Awesome! Khan ST1 is a roller coaster ride 
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I’ll level up: Khan got me messed up because of one thing - a bad relationship.
She was extremely sexually free and had picked me out because she thought I was the same. She quickly discovered that I was a “nice guy” and soon she blew hot/cold with me and it fucked me up. Thinking I needed to try harder, I went along with her, catering to her needs, which seemed to dampen her spirit. I was afraid to lose her.
The end was me surprising her with a gift for my birthday… and she straight up left, which shattered me.
I learned later that she was getting “serviced” by someone else on the side (with the dude getting pretty tired of her) and I was the supposed replacement…
Six years later on and off, she’s finally decided to move on, so I’ve been trying to heal up and move on.
Hence Khan. I don’t ever want that to be in that weak position again.
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You won’t be. Just wait until you’re in Khan ST4, and that memory will be just a past distant experience.
And yes, being a “nice guy” fucks everything up. It’s illogical, really, but that’s how life works.
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That sucks man, sorry you had to go through that. You know not excusing nice guy behavior, cuz it is toxic. But there’s a certain level of immaturity with a woman that just runs off and does something without communicating about the issue. My personal opinion, guys have WAY too much responsibility and blame thrown their way when a woman wants to be a bitch. True some of them get swept away in emotions and desire, but come the fuck on. If I have the integrity to be in a relationship and not stick my dick in the next hot piece of ass that comes my way, I’d expect her to do the same. Didn’t mean to rant, but I think more women need to be called out on their bullshit.
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I guess that’s done indirectly by putting up boundaries and refusing to pander to bad behaviour. Half of that type of behaviour happens because somebody (like me) traded their self respect for a bad relationship and didn’t previously scope the woman to see if she was stable in the first place.
It’s a blow to the ego for sure, but in the end, we learn from that type of painful experience and try to progress forward.
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Khan
Total Breakdown
Day 3:
Holy shit, this sub is dense. Need to cut back on the amount of loops overnight as I have a dull ache on one side of my head. They weren’t joking, this is even tougher than the previous alpha male sub I used ages ago.
The dominance which came with Ascension has gone walkies, others sensing they can once again try to out size me, and succeeding.
This bit interested me:
Narcissistic abuse fills the child’s mind with all sorts of wrong beliefs about themselves and life, that keeps them regressed and stuck in cycles of pain. Very few subs address this with a view to erasing them completely. So I’m glad TB does this. Hoping this completely wiped the slate clean.
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It’s temporary. It happened to me too when I have started ST1, and also in the beginning of ST2.
Give it time. The Dominance Khan gives you, especially when you get to ST3 and ST4 is something you can’t even imagine right now.
There are brighter days ahead, keep going!
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Khan
Total Breakdown
Day 4:
Was invited to a private viewing with my art peers and they were nice but very brief with me.
Then I was hit with a disturbing revelation: they didn’t really care about me. I mean, I was invited, but felt ignored and dismissed, like I was on the outside looking in. Stood around in the gallery with this sinking feeling.
How could I have studied with these people for two years only to be treated like a leper? I left early wanting to cry and throw up.
However the flip side is the new turn in the road - Khan. I can see big changes and successes coming in my physical development, with money and dating and sexual options with women. I can also see me leaving the art world and being successful in some other venue. It’s quite disturbing and exciting at the same time.
I saw a bus ad on the way home, which said “Find your True North”. Quite.
Total Breakdown: upsetting, but in an unexpected way.
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I look forward to continue seeing your progress, and the decisions you’ll come to.
These seem to be hard but interesting times of change for you @Michel
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@Michel - “Find your True North”. Now that’s purpose, identity, clarity, destiny, ascension and everything good rolled into one.
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Khan
Total Pick Up Chicks Breakdown
Week One
Overall:
Man, there were times I wanted to quit Khan, because it was getting tough to handle. Even having a near panic attack from holding two competing ideas at the same time. One more night of Khan solved this.
I’m also going to put the art on hold for now. The path to getting a career going is full of rejections, near misses and disinterest. It’s probably not meant for me, can’t take anymore failure.
