I’m going to drop the subs that are probably going to help me get out of that, and I’m going to pick subs that will ‘heal’ me (AKA allow me to not do anything).”
From what you posted in this journal, it seemed like AM was working quite well actually. 
I’m curious to see how your original stack would’ve played out over the next three months.
I understand where you’re coming from, but my thing is, I was going to have to heal eventually. It’s something I believe I needed to do. Better now than later.
It’s not just this. It’s more about the mental self-sabotage thats been plaguing me my whole life as well as my results with my previous stacks.
Not true. Healing is an active process. I plan to do a lot of introspection and self-reflection that most likely won’t make it to this journal. I don’t think you’d heal much if
you did absolutely nothing.
Maybe something could’ve come of it. I didn’t make this decision based on pure recon. I made this switch based on what I ‘need’ vs ‘want’, and I believe healing is what I need most right now.
Fair enough, and like I said – I’m of course super ignorant to you and your situation.
I really hope you can find the clearance you’re looking for… even if you aren’t trying to share too much, I’ll look out for any highlights along the way 
Best of luck to you 
I ran 7 minutes of Regen and SE.
Thought today: “ I really am living a luxurious life”
I had this thought after remembering my pops telling me that my cousin got arrested and is facing 4 years in prison.
I went into the break room to see the tv playing a drama I was unfamiliar with. The scene showed a man talking to a doctor. The man had just got his arm amputated and it was wrapped in bloody bandages. All I thought was “I’m really grateful to have both of my arms”
A new hire at my job waved me over to come to her and I said ‘nah’ and I waved her to come to me. She made a face at first but eventually came to me. Usually I just go to people if they wave at me to ‘come here’ because I never really saw it as a big deal. She wasn’t attractive at all. This makes me question if she was would I have still done the same thing?
Regen + SE
I ran a loop for 7 minutes each.
I got my haircut yesterday. I got compliments about it at work today.
Rumination and anxiety filled my work day. My head felt a little heavier today.
I remember my parents used to call me ‘selfish’ a lot in my childhood and they made sure that felt bad about it so I wouldn’t be.
Rest
I’ve been experiencing loss of appetite and weight loss. That’s not good for me. Probably has nothing to do with the subs.
I was sick this morning. I stayed in bed until it passed. Once it did, I got up, got dressed, and went to work.
A coworker asked me today what motivates me to come to work. I told her a paycheck and my student loans. I saw her face and I can tell my uninspiring answer didn’t move her. Whatever. But that question did get me thinking, " What really motivates me to come to work?"
If she’s asking that question out of curiosity and not because you’re shitting the bed right now then she’s definitely thinking of quitting 
Is not being poor and homeless not motivation enough? I think that’s plenty.
Lol. You may be onto something.
Listened to Regen + SE for 5mins each
Today, I had a strong urge to listen to some solfeggio frequencies, especially 369hz.
I took a walk around my neighborhood while listening to a 369hz playlist.
I’ve also been listening to a lot of instrumental smooth jazz lately.
Rest Day.
I found myself tryna to fight back tears at work today.
I just want to be free.
Keep fighting! 
Today is the beginning of a 7-day wash. I’ve decided to do 3 weeks on and 1 week off. It makes it easier for me.
I haven’t noticed too much yet. I’m still going strong on nofap.
I had a conversation with a female co-worker that I fantasize about. Made her laugh.
My anxiety has increased, but that was expected being on this stack
I’ve been ruminating in the past a lot. I started to write my thoughts down on paper. The persistent ones. Got about two pages right now.
I’ve been consistent in writing at least 5 things I’m grateful for each day.
I’ve been meditating, but it’s been a struggle to stay out of my head.
With all that being said, I may have to cut this stack short. Why? Since I’ve started, I’ve been rapidly losing weight. I can’t afford that right now as I work a physical job. I’m already naturally skinny and I’m approaching underweight status. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with the stack. Maybe it’s part of the energetic cleansing process of regeneration. I don’t know. I’ve put in a support ticket about it though. I went to see my doc as well to see if he could give me something to help.
I’m probably going to do one more cycle with this stack and then go back to AM so I can put myself in a better position to properly heal.
Washout.
Yesterday, I had interactions with Tropical Smoothie Girl. She had to train me to learn a new skill for my job. I even had a conversation with her about what part of her job she likes better.
The best part is: I wasn’t shaking this time.
Washout
I decided to get out the house this morning. I went to my local art museum for the first time. I just spent about an hour walking around and stroking my chin, acting like I understand the meaning of what these artists are trying to convey. It was cool. I’m glad I took the time to do that.
On another note, last Saturday, I witnessed my pops get emasculated twice in his own home. My sis had just graduated college that morning, so naturally a graduation party followed that evening. Lots of people showed up, relatives and friends of sorts.
Some of us gathered in the garage where we ate and watched nba basketball. Both times happened in here.
The first time I saw my dad get emasculated was by his good friend, who help him set up the party. This friend was lounging in one of my dad’s reclining lawn chairs when he started to verbal jab my pops, who was standing by the coolers. My pops verbal jabbed backed. I wasn’t paying to much attention to them until I heard this friend say “Whatever, just bring me a beer and make sure you open it too” in a dominant manner. I looked at my pops to see what he would do. And you know what he did? He did exactly as commanded like he was this friend’s slave without saying nothing. He got the beer, opened it, and brought it over to him like he owned him. And I just thought ‘Oh’.
The second time he tried to assert himself on my great uncle. My pop owns a motorcycle and it’s very precious to him as well as expensive. My uncle is in a wheelchair and was parked too close to the motorcycle. My pops tried to get him to move up a little so he wouldn’t make contact with the bike, but he said it so jokingly that you couldn’t tell he was serious. My great uncle responded with a solid ‘no’. An hour later, he tried to get him to move again, but still said it jokingly like “You getting closer and closer to my bike man” and my great uncle ignored the fuck outta him.
Seeing my father get disrespected so bluntly like this was an eye opening experience for me. Growing up I was around my father at least 70% of the time. And he’s always talking about how we’re so much alike using phrases like “our personality” and such.
This really frustrates me. It seems like I have to do a whole personality change and make a 180 to get the life I want. And I’m fucking clueless right now.
I’ll be running another cycle of this stack starting tomorrow.