-
I’ve never run a sub like this before. I’ve run things that have a component which is supposed to clear out bad stuff that stands in the way of the goals of the program, but never one where the entire focus of the program (Khan stage one) is to clear out all of the bad stuff. There is usually a more noticeable change in my thoughts and behavior because the sub is driving me toward something while all of the clearing out is going on.
I was finding it hard to really notice a difference in my thinking, but today it hit me. It’s not what I AM thinking it’s what I’m NOT. Once I really focused on it, it’s pretty clear that I have a lot less mental noise going on. In my current situation, I would have been envisioning every negative eventuality that could happen and dreading them. I’m not, I feel peaceful, and calmly optimistic. There are no extreme positive thoughts at this point, but I expect stage two to bring those. -
I’m still getting flashbacks to key moments in my life that led to some of my negative beliefs. I still react differently in most of them, both emotionally and with what I do. It’s almost like the memories are being replaced on some level. Not to the point that I don’t know what actually happened, but like the memory that will function on the mental and emotional level going forward is the good one (does this make any sense to anyone?).
-
It’s coming up on a month of running this. I don’t know that a full 90 days is going to be necessary, but I’m still planning on it at this point. I want the job done completely, and I’m not sure I could tell if it has been.
-
I was off subs yesterday. This afternoon when I woke up before going to work I remembered that I was dreaming. I have no recollection of what the dream was about other than there were voices and I think that they were saying something meaningful. No clue what that was. I only note it here because it’s very rare for me to even know that I did dream let alone remember one.
-
I continue to notice negative mental things that are not happening. The little negative mind voice is silent as far as I can tell, and I don’t think I have had any of my “random anger fantasies” in some time. I’ve had this thing for a very long time where I will think of something and it will cause a very immersive fantasy where I feel a lot of anger. This is usually something from the past like people who have wronged me. I usually think about something like beating the crap out of my first ex’s abusive dad. (I never actually did that) These really put me THERE for a few seconds and result in a feeling of rage, an adrenaline dump, and I may look a little odd if you catch me at the wrong moment. It’s been at least a week since that has happened.
-
I am thinking of altering my stack a bit and adding in Minds Eye. I’ll have to get rid of Mogul for the time being because I want to keep things very focused on one thing at a time.
It’s not that I’m bad at visualization, the above mentioned anger fantasies plus my lifelong tendency to get lost in daydreams show that I’m actually VERY good at it. The problem is that I’m not very good at doing it on purpose. I drift off multiple times a day, and the daydreams are immersive, involve all of my senses, and produce emotions almost as if the situations are actually happening, but I don’t mean for that to happen. Now, if I’m trying to visualize a goal to do a little manifestation or something, I strain my brain in vain.
If I could actually harness the visualization ability I already have, that could be a very powerful help for anything I try to do. Hopefully ME can help me gain control.
-
My stack is now KhanQ st1X4 and Minds EyeX2.
-
I felt a little odd when the minds eye loops are running. I attempted to visualize a couple of physical objects with some success. I had another random thought of a time when someone really pissed me off. It was pretty intense, and this time I was acutely aware of my energy field right afterward. There was a palpable heat all around me. I know that that means that I supercharged my aura with some really hostile energy. This could be dangerous if I don’t get some control over it quickly.
I tried to visualize some scenarios that I want to have happen while ME was going. It seemed like there is something blocking me from accessing that kind of visualization. It’s the same something that it’s always been, but this time I was far more aware of it as a kind of blockage. Hopefully ME and TB help me get through it. There has to be some kind of core belief that’s preventing me from using my imagination to help myself, but lets me access it so easily that I don’t mean to when the imagined scenario makes me angry. -
On the TB side of things, I’m feeling lost and trapped. I’ve been thinking about how far the present circumstances of my life are from anything I’ve ever wanted them to be. At the moment, I feel like there is no way I can change them or move forward.
I know that this is probably TB bringing things to the surface and forcing me to deal with some negative programming. I had prepared myself for a rough ride, and I’ll get through it.
-
I felt kind of depressed after running my loops last night. I have long felt that I’ve taken a wrong turn in life and it’s too late to correct it.
I know that that’s BS, but it’s something I’ve been dealing with for years and it really came to the forefront last night. Hopefully that means that I’m working through it. That’s one of the mental things that I would really like to see the end of. -
I tried to do some visualization of positive things as I was going to sleep this morning. I still felt blocked. It felt like there was some kind of barrier between me and the place I was trying to take my mind. I do not get why I can totally put my consciousness into a fantasy scene when I don’t mean to, especially if the fantasy fills me with rage, but I have such a hard time putting myself in a more positive visualization on purpose. I’ve only been of ME for one day of two loops though, so I trust that if I keep trying consistently, I’ll gain the ability.
-
A different question started swirling around in my head last night and today. I’ve occasionally asked myself “who am I” for as long as I can remember. I’ve always had trouble answering that. Last night was the first time one of my head voices has ever asked “who do you want to be?”. That implies that on a very deep level I am thinking that it’s possible to re invent myself and change the basic image I have of me. I am slowly starting to build the image of the man I want to be in my mind, though I’m sure that my subconscious already has the design.
-
Just at the end of my first loop of TB, I got another question. “How do you want to feel?”. That’s an odd one for me. I’m not a very emotional person, and don’t think in those terms often.
