Melior's New Dawn

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Here I am starting Khan st1 tonight
It’s gonna be lit it’s gonna be fire

I’ll dare to say I experienced presult yesterday without having planned to play it tonight

Had a big panic attack Wich I didn’t experienced in months and went throught it like a boss
During that time I understood why I had such attacks before and why it came back

Attachment and in a sense a weird expression of control over stuff I can’t Wich end up feeding the negative loophole of anxiety

Gotta say the 6r in Twim meditation practice helps a lot

Also I had a sexual dream in a certain manner, it felt like some sort of unleashing without much care or weird thoughts about it, just actions

Going to be a wild ride
A welcomed one

My goals with Khan are :

Being more carefree but in a more adult way rather than the ‘’ wanted way’’ Wich is less mature to me

Rise into society through cheer f*ing will

Gain unprecedent level of confidence

Developing masculine qualities and putting an emphasis on doing stuff rather than think about it

Change the way I interact with women and people in general
I used to confort myself into the thinking that since I always had some success with them (girl) not doing anything besides being me that I didn’t need to better my interaction with them, through this baby thinking I severely lack social skills outside of close relatives or people
It lead me to many desillusional wishful thinking :thought_balloon: and wasted potential

Now is time to enjoy people life and all there is
Enough of this sitback laid-back way of going about things

Time involve myself some more
Now not only close ones can observe who I am, time to shine bright like a diamond :watch::gem:

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#2

Update

Played a full loop before sleeping and oh god I understand why some people drop it lmao

Had a really unpleasant night, woke up after sleeping 4h but later slept some more

Khan already started to tackle something I knew it would, and something else I didn’t expect from childhood.

I didn’t ran away from the feelings gladly but I had to endure it for something like 2-3 hour after that it calmed down and later my half asleep ass started to want more of it AHAHAHAH nope

Not right now

I’ll see how it unfold on the rest of the week, but it might be a sub I play only during weekend days to not mess up my sleepschedule since I really needed to focus just on letting the cleansing to do it’s task and tone down as time went on

I have this weird feeling of I hatelove it
Also had plenty of libido and desire while also being scared and feeling super bad with the sensations that my chest and heart were being cleansed hardcore with fire

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#3

Rest day

Okay, a few things :

  • yesterday after going through some recon I just felt much more free than usual

  • also yesterday I usually thinks too much before doing stuff or just trying things, I did not think or not more than 1 sec
    And didn’t felt the weird guilt I used to had for being upfront or putting myself first about stuff so that’s really cool

  • Today, as much as it sounds simple it means so much to me, I just greeted people of the opposite sex even if they’re beautiful (lmao) , annnnd I didn’t think, I didn’t felt that tension I ALWAYS felt, it was just natural, as of before I’d have to fake it and it would start some useless thoughts loops

  • Also people seems to start conversations with me more easily

All of this in one loop and it does feel solid
Wow just for that it would’ve been worth it :sunglasses:

  • extra point : I forgot to mention on how much my almost asexual ass can now consider more sex so much more easily, still an area improving but still
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#4

Khan st1

Only sub I feel stressed before pushing the play button :joy:

Played a loop following normal schedule instead of waiting

Had an OK night surprisingly and as incredible as it sounds in the morning I felt normal… YES NORMAL
Bruh I haven’t felt like this in months…

I was weirded out observating how much I felt normal, it was that much unforeseen for me

Later that day I started to have some anxiety rising from reading something that triggered me.
I handled it like last time, it ended up being less intense and felt less long.

So to resume :

  • Khan seems to really work well on a lot of my overthinking pattern’s Wich seems to be destroyed one by one

  • I’m feeling stronger and more grounded when the hard part of the script kicks in

  • my baseline has gone from feeling like I’m in apocalypse to it’s okay most of the time

  • Even have been able to feel some slight excitement and positiveness rather than forcing it upon myself (Wich like mentioned hasn’t happened in months and months)

Khan does feel like (I think I might have read it somewhere too) the type of medecin that breaks your legs but weirdly you feel better afterward?

