Mac's Khan experiences and thoughts

Journals - Major Programs
#13

New Year update: Switched back to EV4 fulltime from my KST4/EV4 stack.

Am contemplating doing a KST3/EV4 stack for more action-taking as KST3 push to action reminded me more of EV2/EV3 than EV4 does.

Think I might be experiencing more reconciliation and resistance running EV4. I’m not noticing as much of a ruthless “push” to get shit done that I felt with EV3. With EV3, it felt almost physically painful to not grind and get shit done. Like if I procrastinated, I would hate myself. When I grinded and got shit done on EV4, I felt this almost sadistic pleasure. Not so much for EV4, but I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing.

Not sure if I mentioned it above, but with EV4 the desire to quit my current job is peaking, and I’m formulating a plan to grind out a few more months and go into savings-mode one last time to gather up cash. This desire to quit my job and branch out into other things is more pronounced in EV4 than EV3.

My job is very physical, and there is risk of injury, and other hazards. I actually had an incident a couple days ago that could have potentially been deadly, among other weekly injuries I usually incur on the job. There’s a definite feeling of dissatisfaction, and I feel these incidents are the universe telling me to move on from this line of work. I’m gonna tough it out a few more months though.

I’ve been brainstorming different ways to make money that align with my creative pursuits, including starting an IG page for art (I already have one, but I’m thinking about different niches, themes, and concepts that look cool/funny, etc, that people would find appealing and engage with). The end goal will be monetization, but right now it’s more important to create great content that resonates with me and gives me personal satisfaction.

Also, my new goal for 2020 is to quit consuming cannabis (2019 I quit drinking alcohol, so this is a natural next step). When I don’t have cannabis to fall back on, I tend to do much more exercise and maintain a better schedule overall, as I don’t succumb to being essentially couch-locked for days, moving on autopilot.

Finally, some thoughts on subliminal listening patterns. I’ve been reading posts here about subliminal tolerance, and I think it has some validity, as I seem to “feel effects” of a sub very rapidly when I switch subs or start a new sub.

One thing I could do a lot better is taking more action, so this morning I thought of implementing a reward system in which I’m not allowed to listen to a subliminal until I’ve taken a certain piece of action.

For example: If I don’t clean my room today, I’m not allowed to listen to Emperor. Or if I don’t go out tonight at least for one hour and talk to at least 3 people, I’m not allowed to listen to Khan. This will create a positive feedback loop.

I think another worthy goal might actually be to establish daily time limits for my subliminal usage. I’ve learned from experience that I’m prone to overuse of shit, whether that be drugs and alcohol, food, exercise, you name it, I always take it to an extreme. Subliminals are no different. By establishing ,say, a 4-hour limit on usage, I can then check off that box for the day and actually focus on action-taking and goals.

Anyways, that’s my ramblings for today .Happy New Year everyone!

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#14

@TarMac - this is an excellent idea. I will make use of this novel technique to balance listening to subliminals and taking action too

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#15

Thanks, I owe @TheBoxingScientist, @Simon, @Hermit, and others on the V4 impressions thread for their ideas that got me to think of it.

Hopefully, I can put this plan into action and stick with it. :stuck_out_tongue:

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#16

Interesting idea, but the problem with that is that the subliminals themselves arent rewarding for your… system, either challenging. When the subliminals make the mind create resistance it means it doesnt like it.

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#17

Well the thing is, I didn’t experience resistance the first week of running EV4 (6+ hours masked in daytime). In fact, I felt a craving for listening to more loops. It wasn’t until near the end of the first week that I started to feel bogged down and just overall shitty.

I just have a tendency in general to overdo things, in this case over-exposing myself to subs, and over-emphasizing their importance. So by using this reward system, I hope the end result to be to take more action.

It’s an experiment and I’m not claiming it will work for everyone (or anyone), but I suspect it might be useful for me.

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#18

Well, let us know how it works then!

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#19

Yes. Ev1/v2 didn’t like jobs either.

Ev3 was designed to allow the “grind out a few more months to gather up cash”.

