I just hit play on Khan stage 1. I’ve had great results with Subclub so far, but I feel that several aspects of my life are still stuck in a holding pattern and have been for at least the last three years.
While subs have been a tremendous amount of help for me for the last twelve years, and I am definitely a much better man than I was when I started to improve myself, I think that I need to do a hard reset and deeper reprogramming to get where I want to be. I have a feeling that the subs I’ve run before while they were effective at building me up quickly in some cases were doing so on a very shaky foundation. It’s time to fix that. I am planning to run at least the first two phases for three months apiece so that they can have their full and permanent effect. From what I’ve been reading, I may be in for a rough six months, but I’m willing to go through it if it lets me finally level up my life afterwards.
Here are my goals with this.
#1. Financial. We’ve been struggling financially for years, and barely holding on. I’ve done a miraculous job of keeping things from going off the rails with the help of Subclub and another producer, but haven’t been able to get to the point where we are stable and I’m not having to scramble to keep things from falling apart. I’ve gotten close a couple of times, but every time, some off the wall thing happened to derail the process.
I suspect that I actually manifested some of these on myself because some subconscious aspect has a hard time dealing with me succeeding and being in a rather stress free situation. That’s one of the things I hope Khan eliminates with the first stage.
#2. Professional. I have been trying to get into a certain profession for many years. I’ve been working in two closely related fields since 2003, and been hired for the job I really want twice. I still want in at this point. A big part of my problem is I have always lacked social dominance. I have always had a kind of meek uncertain personality for reasons I’ll get into, and this profession requires toe opposite. That had hurt me both in interviewing in front of people who can spot weakness, and in trying to get through the extensive OJT program.
This is actually why I chose to run Khan rather than EOG.
#3. Relationships. My wife used to be extremely domineering. I’d say she was borderline emotionally abusive, but she crossed the border and traveled most of the way into the next country. I accepted this for many years. I sat and took it, so she saw me as someone who it was ok to disrespect and abuse. This has improved greatly since I’ve been running emperor.
She’s not the only one. My parents didn’t treat me with the respect due to another human long into my adulthood, and others also didn’t. I realize that the source of all of these things was that I didn’t see myself as deserving of respect. That’s changed a bit, but for the most part it’s just gotten to a point of neutrality. I want to command respect when I walk into a room. I don’t mind being, as the sales page says, a polarizing figure who some people hate.
#4. Sex life. One thing I insisted on when I got involved with my wife is that I do not do monogamy. I’ve taken advantage of that a few times, but not nearly as much as I would like. Now my wife often isn’t able to due to her MS symptoms. She is quite understanding that I may have to find it elsewhere. I’d like to be much better with women as soon as I can come within six feet of them.
Personal History AKA why I need to run this.
I had some bad programming from the very beginning. My parents were both severely mentally damaged, and really weren’t in any shape to be raising a child.
They divorced when I was five, and at that point my father became the most negative person I have ever met, and my mother became a cold emotionally distant narcissist. (She was before, but my father took the brunt of it till the divorce). She seemed to need to prove that she was superior to someone, and I was the only target she had. My father was angry at the world and I was the only one around to lash out at.
This meant that I didn’t hear a single positive word about myself from age five to my early twenties. Unfortunately, this is when my self image was forming.
The divorce happened just as I was starting school and it distracted me and made me seem weird from day one of kindergarten. I went to a very small school, so I was marked from the beginning. In a small school where everyone knows everyone, once you are the outcast, there is no escaping it. So that meant nothing positive in school as well as nothing positive from my parents.
I’d say my schoolwork suffered, but I didn’t do any.
That kind of reinforced my image of myself as a loser.
It didn’t get better until we moved during my sophomore year.
Life was a little better at the new school. I had some friends, I discovered that I was good at writing for the school paper and got some positive feedback from that. Girls also started showing interest in me. Mind you, I was still shy as hell, but one of my female friends set me up with my first girlfriends.
Unfortunately, she was a hot mess with worse parents than I had and some severe budding mental health issues. I dated her for my last two years of school. Unfortunately I got way too attached. We went to different colleges, but instead of breaking up and moving on, I stayed in her cyclone of melodrama for another year.
I don’t really know why because the floodgates really opened for me that year as far as girls went. Matter of fact there were a few hookups at the end of high school while I was still in that relationship. Still I had somehow convinced myself that she was the only one I’ll ever have, anf I took it hard.
The next year another girl threw herself at me and the same cycle repeated. It was worse this time. I let it consume my consciousness and flunked out of college.
It continued to consume it while I spent the next year at home. I did get my act together somewhat, but continued to obsess on someone i couldn’t have, and who quite frankly wasn’t near the standards I should have had for myself.
I moved halfway across the country to go to another school. No sooner did I get there than I met #3. That relationship didn’t last long, but I did something interesting. I convinced myself afterwards that I had been deeply in love with her and continued to torture myself about it for an embarrassingly long time. During this whole time, there were dozens of opportunities with better women which I didn’t take. In fact, throughout my love life, I only ever caught the ones who blatantly threw themselves at me. A slight ammount of confidence and effort and things would have been a LOT better. (More analysis on this later)
I had two more relationships. One for about six months with this girl who had been disturbingly obsessed with me for years, (that was BAD) and then with my wife.
After that, I got focused on a career path.
Most of the mental problems I have were caused before this, though it would be years before I even tried to start fixing them.