July 22, 23, 24 – Washout days 5,6,7
July 25(1x loop)/26 (rest)
I’ll start with daily recaps. Key bullet points:
- Focus mode kicks in automatically and for longer
- I feel more energy for no reason. I’m getting more things done because I want to. Not just for work. Cleaning my room, solving bigger problems in my house, etc.
- Focus mode works regardless of sleep deprivation.
- Learning is becoming second nature.
- Facial features have changed a little bit – because I relax my jaw more now.
- New Trauma breakthrough
July 22 – Friday
I was very sleep deprived from going out Thursday night. I went into Friday to work yawning and talking a whole lot of nonsense from time to time. Being 15% more talkative than usual due to going out and working on social skills. I had a company event where I was part of 5-6 people who had to publicly speak in front of like 40-50 people. I was sleep deprived, tired, and lethargic from all the carb foods I ate through the day. Around 3PM, I went with the group to sit in the front of the large room and I prayed to not fall asleep. I prayed for the focus mode to kick in. At times I felt it. I felt my jaw loosen, my eyes relax, the energy return. There was a main CEO figure talking and I paid attention to everything he did. The way he talked, the way he managed other’s emotions in the audience, and the way he managed his emotions. I gazed around the room and focused on my breathing control. I don’t public speak much. I was tired but did not show it. The intensity of focus was there. I got up when it was my turn and spoke some good key points, kept it short and sweet. I also spoke hella loud, since I was at the club only 12 hours ago. I got home around 5pm and passed out in my bed for an hour before getting ready again.
Friday night, went to my favorite club. A friend was visiting. We get there early enough to not wait in any lines and get into the club. The night went well. I sung my song of mating.
July 23 - Saturday
Had my meeting with the data coach. Was still sleep deprived, but laid out a plan for after his support window closes. Asked some good questions, and updated him on progress and what I should work on.
I noticed myself getting into focus mode when I was cleaning my room, decluttering and handling the general daily chores.
After that, I took a nap, cleaned up my room, decluttered everything, and got ready to go out again. I had a green juice at a fancy bar with shots of vodka in it. Night went well. I sung my song and did my dance. Highlight was that I did not have much anxiety. We were well lubricated socially after the past two nights out. Had a great time with some girls twerking.
July 24 – Sunday
Low sleep. Dead tired. Focus mode kicks in after I had 2 coffees and some food and a nap. I put on some fresh clothes and hit up the nearest mall to purchase some new clothes. My entire wardrobe needs an upgrade. The last new article of clothing I had were my shoes and they too were in terrible condition. My shirts were frayed and one of my pants were falling apart by the seams.
At the mall, I was walking in a daze, absorbing the world around me. My jaw has become more relaxed. Which in turn seems to have changed my facial expression to some extent. Even now when I type this, I am going for making sure everything is correct the first time and in a space of complete relaxation or as much as I can be relaxed. I get some good fitting clothing and my friend helps me with some clothing recommendations for next Sunday’s shopping. I allotted a budget of $500 towards new articles of clothing.
I get home and…my friend texts me. I’m sitting in a catatonic state on my couch, extremely tired. We end up checking out a very high end nightclub. It wasn’t the best night but at this point, but I was craving the challenge. Being in a state of fatigue and pushing myself was its own reward. I was curious what I was capable of and I still managed to have some fun. It was a new experience.
I get home at 3am, sleep, wake up again at 6:45, get ready for work and show up 15 minutes early. Like a boss.
July 25 – Monday
I am at my worst state. The first two hours of work was managing client emotions with their problems. I was dead tired, highly sleep deprived, body was sore, junk food all weekend. I am at peak fatigue. In the morning, I took a couple of adaptogen herbs to help with the fatigue.
And then focus mode kicks in.
I just do. I do the thing in front of me and I handle the problem. I execute on the task in front of me and continue to the next one immediately after it. I handle the challenge and crave for more.
Lunchtime comes around. I get two slices of pizza and was so lethargic at this point I didn’t even notice one of the guys in the store as the guy I always say hi to. I apologized profusely for ignoring him.
The pizzas kicked in and got me even more sleepy once I got back to work.
Focus mode was coming and going intermittently at this point. I still get work done but no amount of green tea will solve 4 days of sleep deprivation. I would be working and then I would fall into a micronap. I would black out for a second or two and catch myself and get back to working. This started around 1 hour before the end of the day so it wasn’t all too bad.
The blood started pumping when I walked home and focus mode was still there for me.
I did my laundry. I went to the supermarket, grabbed some spinach and made a green juice. I chugged it as fast as possible. If I did not, I would be on Youtube as an excuse to waste more time. I rewarded myself with some air fried goodies.
I ran my first loop at 10:00pm at night and discovered a deeply rooted trauma. I found an emotion of extreme grief and sadness from a quite severe childhood beating. I looked at it like I would a movie on my phone. Duly noted. Time to move on.
About 10 minutes into the loop, I passed out in my couch. Woke up at 12am and went to my bed….the feeling I cannot describe it……like a cold embrace into the darkness of sleep.
July 26, 2022 – rest day
I wake up in a stupor. The green juice was detoxing my body. I chug 500ml of water. Normally, on a day like today, when I am finally comfortable, I sit down and tell myself that: 1) I cannot do it, 2) My life sucks etc. However, I felt like I was watching these behaviors in a detached manner. I am not that person. It was like looking at the thoughts bubble up on your cellphone screen. Duly noted. Time to move on and execute on the next thing.
I focus on what I can control. I take my shower, declutter. I make sure my tie is perfect and my shirt is properly ironed. I call the uber and I get to work again 15 minutes early.
I am writing this out now. The rest helped with the energy level. I made and chugged another green smoothie. Post complete. Time to reward myself with some air fried goodies.
