Adding scripting that helps integrating the mind with the (emotional) body.
I am capable of profound emotional depth, but my default state is one of extreme hypervigilance and detached analysis—not necessarily due to “social anxiety,” but rather because of an intellectual need for absolute, existential certainty before I can act.
I naturally experience myself from a kind of third-person perspective. The ego POV used to require a great deal of focus and energy for me to even enter, let alone sustain, because being and feeling were experienced as requiring me to let go of the role of the observer. Doing so, in turn, would mean abandoning the operational mode of gathering and analyzing the data that would determine the legitimacy and safety of my own experience.
I can have all the evidence for loving someone, or vice versa, and I still struggle massively with trusting it, unable to even communicate this struggle—a sort of existential analysis paralysis that has prevented me from acting throughout my entire life, destroying more than just potentially amazing relationships. I have been more caught up in modeling myself, the other person, the dynamic, and the environments it interacts with than in simply engaging from an embodied place and trusting what I feel and know.
And for the most part I did not even realize that dissociation was my default state, that my mind and consciousness have been constantly operating outside of my own body as this has been the default state for so long.
I can receive the most blatant IOIs, I can have a woman confess her love for me, and I will not trust it—not necessarily due to not trusting her, but due to me not trusting that I have access to enough data that will allow me to synthesize a model that would warrant intellectual certainty to the degree that allows me to express my love and affection without fearing being wrong about it.
In combination with the emotional depth that I have, and the degree to which women can become emotionally attached to me as well, I am terrified of being inaccurate in my assessment of this, as I do not want to express affection to someone unless I know that I truly mean it, on an existential level.
I have experienced profound emotional intimacy/merging/becoming one with more than one woman, but I would struggle to trust it afterwards, questioning, “Was this even real, or a false model?” And when in doubt (always), I would rather detach completely to avoid unnecessary hurt…which in itself often led to exactly that.
In the past, I used to think that I was simply love-bombing when I expressed myself emotionally and then detached, that I never loved them. Today, I am starting to understand that there was a split between my emotional, embodied self—which is highly sensitive and idealistic—and an extremely scientific psyche/consciousness that looked at both itself and existence as a detached observer.
The depth at which I want to share myself emotionally with a woman is extremely difficult to match. I have met only a handful of men throughout my life who are even capable of it, while the threshold for me to trust the legitimacy of that level of connection is essentially impossible to reach. It takes a woman who is already emotionally open to a similar degree for me to even consider forming any sort of emotional attachment anymore.
That is what Heartsong is about for me: not a fantasy, labels for soulmate or ideals, but two people who are able and willing to experience the embodiment of this level of emotional depth, trust, and freedom within their relationship.
Heaven on Earth
I am not willing to settle for anything less anymore.
@SaintSovereign
