A Northern Power (Not Nice)

Journals - Major Programs
#258

“Bad code” sounds pretty fitting.

I listened to Genesis and LBFH yesterday, and I’ve had undesirable issues on my mind this afternoon.

  1. Feeling guilty about leaving work earlier than normal (when I could have stayed) and

  2. Feeling guilty when my housemate is unhappy with something. Makes me not want to come home since something always seems off. I believe in taking responsibility, but carrying everyone else’s is not desirable.

Breaking “bad code” sounds desirable :+1:

For me, “bad code” in this context translates to

“If anyone is unhappy, it’s your responsibility to make them happy”

1 Like
#259

Genesis and DR LD is definitely doing it for me. But man does it go in waves. From “you got this” to “when is this pain going to go away”. It’s not easy facing the real feelings underneath all of it in the slightest for me. I still find myself detaching without realizing. Like kinking up a hose, the flow stops. I’ve identified it’s not just the fact the emotions get detached from but the meta feelings surrounding having those emotions in the first place. It’s such a convoluted thing.

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#260

ST2 approaching three weeks

Still very drained from ST2 but a result as that ST2 is possibly getting rid of my background anxiety. I’m on work holiday but I’ve noticed the rumbling unease in the background that I’ve learned to cope with in my life has disappeared. Hmm… I just don’t have it anymore.

Feels kinda… boring.

@SaintSovereign previously suggested the recon boredom and switching up sub titles is when the breakthrough is round the corner. I’ve thought of ending ST2 numerous times because maybe I’m stubborn enough to just let go of the hard luck story of “the abused child”. Maybe feeling weak and powerless are tricks, convincing me to stop the progress made on Dragon Reborn?

Whoever said ST2 was difficult was right, but in a way that forces you out of decades of being in the world.

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#261

Approaching the end of ST2

I think DR:LD has cracked the code.

I now feel such clarity and relaxation about myself now that I no longer have to think about conquering the past and hang on to my hard luck story. This is such a personal breakthrough that I now don’t need to constantly focus on my failures and defeats and plan for a clean slate.

(as an aside: I can deal with homesickness too because what I yearned for but never gained in family was swapped out for a calm home with my loving partner. It still upsets me that I received a “happy birthday” a day late…)

I’m also aware of another crippling belief - the fear of success! Why? Well, once picked out as the “faulty one”, I was never encouraged to blatantly show off and be proud of my wins, rather my failures were brought up and reinforced. I wasn’t allowed to shine, so that’s another belief I want to smash.

So interested to start DR ST3 and maybe even using Rebirth to turn the page.

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#262

A few new things have happened

  • started a new art training course
  • moved to a much quieter shop
  • have a bit more money in my hand💲

ST3 still has me chilled out and relaxed, rather weaning off the adrenaline addiction of expecting chaos and violence. Feeling bored is something I need to get used to, just to normalise peace. Still have to fight the urge to run away and towards what’s “comfortable”. Sometimes changing the environment is the first, biggest step to getting mentally healthier.

Expecting good things to happen, having loving people around me and pursuing my purpose ought to be the new norm from now on. Slowing coming out of my shell…

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#263

Have you ever thought about how movies where people are getting traumatized and endangered are reframed, packaged, and sold to us as “action movies” and “entertainment”?

This is a deep insight!

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MALKUTH The Phenomenaut
#264

@RVconsultant this is why I’ve started to watch less TV series and start on my new paid-for art course, whilst coping with the fear (from my partner) of pulling away from her.

What I didn’t realise about ST3 was

constant, profound releasing and relaxation of the old. You can expect yourself to feel more and more relaxed as time goes by, with greater and greater levels of energy

I’ve been calling this relaxed state boredom, as if I had no right to be in a non-anxiety state. Maybe that needs to change.

you will also be supported by the Dragon Flight’s energy that opens your mind to grand possibilities

Mostly the things I’m not happy about are also coming to the surface - why am I away from my old big city, living a 2.4 domestic life, working full-time, getting bored and having dominant women teach me about life.

