KhanQ by the numbers


#1

I just hit play on Khan stage 1. I’ve had great results with Subclub so far, but I feel that several aspects of my life are still stuck in a holding pattern and have been for at least the last three years.
While subs have been a tremendous amount of help for me for the last twelve years, and I am definitely a much better man than I was when I started to improve myself, I think that I need to do a hard reset and deeper reprogramming to get where I want to be. I have a feeling that the subs I’ve run before while they were effective at building me up quickly in some cases were doing so on a very shaky foundation. It’s time to fix that. I am planning to run at least the first two phases for three months apiece so that they can have their full and permanent effect. From what I’ve been reading, I may be in for a rough six months, but I’m willing to go through it if it lets me finally level up my life afterwards.

Goals

Here are my goals with this.
#1. Financial. We’ve been struggling financially for years, and barely holding on. I’ve done a miraculous job of keeping things from going off the rails with the help of Subclub and another producer, but haven’t been able to get to the point where we are stable and I’m not having to scramble to keep things from falling apart. I’ve gotten close a couple of times, but every time, some off the wall thing happened to derail the process.
I suspect that I actually manifested some of these on myself because some subconscious aspect has a hard time dealing with me succeeding and being in a rather stress free situation. That’s one of the things I hope Khan eliminates with the first stage.

#2. Professional. I have been trying to get into a certain profession for many years. I’ve been working in two closely related fields since 2003, and been hired for the job I really want twice. I still want in at this point. A big part of my problem is I have always lacked social dominance. I have always had a kind of meek uncertain personality for reasons I’ll get into, and this profession requires toe opposite. That had hurt me both in interviewing in front of people who can spot weakness, and in trying to get through the extensive OJT program.
This is actually why I chose to run Khan rather than EOG.

#3. Relationships. My wife used to be extremely domineering. I’d say she was borderline emotionally abusive, but she crossed the border and traveled most of the way into the next country. I accepted this for many years. I sat and took it, so she saw me as someone who it was ok to disrespect and abuse. This has improved greatly since I’ve been running emperor.
She’s not the only one. My parents didn’t treat me with the respect due to another human long into my adulthood, and others also didn’t. I realize that the source of all of these things was that I didn’t see myself as deserving of respect. That’s changed a bit, but for the most part it’s just gotten to a point of neutrality. I want to command respect when I walk into a room. I don’t mind being, as the sales page says, a polarizing figure who some people hate.

#4. Sex life. One thing I insisted on when I got involved with my wife is that I do not do monogamy. I’ve taken advantage of that a few times, but not nearly as much as I would like. Now my wife often isn’t able to due to her MS symptoms. She is quite understanding that I may have to find it elsewhere. I’d like to be much better with women as soon as I can come within six feet of them.

Personal History AKA why I need to run this.

I had some bad programming from the very beginning. My parents were both severely mentally damaged, and really weren’t in any shape to be raising a child.
They divorced when I was five, and at that point my father became the most negative person I have ever met, and my mother became a cold emotionally distant narcissist. (She was before, but my father took the brunt of it till the divorce). She seemed to need to prove that she was superior to someone, and I was the only target she had. My father was angry at the world and I was the only one around to lash out at.
This meant that I didn’t hear a single positive word about myself from age five to my early twenties. Unfortunately, this is when my self image was forming.
The divorce happened just as I was starting school and it distracted me and made me seem weird from day one of kindergarten. I went to a very small school, so I was marked from the beginning. In a small school where everyone knows everyone, once you are the outcast, there is no escaping it. So that meant nothing positive in school as well as nothing positive from my parents.
I’d say my schoolwork suffered, but I didn’t do any.
That kind of reinforced my image of myself as a loser.
It didn’t get better until we moved during my sophomore year.
Life was a little better at the new school. I had some friends, I discovered that I was good at writing for the school paper and got some positive feedback from that. Girls also started showing interest in me. Mind you, I was still shy as hell, but one of my female friends set me up with my first girlfriends.
Unfortunately, she was a hot mess with worse parents than I had and some severe budding mental health issues. I dated her for my last two years of school. Unfortunately I got way too attached. We went to different colleges, but instead of breaking up and moving on, I stayed in her cyclone of melodrama for another year.
I don’t really know why because the floodgates really opened for me that year as far as girls went. Matter of fact there were a few hookups at the end of high school while I was still in that relationship. Still I had somehow convinced myself that she was the only one I’ll ever have, anf I took it hard.
The next year another girl threw herself at me and the same cycle repeated. It was worse this time. I let it consume my consciousness and flunked out of college.
It continued to consume it while I spent the next year at home. I did get my act together somewhat, but continued to obsess on someone i couldn’t have, and who quite frankly wasn’t near the standards I should have had for myself.
I moved halfway across the country to go to another school. No sooner did I get there than I met #3. That relationship didn’t last long, but I did something interesting. I convinced myself afterwards that I had been deeply in love with her and continued to torture myself about it for an embarrassingly long time. During this whole time, there were dozens of opportunities with better women which I didn’t take. In fact, throughout my love life, I only ever caught the ones who blatantly threw themselves at me. A slight ammount of confidence and effort and things would have been a LOT better. (More analysis on this later)
I had two more relationships. One for about six months with this girl who had been disturbingly obsessed with me for years, (that was BAD) and then with my wife.
After that, I got focused on a career path.
Most of the mental problems I have were caused before this, though it would be years before I even tried to start fixing them.


