Day 19.
Quick update:
Boom. Got the project done. Updated all platforms. Sent email to coach. Replied back to blog $ opportunity. All in 30 mins. NOW, I get ready for the job I want to quit 
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Day 21
Just ran 2 loops. Next 7 days will be washout. Will resume on Monday morning 7/25/2022.
I have felt so much better this week. The negative thoughts and feelings have subsided to a manageable level. Yesterday night at the club a girl offered me her delicious vape pen and I took a hit but barely felt anything. The relaxation effect from nicotine has subsided. I do feel the withdrawal today but it is very manageable.
Yesterday before hitting the club I took 2 shots of matcha, 200mg L-theanine, and a couple of other adaptogenic herbs. I was so tired from the Friday night. My friend and I were competing on talking to as many females as we could on Friday. So much fun. Yesterday I met a wonderful blonde aussie girl who radiated joy and love and trust. A total shock to my system. Most of the girls there are quite boring and care about relaxation in the moment. This girl was relaxed, passionate, ambitious. Totally brought hope to my world that confident females like her exist. Hella excited for next weekend.
I completed my project work ahead of schedule. My coach is closing his support window in 30 days. I have to get my shit even more together than initially thought. Every week feels like a constant iteration of the macro goals I’ve set for myself. Some weeks I am closer and some weeks I feel so far I want to quit. I can’t quit. I don’t have a choice but to press forward. The boats are burned. There is no turning back at this point. I am possessed by my goals.
My goal for this week is to get a high rank in the blogging platform tournament that the guy reached out to me from last week. I’ll have to make a datasci project that will intimidate me, and will require my best effort. I think I am ready. This is the washout week, and I’m going to put to the test everything I’ve meditated on.
I also bought frozen soybeans, and other vegetarian things that were frozen. Gonna attempt to control my diet as well.
Future Actions:
- Review values and goals
- Complete project with high focus on quality
- Sleep and eat properly
edit: Forgot to add. This morning, incredibly sexual dreams. Might be from the adaptogenic herbs or a side-effect from the quality of my interactions…or both. I do believe I am subconsciously manifesting the outcomes I want. Could be the scripting at work. We will see this washout week what changes I can notice.
edit 2 day 21 night: Currently dusting off the weights i never touched since last year. Cleaning my workout space, vaccuming. Listening to Audible title: “Embrace the Suck” - will work on values/goals/beliefs
Day 22 and 23 update (Washout Days 1 and 2).
Some interesting observations in the past 2 days.
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Monday evening, I got roughly 1 hours worth of work done in half an hour…the last half hour of work. I was in some deep relaxed meditative focus. The actions flowed one after another like clockwork. Sometimes I did things I did not know ahead of time. Like the next action was queued up. Usually, I would think things through but it was second nature taking over. I did not second guess my actions, nor did I double check any work. My thought process was: “Get the work done correctly the first time.” I submitted my final work/email at 6:03pm after starting it at 5:30pm. Usually that email will take me 1 hr which includes double checking everything.
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Today morning, my immediate manager gave me more responsibility. I caught something that he should have caught and most likely was a blind spot for him until i brought it up. Usually he is very on top of things. He probably would not have caught the issue because it took far more steps than were necessary and I went out of my way to bring the problem to him with a planned set of actions. He of course corrected the set of actions but I guess he was impressed enough to give me more things to do that were cognitively taxing for him.
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I was…SO FUCKING AWAKE today. at 12:00pm -1:00pm…I never felt so wide awake. I do have a bit of an addictive personality so I went ahead and ate a bar of Snickers to make myself feel even more better. I am totally so not used to feeling this awake and good in the afternoon like that…EVER. Literally I was surprised I felt this awake…considering that I hit the clubs on the weekend and sleep anywhere from 5-6 hrs a night when I can. Yesterday night I clocked out to sleep around 11pm and woke up at 4am and then again at 7am. No alarm clocks needed. Spooky…
edit 1: I am wondering if parts of my brain are coming alive that have not been used before. Maybe others can expand on this idea.
edit2: Just banged out 1.5 hrs of work. Did I notice the time go by? No. Not at all. The only thing stopping me is the urge to sleep and the dull pain I have in my right index finger from typing all day.