Ev4 prefers to find/create alternate pathways, instead of supporting drudgery. :smile:

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#20

Note to self: don’t copy and paste a dream outta here, you’ll lose the entire post.

Here I go again.

I’m running through what seems like my city streets at night, maybe with my partner. We’re maybe going on what’s later revealed to be a race with checkpoints, but at this point I feel like we’re going to go place to place on some sort of sex rampage in risky locations---- oh! Now I remember…I got jipped on some weed earlier, but I didn’t have a good dealer to I took some overpriced weed and a pretzel from these young guys. When I asked the price I was infuriated at their obvious fucking over of me – Though the sky above is dark and there’s a sky we’re actually underground. I feel that we’re being chased by cops, but no one ever catches us. I feel extreme fear and goosebumps all over my body as I try to turn my legs over as quick as I can, but they only move in slow motion (I recognize this primal fear from a previous dream or two I had last week on EV4 which I knew was significant, but I could never remember). That being said, each stride takes me quite far, almost bicycle style. Very lucid-dream or astral projection vibes [unrelated: I gotta tell y’all about a crazy accidental projection I did, and meeting someone else who was astrally projecting at the same place years ago].

Anyways, we get to the checkpoint in a boiler-room. The short-haired female guard recognizes me from a previous encounter, and starts to ruffle me around (like she was straight INFURIATED), but says I can still go in (or maybe another manager lady does). I get to a room with desktop computers and talk with another guy who’s also scavenging. He seems friendly, but I forget what he told me…

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#21

I wrote (and subsequently rewrote because of my copy/paste mistake) the above post directly after I woke up from a dream. Hope I can continue to remember these.

I also had this random thought after the dream while I was still in a haze, a thought about God dealing turmoil upon a person, but after the turmoil, everything clicks and runs smoothly for him…idk… it felt significant while I thought it.

I will also say that the sex I’m having is pretty amazing running EV4. Let’s just say I have complete control (most I’ve really ever felt) and my current partner’s kinda in love with my dick (met and had sex with her on the one night I went out running ST2 before I went on my road-trip in September/October).

I’d say it’s at or above the level of enjoyment/control I felt while running S&S at the beginning of 2019.

I was raised in a pretty conservative household where sex was taboo and felt shame talking or thinking about it, due to the religious upbringing of my family. I think I’ve pinpointed this upbringing as the cause of a lot of my social awkwardness and anxiety talking to girls or people in general.

EV4 is clearing away a lot of general anxiety that’s holding me back, in particular to putting content on my social media art page (holding back due to my work not being “perfect”). It’s a pretty good feeling, I’m feeling pretty hopeful, and even having the urge to go out and socialize and enjoy just being a human being in the present, without fear holding me back. I acknowledge moods come and go, up and down, but let’s see if I can keep this momentum going.

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#22

Been getting some really deep sleep last couple of days, and a feeling of general exhaustion. This could be attributed to me not getting the best sleep this weekend as I wasn’t in my bed. Also maybe a lack of calories. Not gonna give EV4 credit for the sleep just yet, but I’ve been getting 11 hours or so the previous two nights.

I’ve also been playing masked track on my phone on low volume for the first couple hours that I sleep. This is new for me as I usually listen to ultrasonic while sleeping.

I’m not being super rigid in my daytime masked listening schedule for EV4, but I’ve been getting around 4 hours daily, with occasional loops of Khan ST4.

Some family affairs: I’ve been becoming more aware of my mother’s emotional manipulation and blackmail, and discussed this with my sister. The topic of intergenerational pain cycles/trauma came up. It’s good for me to be aware of. I feel like I’ve unlocked something deep in my psyche, brought to the forefront in my conscious mind. EV4 is doing some deep work here.

I’m also having feelings of regret, pursuing a career path that my family forced on to me, as opposed to finding my own path that suits my personality. I’m still grateful for the technical skills I’ve learned though, and mental grit it took to learn something that didn’t come easy to me.

As a metaphor, I feel like new pathways are opening up, and I’m revisiting old pathways with a new perspective. Choosing the right path is the difficult thing though, and I’m wary of being stick in neutral, or just the planning phase.