#2
  • I forgot to mention that I am stacking Mogul in order to keep focused on my financial situation. I’m doing 3 Khan St1 to 1 Mogul.

  • I’m six loops of Khan in and the one thing that’s really come up is that the number one problem I have and that’s lead my life to a place that I don’t like is passivity.
    I’ve spent a lot of my life just taking what life gave me rather than perusing what I really wanted with energy and passion.
    As I mentioned, in the romantic realm, I only wound up sleeping with or having a relationship with the women who blatantly threw themselves at me. And I mean blatantly. If there was the slightest doubt in my mind I would not act. And actually approaching approaching myself, forget it. There were more than a few who did throw themselves at me, but I’m guessing that that’s for no other reason than that I’m tall muscular and good looking. That and I was unintentionally good at putting off a kind of angsty, brooding vibe that attracts a certain type of woman.
    If I’d gone for it when I wanted to, I could have had a much higher count with much higher quality women, not to mention perhaps some better relationships.
    In my professional life, I was passive as well. I did apply for jobs, but I didn’t aggressively do things to improve myself and make myself stand out from the competition. I tested and interviewed for similar positions hundreds of times before getting it. There are things I could have done to improve my odds, but I didn’t do them constantly because they made me uncomfortable. I avoided discomfort in practice and was instead uncomfortable in the interviews. The results were predictable.
    Hell, I had huge problems standing up for myself under many circumstances. Wether it was my parents or bullies who I frankly could have pounded into grease stains I would let myself be abused.
    The more I write, the more I realize that the reason for all of these things was simply that I could not (or did not, I’m really not sure) visualize a positive outcome, but damn was I good at visualizing horrible and wildly unrealistic outcomes to anything I considered doing.
    There are several reasons that I did this, and I might get into some of them later.
    It just occurred to me that this is something that I’ve been taught about in my martial and tactical training. It’s the freeze part of the fight flight freeze reaction. People freeze up in emergency situations when they don’t know what to do and I guess can’t imagine a pathway to a positive outcome. Holy Crap! I know what this is, and I know what to do about it. I freeze in social situations like the untrained do in critical incidents. I’ve trained myself to react to those, and I can do the same here.


#3

KhanQ st 1

9 loops Khan st1
2 loops Mogul

I may or may not keep up with tracking my exposure time here.

  • I have zero sex drive at the moment. The wife tried to get something going when I got home this morning but stopped because I was uninterested. She complained that I seemed distant and that I was grinding my teeth.

  • I also noticed that my tooth grinding habit has returned. I had gotten rid of it while on a mental health title from that other company, but I’ve noticed it was coming back a bit while on Emperor. Now it’s really back. That’s ok, this stage is supposed to cause some stress.

  • Last night while I was running it, I felt compelled to examine the chains of events that brought me to where I am. To look at the thinking, good and bad, which lead me to make the decisions that have shaped my life into what it is today.

