The Valley of Vengeful Vegans
It was a few summers ago, I was hiking with some buddies of mine.
We were enjoying the great outdoors, trekking along a nature trail that went deep into the forests.
At one point along the trail, we came across these signs. āDANGER, TURN BACK NOWā.
We thought it was a joke. We were young and adventurous. NaĆÆve.
So we kept going.
We were laughing, cracking jokes and having a great time. Immersing ourselves in the beautiful scenery around us.
and then it happenedā¦
We encountered a middle-aged man suspended in mid-air, literally latched onto a tree. He was staring right at us with a disparaging look. It was frightening to say the least. We didnāt know how to react.
It was at that moment that he suddenly let out a high-pitched wail. We heard shouts and rumbling from the bushes around us. We followed our instincts and just ran. We ran as fast as we could.
My buddies were faster than me and I tried to keep up with them. I tripped over a vine, which I later discovered was some sort of vegan plant-trap. They had been watching our every move and planning ahead the whole time.
Within minutes, no⦠seconds. I was surrounded.
They tied me up with a rope (handcrafted from 100% vegan and cruelty-free materials) and dragged me along with them to their camp.
When we got there, they emptied out my backpack in front of me. They opened up a pack of jerky that I had brought with me as a snack and threw it into a fire.
For 6 days they force fed me to eat nothing but soy. For 6 days, Saint.
-sniffle-
Iām sorry, this was a really traumatic experience for me. Iāll never forget what they did to me.
They tortured me with the promise of meat, only for me to discover that it was Tofu. I began to lose my muscle due to insufficient protein intake. My anabolism was low. My estrogen spiked.
My gains⦠my gains, Saint. They were all disappearing.
I was becoming like them. This was their plan, to adopt me into their vegan cult and become one with the forest. They captured trespassers and forced them into veganism through unethical means.
I soon became like the Lion from the movie Madagascar.
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One day, a Siberian Tiger entered the camp. For some reason, nobody panicked and they thought that is was just a large kitty. The vegans attempted to pet the deadly predator and to my terror, it devoured them one by one. The entire camp, right in front me.
I donāt know if it was a sign from god or what, I honestly donāt know. Maybe the Tiger was full.
I was the only remaining survivor in the camp because the vegans kept me in the back. The Tiger eventually found me and slowly moved towards me.
āThis is the endā, I thought.
I closed my eyes and thought ājust make it quickā.
When I opened my eyes the Tiger was face to face with me, staring right into my eyes. It then turned around and left.
I intuitively now know why it had spared me.
You see, it sensed my hunger for meat and empathized with my carnivorous nature. I was unlike the rest and it knew this. That is why it spared me.
My desire to consume meat, saved my life.
Due to this experience, I am always on guard around vegans. I am suspicious that they are plotting to capture me and inject me with soy. I believe that they have malicious intentions to lower my testosterone levels and increase my estrogen.