Will definitely make you go through your worst states, no joke

So much that pressing the play button is quite a challenge in itself, since my body and mind remembers that it will start a shit show at some point, even if it’s for the best

Still hesitating for tonight lmao, I’ll see, no stress

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#5

Had to be to my max ability the last few days so I only played my third loop after something like 2-3 rest days

I have to say it has become even easier to handle it, it halved in intensity
Recon seems to also happen to others like I’m becoming witness to my TB energy circulating around, someone dropping phones on the highway, other people falling down, weird stuff/goop falling from tree on me, frustrating situations, a few big test directed toward me, etc…

Once again I feel even more normal
Or so I thought!!!

I know care about how other perceive so much less than before I didn’t even notice, for the first time in my life I’ve been able to mention it upright about something that felt wrong to me instead of letting it pass

Not only I didn’t felt anything close to previous sort of blockages at the taught of acting upon the problem I faced, but I just had this BIG impulse that is usually beaten by the blockage and end up being swiped into more blockage

  • Interactions with strangers and just people in general feeling smooth af (mainly men ATM) , not even questioning if it’s okay (it’s okay, always was, just weird halo effect making it harder in the past)

  • opening myself more easily and ‘playing’ along with people as a result

  • Standing for myself even more than before

  • TB making me take the same wrong bus 2 times not even questioning it at first lmao (correcting the shot early enough tho, and in calm)
    So much confidence Wich start surfacing oulalaaa

  • Getting some hints of attractions?

Still quite hard at times, but my inner voice has switched a lot, and helps me go through hard stuff more and more easily

Purged a lot of negativity in just those 3 loops

TB being TB love it
Feels like really efficient healing

2 Likes
#6

Just for the anecdote

The day before yesterday had to close windows, had a spider fall upon me torso lmao
And later when earing some sound closed the other one, a whole DAMN BAT FELL on me head comrade then on the ground
And then another day A BIRD or bigger bat entered the house almost knock itself out and exited

Animals processing khan st1, must be so :joy:

Also still manifesting unoptimised situations testing my patience, silly st1 forgetting that I’ve practiced patience oh to well

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#7

Also I’m manifesting a lot of pizza opportunities
I’m becoming a master at this

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#8

Okay
So I think st1 did it’s thing for the time being

It seems to look after something there is not or that is too close to my core for being removed in st1 ways, some walls don’t need to be broken down fully, I’ve got important stuff on the floor above lmao

So I feel much lighter and more relaxed, ready to upload the program of alphaness into me head
Especially considering how much st1 seems to make me so much more confident already anyway

Recon has dramatically decreased whenever I listen to a full loop since I used st1

So just before going to st2
Playing some Lbfh because I feel that I first want to have a strong foundation of self-love and patience

Also Lbfh makes me super relaxed at first but now I feel a bit depressed, haven’t happened in a while, but it’s better than feeling bad like I used to
Hope the feel good won’t take too long to come back

Don’t know when I’ll switch to st2
Stay connected

2 Likes
#9

When joy will come back? I asked

Well today

I think I really got back some kind of superflow factor since khan st1, probably a lot of blockage got cleaned out

The day started badly but okay, it got worse, had to come to conclusion it wouldn’t get better since half the day was gone already

Sat down, saw that there was nobody around and little cars, put headphones on, humpf my way to my music list, pushed LBFH play button without much conviction.

30 sec… 1min…1min30…
Ring rinnnng rinnng ring
…
Accidentally pushed ‘’ not aswering’’
… Meh…
Ring ring riinnnng
’ ‘Gatcha!’ ’
Long story short problem solved itself without any intervention from me
Had just enough time to end the loop
Waited a bit and the rest of the day went really really well

nobody? Accidentally find a place with spectacle and a lot of stands
ate out
enjoyed music, vibed well with it to the point of dancing and not caring
had the urge to do weird but funny stuff (at least to myself Wich is enough of a public)
Etc etc

In a few mins my day went absolute 180
I even felt that little flame that makes you feel alive in your heart

Thank you LBFH
And thank you creators of that sweet baby

But now I’m not even sure I wanna play the rest of khan lmaooo

I probably will anyway but that’s how I feel RN

2 Likes
#10

Thanks to Lbfh and self insights, I’m coming to a term with the fact that against what I previously thought