  • I had a mild sub hangover and felt somewhat grouchy. I was thinking about how I am currently doing all of the work for a household of four people, and how I may just have a right to be annoyed at my wife and our roommate despite their medical excuses. These thoughts were not accompanied by emotional upset like they often have been in the past.

  • I do feel a bit distant. Like I’m just taking inventory and analyzing my life right now.


#4

From what I’ve been reading, I might not need to do as much listening as I am. Ten hours a night of Q powered subs might not be necessary, and truth be told, it was starting to feel a bit overwhelming toward the end of the night. I’m going to cut it back to 3 loops of KhanQ st1 and one loop of Mogul per night with probably two nights off a week.
I’ve only run TB for two nights, and it’s really hard to put my finger on what it’s doing at this point. I can feel something happening though.

  • I was lying in bed last night and I heard a certain kind of bird calling that I remember hearing at this time of year back in the state I was born in. I was immediately taken back to hearing that same sound when I was a little kid, and the feeling associated with it. It is a depressing sound to me, I have always found spring to have a feeling of depression and sadness to it. I don’t know why, but it goes back to my earliest childhood.

  • I still don’t feel much in the way of sex drive normally, but I turned on SMQ when I had the opportunity with the wife. Results were instant and extreme.


#5

I only ran three loops last night. It’s still hard to put my finger on what this thing is doing. I’ve noticed a couple of things that MIGHT be the result of the sub, but I have a feeling these are the early stages of what will be a relatively long process.

  • I have been having a couple of mental replays of times that I have allowed myself to be bullied and dominated. Unfortunately this has happened to me a lot throughout my life. I seem to have always presented and acted like someone who is easily intimidated and submissive. Something tells me that I’m going to spend the next however long backtracing the reasons for this.
    In these visualizations (lack of a better term, I am not doing this deliberately) I don’t just stand there and let myself be dominated like I did in real life. I react violently, viciously and ruthlessly. In the fantasy, I utterly destroy and dominate the person who was doing whatever to me. Sometimes it’s physical, sometimes I take power over them some other way, but it’s always a severe overreaction.
    These fantasies are nothing new, I’ve had them on other companies titles, and probably more when I wasn’t using any kind of self improvement tools at all. They are always totally immersive, and I’m not “there” for a moment. They are also accompanied by a near uncontrollable rage rising out of the depths of my mind.
    These last couple of times though, I’ve felt detached enough from it that I could kind of watch and analyze what was happening and why. I think I actually got an answer.
    In all of these situations, I had to (or at least I thought I had to) completely repress all of the negative emotions from someone imposing their will on me. I did not let them out in any form, so (this is the best metaphor I can come up with here) they formed little pustules of negative emotional energy in my mind. The fantasies are my attempt to let a little pressure out of them. It doesn’t work long term because the incident that caused it is still there, and to some extent I still feel like the person who let this stuff happen to him. Unless I’m way off base, what I need to do, and what I was trying to do with the rage fantasies is to convince my deep subconscious that I am a person who those things could never happen to. That’s why I’m running Khan.

  • I have also been giving some really deep thought to how my relationship with my wife. This was something I allowed to happen to me at every stage rather than something I chose. She decided that I was going to be hers and what our relationship was going to look like from the beginning, and she worked me throughout the years to get it all her way all the time. This speaks once again to my submissive behavior and letting life happen to me. I may get into more detail later.


#6
  • During my loop of Mogul I had the question “What can I do that people would pay me a lot of money for?” repeatedly going through my head. Hopefully my subconscious is working on that, because my conscious has no clue at the moment. I also had a major spike of high self esteem.