I’m also feeling some scarcity with regard to money…not necessarily good. But then again, it’s when I’m at Rock bottom that I seen to muster the courage necessary for true growth.

Procrastination seems to be taking hold of me…there are things I need to do (for example getting a second job, like a delivery gig or something that I can do at a moment’s notice, just to fill in the void. Better to be making money than sitting on my ass). But instead of filling out the online paperwork, I switch to daily upkeep tasks that are always in need of doing anyways and really are a procrastination mechanism (like cleaning my room or car). I can succumb to hoarding and regularly need to do purges.

In other news, I think I’m going to purchase Commander either today or tomorrow. This would be my first supercharger from SubClub. I see positive reviews rolling in already, so I look forward to it.

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#23

It’s now been about month on EV4, with some peppering of ST4 here and there. Last couple days have been a little rough. Got injured at work and ignored a phone call from a co-worker who was probably calling to complain bc I went home early. Then I spent an hour just mad at this imagined conversation that didn’t even happen. My core self is so damn sensitive, and I hate how the slightest things shift my mood for hours at a time. It’s not good, and a waste of time. (It’s a pro and a con because one compliment from someone will have me elated for hours at a time, whereas one bad interaction will make me feel like shit for hours). I need more conscious control of my emotions.

The good news is that at least I’m consciously realizing this.

This is some serious reconciliation going on I feel, but not quite the level of Khan ST2, which was the roughest sub I’ve run from Subliminal Club to date.

Funnily enough, I feel confident this emotional turmoil is akin to a fighter jet taking off from an aircraft carrier. In an aircraft carrier, a jet is hooked into a system of pulleys/springs below the surface, and put under tonnes of pressure in order to catapult it off the short runway.

I know that I need to start taking more action, but I just feel sooo damn exhausted. I get the feeling of “will this ever fucking end?”.

I’m a big believer in doing your best work when you’re the least motivated and most tired. I need to harness this mindset again.

Alao been running The Commander once or twice a day. I like it, my visualizations become easier/clearer with each use. Will update again soon enough.

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#24

Officially swapped out Khan ST4 for ST3. When I first ran ST3 a couple months back, I was out of town for work, and sleeping in my car in a low population city. Not exactly a conducive situation for meeting women. I instead used the push from ST3 to take major steps for my long-term career path, and finally making headway on a web development course.

Now that I’m back home, I wanna use ST3 to finish up that course and start meeting more women. I’m sorta seeing a girl right now, but I know there’s better out there. Nothing against her personally, but I’m looking for a better match as our goals/lifestyles aren’t exactly aligned. It’s fine for casual sex and hanging out, but I can tell she’s starting to like me.

Thinking of running a 3:1 or 4:1 ratio of ST3:EV4.

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#25

Yeah so when I ran KST3, I felt the effects instantaneously. Granted, I was in the middle of a run on my local college campus (after a few weeks of not working out at the pace/level that’s normal/ideal for me). However, I have been taking more action. Including finally waking up super early to go to the gym today.

This instantaneous effect might be short-lived effect of switching to a new sub (or this case an old one). I felt the same when I started EV4 a month ago.

I’ve concluded that my lethargy these weeks is not entirely due to my stack, but rather my diet (i.e. not enough calories). I realized I worked a non-stop 10 hour shift yesterday with nothing more than 2 cans of tuna and a banana. Of course I came home and gorged on food, but in weeks/days past I’ve come home too exhausted to get through an entire meal (or stopping after the first plate, when I need a second one to recoup my calories spent during a full workday).

My mom made me a financial offer recently that is almost too good to be true. I had a huge shakeup with the rest of my family, mainly my Mom due to an incident that happened over 2 years ago. I ended up broke as fuck without a car, and borderline homeless, barely getting by. I’m likely going to refuse her offer, as in the past money from family has come with strings attached, usually in the form of control over my life, a tool for manipulation. I think she’s sincere this time though, and it is nice to have that safety net in case shit hits the fan for me again. It won’t though, I won’t let it happen to me again.