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Sounds like QLST3.
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Sort of what it felt like:
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Day 24 - Washout Day 3
Observations:
- This is the 2nd day in a row I have woken up with a raging boner and vivid dream. Looking forward to how I feel in the afternoon.
Day 25 - Washout Day 4
The past two days have been very interesting.
Day 24 - I had one of the hardest negotiations with a client today at work. We set a very high anchor and they set a very low anchor and for a while, we were at an impasse. Both parties were unwilling to give space. This is the crazy part. I was in focus mode. There were 4 people on the opposite side. I was with another coworker training. I paid attention to every word, every detail. It was probably for a whole hour. There was no stress. Only focus.
Once the negotiation concluded, we reached a solution that worked for both of us and the agreement was signed. When I got back to my chair, the focus mode wore off and I felt a throbbing headache on both sides of my head. I was massaging the sides of my head. It was like my brain was on overdrive for a whole hour. I was not stressed, but in control. After that negotiation, I was drained.
I got home, had some junk fried food and slept early.
Day 25 - This is the crazy part. I woke up realizing that I had to complete that data sci blog project before I left to go to work today. It was 6:30am. I got started at 7:00am and got typing at a frantic pace. I wrote out a beautiful blog and as I went to publish, the blog errored out and I lose 70% of my work. It was like 7:30-7:40am at this point. I would have gotten so frustrated and angry at this point but I just took a deep breath and redid the work and it did not save. I did this 5 times over the course of the next half hour and by the 4th time I had the entire post on a Word document just in case. Not taking any chances. Every obstacle that came my way that morning, I jumped over, back flipped, crouched under, slapped aside, and broke through. I stopped working around 8:11am. Project complete. I got ready for work, and got to work 10 minutes early. As I sat down, the tiredness hit me again. I was in that focus mode again and was coming out of it. I felt the tiredness throughout the day intermittently as I went in and out of focus mode. All my resources mental and physical were spent on the task in front of me.
I realized something today. I got more work done at work and at home than every before. I am on top of the high priority items at work even though on the outside, everything looks and feels like chaos. I saved a coworker from quitting his job this week by talking to him and hearing him out. I respected my time and other peoples time. I respected the deadlines and conditions that I set for myself for getting things done. I pushed myself farther and further than I ever did and this is without feeling stressed. Maybe I did feel a little overwhelmed today, but considering how far I was pushing myself, it was maybe a natural bodily response to the higher momentum of work output.
I think right now, the remedy is to increase the sleep times and incorporate a stretching routine before sleeping to induce a more intense relaxation effect.
Well, that will have to wait until Saturday night. A friend of mine is hitting the club tonight and I will join him. Brothers in arms in the battlefield of love.
I feel generally happier.
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July 22, 23, 24 – Washout days 5,6,7
July 25(1x loop)/26 (rest)
I’ll start with daily recaps. Key bullet points:
- Focus mode kicks in automatically and for longer
- I feel more energy for no reason. I’m getting more things done because I want to. Not just for work. Cleaning my room, solving bigger problems in my house, etc.
- Focus mode works regardless of sleep deprivation.
- Learning is becoming second nature.
- Facial features have changed a little bit – because I relax my jaw more now.
- New Trauma breakthrough
July 22 – Friday
I was very sleep deprived from going out Thursday night. I went into Friday to work yawning and talking a whole lot of nonsense from time to time. Being 15% more talkative than usual due to going out and working on social skills. I had a company event where I was part of 5-6 people who had to publicly speak in front of like 40-50 people. I was sleep deprived, tired, and lethargic from all the carb foods I ate through the day. Around 3PM, I went with the group to sit in the front of the large room and I prayed to not fall asleep. I prayed for the focus mode to kick in. At times I felt it. I felt my jaw loosen, my eyes relax, the energy return. There was a main CEO figure talking and I paid attention to everything he did. The way he talked, the way he managed other’s emotions in the audience, and the way he managed his emotions. I gazed around the room and focused on my breathing control. I don’t public speak much. I was tired but did not show it. The intensity of focus was there. I got up when it was my turn and spoke some good key points, kept it short and sweet. I also spoke hella loud, since I was at the club only 12 hours ago. I got home around 5pm and passed out in my bed for an hour before getting ready again.