  • After my stack was done for the evening I started watching some YouTube videos on, you know, how women really work. Not the angry redpill types, they strike me as whiny children, but the more matter of fact guys. Some of it clicked. I started to see what I have done right in my dating life, and the many things I have done wrong. I must admit that I was so completely clueless that while I was doing a lot right, I was doing it completely by accident. This meant that I had lots of girls interested in me, they were not usually the ones I wanted, and I failed to recognize and capitalize on a truly horrifying number of opportunities I did get. If I had known then what I know now and had just a little bit of real confidence, it could have been epic. I am primarily talking about the period between eighteen, when I figured out that I could attract girls, and twenty six when I got serious with my wife.
    What did I do wrong? I became overly attached to the first girl who would have me, and when she left, I became obsessed with the concept that she was “the one”. I tried to get her back in all of the ways that give away my power and value. Of course, that lead to her both running further away and using me for money, favors and amusement. I didn’t know any better, but that was pathetic. It’s a damn good thing she went to college or it might have been a lot worse. I also ignored opportunities with much higher quality girls because of my singular focus. When I started getting over it, I would repeat the cycle again.
    What did I do right? (Disclaimer, I am genetically gifted by being tall, well muscled when I work at it, and good looking) While I was obsessed, I gave off a very intense vibe, but it wasn’t focused on any of the girls I was interacting with on a regular basis. So I came off as intensely focused elsewhere, and somewhat unavailable. This worked like gang busters sometimes. I came off as a challenge, and there were a lot of takers. Girls were trying to prove that they were better than the one I was obsessed with, or just trying to get me to focus on them when they didn’t know the story. I didn’t come off as needy because (while I was in fact needy) I needed nothing that any girl I talked to or went out with could give me. Any girl I talked to or went out with was just a distraction. This worked really well, though a bit randomly. I had plenty throw themselves at me, and even had a few stalkers. Now that I think of it, I see a pattern. While I was obsessed and going through emotional pain, I was a sex magnet, but the effect dried up when I started to get over it. Is that messed up or what? At least now I know why.


#7

Something that helped me find that was thinking about what I’m desperately trying to solve in my own life, most people have some problem they would do anything to fix, if you start with something you personally struggle with then you’ll be passionate enough about it to to figure out a solution or some other way to help, and it’ll be very fulfilling if you manage to help people with something you’ve dealt with.


#8

@COWolfe - a nicely detailed and insightful journal, man. Keep going. We are rooting for your success!


#9

It is not because you weren’t over it, it is because she hasn’t conquered you to the deepest levels. This is actually Red Pill/Dating at work, you were emotionally closed off… women are the relationship initiators. By being unavailable and (attractive). You actually give such a non-needy vibe off, that women feel secure around you.

It was not the fact that you felt emotional pain only(could trigger caring response), but the fact you really didn’t give your emotions to her.

I recommend reading
David Deida - The Way of te Superior Male
and

http://www.technicalgamebible.com/

(enough material to improve your dating, and understanding of women… if you want to get a bit more extreme Rollo Tomassi’s books are really good(although a bit bitter sometimes)

Your currency as a man is attention… you are looking left, she is trying to pull you right… as soon as you start looking right too much, and move TOWARDS her, instead of TOWARDS your own goals… you will become the women in the relationship(I know, these are stupid games… but apparently these are the dumb social laws we operate on). The most beautifull though, is when 2 people have equal left and right :slight_smile:


#10

Thanks. Though this is as much to spur my own thoughts as anything else.


#11

Ok. Breakdown is starting to hit me. As soon as I started playing Khan tonight I started to feel a ball of emotion in my chest. It’s really hard for me to describe because I don’t DO feelings.
Physically it feels like nervousness, but it’s not really connected to anything that would make me nervous.
There are notes of fear, sadness, and hopelessness. I remember feeling like this as a kid, I mean a very little kid. I don’t really remember what made me feel that way back then, but it’s a very bad feeling. I’m starting to realize that it’s something that I’ve been trying to hide and bury all my life.
Khan seems to be uncovering it. There’s nothing for it but to lean into it and trust that I can get whatever it is dealt with.


#12

The thing I forgot to mention about that ball of dread and sadness is that it isn’t that bad. It sounds like it would be, but at least so far, the volume on it is pretty low.


#13

I took yesterday off because I was off of work. I felt pretty good throughout, had some mental stuff going on that I really can’t put my finger on, but nothing particularly bothersome.

  • My sex drive is definitely back, and with a vengeance. It’s kind of come and gone throughout my Subclub experience, depending on how I was processing things and what I was running. All in all though it’s been increasing, and getting back to where I was in my twenties.