Some thoughts that have entered my subconscious: “there really are so many opportunities for money out there”. Now that I’m pretty much 100% sober and can pass any drug test, there are a lot of doora open for me. I’m even thinking of re-entering the industry related to my college degree, with lessons learned and tools gained over the last few years.

There’s a definite air of optimism, but that’s mixed in with mood shifts where I am borderline depressed and lethargic to the point of not moving. I sometimes contemplate taking a few days break from subs, but my desire to push through the reconciliation phase and get to the other side is winning out for now. And it is reconciliation, I must remind myself. Writing this down helps.

On Commander: Been running it last few nights one or two loops (once or twice I even fell asleep because of my tiredness). I get what the script is doing, utilizing my conscious mind to feel what it would be like to conquer the parts of my psyche holding me back (The way she pronounces that word threw me off the first couple times, dang Brits lol) (no offense intended).

I know from interviews with highly successful people that visualization is key to accomplishing your goals, utilizing the emotional leverage if what it would feel like when you get to the finish line, in this case the finish line being conquering my own mind. The background track and music is fantastic by the way. I wish I had started using these superchargers earlier, I feel the emotional connection that I get from listening to the track rooted to the music is especially useful for an INFP like me, with a stubborn mind.

Okay, time for my second workout of the day.

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#27

I made a long post a couple days ago, but I deleted it because I didn’t want to jinx myself. But the gist of it is that I have a business idea. Not gonna give any details right now.

My listening schedule is still 5-6 hrs during the day, mostly EV4, with some ST3. I’m thinking about reducing hours though and taking more breaks in general (it will be tough for me to take whole days off, but 1-2 loops daily is something I can see myself doing).

It’s dawned on me that I’ve been listening to subs very consistently for a year straight now, so a couple hours a day with earplugs as a sensory deprivation might be in order.

I’ve set a date to move out and switch jobs, though I may have to push the date a couple months forward because of an unexpected curveball related to my roommates.

I think part of the difficulty running EV4 this past month was the lack of hardline goals. Emperor likes goals. Start hitting them and racking up momentum, promoting confidence and self-belief.

Oh, and I’ve been running Commander 1-3 times a day (at least at night - sometimes I miss mornings). I continue to get better at visualizing, and continue to fill in parts of the scene with each iteration, some aspects becoming more clear, and some images I play around with (including the viewpoints. It’s easier for me to visualize from birds-eye view than firat-person, as first-person brings me back to “reality”).

Dreams come and go, as far as remembering. But last night I had a pretty vivid one involving falling from an elevator. It wasn’t from the very top, maybe 4 floors. But it was something that was my fault that caused it to fall.

I then had to go before a row of judges/police officers to explain myself. I did so surprisingly easy, and the cop accepted my explanation, and said “yeah it’s cool it happens” – or something along thse elines.

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#28

Two things I’m noting:

  1. I’m almost certain there’s anti-porn scripting in EV4. I hardly watch porn anyways, but even me trying to voluntarily watch, I can’t bring myself to do it.

  2. Of this I’m less certain, but I think I’m noticing some time dilation (on the week-to-week level). Though this may be attributed to my being completely sober for one of the longest stretches of time in decades.

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Those who ran ascended mogul did it help with nofap?
#29
  1. I can not confirm - I am kind of watching porn as I feel horny all day long ) while v4 playing in ultrasonic over the day
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#30

My dreams have become crazy vivid. Forgot the first part of the dream, but remember forgetting to completely turn off my work-van when I stepped out of it, and it turned on and drove away by itself. I began to chase after it, panic ensuing. It turned 2 corners in, and I came across my boss. He was just sitting chilling, and I realized the van had an auto-pilot feature. All was well. I woke up shortly after.

Not sure what this dream means, but this is at least the second dream I’ve had where shit seems to be hitting the fan, only for it to turn out okay in the end.

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#31

I did my taxes yesterday. Last year I made the most money I ever have in my life (low bar admittedly :stuck_out_tongue:). Unfortunately this means a much smaller refund, but no complaints here. Could this be a coincidence that I also discovered SubClub at the beginning of last year? I think not …

This gives me a goal to eclipse that this year though. Doubling it seems unrealistic. 1.5x more so. But we’ll see…If you shoot for the stars, you’ll at least reach the moon.