I did not love myself, and still am not
What I thought was some kind of love is more tolerance

Wich is far far far from love but still better than hate

Since I didn’t felt hate and never really wished to be someone else I assumed I loved who I was

I’m just observing how hard it is to feel love for myself

Have a few other things to mention but it’s hard to paraphrase so Imma leave it to that

2 Likes
#11

I feel more love toward myself since I observed I lacked in that department

I keep doing st1 works and destroying walls but more gently, noticing that I’m getting forward at silencing anxiety into calmness, less and less overreacting to bare thoughts and just letting them be thoughts rather than grappling with them and ending up feeling like they’re reality

I see it now…
I’ve created my own prison thought patern
I no longer need to make everything go through that pattern, and it’ll die by itself, slowly

I think I’ll play another 2-3 loop of Lbfh before st2
Knowing that I’ve still played only 2 loop of Lbfh, I’m letting it bloom slowly but surely

Also felt like sharing this, just good vibes :

3 Likes
#12

Letting go…

Letting go…

Relax… There is nothing to force upon

Peace is just there…
… waiting for you

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#13

Started to feel bad and like negative stuff surfacing, got the upperhand, saw that it kept coming back, sat down in the bus, told myself let’s not care too much about when I’m playing it, launched dear LBFH

And oh God… Not only did I started to feel normal during the listening, but I felt super good and anchored after the loop

I know I’m saying that type of stuff often recently in my journals

But once again for the first time in maybe years, I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt this good honestly

LBFH
I observed live how I felt more accepting of myself, I felt like I was accepting my flaws and Incongruence on the spot, relieving so much tension and pressure

I knew that somehow I was beating myself up unconsciously for feeling sexual desire even tho there is nothing wrong with it, Wich is probably the reason nb1 why my libido is pretty inconsistent

I felt resistance melting
Allowing feelings to flow freely… and I went through a state of wholesomeness…
And lightness, that yes I haven’t felt in months or years I don’t even know

Ahhhh Lbfh
Your healing and self love is the best
You know what F U st1! :rofl:

I know tomorrow might not be as good but now I definitely know that coming days will be just better enough to carry me to even greater height and greater baseline in due time

No set day to play the loop
Just when It’ll be needed

2 Likes
#14

A few other things I forgot to mention :
Not exhaustive

  • had a smile stuck on my face

  • could feel deep congruence

  • I don’t feel like procrastinating at all, actions just feel resistance-less wich wasn’t my old ways

  • I just am more interacting from a place of peace

  • people definitely can feel it :arrow_up:

  • makes me more hopefull

  • Deep feelings of anchoring and appreciating the now and just enjoying myself with little

  • inner dialog way more relaxed and accepting

  • Feel like gifting stuff, am doing it

  • relationship with money is not as stressful as it used to be

And whatnot

2 Likes
#15

Lbfh

Makes me aware of things I underastimated

I want more friendships, I had a few but now we’re afar from each other, I need to find new brothers to forge friendships made of steel

Makes me dream of aventure were we’d carry each other’s to greater heights against all odds

Feelings I’ve felt only as a little child role-playing adventurers, but this time for real

As a note it is in my plan at some point in my life to go into an expedition somewhere

It’s a deep chord in my soul that will need to be played one day

In the meantime, considering more and more subs like inner circle or alike
Really wanna find more deep friendships as time goes on

Also here is my current experience with zp in general in terms of emotions stability

0-24h after the loop : very sensible to inputs of any kind, have to be cautious about what I’m seeing reading listening because my emotions gets affected a lot, but it’s also the period with most subs effect firing

24-72h : The settling down, middly suggestible to external sources, feeling more stable emotionally, subs effect settles and are still lingering

72h + : The return, emotions are fairly stable, feeling grounded, subs effect are less present/felt since they’re more integrated, then the baseline has gone up
I can observe the change that has happened and to Wich extend it has changed who I am or how I act

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#16

The more time pass
Albeit minutes, hours

I have… To… Socialise…
Need to… Make friends
Daredevil… Looks nice too…
Or… True social ?..