What I really want is being free enough to be creating fantastic paintings and mixing it up in the in the art world.

(Of course both scenarios can still happen, just not yet).

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#265

What about running the new Ascension? How does it work for you, mate?

1 Like
#266

I gave Ascension ZP2 a trial run a few weeks ago and am still eagerly awaiting its upgrade.

Frankly, I’ll need more than one cycle of Ascension to even feel a smallest of self respect - I’m still far too passive with no boundaries, cannot reveal my true self without fear of disapproval and I’m letting strong personalities pull me off my path. I may look masculine but my own energy is severely underdeveloped.

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#267

What are you planning on listening to over the next 10 days?

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#268

@Michel Running Dragon Reborn LD and Dragon Reborn St 1 right now.

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#269

@rvconsultant I’ll need to finish up with DR ST3 for a cycle, whilst pairing it up with something, either a combination of Genesis, DR:LD or an alpha title. Something that will end the passivity and lack of masculinity.

@James I wouldn’t be brave enough to try LD with ST1, but that stack says force “hard reset”.

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#270

That’s exactly what I want

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#271

I think this is wise. I’m guessing you’re aiming for DR st4.

I have been reading your journal over the past year or so.

What are your thoughts on running Genesis for 45 days (along with DR), then re-evaluate if DR:LD would be a next step?

What are your thoughts of running DR st4 with Genesis, then perhaps also adding DR:LD (so you are eventually running 3 titles)? I wonder if that combination would blow away so many limits (DR st4 and DR:LD) and orient your existential compass (Genesis), that by the time you pick an alpha title, running the alpha title will feel easy and natural, almost as though it was impatiently waiting for you to listen to it.

Which alpha titles are you considering?

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#272

@RVconsultant Ascension mostly. However it does seem like I’ve been at that program for years without even meeting the objectives.

The thought of even doing prep work just to listen to an alpha title is sobering. Genesis however did plug in the gaps I was looking for in terms of drive and rooted confidence. Half healing, half building up a la @subliminalguy’s journey is actually desirable.

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#273

I would think that Ascension might be good to start at, but if you did, at what point would you start to re-evaluate? (After all if you’ve been at it for years, do you think DR:LD might help, or perhaps a different alpha title?)

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#274

I found it not desirable from my end. Moving into major change without having a clear mental focus discouraged me from maintaining it. One was all emotional and perspective driven (healing), and the other was primarily unemotional and logical (small business mindset). There was no real overlap.

For me, to have focus is similar to holding great treasure. I had not appreciated this before.

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#275

@RVconsultant if/when Genesis/LD does the business, I’d give Ascension the usual 28 day cycle. Even then it’s hard to say when to continue after that. I guess having a self criteria like:

  • do I feel freer in expression?
  • am I still emotionally closed off?
  • is my confidence weatherproof?
  • am I still spineless?
  • do I still need approval from others?
  • are my boundaries rock solid?
  • can I pursue my own goals without kowtowing to more powerful others?

Hadn’t really considered other alpha titles - does leadership/being a hardass even seem viable yet? Would something like CFW or LFBH be a good pre-alpha sub?

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#276

I would think CFW would be a constructive title for preparing one for leadership. I think that is what it’s designed for. As for LBFH, yes. I found that LBFH leads the feelings of those around me towards acting kind towards others. I didn’t have to do much of anything.

I think the idea that someone has to be a hardass to be a leader/alpha, or to be overtly dominant or masculine to lead is a false idea.

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#277

@RVconsultant the idea would be finishing up ST3 alongside maybe Genesis/LD, then run ST4 with something else. But I won’t know exactly what suits a stage until I’m in it. It could be that ST4 is all I need, then a Dragon “ST5” sub to build an alpha foundation. I don’t know because I never got to ST4.

Have to say ST3 is healing and firming me up to a good degree, giving me peace of mind, a new, less chaotic environment and a bigger wage packet. But there’s always more to come.

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