My mind is definitely processing a lot.
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I have been frustratedly misaligned in my career.
I just happen to be a very particular sort of person.
I never quite found a way to align my work with my natural, systemic orientation.
I tried.
But I was unable to integrate and align things beyond a certain point.
Eventually, the desire for relational and familial stability and security settled and arrested the process and I compromised and made do with a job/career that allowed me stability and about 20 to 30% of what my nature truly needs.
I have never been at peace with this. The inner unrest was sometimes suppressed more and sometimes suppressed less, but it has been a throughline. Always making me somewhat at odds with the realities of my work.
I can sense that the subliminals are energizing and urging a further push for resolution in this area.
That’s showing up, in the moment, as a period of frustrated reflection with a sense of heightened, intensified urgency.
The Alchemist, Emperor, Spiritual Reality Alignment.
It’s time to fucking make a move.
But I’m still going to do it deliberately.
That’s just the way I am.
Okay, meditation time.
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Healing subliminals are the Inhale
Performance subliminals are the Exhale
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Now that I’m sensitized to what to look for I can see that my libido is increasing.
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Today was another subliminal day (Tuesdays and Saturdays).
Didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. I guess about 4 hours. But I decided to go ahead anyway and meditate with my subliminals at 8:30 AM.
Did that. It felt fast and comfortable, as it often does these days. That was interesting. Not deep-feeling, but smooth and comfortable.
When it was done, I called up my sis and talked to her about various and sundry for the better part of an hour. Had a meeting scheduled for 11 AM. Gave myself enough time for a quick shower and then jumped into the meeting.
In the meeting, we seemed to connect well. We’ve met about 5 or 6 times now. It appears to me that we’re figuring out a harmonious flow.
Later in the afternoon, at around 3 or so, I slept for 1.5-2 hours. I think there was dream activity.
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Phenomenologically, I’m feeling a kind of lost, confused, transitional sensation.
I’ve occupied similar spaces before and, to some extent, I welcome it and the ontological shift that it may herald.
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the only one who can defeat me is me
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Woke up from a dream not of winning but of fighting back.
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weird. evening meditation today. was exhausted in the morning.
as I sat down this came to me:
Stop assuming that your default perceptual orientation is somehow conveniently, automatically Reality; objective, accurate, (mundane) Reality.
It’s not.
How could it be? When you’re almost always ignoring practically everything in existence?
Reality requires effort.
What you’re perceiving is mundane alright. And that’s primarily because you’re the one generating it. There’s your so-called “Simulation”. And you’re authoring it.
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We’ll see where this journey takes me;
and where I take this journey.
Definitely feels like things are going on.
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Today is Tuesday so it was another play day.
and…
I am really struck by how smooth and pleasurable the actual subliminal sessions are. It’s very striking.
At first I wondered if it was just a passing thing, but since August 12 when I started this latest phase of listening, I’ve had a total of 17 subliminal sessions. And in general, they’ve shared this quality.
I have taken the experimental approach of playing all three customs in the same session. I literally want the processing of all three programs to be closely associated together in my mind. I’m prepared that this may add a bit of time to the integration and execution process. That’s worth it for me.
But I am surprised by how comfortable the whole process feels.
I was reflecting on the fact that working through Dragon Reborn prior to doing this is probably another contributing factor to how well it seems to be working.
Anyway, so yes, I’m prepared to allow a longer period of time for my mind to really process and integrate all of the material in my customs.
On the other hand, it’s also true that about 50% of what is in my three customs is transferred from previous programs that I’ve been running for a significant amount of time. So, in spite of its being three Terminus2 customs, I think that there are some attenuating and easing factors as well.
Okay, so those are some late morning thoughts.
It’s also cool that so far the listening pattern that’s evolving is Saturday and Tuesday listening days.
It goes like this:
Listening phase: Sat, Tu, Sat, Tu, Sat, Tu.
Rest phase: Sat, Tu.
(repeat)
So this practically works out into a 28-day cycle. Listening for 18 days, and resting for 10.
I like the neatness of that.
13 of those basically equal a year (364 days).
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Think I’m going to re-learn my Chen style taijiquan set. Lao jia yi lu.
陳氏太極拳, 老架一路
I expect it will take me about 2-4 weeks to get it back.
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I’ve picked up and put this down so many times over the past 20 years.
Now I’m picking it up again. Each time I need to relearn it.
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Hmmm…But this time I’ll have Quantum Limitless on my side.
And Metamorphosis.
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Three Years
There’s a lot to focus on other than my subliminals.
I’ve done it.
It took me three years to get to this point where I could run these programs, but I’m at the point now.
The foundations were laid in the last three years.
It took me three years to get to this point where I could run these three Terminus2 customs.
But the foundations are laid, and the customs are in place, and now, rather than focusing on subliminals, it’s time to focus on my life.
(The above was from my audio journal. Seemed good to write it here.)
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Definite productivity fluctuations.
Watched a bunch of episodes of The Orville. Silly and also really enjoyed it.
Then it was like the gears kicked in again and mind is switching back to completing tasks. That’s a relief.
I feel that things are being processed internally.
I have a number of productivity modules currently integrating:
Productivity Unleashed, Carpe Diem Ascended, Victory’s Call, Machine: Action, Machine: Rest, Organization Perfected (and also, honorable mention: Unrelenting Wealth Motivation and Energy).
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Well, it looks like Productivity changes are the metric that I’m watching these days.
Seems to be a pretty good indicator of how I’m processing the modules and of what’s happening.
So, I’m getting off to a dragging start today.
Doing more thinking about tasks than actual working on tasks.
Beneath the surface though, I’m feeling a growing impulse to get things done.
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A workout is a program for your muscles, nervous system, and overall body; telling them what you want built next.
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More manifestations quietly pulling up:
Emperor, Organization Perfected
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Up to last week, I found myself dealing with insomnia. Sometimes it was exacerbated by my own choices. For example, I’m highly reactive to even very small amounts of caffeine, but I chose to drink green tea or kombucha. Then when evening came, I found that my relaxation and letting go would not go below a certain point. I was not very stimulated or keyed-up, but it was more just that the internal ‘water level’ would only drop to a certain point and no farther. So, I’d just feel normal and end up staying awake until 3 or even 4 am. It was cyclical, some days, I’d be physically tired enough to overcome that mental awakeness.
This began to shift last week, I think. And this week too. I started to have evenings where my mental relaxation continued to increase and to blend naturally into sleep. Then my body might naturally wake up fairly early.
Last night was one of those nights. When bedtime came, it was fairly smooth and effortless to mentally relax and let go. I awakened at about 4:30 am. After visiting the bathroom, I chose to do an early morning meditation, from 4:44 to 5:45.
I found, during today’s meditation, that there was processing that seemed related to Pride Unbroken and Dragon Reborn. It has been about 3 months since I stopped playing those.
My memory was brought back to childhood and to my personality, my behaviors, and to the ways that people had treated me and had perceived me. Throughout life, the way that others treat us feels like such a big deal, due to the way it impacts consciousness (and due to our lack of perspective on consciousness).
I sense that there are patterns in place within me that are being worked through. Related to fear. Related to interpersonal perceptions. I won’t claim to understand them fully. What’s the point of that?
Today is Day 2 of my monthly 10-day processing period. So, the idea, if all proceeds as expected, is that I’ll begin my next exposure phase on 29 October 2022.
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