  • While I was driving to work I had something happen that hasn’t in a while. My mind focused on some of the mental abuse that I got from my parents growing up. This happened throughout my childhood, adolescence, and well into my adulthood. It mostly stopped happening while I was on another producer’s sub. In fact, it had me kind of had me reliving worse abuse than I ever actually went through. There was a difference this time though. I didn’t feel upset by it. I just kind of saw the scene in my mind’s eye, and didn’t feel the intense surge of negative emotions that this has always caused me. I was just watching, and was able to think “why would this upset me? Part of it is over, and the other never happened.”

  • A lady was walking by the place where I sit at work, and she asked me a question. She then found something to keep extending the conversation, and worked it into mentioning that she was recently divorced. Then she said “too much information right?” And kind of giggled nervously. I wouldn’t have thought much of that not long ago, but shortly after the conversation, it struck me. She had started the conversation by asking me if she was allowed to be in a certain area where I have seen her on multiple occasions before. She deliberately worked the talk in a direction that allowed her to let me know that she was available. And she emphasized the point to make sure I’d notice. She was hitting on me, but in a way that I have not understood until now.
    That got me thinking over my interactions with women throughout my life. I have missed hundreds of little hints like that throughout my life. I don’t know if it’s through lack of confidence, just cluelessness, or both, but I am seeing how many opportunities I’ve missed. Oh well, I’m starting to understand the subtleties now.

  • This evening I have added Godlike Masculinity Q to my stack. I’ll be running one loop a night.


#14

I was off yesterday because I was off work. I alternated between feeling good, and the phantom nervousness that ive been describing. Old memories keep coming to the surface, but I can’t be too much more specific than that because I didn’t write them down and they’ve faded.

  • The day before yesterday I had reason to believe that the post office had not delivered a check to an organization that I needed to have delivered to avoid some huge trouble. I started to feel extremely stressed about it, and planned not to sleep on my day off in order to run around and get that problem dealt with. I called the organization first thing in the morning and it turned out that they had received it, but the post office hadn’t sent me the delivery notification, so I’d been stressing myself out about nothing.

  • That incident did reveal something potentially important. While I thought that I had a problem, I was thinking that I tend to have some pretty crazy additional issues crop up to make solving problems or moving things forward a lot harder than they need to be. This is true, during the two years I have been struggling to get our financial troubles sorted out, I’ve been on the verge of getting there several times, only to have some really off the wall shit derail us at the last minute. I’ve had similar things happen throughout my life. It for quite a while I just thought I was a fuck up, and most of what went wrong could be attributed to me making a mistake or not paying attention. As I changed my beliefs, and got my crap together though, it increasingly became things outside of my control that screwed me up (like the postal service losing a certified letter)
    Once the stress abated, I was able to think clearly about the reason for that. It’s simple. I’m manifesting additional problems for myself. Why? Because I have a deep seated belief that things are more difficult for me than they are for others, and my subconscious continues to make my external reality match that internal belief. It’s even going to the length of using my majickal/manifestation ability to do it. Hopefully this coming forward means that TB is beginning to break down this belief. I’m sure I’m going to get the reasons for it coming to the forefront soon, but I think we have progress.

  • I’m pretty sure that the nervousness and sense of dread is being caused because that one core negative belief is being challenged and part of me which has accepted it is fighting. It feels like I am dreading a disaster of some kind all the time, even though there really isn’t anything to dread right now.
    Nothing for it but embrace the suck and keep going until it’s done. Getting rid of that one belief would have an incredible positive effect on my life.


#15

I am still running 3 loops of KhanQ st1 1loop of MogulQ, and 1 loop of Godlike MasculinityQ a night 5 nights a week with Tuesday and Saturday off. I am simply doing that because that is my work schedule and it’s a lot more convenient for me to run subs at work than at home. At this point I don’t really feel a need to modify that, and I’m not sure how I would if I did.

  • I felt a return of that formless dread occasionally on my day off. It seems that my days off are rougher than my days on with this one. It just occurred to me. It feels like nicotine withdrawal. Could it be that some of my negative programming is so ingrained that its like an addiction, and stopping it is actually causing a form of withdrawal? That’s very interesting.

  • As soon as I got back on last night, things calmed down and I’ve felt pretty much normal since then.