My whole yearly plan is being SHOOK HARD by LBFH
Even customs I had in mind
Except one :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

I think I remember now why all those desire are surfacing up…
A very long time ago when I was A little child
In fact I was fairly social and upfront even about my feelings… A lot stopped after being threatened of being beaten up and a lot of bullying for my hair color plus at that time my all time best friend choosing to let me rot on the side ignoring me

Yeah…
Probably that…
Wish I discovered those subs sooner… And took that way too

Hhhhhmph
Can’t change the past!

I’m glad I have it now!

Khan after or before learning to Socialise?
That is the question I’m facing

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

2 Likes
#17

You’re strong! You got this!

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#18

Played a mini loop of 3min yesterday
To help me steer out of a bad thought patern

Worked but slooooowly instead of this sort of magic push with 15 min, but I decided since I only had one rest day to reduce the mins

In the meantime I found an Exercice to help reduce on the long term anxiety and possibilities of big attack, it’s called something like : The worst

Basically it’s making you not wait for the thoughts to surface and Controlling you, it’s you bringing them and visualizing the worst if it the thoughts would happen to be real with a few other point along
It’s about giving them controlled space to lessen their power over time

I got to say that only a few loop of Khan st1 and especially LBFH have put me in such a good state I would’ve never hopped for anyway, but gotta Exercice some to help the conscious side too

I did it for just a few minutes and I think I can sense my thoughts and feeling being just slightly less oriented toward the old pattern Wich lead to them overpowering me

Tonight I dreamt of someone who basically did not ruined my life completely but without that person I would have lived a far better life and my family would’ve been far more better too

For the first time in a dream with that person I felt a push coming from my whole person to just say and did say! ‘’ U know What F U’’ and some middle finger action :joy:

I’ m an overly patient person and in a family set up I was the pleaser(if I don’t pay attention I end up playing the savior/martyr role, Wich is dumb), so no one ever saw me rage or in anger except at one or two point of too much

This dream made me feel so relieved…
I know know that I’ll have the strength to express it to that person exactly like that if I get an opportunity, now I can feel it deep in my gut that I’ll do it, letting flow the frustration and anger due and well merited without waiting until I’m having a breakdown of anger

Also this morning I’ve been able to truly look from where I was just like a month ago and a bit after 3 months, then 9 months

Made me proud
I can feel appreciation for my strength and how far I’ve come
Night and day

It also helps me be patient, knowing that it is a fact, it’ll only get better, wich makes me feel grateful, Wich start a self sustaining cycle of virtue

And now I feel even greater
I can feel my chest getting filled with some warmth

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#19

You know

I don’t mention often how I feel during my rest time
So why not this time
I’m inviting you in my daily life in-between loops, enjoy!

Days like yesterday and today
I don’t especially feel good

I haven’t experienced highs like when playing the first two loops

I’d say I feel meh!

But you know what
It’s okay, I embrace the suck
Because I’ve got really good reasons to

When I used to feel bad
I was ungrounded, confused as hell, tired a f, stuff I rode or could hear could trigger me into heavy anxiety and or panic attack, etc etc
Reallyyyyy really not fun

But now, in days we’re I don’t feel so good like yesterday and today

I feel… Grounded, I feel some kind of peace, stuff I read or hear, doesn’t start a mental shit show anymore
And at a few occasions, I feel the peace I used to be that I wasn’t aware existed

I wasn’t even aware at how much peace I had until I lost it all

And now I can appreciate those moments
I can embrace the suck there is

He’ s there…
Saying to me
‘’ Do you see it now? ‘’

‘’ yes I do’’

And how amazing it is to see myself become once again stand on my two feet, constructing back my life, slowly but surely

How grateful I am to see it now, and know, that with my efforts and patience, it’ s all coming into place slowly

2 Likes
#20

Man…
I swear it’ looks like nothing but it means so much to me

I’ve been able to feel confortable in my bed
Once again I don’t remember last time the bedsheets have felt as good and resting as this time

Gotta start Khan st2 anytime from now

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