Friday night, went to my favorite club. A friend was visiting. We get there early enough to not wait in any lines and get into the club. The night went well. I sung my song of mating.
July 23 - Saturday
Had my meeting with the data coach. Was still sleep deprived, but laid out a plan for after his support window closes. Asked some good questions, and updated him on progress and what I should work on.
I noticed myself getting into focus mode when I was cleaning my room, decluttering and handling the general daily chores.
After that, I took a nap, cleaned up my room, decluttered everything, and got ready to go out again. I had a green juice at a fancy bar with shots of vodka in it. Night went well. I sung my song and did my dance. Highlight was that I did not have much anxiety. We were well lubricated socially after the past two nights out. Had a great time with some girls twerking.
July 24 – Sunday
Low sleep. Dead tired. Focus mode kicks in after I had 2 coffees and some food and a nap. I put on some fresh clothes and hit up the nearest mall to purchase some new clothes. My entire wardrobe needs an upgrade. The last new article of clothing I had were my shoes and they too were in terrible condition. My shirts were frayed and one of my pants were falling apart by the seams.
At the mall, I was walking in a daze, absorbing the world around me. My jaw has become more relaxed. Which in turn seems to have changed my facial expression to some extent. Even now when I type this, I am going for making sure everything is correct the first time and in a space of complete relaxation or as much as I can be relaxed. I get some good fitting clothing and my friend helps me with some clothing recommendations for next Sunday’s shopping. I allotted a budget of $500 towards new articles of clothing.
I get home and…my friend texts me. I’m sitting in a catatonic state on my couch, extremely tired. We end up checking out a very high end nightclub. It wasn’t the best night but at this point, but I was craving the challenge. Being in a state of fatigue and pushing myself was its own reward. I was curious what I was capable of and I still managed to have some fun. It was a new experience.
I get home at 3am, sleep, wake up again at 6:45, get ready for work and show up 15 minutes early. Like a boss.
July 25 – Monday
I am at my worst state. The first two hours of work was managing client emotions with their problems. I was dead tired, highly sleep deprived, body was sore, junk food all weekend. I am at peak fatigue. In the morning, I took a couple of adaptogen herbs to help with the fatigue.
And then focus mode kicks in.
I just do. I do the thing in front of me and I handle the problem. I execute on the task in front of me and continue to the next one immediately after it. I handle the challenge and crave for more.
Lunchtime comes around. I get two slices of pizza and was so lethargic at this point I didn’t even notice one of the guys in the store as the guy I always say hi to. I apologized profusely for ignoring him.
The pizzas kicked in and got me even more sleepy once I got back to work.
Focus mode was coming and going intermittently at this point. I still get work done but no amount of green tea will solve 4 days of sleep deprivation. I would be working and then I would fall into a micronap. I would black out for a second or two and catch myself and get back to working. This started around 1 hour before the end of the day so it wasn’t all too bad.
The blood started pumping when I walked home and focus mode was still there for me.
I did my laundry. I went to the supermarket, grabbed some spinach and made a green juice. I chugged it as fast as possible. If I did not, I would be on Youtube as an excuse to waste more time. I rewarded myself with some air fried goodies.
I ran my first loop at 10:00pm at night and discovered a deeply rooted trauma. I found an emotion of extreme grief and sadness from a quite severe childhood beating. I looked at it like I would a movie on my phone. Duly noted. Time to move on.
About 10 minutes into the loop, I passed out in my couch. Woke up at 12am and went to my bed….the feeling I cannot describe it……like a cold embrace into the darkness of sleep.