  • I’ve noticed that the dominant body language that I noticed on Emp and Stark has lessened. That’s OK, I’ve read that you can expect that on st1.

  • I am still planning on running stage 1 for a full three months to make sure that all of my negative beliefs are broken down and I’m fully ready to move forward.


#16
  • I’ve mentioned this before, but I just had an epiphany. Since I started running serious subs, I have had a recurring fantasy about somehow going back on my personal timeline to the year between when I flunked out of my first college and when I started my second, the year I was 22, and somehow taking a library of high grade subs with me. Since I started with Subclub, I’ve always thought of running Khan during that year. I just figured out why I chose that period of my life. Almost all of the negative programming that has made my life less than it should be was accepted and ingrained before that point, and it was the last time I really had the opportunity to reinvent myself. Everything after that was nothing more than me following the same patterns. Man, I wish I’d had access to this stuff earlier.
    I think that total breakdown might have been a lot more brutal back then, but it might have been able to work more thoroughly and faster.

#17
  • After my loops tonight, I didn’t feel the same anxiety I’ve been feeling since I started Khan. This time it’s restlessness. A deep sense of dissatisfaction with my life.
    I was thinking that my life is boring, I am not where I want to be and haven’t had many of the experiences that I want to. I feel stuck and trapped by the current circumstances of my life.

  • Then I thought about what lead me to this point. The answer, or at least one of them is, inhibitions. I don’t just mean fear, I’m no coward as I’ve proven many times over in a professional context. I always have had a very difficult time doing anything that I’m “not supposed to” do. While that has kept me out of trouble, it has kept my life a lot more humdrum than I wish it was.
    I have always craved wildness and adventure, but I’ve never pushed through my inhibitions to go get it.

  • I should probably figure out something to do that pushes my envelope just a bit to take action here.


#18
  • I was expecting my confidence to take a bit of a dive anyway while I’m on stage one. If it has, it’s a small one. I think maybe it’s just kind of changed tone. Emperor and Stark made me feel like THE MAN, but it was a strong visceral feeling on the surface. A close analysis of my thinking patterns on TB shows me that I seem to be just accepting very positive things about myself deep down. All of my life I’ve accepted certain negative things about myself as bedrock truth, such as that I am unattractive and incompetent. Well, I looked at it today, and found that I now just kind of take for granted that I’m attractive and competent.

  • My wife went off on me yesterday about the state of the house. This is entirely unfair because up to this week, I was working six twelves a week, and she wasn’t working. I felt more free to calmly speak my mind this time. I just flatly said what I thought without trying to hurt her in anger or worrying about how she’d react.
    This afternoon, she actually apologized for her behavior and said that she owes me for working so hard to keep our heads above water and keep the house in order.
    She has never spontaneously apologized to me like that.


#19
  • I’ve been having memories come up. I think that they are mostly the experiences that lead to my limiting beliefs, and negative patterns. Some are things that I’ve thought about frequently for a long time, and some are incidents that I haven’t thought of in years.
    I used to get upset and or feel angry, hopeless, or embarrassed when these things came up. This week though, I am just looking at them. I look at it and think about how I thought and felt about it then. Then I have a strong vision about how I’d think, feel, and react now, knowing what I know. The three exes that I fixated on come to mind. If I were to relive those experiences, it wouldn’t bother me, and if just move on to better things and live a better life. The residual pain seems to be entirely gone.

  • I have to say that Sex MastryQ is a F9:$king incredible program. My sex life with my wife has improved markedly since I started with Subclub, I think because all of the programs I’ve been using had SM in them. Since I don’t think that the first stage of Khan has that, I’ve been running SM ultrasonic during, and that’s brought things to a whole nother level. My wife said that yesterday was the best sex she has ever had, and lately it has consistently at a similar level. I don’t want to get too graphic here, but she had a certain rare physical reaction that I have never caused a woman to have.
    Everything about the act is better. I perform like I did in my twenties, but I am more aware of how good it feels throughout. I know just what to do to drive the wife crazy. It also seems to be effecting her. She used to be very passive, but is now putting more effort into it.
    She is flat out begging me for it on a daily basis. That’s actually changed the balance of power in our relationship.


