It is interesting the clarity a washout and some emotional release will give you.
After I took out some anger at home (which was a bit embarrassing to be frank), I was sitting in my room, red in the face, pissed off with myself and giving myself some time to simmer down.
I think it was some reconciliation from my previous stack (which included a ZPT2 custom) along with current circumstances that limited my freedom that led to a sort of frustration with life itself.
I spent my time the past few days daydreaming and jotting down custom ideas. And also reading through both the Q Store and the Main Store sales pages. But nothing was inspiring me.
But when I cooled down after the event today, the fog lifted and I could see that I wasn’t mature enough in my masculinity which was why it was affecting various parts of my life negatively. And this wasn’t a one-off event either. I usually keep myself contained for days and then “blow off steam” when there is a “last straw on the camel’s back”. Which isn’t healthy either.
Talking about masculinity, it’s not like I don’t have a good father. I have a great one who both family and society look up to. He does his duty, provides for anyone in need but most of all has a sense of purpose for his life. And even at the ripe old age of 70, he is always up and about from sunrise to sunset at work and to be the man of the house and his family tribe. I would rightly call him a patriarch.
When I was young though, I didn’t appreciate all that but held against him his disciplinarian attitude towards me and his teachings on how to be a man. Things I later realized were harsh but useful lessons. If my father wasn’t in control, I would have been a wayward son filled with regret for worse things than the issues I have now.
Which is why I have so much respect for him now and show that to him by following the rules of the house and by also understanding and applying masculine principles to the problems I have.
There are times we disagree but that is part of the father-son dynamic and he is neither a person who holds grudges nor someone who doesn’t understand that we have different paths in life.
Having said all that, there are still some old tendencies and habits that I need to purge from my psyche to embody the Khan and be who I want to be. Traditional masculinity isn’t my path but my desire is to be more of an alpha who knows what he wants and goes for what he wants. Dad is a tradionally masculine man and there are benefits to be so especially for children.
But going forward, since I neither want to raise children of my own (yeah I know, never say never) nor enjoy the idea of being monogamous to one woman, I need to reprogram my mind to get over the scripts of (right wing) religion and (left wing) politics to be the man I want to be.
A previous and separate run of both Khan (pre-Q version) and Dragon Reborn (Qv1 version) have taught me many lessons in being dominant and being myself at the same time. But I need more. More power. More dominance. More masculinity. More daring and drive. And more me.
I would also like to lead men to better ways of solving their problems in an age that seeks to feminize them. And to do that, I need to be on my A game and lead by example before being able to advice boys and men in the ways of the world.
Hence I will be running each stage of DR and Khan simultaneously. As in DR ST1 + Khan ST1, DR ST2 + Khan ST2, etc. Not advisable I know but I claim veteran’s prerogative to do so lol.
As always, whether it will be successful or not leaves to be seen. But what I know is that I want to do it. And I need to do it.
If it melts (Dragon Fire) and breaks (Total Breakdown) my brain down, it was nice knowing all of you haha.
- Godlike Masculinity
- Dragon Reborn
PS: Might add in a Paragon custom but not during stage 1 of DR and Khan.