The good thing that’s happening is that I used to think ‘nothing ever works for me’ and I put up on my wall ‘everything works for me’ to over time help me counterbalance it but now I believe ‘Things can and do work’ much more balanced and realistic.
One thing I’m feeling guilty about is my lack of communication. I’m being very distant, replying when I want to. Shit that’s me not taking responsibility for maintain friendships and relationships. Think I take a lot for granted for sure.
Really craving playing WB right now which shows me what’s being worked on today.
I’m starting to see how I’m using my emotions and many other things as an excuse as to why I’m not taking action daily. Even though I’m on DR and can have waves of big noughts of recon, I still should be doing something. Rather than telling myself, ahh can’t be arsed, it’ll be okay, I’ll go consistently and do it some point in the future once I jump on the right stack or one day one thing clears and I’ll do everything all perfectly without any issues or resistance.
Things seem to be getting interesting in regards to DR helping to uncover how childish my mindset has been for getting the things I’d like out of life and achieving goals. It felt like part of me had given up. Don’t think I dealt with life after uni very well for a while. There was a ‘honeymoon’ period where life was great because I’d just got out but then I realisation now everything is down to me, no crutches so to speak, no pressure of failing uni keeping me on top of things. I think I need to find an internal drive to actually want to work hard for myself because at the minute I haven’t been seeing much point in doing anything. We die anyway, so what’s the point? Some part of me understands that’s a stupid way to look at it but it’s kind of true. I seem to lack meaning for my existence. I used to want to be the best songwriter in the world and the thought of that fires me up but I haven’t allowed myself to do/ feel that as I’ve been afraid that that’s too ‘grandiose’ of me to think…
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Wow, this is the first time I’ve experienced intense headache type recon. Currently on a washout period till the 1st. Had by far the worst (or best depending how you look at it) mental breakdown. Been coming to terms with how my life is at the moment. Think I’ve ran away and sugar coated things way too much and being ignorant so things aren’t so painful. I’m seeing the ugly truth and reality of my situation. Big change is coming and beginning to occur, I can definitely feel it. It’s only when I decide going back is fully and completely not an option that I will make things happen for myself. I have to be the man I wish I had as a father now for myself.
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Part of me is completely in shock awe of how well it worked. I’m accepting on some level that I don’t have to be that person anymore is I don’t want to. I’m now not stuck being the same guy that I didn’t like. I understand on a deeper level more of the potential I have and the power over my life that I actually have.
Sat in a coffee shop and realised I already bought a custom for my bday last year and never gave it a chance to work properly.
I realise it’s more than good enough to get me into a better place in life and that’s all I ask right now. It’s 3 cores so will upgrade multiple areas over time. I can choose to upgrade the build later on after DR.
This pattern of having the answers or tools and then ‘forgetting’ about them or moving away from them in some way seems to be a pattern of not wanting things to work. I read on the SC masterclass that this is a belief that can hold progress back alot which makes sense. Life surely can’t be THAT difficult where you have the answers and more tools and knowledge but then turn ignorant to them instead of just simply walking through the door to a better life. It’s a kind of learned helplessness it seems.
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Had a great day yesterday, felt and understood the changes that have occurred from the 1st cycle.
Less victim mindset, more willing to go through and do hard stuff. Big realisation of my potential as a human like I used to have. Life feels more fluid or smooth. Less social anxiety. Working through things I never thought I’d get away from. Developing this certainty and belief in myself that I will become the person I want to be or know I can become.
I’m getting itchy feet like I want to just take massive action now instead of wasting time on unimportant things. Rude people at work and disrespectful behaviour seems to affect me less, I can’t see how ruminating about the I’ll treatment people can sometimes dish out actually benefits my circumstances. I’d rather give energy to what I do want not to what I don’t want to happen. This leads into chronic worrying that I had most of my life. That seems to have at least decreased. I just don’t want to care anymore about all that stuff.
Asked to get put back into family group chat, it seems like not much of a big deal but the intention behind it is very positive.
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Still on a washout however I have to be strategic with the recon for my performance at my job. I’ve had at least a week now so that’s good enough. Got 2 days off then it not a 4 hour shift before another 2 days off so it’s perfect time to start cycle 2.
Cycle 1 Overview:
Many realisations around my impact on other people and an increased acceptance for responsibility for everything in my life.
Maturity level has definitely increased.
Revitalised understanding of my potential as a human and what I can achieve.
It’s like I have a bullsh*t alarm in my brain that goes off when I’m lying to myself.
Increased acceptance of life and how things are. Feel the need to change myself to get what I want out of life more than ever, rather than trying to change the world.
Less caring of stupid stuff that doesn’t really matter.
I see the immaturity of other people far more.
Less resistant to drastic changes in myself.
Able to accept that my circumstances is because of me and how I’m using my time everyday.
Less judgemental of myself and others.
Realised I was badly trying to convince others that these subs work because really I was trying to convince myself.
More masculine and relaxed (when not in the height of recon)
Far more in control of impulsive behaviour and have continued to cycle 2 of DR even though I had countless of times when I could have switched.
I kind of don’t want to feel ‘depressed’ anymore. Like I’m tired of being down about my life and just want to do something about it properly and dedication to a path is apart of that.
Victim mentality and feeling sorry for myself has been getting obliterated.
Finally, many dots were connected between behaviours I was and am doing and where they came from (increased awareness)
Cycle 1 complete and realise how massive the growth has been, mostly internal for now.
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Ran a 3 min loop of DR, an old custom and NR. Having mad recon as the custom is 3 cores. Gonna leave it for a week before running anything else. Think I should delete all subs I own from my laptop so it’s harder to run anything other than my stack and block the store website so I don’t buy anything else.
Part of me wants to blame and get angry at SubClub as to why my life hasn’t significantly changed but I know it’s my actions and decisions are the culprit.
I’m in two minds about whether to run DR for 1 more cycle or finish the year highly productive externally. I wish i felt like things work for me.
Really I need DR to tackle this obvious deep rooted sadness of ‘nothing’ before moving on to anything else.
Gonna take a 2-week break from subs and the forum. I need to separate myself and detach. I keep jumping into things, this is probably DR working. They aren’t toys even though they can be fun and I have to re-think my ‘relationship’ so to speak with them. Also, it’s always good to have a break, life was still a thing before discovering them. Feel positive about this decision actually.
@RVconsultant Hey friend, could you please change this journal name to Melody: As Life Unfolds…
thanks in advance 
Decided to carry on with DR for at least another cycle and run my v1 custom alongside it to burn away blocks for when i use it all next year.
Been having crazily vivid dreams recently. They’ve been giving great insights into what’s been getting resolved. One was so mind blowing and intense. I was sat in my family living room with everyone sat and I was telling them literally everything I wish I could say in person without consequences. Expressing all these emotions, was pretty intense and so realistic. Definitely dream traveler working with DR. (Either that or I had a memory blip and it was real haha)
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