I began writing here, then my old trader emailed me, so I came off here and shared with him how I’m doing on Khan, today specifically.
I said Khan was changing me.
He replied "what are you changing to?
I replied in a single word: “Batman”.
Below is what I sent after that.
Beginning of email
just joking.
I wrote that since I’ve been on St.2, starting my 2nd week Monday.
But, I changed something starting St.2, adding Art of Happiness. AOH really grabbed onto my thinking, so I barely felt Khan.
I decided to skip AOH this morning and journaled it. I knew Khan wasn’t activating like it had while doing St.1 (I only started AOH on St.2)
What I’m experiencing now FEELS like Khan. Tough. Serious. Focused. Determined. Unneedy.
I actually came home and (hoped to) forget this constant pressure to grow into a man.
However–seeing my thought process…
I’m wishing to ride this out…facing what I’m afraid of…
It’s digging in. I’ve gotten little flashes of “I CAN DO THIS!” St.2 is all about programming your mind to be the man you are, without all (my) copouts, weaseling outs, stuff like that.
I’ll be very specific what I’m feeling now. Before and after.
Before: constantly craving juvenile thinking and choices. Hiding, in varying ways, multiple times a day. Hoping noone saw it. I felt like shit, beating myself up constantly.
Today: Damn. I normally SEEK hideouts. I can’t fucking hide. Facing my shit, facing fear of rejection.
Not avoiding challenges I normally would. Facing myself by facing things–I face myself while facing fears.
And the most contradictory thing I’ll share now: Going through this shit, this growth…is making my life much, much easier.
It takes a lot of internal work to fuck things up regularly. Daily self-sabotage makes life hard.
And that’s why I’m doing Khan.
End of email