July 26, 2022 – rest day
I wake up in a stupor. The green juice was detoxing my body. I chug 500ml of water. Normally, on a day like today, when I am finally comfortable, I sit down and tell myself that: 1) I cannot do it, 2) My life sucks etc. However, I felt like I was watching these behaviors in a detached manner. I am not that person. It was like looking at the thoughts bubble up on your cellphone screen. Duly noted. Time to move on and execute on the next thing.
I focus on what I can control. I take my shower, declutter. I make sure my tie is perfect and my shirt is properly ironed. I call the uber and I get to work again 15 minutes early.
I am writing this out now. The rest helped with the energy level. I made and chugged another green smoothie. Post complete. Time to reward myself with some air fried goodies.
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Update day 32 (rest day) - 7/28/2022
Days 31 and 32 update
Day 31 - Ran 1 loop in morning and 1 loop in evening when I got home. I felt gratitude at night for this product.
Day 32: Morning - I tackled a project I promised a friend for almost 2 years…I had so much obstacles and…focus mode…and…i jumped over, side-swiped, slashed away many major obstacles towards this project. I am deeply grateful for this product. I don’t feel the anxiety that I had before towards finding out the next and next solution. I feel like a code god. 2 years ago I couldnt write hello world in python. Now I just completed a major major milestone in webscraping for a friend. Major fucking milestone.
Now…NOW…I get ready for the job I want to leave.
Fuck yea. FUCK YEA BABY LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Looking at your fantastic results, I’m very tempted to make a custom like yours. But for now I will go slowly and run one stage at a time.
Could you please list here your custom with all modules?
Apparently its QL ST1-4 stacked into one file. Only the QL modules and nothing else.
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Minimum should be 10 modules, not only 4.
It is technically 10 modules but i think he “tricked” it lol… When you make a custom it gives you 10 default modules to change so he must have changed the first 4 then left the remaining 6
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I’m a simple man. QL ST1-4 stacked into one file.
Day 32 - Update #2:
After I made the last post, I got ready for work. It was 8:16am and I had to leave my house at 8:45 the latest to reach work on time. 29 minutes to shave, take a shower, brush teeth, iron shirt, spray on some cologne, call the uber, wait for uber. This was the minimum habit stack. On a good day, I would add decluttering habits and some Youtube videos.
Today, at 8:16am, I went into the bathroom and went straight for the shower.
In my head, there was one sentence: “The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.”
I was always late to work if I started my routine at any time after 8:00am. Today, that sentence was repeating in my head. Today I shaved my scruffy beard in the shower with my eyes closed. Feeling my face. Had about 90% accurate shave and finished the rest at the nearby mirror. I realized I save a few minutes here by doing this. I brushed my teeth before getting into the shower, so that while the shower warmed up, I had some overlap of time. While the shower was hot, the hair was soft and I was able to shave my face easier. I used the towel once and got out. I didn’t have to use it again, or use the mirror or wipe the steam off the mirror as I usually do.
While I called the Uber, I ironed my shirt in the 4 minutes of wait time, told the guy to wait 1 minute as I finished getting ready, I pushed a tie into my pocket for the road and grabbed my things and got into the uber.
In the Uber, there is overlap time of 10-15 minutes. I did my tie on my neck…TO PERFECTION…WITHOUT LOOKING… I tied my shoes, made sure I looked good and was done. The uber driver was chuckling. I told him I was late running around etc.
I get to work 6 minutes early.
The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and thinking it will yield a different result. I accomplished a routine what would take me close to 45 -60 minutes to do in a much condensed time span. The time was still utilized for the proper actions, just I “found” more time in the overlap of wait times.
Another productive day. More headway into my project. More learning, more obstacles overcame.
Focus mode feels wonderful. I realize…I never really focused on anything before with such intensity. Maybe I never really learned how to focus at all…who knows.
Going to meet a friend in the city and talk to a pretty female or two tonight.
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Day 33 -
Interesting observation: Usually when I’m sleep deprived, I sleep in and the time moves by in the blink of an eye. Right now the time is moving at a snail’s pace. The time dilation is crazy right now. 1 minute feels like 1 hour. I set a timer for a nap for 10 minutes and I am anxious after closing my eyes for 4 minutes.
