My 1 year + with sub club

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Just wanted to start a journal documenting my 1 year with Sub Club. Started in June of 2022 with Dragon Reborn. Was already in a dark night of the soul a bit before this. Was struggling with a failing LTR among other personal issues.

Very first day of St1 listened to 3 full loops, oops too much. Just felt off, had a good game and shot terrible but still had fun. Had a huge emotional release watching The Adam Project movie at the end where Ryan Reynolds was playing catch with his dad and his younger self. Like it was healing stuff between my dad and my son simultaneously. During St1 I had 22 pages in my private journal and several emotional releases. Seems like a good way to release stuff is to watch a sad movie and vent grief. If I’m feeling depressed then that’s my go to method if it doesn’t subside in a short time. The dog movies always get me.

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#2

DR st2 had 9 pages in private journal. Included a family vacation at the lake too. Already more confident after going through St1. Installed the wrong component at work (not my fault) and normally I would have took it personally but was good with it and joking about it.

DR St3 down to 6 pages in journal, still conflicted about my struggling LTR.

DR st 4. By this time I want to end my relationship but hang in there due to financial fears. ST 4 was almost as much recon as ST 1.

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#3

Sept 27 2022 started a cycle of Diamond/Sex Mastery. Right around this time my kid decided he needed to upgrade so child support resumed, was a nice 2 month break from it though. Sex life was slightly improved, was more free and there was like an auto positive self talk going on in the background but it seemed a bit too little too late to turn my relationship around.

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#4

Great movie

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#5

Oct 25 2022 began EOG St 1. Ended up spending 6 months with EOG. 2 cycles of St 1 and 2 cycles of St 4.

St 1 brought up all kinds of fears that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own that I would have to settle for a small apartment.

Nov 20, 2022. Started training Jujitsu. Due to my work schedule I could only commit to 2 nights every second week. Was very intense cardio but I really enjoyed it. Got my mind off of everything and gave me purpose again. It was a humbling experience as the black belt instructor could sub me 5 times per round and blue belts could sub me 3 times/round. Took it as a win just to make it through a round without getting subbed.

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#6

Around this time I was looking for a spiritual retreat at a tropical location for the winter. Reached out to a Center by Puerto Vallarta Mexico but didn’t get a reply.

Back in 2013 I attended a Zen retreat put on by a Zen master who taught us Trilotherapy. Basically you are the Center and you have 2 inner children the head and the heart. The first 6 years of a child’s life they are in dreamland then something happens traumatic then they become either head or heart centered. In my case I became head centered, denying the heart’s desires which resulted in a lot of anger earlier in life. There was a breathwork session which was incredibly profound, was basically the first time I ever had a proper emotional release in my adult life, 34 at that time.

I kept in touch with a lady that began practicing Trilotherapy on her own and have had a couple of private and group sessions with her in the past. Will refer to her as JT. Reached out to JT in late 2022 to see if she was doing any trilo group classes and low and behold she had a retreat planned in Panama for Feb 2023 along with another guy from that same Zen retreat back in 2013 as co facilitator. Perfect! Right up my alley!

I had also been trying to plan a Mexico getaway with my LTR but she kept stalling on asking for time off from work. Finally I flat out asked her if she even wanted to go with me and then we finally had a hard talk regarding the status of our relationship. Told her about the upcoming retreat and she encouraged me to attend so I did.

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#7

Was just finished St 4 of EOG when I attended the Panama retreat. There were a variety of exercises and experiences but the overall theme was healing of your inner child and learning to trust that the universe/divine has your back and to develop a partnership with it rather than a push pull relationship that I seemed to have. Once again the pinnacle of the retreat was a profound breathwork session with a huge emotional release followed by just feeling super relaxed and grounded for the remainder of the trip.

JT knew about my relationship troubles and offered up her couples counseling services, told her I’d get back to her on it.

JT’s daughters had their second flight home delayed by a day so I booked them a room at my hotel in Toronto which resulted in a free session from JT later on which would come eventually come in handy.

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#8

Gracie? Japanese? Brazilian? Combat?

#9

BJJ. I’m just a hobbiest for now. Taking a pause for the summer golf season. Will pick it back up in the fall.

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#10

The night I got back my LTR once again expressed doubt about us going forward. I was completely grounded from the retreat still and suggested a couples counseling session with JT. It was a few weeks before she was available. A few days later we officially broke up. Was working night shift that week and actually felt relieved. Went to my brothers shotgun wedding a few days later in the next province over.