#20
  • The memories keep coming up, but today they’re more coherent and focused on my first relationship. I’ve thought about that a lot before, but this time, instead of reliving pain, and or berating myself, it’s more like a dispassionate analysis of what I did wrong and why as well as what I could have done better. I can see the faulty beliefs that lead me to think feel and act the way I did, but I don’t feel the urge to kick myself about it.
    My first relationship was a shitshow interrupted by a dumpster fire. Why? Because I went into it with a very weak assumption.
    Up until I met girlfriend #1, I had a deeply ingrained belief that I would never have a girlfriend, and would die a virgin. You see, I had zero success with girls up until I met #1 when I was damn near eighteen. This was largely because I went to a very small rural school and I was marked as an outcast early in kindergarten. It is virtually impossible to get rid of that stigma in a tiny school once you have it, so the girls from my school wouldn’t come near me. Now, I did have some indications of interest as I went into high school, but I only recognized them in retrospect. I had already internalized the notion that I was repulsive to girls and was never going to attract one, plus I didn’t really know what to do about it anyway.
    We moved when I was in tenth grade, and I started at a school where I didn’t have the perpetual loser label. Unfortunately, I still had that internalized reality.
    By the time a female friend set me up with #1, I had some success in putting on a confident, cool guy demeanor. It didn’t fool any girls who had much experience with guys, but #1 (I’ll call her C) didn’t have much of any because her abusive parents had barely let her out of the house. Plus, she wasn’t real conventionally attractive. She was a bit overweight and had kind of a funny looking face. It did fool her. At first she did all of the things that a lower value female does around a higher value man, and pretty much let me do what I wanted with her. In short I was the one with the power in that relationship. At some point I lost that though. She had the ability to drag me into her drama with her parents, and at some point I started to focus on “saving her from them”. I encouraged her to step outside of the box they were trying to keep her in more and more, and her self confidence increased in a way.
    By the time we both went to college two years later, the roles had changed. I convinced her to go out of state against her parents wishes, and I desperately wanted to continue the relationship from where I went.
    She had some freedom for the first time in her life, and she proceeded to never attend a single class, get into drugs, and hook up with some really seedy guys. She also figured out that she had control of me, and told me about all of this with what I now recognize as sadistic glee. We went through a series of breakups and got back together when she needed something. I was clueless.
    Why did I allow this to happen? Because that old assumption forged in elementary and junior high school was still there just below the surface guiding my perceptions and decisions. Deep down, I still thought that I was so unattractive or something that I’d never get a girl, so I was holding on to the one I was “lucky” enough to get. I was of course completely unaware that that’s what was going on. When I started to lose the relationship, I panicked because I thought I’d never find another, and convinced myself that she was the love of my life to give a conscious explanation. Crap, that was a pathetic show on my part. I allowed myself to be treated like crap. The second and third relationship went much the same way with me remaining broken up about it until I met the next one.
    Now, it’s very interesting that I ignored quite a bit of evidence to the contrary to maintain that underlying false belief. The fact is that I got more than my share of interest. I hooked up with several other women during our relationship, and more during the year of college where C was playing yo-yo with me. My subconscious was really good at maintaining that negative frame.
    What should I have done? Broken up with her when we went to college as I had been planning from the beginning, and gone into college single. I had told her that was the plan, so neither of us would have had to deal with a rejection. I could then have taken the confidence I had built from having been in a relationship, and being the one who could walk away into my next phase of life, and possibly made some real inroads into that negative frame.
    As to the negative belief itself, it’s absolutely false and based on circumstances I didn’t understand as a kid. I went to a tiny fairy poor rural school and I had a very high IQ and was raised by intellectual snobs. When I walked into my first day, I was by far the smartest person in the room, but had no clue how to relate to the other kids. That doomed me socially because we were so small that there was no getting away from the same group of people. They continued to treat me the same way until I left, and lacking any other frame of reference, I internalized it. It wasn’t anything wrong with me, just a first impression I couldn’t get rid of.

  • Had another very successful use of SM. I’m starting to feel very cocky and self satisfied afterwards. My estimation of my ability is going through the roof, and I suspect it will have a positive impact on my interactions with women when I can interact with them again.