Sobriety going well though. I was extremely tempted to smoke today, but I got through it. My mind made a million excuses (“once a month isn’t a big deal”, etc.)

But my goal of stabilizing my reality and sculpting it through willpower will reap greater rewards in the end. (It also gives me greater incentive to exercise, endorphins and all that).

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#32

Hey @TarMac. How’s it going? Any updates?

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#33

Ayyy sorry for the delay. Here’s an update. I wrote a whole-ass essay, but I ground it down, and here’s the juice:

I haven’t posted bc I felt bad for slipping into my old ways and not having decent progress (spoiler: in actuality major progress and breakthroughs occurred internally thanks to Emperor V4 – and some K3, K4, Commander, and weee sprinklings of S&S and Primal for shits n giggles), but I’m back to my new ways, up and onward, thanks to StarkQ (It’s why I woke up at fucking 2am and began organizing a bunch of shit and finally decided to fucking post this. Yeah sleep has been a bit sketchy, though maybe not all attributable to StarkQ).

Okay, February thru April 15, I slipped back into my bud-phase, but nothing bad happened, even by coasting I was making good money compared to previous years of my life. I had a shit-ton of business and art ideas, but coupled with an existential anxiety for not materializing the ideas into fruition, I felt an inner monologue of “yeah these ideas are awesome Tarmac, but how is this any different from your other “awesome ideas” if you don’t materialize them ???”. Not gonna lie, it felt fucking bad at times.

Synchronicity Detour: My brain is stubborn and occasionally is like: “Yeah it’s 11:11 bro, of course ur gonna see it bc u look at ur phone every 30 seconds you nincompoop!”. Then the universe be like: “oh ya? Well here’s a fucking out-of-whack coffee maker that went out with the power thats now in sync with a potato on the Television!! Hahaaaa” (okay more like in sync with a microwave whose remaining time was 11 seconds, but u get the idea. Every time I doubt, I get get proven wrong, honestly super fucking cool)

Here are some tangible improvements I made running EV4:

Been writing shit out a whole bunch (goals and ideas), and when I dont’ have a pen/paper, I make use of my phone recorder which conveniently makes a transcript for me. I make sure to go through these weekly to internalize them, almost passively.

I wrote out specific list of life goals (again, but a more refined list than my previous one running Khan). I don’t wanna self-identify so I’m not gonna share them this moment.

Non-tangible, internal: I became HYPER-aware of my emotional shortcomings, for example, the extreme emotional impacts events have on me. I’ve mentioned this before, but I re-run interactions in my mind over and over hours after they’ve passed. The positive ones keep me elated for hours, the negative ones keep me pissed off for hours. The good news: Either way, it’s a fucking motivator. My idealism, this deep, striving, inner part of my soul, YEARNS for greatness, and I can go to extreme lengths to prove someone wrong, or in the other direction, I can go to extreme lengths to surpass expectations for someone who gave me positive feedback for a job I did (“Oh you liked that work I did last time?Watch me do it better!”). Again guys, all internal, and may not even be my exact inner monologue at the time, but it’s the best way I can put it into words right now.

Another internal: Family grudges and events from the past that have been weighing on me. I finally broke it down, and it was surprisingly simple, stupidly simple: The need for approval. In fact, the previous paragraph detailing the lengths I go to for people I don’t even know. That’s need for approval too. Even deeper and simpler: Self-esteem and self-respect. I shouldn’t care what other people think, the only person whom I need to impress, the only person whose standards I need to meet are my own. Hell, even me avoiding posting here on this forum the last few months: Need for approval, external validation, hell even some shame for “not getting results”.

This may not seem like a big deal to come to these conclusions, and labeling these feelings. They’re still they’re, a part of me. But now that I know what it is, I’m more aware of it, and when I’m aware of it, now I can work with it. I can now catch myself when I’m feeling the feelings that I feel, and look at situations more objectively. Invaluable.

It wasn’t easy guys, downright painful at times. But I’m better for it.

That’s it for now. My next post will be about my StarkQ experiences.

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