It sounds like engaging with a very obscure space filled with unprocessed feelings boiling in rage, and now they are finally being heard and freed.
Day by day expanded and integrated in your conscious awareness and willpower.
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12.01.2025
Listening Day 5
TB 2:22 AL 2:30 ME 0:17
Decided to run rather short loops today to reduce processing time for quicker results.
I mentioned in the ME thread that I made progress with goal setting. It’s true. Though I didn’t set clear goals yet.
Today was another breakthrough in this endeavor. I assessed today, that I, indeed, need big goals. Like 7 year goals. Where do I want to stand in 7 years.
In the past I made a plan for this, but I wasn’t ready yet. In the meantime a lot of healing happened. I grew a lot. 3 years ago, I wasn’t mature enough to really do something with the goals I’ve set. I was still struggling so much with everything. So plan for tomorrow is pondering about my future and what I want to have reached in 7 years. Then I can break those goals down into milestones and those I can use as intermediary goals.
Timewise, I wasted a lot of time these last couple of days on playing Dishonored 2. So I gave my game disc to my fiancee to hide it and forget about it. I will only play it again once I find it by accident.
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Rest day after the short loops.
I slept long, but when I woke up, I felt better than a long time now, even before Khan.
I always needed at least an hour to be fully awake. Not today. I opened my eyes, ready to seize the day.
While having breakfast, I made shirt to do list of some household chores and then I immediately started working on it.
A total Game changer moment for me. I wasn’t like this in weeks, if not months.
Also, I had a lot of interesting dreams tonight. Some about my religious community that damaged me deeply and some strange dreams about me and my fiancee spending time with my cousin and her husband in a nudist environment.
I don’t understand it, and don’t remember enough to ask ChatGPT, but it’s a clear sign of healing.
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Interesting journal. I’ve never run Khan myself, but I’ve watched the journey of others who have.
Rage is something that can be used or redirected towards growth while you’re trying to pinpoint its cause. Often rage comes out of powerlessness, and it’s closest to a form of stubborn, obstinate will power which can be redirected towards your goals.
It’s cool you’ve experienced the planning with LME too. One thing I learned from the CEO of a company I used to work for is the importance of the BHAG (big, hairy, audacious goal(s)). I recommend googling that term, it can be really good for keeping your vision strong.
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That’s what I’ve noticed about rage as well. It’s pure energy. At first it was offsetting.
But, I guess thanks to the scripting, I was quickly able to put it behind the thought of growing so I don’t have to endure this shit anymore.
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I wrote about this one obstacle I can’t even grasp, much less dissolve. That’s standing in my way to financial prosperity, but isn’t about finances.
In the last couple of days I got the impression that it’s an issue of self-worth. A part of me still seems to believe that I don’t deserve abundance.
Just to keep it present in my Journal, for later reference.
14.01.2025.
Listening Day 6
TB 2:00 EoG1 2:00 ME 0:17
16.01.2025
Listening Day 7
TB 3:00 AL 3:00 ME 0:17
The last two days I was reflecting on the answers I got in the thread above.
Do I need more healing? More breakdown? Do I need to solve more? Reduce more of the things weighing me down?
Or do I need the opposite? Building up? Add something I’m missing? Gaining the strength I need for the future?
My inner voice leans towards the later.
It’s like with an accident.
You can heal all you want. But once you’re healed, you need to start training your muscles to be able to walk again. You can’t heal your muscles into strength. You need to train them.
The day before yesterday, I used a coaching technique called figure dialogue to talk to the part of me that is holding me back. Before my inner eye it manifested as nothing. As a void.
It told me that it’s single purpose is to keep me empty. Not to allow any passion to grow, any drive to manifest. Nothing that would lead me to loose my mother (as in having my own life). It’s an old programming back from my childhood when my mother was about to die regularly because if renal failure, a botched transplantion and the cancer following wrong medication.
It agreed to retreat, but I need to fill it actively.
The following night, I couldn’t sleep until 7.
Sluggish day. Stayed lazy in bed until early afternoon. Then started to clean my bedroom.
This morning I woke up and knew why I wasn’t able to work. It’s fairly easy. I didn’t want to because it’s boring. Two days ago, I wouldn’t have been able to make this deduction.
Today I can and it’s great.
Now I can decide to work just because I want to. Not because it’s fun, because it’s my decision to do so.
18.01.2025
Listening Day
TB 10:20 AA 10:10
Felt like I need a harder push this time.
Also I felt like I could use a refresher of my other Custom Abundances Architect which has winner overdrive and a few more wealth modules I cja use right now.
19.01.2025
That was yesterday.
I almost doubled my longest listening Time on TB. Today I have a mild but constant headache.
Tried everything (except for sport) to reduce recon: Salty bananamilk, minerals, sweets.
Nothing helped so far.
Sport isn’t an option right now since the headache gets worse once I start moving.
Nevertheless, it’s a good sign that I see an effect of TB which I didn’t consciously for the last couple of listening days.