Enter ROS: Ended up booking a session with JT for myself a couple days after my first loop of ROS which I added to the tail end of EOG St 4. Up until then the heartbreak didn’t really hit me until my therapy session with JT which was Centered around self forgiveness. Then the floodgates opened and I vented more grief over the next 10 days then I did in my whole life. Was more intense than DR St 1. I also forgave everyone I could think of in that span.

A month later my dark night of the soul was officially over as I finally was able to be at peace with myself and everything else.

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#11

LTR ended beginning of March this year. Moved into my new place May 19th. EOG helped me overcome the fear of not having enough money to make it on my own, was initially thinking I’d just get an apartment or a small townhouse. Ended up getting a half duplex with attached garage and a very nice kitchen. Sure the finances are tighter now but making out ok.

Ran ROS from mid March to end of May so 2.5 cycles. Ran LOS and EHOM close to the same time. LOS helped me loose 15 pounds of mostly belly fat. Still have the same 5rm squat.

E:HOM. Been in the stock market a few year selling stock options for a small side hustle. Sold off close to 20% of my portfolio for a downpayment in March but for April, May, and June my monthly cash flow has gone up in spite of selling off some capital. Just making better use of what I have and executing trades in more of a cold calculated way. I compound the cash flow from it but could use some of it if I end up short with unexpected bills one month easily enough.

#12

Ran a stack of E:HOM, Stark, and Wanted for a cycle. Wanted was good for escalating tension with women online and a fun sub to run. Stark I just feel good on, feel smart, witty, and confident. Been socially awkward most of my life so figured Stark and EHOM would help with that which they did. That trio was a good stack for me and I wanted to run it for 3 cycles but then Sub Club goes and drops Khan Black on us all. Resisted at first but ended up getting it after a couple weeks after my cycle ended of the aforementioned 3.

Was always tempted to run OG Khan but feared it might bring out too much of my dark side. I’m somewhat resistant to the idea of dating multiple women at the same time and I have a hard enough time biting my tongue at work regarding the circle jerk safety department which seems to be based on fear and treats everyone like children.

#13

Khan Black: last loop of St 1 this Wednesday then washout and on to St2. Stacked it with EHOM the first loop and had recon in the form of anger due to my son’s inability to hold a job. Thinking it was the legacy scripting from EHOM. He quit the upgrading after a few months so no more child support at least but would have rather kept paying and him stick it out. I’m trying to get him to start subs as well. Showed him Ascension and Genesis and he’s more interested in Genesis. He does have a descent job lined up after the family vacay so if he could get a head start with Genesis that would be great.

Also had anger at work a couple weeks ago when I went to another department that I worked in a couple years ago. Thinking that was just unresolved anger from when I worked there that last time.

Also had anger at work regarding night shift like I have even more of an aversion to it now. I work a 7 on 7 off schedule with N/S every 3rd rotation so when framed as only 7 nights per 42 day period it doesn’t seem as bad. I sleep 4-5 hours when I work nights so I want to get out of doing them eventually for long term health purposes. There’s a couple other departments that have paused their N/S for now. There’s a part of me that seems to get triggered when others get preferential treatment over me. I did use that anger as fuel to apply for another job that is 7x7 straight days as well. Lots of places run nights every second rotation and there’s lots of work away from home on a 14/14 shift and I would make more cash doing so but that takes its toll health wise and I’m not willing to make that trade off at this time.

#14

Did I mention that the sex on KB1 along with Diamond has been phenomenal? I have a new lady I’ve been seeing for a month and a half. Did manage to last an hour with her prior to KB just on Diamond. First day of KB1 was only 30 min but pretty hardcore and intense. She said what’s got into you? A week later I ran 5 min of Wanted with KB1 and that afternoon was close to a couple hour session and didn’t release and which she said I felt different. My throb was more powerful. It almost seemed like Sex Mastery V2 was re-activated which I only ran for a cycle. I was effortlessly changing positions.

Prior to this lady I’ve had 2 LTR’s for the past 20 years with vanilla sex lives. My kids mother lost genuine desire for me after he was born so spent the next decade sexually frustrated. The previous LTR never lost desire but the sex was just vanilla and routine after awhile.

