Liminality custom Qv2

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#541

Did some deep questioning. Lots of back and forth. I came to the conclusion that I began running wanted zp because I just wanted an escape. I wanted to feel good, I wanted to attract women, and I wanted to forget all the shit in my life I’ve battled with. Completely non intentional use of the word wanted in there btw. But the point is, even though I received benefits from it I’ve been stretching myself way too thin.

I don’t want to part ways with it, part of me really wants to continue running it. But it plays into a certain escapist fantasy. One where I can get lost in the good feelings of being wanted, but that detracts from the fact my life isn’t together.

The fact is when I think about my life I’m filled with existential dread. And I’m filled with that because I feel like I cant command power over any aspect of my life. I always get stuck in shitty circumstances for far too long. Always end up going along with crap that isn’t fulfilling, but it’s safe. And everyday I’ve been waking up with anxiety that I’m pushing myself through another day that gives me absolutely nothing in return but drains me.

I went back and forth with wanted zp and Ascension zp. The choice to run Ascension zp filled me with anxiety because I knew I’d be facing the things I’ve been running from. Sure wanted zp gets difficult, but it’s only one aspect. And I’ve found that aspect, though challenging, can be improved pretty easily given time. But it’s not enough on its own.

I almost had a breakdown at work today. Head in my hands, telling myself “I can’t fucking do this”. I knew at that moment I needed to go back to foundation building so I can turn “I can’t do this” into “I’m going to change this”.

  1. Run UA zp so I can stop gaslighting myself into thinking pursuing music is a pointless venture and I’ll never go anywhere. Finally do something nice for myself and nurture my own soul to get what it really wants out of life instead of all the stupid bs I’ve had shoved into my head.

  2. Run Ascension ZP so I don’t take shit from people, always take care of myself, and make a life I’m happy with that’s in alignment with my values. Understand my own personal power and never feel like I’m two steps away from unraveling my own life.

#542

Sometimes I see the psychological pain people endure and I want to help them. I cant help but feel things like depression or anxiety are trivialized in society. When the meds don’t work, the therapy doesn’t take the sting out of living with an issue that directly impacts your enjoyment of life, what then? We keep trying, but I’ve talked to be people randomly over the internet who have been trying for years and they can’t reach inner peace.

As much as it’s all our personal responsibility to get better, I can’t help but feel as if a huge burden has been placed among individuals to exist in a world that directly contributes to these issues.

Toxic positivity is definitely a thing. It’s when people are uncomfortable with the idea that something so horrible could exist in someone’s head they try to wash it away with positivity. So instead of compassion people get a fear based “this needs to go away reaction”. As if the very mentality people are exhibiting could be caught like a virus and have their own thoughts infected.

Of course that’s one side. There are supportive and compassionate people out there that understand. But it’s a gamble sometimes with who you get in your life.

I guess what I’m rambling about here is I’m at a point in my own life between growth as a person and dealing with the more painful aspects of my psyche I’ve dealt with for years. And I keep burying them as if I overcame them, but it’s really me pushing it down out of awareness because of a deep internalized shame. And I can tell when I’m not dealing with this in a healthy manner because when I encounter anything that reminds me of my own pain I tense up and try my best to not think that way or identify with it. But the thing is, I do. My reaction is just a conscious thing after the fact, but the subconscious resonance is already there.

My life really has felt like holding my breath and gritting my teeth to get through things. And more now than ever I really want to stop doing that. And it starts by being way more honest about how I feel, what I’m dealing with, and what I need. Fuck the expectations and societal conditioning. I have to advocate for myself because not everyone is gonna get it. And I’m not wrong. I’ve never been wrong when it comes to dealing with all this, I was just led to believe that.

I just wish more people could enjoy life. It seems like a curse to be forced to exist but have trouble living a life where you actually feel like you’re living vs constantly getting beat down. We can celebrate the small wins and moments sure, be thankful for them. But that doesn’t negate the difficulty of navigating the many other days when things are incredibly tough.

#543

Taking a full day off today, not just from subs but everything. No worrying about making music, no worrying about jobs, no worrying about the future, no worrying about fixing my life. I need to unload from this constant anxiety that never actually pushes me to action, it just paralyzes and drains me.

If the music happens spontaneously cool. If anything productive happens spontaneously I’m fine. But I don’t intend to do much that except play some video games and chill because I’ve definitely reached my limit

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#544

So my washout continues and I have to say that its becoming increasingly obvious I’ve got deeper stuff that needs to be addressed.

This isn’t just a case of me needing to be more confident and face my fears. I think I’ve got some serious trauma built up in my mind. I’ve gone back and forth with this for years. Basically “nothing traumatic happened, your life was easy, stop fabricating this stuff”. But something just seems off. All the progress I’ve made over the years and how I’ve grown, it feels like “me” still isn’t in my day to day living. I just built up a persona that gets me through my days.

Fear, anxiety, avoidance, all still largely perceived as weakness by me. But it comes from somewhere, it’s not an enemy. And that somewhere, I don’t know. Best I can describe it is a child in me or a younger stuck mind. And these programs like ascension or wanted haven’t reached past a certain depth. They’ve sort of stopped at a more surface level. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go past a certain point and I think I’m done pushing and need to re-engage in a more compassionate way. My outside feels like the protector, which I’ve strengthened, but my inside feels incredibly vulnerable.

My plan was ascension ZP this coming cycle. But I’m going to move to regeneration zp instead, possibly paired with Paragon ZP or Sanguine ZP. Haven’t decided yet.

But I guess my lack of wanting to run anything healing related like this was down to the profound disconnect I had between my own internal emotional state vs what I thought I was dealing with.

In a way I suppress the deepest aspects of myself sometimes because I have put a lot of work into myself over the years. And sometimes when I see how deep it goes, well it kind of makes me feel like I failed in some way. But lately I want to get the core of things and heal and treat myself better vs trying to hide it.

There’s a lot about me I still don’t understand. I put my blinders on and plowed ahead to improve my life, but at the expense of taking care of the deepest parts of myself.

#545

I’m not 100% certain but I might have complex PTSD from my childhood. Obviously I have to go see a therapist at this point to get officially diagnosed. But I’m reading others experiences and they hit close to home.

I’ve mentioned it before but my mom experienced emotional neglect and abuse growing up. She never healed from it or acknowledged it and now I’m reading it’s very common for those inter generational traumas to be passed down even with the best of intentions from a parent. And emotional neglect can be as impactful as physical pain.

It’s a hard thing to wrap my head around because “it wasn’t that bad and others had it worse” type thinking. But the symptoms are all there and have been for years now.

I think regeneration and sanguine will be the way to move forward while I try to find some help.

I kind of just thought everyone lived like this, it never occurred to me I’m dealing with much deeper issues.

#546

I would encourage you to think about starting with only Ascension and listening to that for 30 days, then re-evalutate.

#547

Thanks. I’ve decided to move over to regeneration zp and sanguine zp for now. Will revisit the ascension plan when I feel better