20.01.2025
I started reading Learning to love yourself which @JAnon recommended to my fiancee.
I’m a third into the book now.
But even the introduction hit my like a hammer.
It sounds so simple and so easy.
Just accept yourself and love yourself and everything else will fall in place.
This hit me harder then the 10 minutes of TB.
Once before, when I confronted and acknowledged my sexual desires, I had terrible headache because my brain needed to reconcile the obvious truth with what I was living.
Yesterday it was the same.
Whereas recon headache was mild and in the back of my head, the headache from understanding this simple truth, was a piercing headache in the frontal lobe. @CurlyGirl massaged my forehead for over an hour to reduce the pain.
This morning I continued reading the book and it felt like knowledge I learned years ago dropped from my brain, down into my heart.
Today I’m extremely tired.
I’m still waiting for the new drops before I decide what to run today. I’m considering pausing TB for today. If the drop happens at 4pm EST it’s around 10pm over here, so still before I go to bed.
We’ll see.
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I’m glad you’re finding some value in the book!
There’s a few exercises in the later chapters that help with the integration, and they’re very simple to do (though not always easy)
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The last couple of days I refrained from listening to subs. Partly because I wanted to listen to the new EoG which dropped far later than I anticipated. Then I thought some more time for processing will be helpful after my TB overdose.
I wasn’t very productive (financially) these last couple of days. Struggling with everything.
Yesterday I’ve translated the Gay Hendricks book for my fiancee (using ChatGPT) and did the typesetting.
In the evening I was seriously depressed. Everything felt hallow and empty.
It lasted for 1-2 hours.
Afterwards I tried some techniques from Learning to Love Yourself.
I said “I love myself for hating myself for being unproductive”. The following emotions were intense. I still can’t put it in words. Only, that it was to much at that moment, so I withdrew from this experience.
I’ve listened to LB straight from the release for a couple of cycles and put it later in a custom with Ascension which I’m running since last November. Maybe thanks to that, reading this book feels like remembering something I already knew. Also the application of the first technique felt so natural. I’m excited to integrating it more into my life.
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22.01.2025
Listening Day 9
New EoG1 5:00 TB 1:33 ME 1:33
I was considering to go strait into washout. Just two days more and I could start the next cycle.
But then I discovered Worthiness Recalibration in EoG1s copy. I think this is what I’m missing. It’s spot on. So I decided to go for it.
5 minutes until my subconsciousness said stop.
Funnily for TB and ME it was both 1:33.
Work wise, it was the most productive day in quite a time. Still not much compared to the past, but a very good step in the right direction.
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The book from Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse?
From Gay Hendricks
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24.01.2025
Listening Day 10
New EoG1 9:30 AL 3:50
26.01.2025
EoG1 10:40 TB 2:45 ME 6:16
A lot is going on recently and I regret that I did not journal about it. This whole loving myself is extremely potent. I guess running LB with Venus unveiled for some time made it even more potent. It feels absolutely natural now.
Sometimes I realize how I feel about myself, then I love myself and then I feel like crying. From deep down.
Today another fight with the fiancee. Tried to sleep for a while. Watched some anime. Can’t sleep. Tired. Have to get up in 4h.
Edit: The following paragraph depicted the situation as I felt it. It reflects what I "heard", what my hurt self heard, probably not what my fiancee actually said. Since she's active in here as well, I need to clarify this. Also it wasn't a real fight, rather her venting and pressing a few buttons with me, putting her fingers in my wounds
I know we need a change. But saying I need to get my life in order to enable her to do the same, and as long as I’m not able to do that it’s my fault that she feels shitty…
I know I need to man up. That’s what I’m trying my whole life. Or at least the last 5 years. That’s why I’m running Khan now.
Edit
We’re trying to find a safe space where we can discuss these topics openly, without hurting each other to much. Completely without hurting each other is probably impossible, since we both would need to swallow to much emotions if we would try not to hurt the other part.
But speaking openly about everything before something gets pent up is probably the best way to go.
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27.01.2025
First day of washout
I had two big realizations today.
First. I’m still afraid of confronting my uncle about his intrusive behaviour, entering our living room. The most likely cause is that I damn well know, that it will lead to him confronting me about my shortcomings and that I can’t defend against them because I know my shortcomings very well. And all my inner work I did and the internal results don’t count for him.
I need a stronger frame.
Looking forward to running Khan St2 starting Saturday.
Second. I had a couple of loops of EoG1 since it’s release. And a few moneyfestations already. Once my mom gave me 50€ to get some coffee while waiting for the doggroomer to finish her dog. Then a customer at the gas station tried to return a 100€ Google play card because the code didn’t work. I can’t take such a card back of course. I had to tell him that he has to call Google directly to sort it out. He got angry and told me to throw the card away then. What I did. Later I retrieved it from the trash. And it worked without a problem. Since he told he will not visit us again…
And finally, I started to send out messages on Instagram again for work. I didn’t get one single answer the first week. Yesterday night I had a 10 minute loop of EoG1 and got two answers today.
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