My current lover knows I’m running KB and she is supportive of my journey of cultivating sexual energy and physical vitality. She’s runningLBFH for a cycle.

#15

I haven’t figured out how to orgasm without release yet but have much more control over when I release. If it’s a double header I seem unable to refrain from release during round 2, which I consider to be a first world problem as it’s been a long time since I even had a double header.

#16

I want KB to be my main sub for awhile. I really like Stark, EHOM, LOS, Wanted, Diamond, and recently added BDLM. Obviously I can run them all without diminishing results so will probably run BDLM with it and add in a short loop of Diamond for sexy time. I use LOS for a 5 min loop as a pre workout which makes the workouts more intense.

This past cycle I’ve used Stark situationally. Took up line dancing a couple months ago and attend once every 2 weeks. At last class I played 3 min ultrasonic in the truck right before I went in and at that class I was the most confident and displayed the most skill in any of the classes so far. The group is doing a demo at an upcoming festival. The instructor asked me if I was able to attend and was disappointed when I said I’m on vacay during that time. I must have displayed enough skill to be considered for the demo at least. Perhaps it’s the fame scripting in Stark that wants me to put myself out there more.

Maybe I need to start exploring customs so I can cover more of everything that I want to run.

#17

One supplemental program I’m using to compliment KB is a course by Peter Ragnar called the Art and Science of Physical Invincibility. It’s basically a Qi Gong course with powerful magnets called thunder balls. They are a 5 lb steel ball with a powerful 12500 gauss magnet in each. One pose called the standing cranes nest is a wall sit while holding a magnetic thunderball in each hand with arms held apart and out front somewhat. The goal is to hold the pose for 10 min and remain relaxed under tension while engaging in the micro cosmic breath. I’ve had the course for over a decade but just couldn’t seem to stick with it. Use to just count breaths in the pose now I time it. Started off at 2 min now up to 3:30. It was 30 micro cosmic breaths in 3:30. Sometimes the breath speed varies so counting breaths isn’t an accurate way to measure progress.

The other pose is called the magnetic bar of iron which is laying horizontal across 2 chairs with only your heels and the back of your head supporting you. The first time I tried it I was sore for a few days. I currently use 2 stacks of books then lift myself off the ground. Can currently hold the pose for 3 seconds. Not sure what the ultimate goal for that pose is time wise but imagine a minute would be pretty impressive. Once again the objective it to remain relaxed under extreme tension.

The overall objectives of the course is to cultivate chi energy and to develop more strength without gaining size. Generate more nerve force to activate more muscle fibres. My Squat has been stuck at 315x5 for many months. My all time best was 365x5 in wraps, my best in home gym with sleeve is 335x5.

Also reading Advanced Sexual Practices by Sebastian Heller which was mentioned in the KB thread. Volume 1 was free online. There are 4 scrolls between the 2 volumes and 4 stages to KB which I find to be synergistic.

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#18

Last night at work I had an oil spill close to the end of the shift. My anger started to boil over along with very disempowering thoughts. Then I said if I can circulate sexual energy why not circulate this anger as well then proceeded with micro cosmic breathing and the anger quickly subsided and immediately got the labourer to help me clean it up.

I’m typically not very good at sensing energy and plan to cultivate that more and more the practice of moving energy. Just continue to visualize it moving even if I don’t feel it.

That’s what letting go of stuck emotional energy is all about I believe. Anger for instance can’t be resolved with thoughts. The anger fuels thousands of thoughts. The emotion is like a fire in the belly and the thoughts are like the smoke. You can’t put out the fire by venting the smoke you have to extinguish it at its source.

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#19

Let’s say you stub your toe, a common reaction is to hop on one foot while angrily says ouch F, F, F. At that point one is resisting the pain and it remains localized. Instead it’s better to pause and breath into the pain and start to move the sensation. When done correctly the sensation moves from localized to the whole aura then it dissipates from there. If that process can be done instantly then there’s a much better chance of being completely healed of the pain. If the pain is resisted there’s a greater chance of it being more of a long term injury.

It’s the same thing with emotions, focus on the physical sensation and try to breathe into it and move the energy. This is easier to do with pain for me. With emotions it’s trickier due to the barrage of negative thoughts. Seems easier to do this with fear for me. Depression for me has to transmute as grief to be released it would seem.

#21

Moved topic to correct category of journals.

All is well with the world now - please proceed.