It’s been a few weeks (3/4) since I’ve got on here and shared an update or listened to any of the subs.
For those of you that don’t know, I stumbled across the world of subliminals on my introduction to Neville Goddard and the world of deliberate creation. My first ever sub combination was Regeneration + Elixir which got too heavy towards the end of weeks 3-4. I intuitively felt like I was done after 1 month and ready to move into Seductress.
A magical event then transpired in my life and I almost thought that my beloved (SP) was back in my life around week 4. I was caught up between excitement and confusion going back and forth. I honestly couldn’t process it. Amidst this, work got really stressful with me putting in 10-15 hours daily (for a job I don’t even like) and I very instinctively withdrew from everyone (online as well as in person).
I was still processing the event where my SP had that magical moment only to realize last night when he told me that nothing had really changed in terms of his priorities. He doesn’t see himself in a relationship right now and doesn’t know if family and marriage is something he might ever want. I almost expected this based on how our conversation seemed to have fizzled but I still kept thinking to myself that it is very possible we might get back together cuz why the heck not.
After having spent the entire day in bed without having the physical strength to move, I have come to the realization that I don’t seem to have any sense of identity. I was aware that emotional regulation is a challenging area given my diagnosis of BPD however, I found myself slipping into very dark territory. I found myself searching up “Reasons to live” on YT and reading people’s regrets. I didn’t have any urge to self harm in any means, I suppose I was just looking for someone that could resonate with how I feel and in that shared space, find some solace.
I started wondering what the purpose and point to life is at all. I started questioning everything I have known and believed in so far including manifestation, quantum physics, behavior and habit changes. So far, I’ve not come across anything that has given me a deeper sense or relief and a meaning/purpose to continue on. It felt like such a cruel joke. Just when I thought I was healing and getting better, I am finding myself in this position. Yet again. I don’t know whom to reach out to (I’m pretty isolated at this point) or confide in besides this platform here because of the supportive and uplifting community presence.
My entire sense of identity, meaning, mission, laws of the Universe have all crumbled. I feel helpless and seriously beaten down. I am unhappy with my physical appearance and the binge and disordered eating has been triggered all over again. I work in a toxic workplace where people are expected to die working yet no appreciation whatsoever or a decent break is given. My heart hurts and so does my entire body for I long to be held and comforted. This year was supposed to be the year I got better in every way possible and reunite with the love of my life yet here I’m searching for reasons to continue living.
I don’t feel heard, supported or encouraged by friends or family around. Not in ways I so seek to be comforted. Sleep has become my escapade and I sleep long long hours. I read somewhere that these are all the symptoms of a spiritual awakening however psychology would say this is dissociation and I’m probably losing my mind. I don’t know how to keep going on or why even bother when no matter how much I try to change (affirmations, meditation, hypnosis, talk therapy etc.,) nothing permanent seems to be happening anyways. It’s as though my default self (self sabotage) always prevails no matter how much good I keep feeding it. I feel like a lost cause.
To whoever has gotten to the end of this entry, I very much thank you for acknowledging the presence of this entry.