This one is gonna be very personal. A DOOZY one might even say. Extremely long too, writing in hindsight.
Delayed this message for a while and not sure as to why, and this message applies to both khan st1 and khan black st1, but I’ll write it here only.
I have recently understood about myself, that I have a very strong fear deep down in me, of taking.
Now what do I mean by this? Well, I love giving, I enjoy it very much and I do not need a reason to give someone I love something, I also do not need anything back.
Giving can be many things: advice general help, attention, sexual acts, gifts… It can come in many forms, and I never have trouble with them, I even enjoy them.
I loathe taking. I am a man who is fairly independant, and even though I have yet to exit my parents’ house, I loathe getting any type of help from them, if it’s for my benefit.
I am afraid to ask for help, I want to rely only on myself, I wish I could do it all.
I am afraid of taking sexual acts from women, even when deep down inside, I know that there are plenty of women that want to give, or be taken. This one specifically I attribute to two things:
1- being exposed to radical feminism through school teachers, being shamed for my sexuality along with intense fear mongering men sexuality in general
2- being overly sheltered by my mother, being fed lies by her about having to be nice, never take without asking, never cuss etc. which in the end, only made me fear expression, fear other kids that were highly expressive, shun myself from those individuals and end up friendless althroughout my childhood etc.
The only time I am okay with taking is when I convince myself I “earned it”, and that is most likely due to my upbringing.
I was a rather quiet kid, my parents thought I was a mute until about age 6, family flew to the U.S and suddenly I spoke english extremely well.
I know I was not a problematic kid, and yet I was treated as one, as a nuisance, as the black sheep of the family (3 kids, me being in the middle, very typical), I could easily tell that my parents’ attitude and affection towards me would change and only be positive when I got good grades in school or studied. I could see them doing the same to my brothers.
I suffered a lot of child abuse throughout the years by my parents, one instance even being sexual at the age of 3-4, a core memory that ruined me deep down, and even though it was not what might come to mind, and it had medical reasons for it, the damage was done.
I’ve also been beat my by big brother which never got punished, annoyed by my little brother endlessly which never got taken away.
I remember three core memories: I remember that my younger brother would bug me endlessly, I always asked my parents to take him and they wouldn’t, he annoyed me to the point I would cry, and only then did they tell me that next time it happens I’ll tell them and they’ll take him away.
Next time came, nothing’s changed, I told them a few times and they ended up yelling at me for annoying them.
I remember another time where I punched my little brother and my parents immediately yelled at me and punished me, something that never happened when my big brother did it to me, ever.
I remember calling him a slur once and facing the same treatment.
It really felt like I was cornered from all sides.
Throughout the years I would try to converse with them and being open and vulnerable but it would only end up in pain, in true narcissistic fashion they would turn all the blame onto me, the little kid that knew no better.
I was the one who rebelled at age 13 onward, I had to yell back at my father when he abused my grandmother, I was the one to put him in his place and defended the ones that unlike me were weak and could not handle the abuse, and I was the one to put the middle finger up to their behavior.
I told them I hated them to their face, told them that once I leave I’m never coming back, made my mom cry and it felt so good, this is for sure where my extreme emotional sadism comes from.
Obviously I was a complete wreck at school, I remember my life back then like a feral beast being cornered with fight or flight mode constantly choosing fight.
Later on in life I still had a lot of issues, and I still feel like an alien to this day, but I atleast got control over myself, and it just might be too much control as over compensation, it is hard for me to let go and enjoy like the average human.
My experiences shaped me to be a very intense person that more often than not needs that intensity to feel that something is real. I have extremely hard times bonding with people that can kickback and move on with life, it feels like they never had something truly traumatic, it feels like they like in a whole nother planet.
Due to my intensity and my lack of normality, whenever I did try taking, I either felt extremely uncomfortable in a traumatic way or hurt someone, and I, due to my experiences want to do my absolute best to not hurt people, even when deep down I am very much filled with hatred and have to mask myself basically 99% of the time when outside.
I really lost the point I was initially trying to make, but I guess acknowledging all of this for now is enough, I am a real wreck of a person, man.
I guess the saying “The world is yours for the taking” is the best way to look at it, I know my potential, but my parents ripped out my wings and forced their fear of failure at every turn. The world is mine for the taking but every part of it terrifies me.
I am looking at apartments to move to with a friend, once I move out of my parents’ house it’ll be time for stage 2 of the khans.
