Life Update - I don't know what I'm doing anymore

Journals - Women's Products
#1

Update!

It’s been a few weeks (3/4) since I’ve got on here and shared an update or listened to any of the subs.

For those of you that don’t know, I stumbled across the world of subliminals on my introduction to Neville Goddard and the world of deliberate creation. My first ever sub combination was Regeneration + Elixir which got too heavy towards the end of weeks 3-4. I intuitively felt like I was done after 1 month and ready to move into Seductress.

A magical event then transpired in my life and I almost thought that my beloved (SP) was back in my life around week 4. I was caught up between excitement and confusion going back and forth. I honestly couldn’t process it. Amidst this, work got really stressful with me putting in 10-15 hours daily (for a job I don’t even like) and I very instinctively withdrew from everyone (online as well as in person).

I was still processing the event where my SP had that magical moment only to realize last night when he told me that nothing had really changed in terms of his priorities. He doesn’t see himself in a relationship right now and doesn’t know if family and marriage is something he might ever want. I almost expected this based on how our conversation seemed to have fizzled but I still kept thinking to myself that it is very possible we might get back together cuz why the heck not.

After having spent the entire day in bed without having the physical strength to move, I have come to the realization that I don’t seem to have any sense of identity. I was aware that emotional regulation is a challenging area given my diagnosis of BPD however, I found myself slipping into very dark territory. I found myself searching up “Reasons to live” on YT and reading people’s regrets. I didn’t have any urge to self harm in any means, I suppose I was just looking for someone that could resonate with how I feel and in that shared space, find some solace.

I started wondering what the purpose and point to life is at all. I started questioning everything I have known and believed in so far including manifestation, quantum physics, behavior and habit changes. So far, I’ve not come across anything that has given me a deeper sense or relief and a meaning/purpose to continue on. It felt like such a cruel joke. Just when I thought I was healing and getting better, I am finding myself in this position. Yet again. I don’t know whom to reach out to (I’m pretty isolated at this point) or confide in besides this platform here because of the supportive and uplifting community presence.

My entire sense of identity, meaning, mission, laws of the Universe have all crumbled. I feel helpless and seriously beaten down. I am unhappy with my physical appearance and the binge and disordered eating has been triggered all over again. I work in a toxic workplace where people are expected to die working yet no appreciation whatsoever or a decent break is given. My heart hurts and so does my entire body for I long to be held and comforted. This year was supposed to be the year I got better in every way possible and reunite with the love of my life yet here I’m searching for reasons to continue living.

I don’t feel heard, supported or encouraged by friends or family around. Not in ways I so seek to be comforted. Sleep has become my escapade and I sleep long long hours. I read somewhere that these are all the symptoms of a spiritual awakening however psychology would say this is dissociation and I’m probably losing my mind. I don’t know how to keep going on or why even bother when no matter how much I try to change (affirmations, meditation, hypnosis, talk therapy etc.,) nothing permanent seems to be happening anyways. It’s as though my default self (self sabotage) always prevails no matter how much good I keep feeding it. I feel like a lost cause.

To whoever has gotten to the end of this entry, I very much thank you for acknowledging the presence of this entry.

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#2

Thank you for sharing with us.

I have no advice to give, but only a gentle nudge to keep going. It’s not over yet, for you, me or others here who wants to change their lives for the better. We’re not out of the game, and can still win at life.

My life situation wasn’t too pretty months ago before I started, and yet now that I look back, I am still surprised about the good things that happened. Surprise twist and turns that landed me in pleasant circumstances and situations that use to only peek in my imagination.

One thing I know, there’s more to come, and I am just getting started.

2021 is still early, this might be that turning point year you’re looking for.

Edit: I didn’t see the BPD part and I don’t know much about it, but professional care is still the most important. Stay strong enchantress

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#3

Thanks for sharing.

There’s little I can say…except that I thought I was the only one; you’re not alone in this experience.

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#4

Hi Enchantress

When my wife felt like you one time, I told her to listen to the subliminal Love Bomb and after 30 to 40 minutes she started to feel good again. After 1 hour she was full of energy. Very potent file, full of self-esteem and self confidence

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#5

R E C O N C I L I A T I O N
Take some rest days. :wink:

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#6

Thank you for taking the interest and time to respond. I truly appreciate the nudge. I hope to be more regular on here and not slip further into those dense emotions.

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#7

@SubliminalUser - I honestly felt like no one here might be able to resonate with this given how dark and distressing such thoughts tend to be. Thank you for expressing your state here on this post.

#8

@Avengers68 - Thank you for the advice. I had purchased Libertine and will give the Love Bomb prototype a try.

#9

@SaintSovereign - Could the reconciliation process last this long? It’s been about 3.5 weeks since I stopped Regeneration + Elixir combination and assumed the reconciliation process must have ended.

I haven’t started any new subs since I felt like I needed to give myself a longer break and would like to get started next.

#10

What @SaintSovereign said

#11

that’s reconciliation indeed. especially when you are new to listening to hard hitting subs. we all experience it especially when the sub we are listening to is not our default views to our life.

