Dread and Fearful Anticipation are like the speedbumps of imagination.
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Shift happening today.
As with the previous two days, mashallah, I woke up at 5:30 am or so, to get meditation in before the training. I felt irritated by various things, my son didnât want to wash his face, I didnât like how the training leader was sometimes criticizing alternate views and approaches. I didnât have time to shower before the meeting and I was also sleep-deprived.
Generally just felt a little like Bill the Cat.
Somewhere after the midpoint of the training, internal shifting happened. I became Aware of Good.
Got inspired. Felt appreciation for the same people Iâd been annoyed with earlier.
And the wheel ever turns.
Today has been a rest day. Just one booster loop of my custom Ultima Jet Stream B.
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Did you see the Wheel of Time trailer?
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A Quantum Limitless result that has been happening for a while now is that my mind will just identify language patterns that Iâd ignored in the past.
Some of them are funny. I donât really control them; it just happens.
The one from this morning was âtitâ.
Yes. Tit.
It suddenly occurred to me that this word was mostly like a derivation of the word âteatâ. Was just sitting in meditation and it kind of just paraded by amidst the other thoughts and sensations. Like a little âTit = Teatâ thought.
Saw it walk by and thought, âyeah. thatâs probably true.â
âthank you for sharing. you may sit back down now.â
yesterday another one happened when I was thinking of a friend of mine and the etymology of her surname suddenly struck me, and I thought, âwhat an interesting and cool nameâ.
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Back in the gym after about 3 years away. Obviously, lost a lot of progress during that time. But itâs not as bad as I thought it might be.
In general, I used to follow an 8-6-4-2 four-set hypertrophy workout. And I used to load up on macronutrients to fuel constant growth. I could basically depend on a 5-lb gain per week. So if my 2-rep max on the fourth set were 200 lbs, I could count on it being 220 lbs by a month later.
At 48 years old, Iâm not following that eating approach anymore. Itâs not so easy to get weight off. So, Iâll be content with more gradual gains.
Nevertheless, I would like to get my bench press, for example, back to 245 lbs on the fourth set. If Iâm patient and constant it will happen, and without unwanted weight gain.
My abdomen right now is a freaking cautionary tale.
Hereâs my bench press workout from tonight. Iâm going to be happy with this for now. Once I can do 8-6-4-2 reasonably comfortably, Iâll move up. Tonightâs was 6-6-3-2. (After 2 warm-up sets).
The way I usually divide it up is Workout 1: Bench, overhead press; Workout 2: Dumbbell curls, Lat pull-downs, pull-ups; Workout 3: should be squats, but instead Iâm doing leg press.
Who knows? Maybe eventually in Workout 2, Iâll return to dead lifts and bent-over rows. Just making sure to be gentle with myself.
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If I lose my gratitude then you won.
Youâre not going to win.
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But I like to win. We can win together. 
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The âyouâ being addressed there is Despair and other parts that sometimes live in me.
You know, this statement carries a lot of weight and also raises questions on the nature of different parts of ourselves. It would make sense to be grateful all the time and practice gratitude as much as possible. But it actually takes practice to be that way. I think most people struggle with genuine gratitude. And I have to wonder is it lack of perspective or something deeper preventing appreciation of good things? And if we do have trouble appreciating the things in our lives I think that warrants compassion as well.
Just some thoughts triggered by that statement. Figured Iâd share.
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I vote for you any day over despair. Arenât you taking a hypnosis course? Any techniques you could use to shrink that part of you that feels despair?
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Itâs not out of control. I do find it helpful to dialogue with it though. Itâs like a challenging brother in the dojo. We will fight. And we will learn.
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Be very, very skeptical of (our responses to) difficulty and discomfort (in other words, pain). Look them in their faces.
They are telling you how you feel right now. In this they are honest.
They are not telling you how much progress youâve made nor how far you are from your objectives. They have nothing to do with that. And when we use them to make such interpretations, we are taking useful servants and transforming them into lying thieves.
Take pain, difficulty, and discomfort as signals that it is time to take better care of yourself.
Do not take them as signals that you are failing, that you are not making fine progress, or that you need to give up or to lose hope.
Listen with Discernment
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What we call Time is actually Intentionality.
When you feel that your time is out of control, itâs actually your intentionality that is out of control.
Every moment of life is equally priceless; yet, there are seasons in which we are impatiently, frustratedly, or uncomfortably willing the moments to pass more quickly.
We think that we want Time to change. What we actually need to change is our Relationship to time.
The relationship to time is called Intentionality.
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The mind is like the earth.
How deep are you going to dig?
And where will you build your home?
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How much reality do you want?
When you see a body, will you include, in your vision, the bones, the blood, the shit, the nerves, the fat, the organs?
Or do you prefer to focus on the skin and the general shape?
Both views have their merits and enable different options and experiences.
But if youâre allowing yourself to see whatâs underneath, then donât judge yourself and your experiences by the standards of those who emphasize the surfaces.
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As usual, I feel that gratitude is a (subtle) physical orientation. Like learning to stand in the flow of a riverâs current.
Internal and External conditions can often seem to work to push us into a default position: reactive, curled up and flinching. Venturing little and distracted by vigilant waiting for the next blow to strike.
I think what people often overlook about gratitude is that it represents a radical grasping of power over the narrative. Gratitude is a power move.
In a worldâand with a mindâin which it is so easy and effortless (and legitimate) to focus on gripes and dissatisfactions. To pre-emptively hide within negative perspectives before we can be shocked again by externally-imposed negative force.
To me, gratitude looks those mental and social/cultural forces straight in the face and says, âFuck that and fuck youâ. âYouâre going to have to fight meâevery timeâfor every inch of wellbeing that you take from me.â âAnd even in the times when you win for a while, youâre going to have to respect me because Iâll never be your slave.â
What can I say? I like that.
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Get discouraged after youâre dead
Thereâs plenty of time then; (itâs even somewhat appropriate)
While youâre alive, keep going. Keep going.
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You canât afford to feel bad about who you are and where you come from.
You canât even afford to be less than enthusiastic about it. That goes hand-in-hand with a whole bunch of unwanted outcomes.
Find your superpowers. Recognize and revel in them.
Everybody has them.
They may not be the ones you would have asked for, but they are still awesome
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