Weird dreams:
- seeing a crocodile with a huge beard (!),
- seeing the US Chief of Staff ordering his Virginia mansion to be bombed by Harrier jets because he had enough of fixing his faulty plumbing…
Taking my Power back:
Another thing is I’m now seem to have a bullshit detector. I know when someone is low key manipulating me to be someone else’s slave, and throw it back at them. Unfortunately this comes from family, who installed all the faulty “give love to get love”, “serve your mother always”, “think of others before yourself”, “keep quiet” “you’re inferior to us” conditioning that is getting stripped off.
My gym sessions are steady, might add in boxing, because there’s always one dude that thinks he can start shit.
Women:
Yes, it’s a category that I’ve sworn off for a long time and vowed never to return. But it’s happening too regularly to not notice. Women are paying attention and getting sexually excited. Several girls who I work with have this deer-in-headlights look when I talk to them. REALLY friendly, like “being sad that I’m not around for a while” friendly. Another girl made a double take sexual comment behind me at lunch, that could have been for me.
Even at the art gallery where I got upset, I forgot that one very attractive brunette was keeping an eye on me.
Conclusion:
I am… sad that the old me is fading away from view every day I listen to Khan. My long held identity as a shy, weak, constant failure at life is morphing into something very exciting. Week one, done.
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The Coen Bros and Tarantino would absolutely be into that. Me too.
Amazing journal so far btw.
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This is it! In my experience the way to handle tough times on Khan is to listen more, not to take a break. And you and me are examples of the results of this,
I can see this as a reflection of what you said here:
Can you see that?
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@AMASH not initially, since it was so peculiar. Why would a Chief of Staff announce that publicly? But that you’ve pointed it out…
When you’re on the correct path, gifts and recognition come in abundance effortlessly as a reward from the universe.
Art has been my life for the past eight years and gained diplomas and awards. Now, I’m met with the outside world’s complete disinterest and refusal. It hurts.
It’s beyond sad, but there comes a time where you’ve got to cut your losses and know what’s needed to be blowtorched clean.
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@Michel, it is of course your choice and you know better what is best for you.
Just, in my experience, when you are on the right path, you actually find it harder than any other path.
Why? Because each and every epic story is filled with struggle, challenges, and enemies, for a long time, before the final success. There is no epic story of glory without going through the pit of hell. That’s a characteristic of being in the right story.
Plus, if you’re read the Bhagavad Gita. you would be familiar with the quote: “It is better to fail following your own path, than to succeed following someone else’s path.”
I just leave you with these thoughts. And it is up to you to consider what you need.
I am also sure the other guys like @DarkPhilosopher , @Hollywood, @Palpatine, @anon2351792, @Tomcat and others can add valuable insights into this discussion.
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In what way is the outside world showing disinterest and refusal? And what makes you want to give up art completely? Art in my opinion is a very long journey. Compared to a lot of other pursuits there’s really no “end”. There’s a lot of upsets that come with it.
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The last thing that occurred was a gallery pulling out at the very last minute on the day I posted them my artwork all the way to the States. Before that, a client rejected several of my ideas for their brand. Numerous paid competitions at $25 a shot resulted in nothing.
I’m not saying I’m totally giving up art, but I AM questioning who I’m doing it for. One could learn to paint for a lifetime for themselves and leave it at that. I wanted the recognition for being skilled at something and it just isn’t there.
TB is possibly asking questions about deeper motivations?
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What’s the place of art in your life @Michel?
And when you’re 101, on your death bed, and look back on your life, which decision you would wish to have made to not have any regrets? What would be most important then?
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Art basically saved me from a life of going nowhere and doing nothing. Being good at something and securing a diploma meant a lot. But I don’t live and breathe it, like my peers.
My only regret so far is not being brave enough to get out and explore the rest of life, through being too shy and emotionally injured. I’m a late starter, so this period of life should have done by the age of 25. I’m 38. I’ve wasted a lot of time already.
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Ah that’s rough. But you’ve stumbled upon the thing that makes most artists miserable. That want for validation or recognizing talents, doing it for someone else. If it truly feels like that to you by all means keep it personal and pursue something else. However it could be the environment as well. If you could make a living off of it how would that make you feel? Sometimes a string of bad luck can really alter our perception of something and make us think it’s “wrong”. But it’s not the thing that’s wrong, it was the situations we associated it with.
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