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#12

Yes, it can. All the feelings you mentioned toward the end of your post, particularly about not having a direction in life are common reconciliation issues.

Also, after reading your post again, I noticed that you have an official BPD diagnosis. PLEASE see a qualified medical professional before continuing to listen to your stack. Regeneration and Elixir are powerful products and we’re not sure how they could affect your BPD.

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#13

Keep going. What you are feeling means that your views about yourself and the world around you are starting to change. That’s not always a pleasant process. It can be confusing, and your old views tend to fight back. This means it’s working.
In the last few years, I’ve gone from flat out thinking that I sucked as a human to knowing that I’m pretty awesome and the journey continues at increasing speed. You can do that too, just remember that these are bumps on the road not the end of it.

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#14

Hey there,

It will all be okay. I know that its rough and may seem bleak but it will pass. It’s passing right now.

It seems like there will be new changes on the horizon in your life. Something is awakening within you, you’ve mentioned many symptoms of awakening; you’re witnessing the unfolding of your true self, it’ll be a journey.

Please get enough rest and nourishment until this passes as all things shall. Be sure to cover your bases of primary vitamins and minerals, sun and fresh air. A healthy body and a healthy mind and whatnot.

The sense of your world shaking, quaking and crumbling is an invitation for a new foundation - take small steps like we somehow were able to do when we were just wee little rugrats, into incorporating new habits and routines and activities into your life. Just like how you truly see yourself. Start a new diet, change your wardrobe, your hair and so forth.

We sometimes feel like we are unheard, but here’s the thing that we’ll come to learn if we’re fortunate… we need to hear our own selves more so than being heard from others. Connect with yourself. Love your own self. Everyone and everything else will fall into place.

Awakenings are intense and they may take a while but it will be worth it. As you continue on with you subliminal journey of self development and cleaning of your unconscious from the inherited uselessness, you may come to realize those some friends are but fiends and you’ll magically be entangled with new friends and loved ones that are like minded, on the same wavelength as you are. It’s a fact of life.

Regarding self-sabotage: from my understanding, it seems like we are sometimes pushed into staying in our comfort zone whenever we attempt to venture forward. The unknown is terrifying and the ego-mind would hinder its own progress just to eliminate any chance of drawing danger to its existence, even if it would generate unfathomable greatness. Ironically silly isn’t it? Fall of the wagon and get jump back up until you take the reins of the whole damn thing. Don’t be hard on yourself.

BPD is… difficult and stressful. One thing that helped me manage it was witnessing what’s passing by, the pendulum swing of emotions and moods. It’s an internal embodiment of a dual perspective, as I see it. Breathe it out. And keep breathing. Breathe as you smile at your reflection.

As saint said, this is a reconciliation. Our making is designed to handle anything thrown at it, if you would only breathe it out.

I may have blabbed, and I may have derailed and went into tangents and spirals. I hope that this helps.

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#15

I’m glad to see you post again and it saddens me that you’re going through all of these difficulties at once. It’s hard to remain positive when you’re exhausted from overworking and then to have a broken heart on top of that must be incredibly draining. You’re incredibly strong. You’re very intelligent and you continue to write so beautifully even though you’re going through all this pain. Getting Love Bomb was an excellent choice. It’s a step in the right direction. You seem to need better opportunities, and you will get them hopefully soon. In the meantime, I think it would be helpful if you set small goals that you can do for yourself on a daily basis. You are bigger than all of these problems and you will come out stronger.

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#16

I thought you were giving feedback on the new app here :see_no_evil::see_no_evil:

#17

Definitely reconciliation, take a deep breath, step back, and re-evaluate things when you’re not swimming in the negative. I know easier said than done, I’ve been at the place you’re experiencing many times. Eventually you learn to tell yourself “ok this is reconciliation, I’m not thinking straight”.

When you don’t know what you’re doing, go ahead anyway. I’ve learned the worst thing you can do is ruminate on the not knowing and get trapped in a downward spiral.

I know how you feel about going through all the self improvement and feeling like you haven’t made a dent. Especially when others do the same thing and get about 1000x the result with even less effort.

I know you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing and that’s ok. The job situation sounds rough. Maybe start there. It’s really hard to function when you’re stuck in a toxic job. What would help you move on from that?

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#18

Always remember, it’s okay to not be okay

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#19

@SaintSovereign - The diagnosis is on the borderline side for BPD which is why I wasn’t prescribed any medications. What I do tend to find challenging is holding onto a state consistently for long since I can go through many emotions within short bursts of time.

I plan on moving onto subs such as Love Bomb and Seductress when I’m feeling slightly better and I suppose I will have a much easier transition on those. Thanks for the clarification on reconciliation though, I had totally ruled it out.

#20

@COWolfe - Thank you for sharing your journey and success. It gives me hope that there surely is light at the end of the tunnel. Which subs did you incorporate into your routine to see the desired changes if you don’t mind me asking?