The energy is there. I only have had 2 hrs of sleep right now but the energy is there, the time dilation effects are there
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Day 34 - 7/30/2022 - 2x Loops, - Rested on Days 7/29 and 7/28
Ran 2 loops. I had a productive morning. Got home from friend’s place in 80 minutes. Came home and immediately decluttered house, did laundry, made food and coffee. I then sat in sofa and just relaxed doing nothing. I ran 2 loops around 12:30pm. I thought nothing of the next 3 hours, but 2 hours 50 minutes later, I had a strong emotional release. Crying and sobbing. It was releasing all the overwhelm of the past week. Sleep deprivation, crushing goals, doing the high stress things. I spent a good 7 minutes letting it all out. My zoom call was starting soon so I had to get my shit together.
I don’t feel the focus mode today. Usually I find a slight relaxing pressure/sensation around my eyes and my jaw loosens.
But I will do the consistent things regardless and know that it will arrive when I act purposefully towards my goals.
I spent today just sitting and recovering. Made a matcha tea with some schizandria powder. Tasted terrible. Had more food.
Gonna go take a shower and do the other hygiene routines.
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Day 35 - 7/31/2022 - rest
Day 36 - 8/1/2022 - ran 1 loop
Day 37 - 8/2/2022 - rest
Day 38 - 8/3/2022 - ran 1 loop at night
This week has been and is currently shitty. Highlights are that I delivered my scraped data to my friend as well as the code I used to scrape it with. It was my gift to him. Who knew 2 years ago I was terrified to even attempt scraping. Saturday night 7/30 some female at the bar loved my stupidity and we have a date this coming Sunday.
This week, Day 37 - Tuesday, I barely slept. Had a hallucinatory fever dream. I had a strong fever. Maybe it is the shitty COVID, but definetly was not a pleasant night. I got to work and still crushed my day. I did look like a zombie though.
Day 38 - wednesday night, ran 1 loop. Everything is a mess. My room, my body. I’m coughing up bits of hard phlegm, I’m dehydrated. Will need to address these issues.
I feel a lack of willpower but when has that stopped me?
So far, the sleep deprivation has been manageable. I slept 11 hours from Mon to Tues. Barely slept Tues, Slept 10ish hrs Wed, and I am here today able to make another post.
Hopefully I get better and back on the momentum I had.
Day 39 - 8/4/2022 - update - rest day
I was testing how far I can push the focus mode past few weeks with sleep deprivation, poor nutrition. I was able to focus just fine. However, when sickness did come around. The past 2 days was like nothing but focus on survival. I had no intention to do good work, or get work done at a fast pace. I still got the work done but I was highly unfocused and reactive.
I noticed that my eyes have shifted. All this relaxation stuff really works. I want to compound on the relaxation by starting both a yoga and workout routine. Yoga will take a higher priority. The goal is to become as relaxed as possible. Maybe it can help the focus mode.
Speaking of focus mode. I know now for a fact that in all my 31 years of existence…I never really focused super long or super hard on something. The last time I did focus on something for a prolonged period of time was when I took adderall back in high school to study for chemistry.
My relationship with time has changed. I felt time moving at a standstill and as the minutes and seconds slugged along today, I was working at a normal speed. Relatively, I was working fast as everything else around me was moving slow. I really enjoy the time dilation.
In terms of work and handling my goals, 1-2 hours of solid work where I bypass problems and get to the solution is equivalent to 6-8 hours of unfocused work where I dilly-dally around and find reasons to not do shit. So I think compared to the average person in this field, I have a significant competitive advantage.
My next major steps are to hone my habit patterns. I need to make time for the important things. I must work on the next project and crank out another blog post. I must sharpen myself on HackerRank, Kaggle. The time is there.
I know not who I was 39 days ago. Who the fuck was that cunt?
I know who I will be in the future. A solid, razor sharp, smart motherfucker who handles his business.
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