-
Tomorrow makes a month on Khan st1. This has been a much easier run than I thought it would be. From the description and some other people’s journals I was expecting major angst stress and turmoil. That hasn’t happened though. I’m not sure if that means that it could be working better or if it’s working very well. Possibly I’ve already dealt with a lot of what it would deal with. It’s definitely bringing up stuff that’s caused me a lot of pain in the past, but I’m looking at it in a much more detached way. I’m able to look at what negative beliefs I had, why I had them, and why I should no longer have them.
Something is definitely changing though, it’s just really hard to put my finger on. I can tell that there’s a lot less negative background noise in my mind. -
I’ve noticed a distinct increase in my alpha behavior already. I walk like I own the place. I noticed this on Emperor, Stark, a d PS too, but now it feels a lot more natural. I’m comfortable with it where before I liked the effect, but it still felt like it wasn’t completely ME. My voice has gotten a lot deeper. I also have noticed that I am a lot more naturally assertive. This is primarily with my wife. That’s partly because she’s the only other adult I deal with much. It’s great though because she has been borderline mentally abusive throughout large parts of our relationship. And this is only stage one.
-
Speaking of that, there has been a major shift in our relationship. She used to be extremely domineering, casually insult me, use me as an emotional punching bag. At some point that changed and now she is a really good wife.
My theory on that is that she subconsciously recognized that my value has increased. She definitely used to see herself as above me, but now she’s starting to see me as above her. There was no fight this time either. Every other time that I have started making progress with self improvement, she has really gone off on me and pretty clearly tried to halt my progress. This is pretty clearly a fear reaction. We seem to have skipped that part. -
The bad news is a couple of times I’ve casually insulted HER. I thought I was joking until it left my mouth and then realized it was really mean and not how you treat an equal. Not a trait I want to pick up.
-
I started a workout program this morning.
Good to hear that your wife is falling in line with your dominance because it seems she needed it. Don’t worry too much about the insults either. You know now.
Some of her anger problems are quite likely the result of her MS. (it’s a common symptom). I really don’t feel right about being vindictive for something that she might not have been able to help.
-
From what I’ve been reading, I might have been overdoing it with four loops of KhanQ, so I’ve cut it back to two loops with one of Minds eye.
-
What I’m noticing right after running my loops both the day before yesterday and today is a deep sense of dissatisfaction with my life as it is. The root of it seems to be boredom and a feeling of being stuck.
-
Odd. After my first night of running only two loops, I woke up feeling quite depressed. I don’t remember all of what I was thinking, but some of it had to do with thinking that I’m trapped in my current life circumstances. I remember thinking that I have found a great way to change myself, but it’s too late. I don’t know if this means that TB is working better or worse with the lower number of loops. Normally, when you start feeling worse it means that you’re overdoing it. But I’ve never done anything like TB before, and this feels more like the emotional turmoil I was expecting from reading the product description.
-
One of our female members mentioned thinking that she deserved better than her boyfriend. That got me thinking. I am starting to feel that way about my wife which is leading me to be annoyed at any number of big and little things that she does. It seems to me that I am growing as a person while she isn’t. She has a pretty good excuse for not, but the long and short of it is that she seems to have given up as soon as she got her MS diagnosis leaving me to pull all of the weight on my own.
I’m currently thinking about how I got into this relationship, and it isn’t flattering. I may get into more detail later, but the gist of it is that when we met she decided that I was hers and drove the relationship at every stage. For my part, I was unwilling to hurt her feelings, so I just let myself get pushed into it. I didn’t have the self confidence or sense of self worth to even consider saying no. That wouldn’t have happened to me now.
I don’t think that this means I’m going to just going to jump ship on a seventeen year relationship with a kid involved, but it does mean things are going to change.
Actually they already have. She generally treats me a lot better than she ever has.
-
I’ve added one more loop of TB for the last couple of days, and I have not had any of the depression I was getting after my loops and upon waking up. Nothing terribly drastic is happening, but I feel pretty good. My days off weren’t rough like they had been when I started with Khan.
-
What has struck me isn’t that I’m behaving differently like on subs I’ve used before. It’s the internal stuff that isn’t happening anymore. For instance, on paper, our financial situation is bad and could get worse. Before, even on other powerful subs, I’d be envisioning all of the negative outcomes and having a very visceral stress response all the time. Now I’m not doing that. I don’t really consciously have faith that it’s all going to work out, and I’m not strongly envisioning good outcomes. I’m just plain not thinking about the bad, and not worrying.
That’s not the only negative thought process that’s gone either. My internal critic used to cause me to viciously verbally abuse myself. That’s gone. I know there’s a lot more as well, but it’s hard to put my finger on it since it’s stuff that isn’t happening rather than new things that are. -
I’m starting to get the urge to switch to stage two. It’s not a strong urge at this point. I had originally Planned on doing 90 days per stage, and I am at least going to do 45.
-
Lately, everything feels, well, stabilized is the best way I have of putting it. Not much bothers me at the moment, I don’t feel super good, but I don’t feel particularly bad either. I am bored with my life as it is right now, but it’s not making me feel like I’m crawling out of my skin as I have previous times when I’ve REALLY needed a change.
I have not been thinking of the past nearly as much as I had been since I started TB. The traumas and choices that I should have made are not top of mind anymore. I’m not really thinking of the future a whole lot either.
This feels kind of like a blank slate type of state. That makes sense for total breakdown.
This actually feels kind of peaceful.
I’m going to give stage one a little while longer to make sure that it’s done the job fully before moving on to Total Reprogramming though. -
I have managed to stick with my workout program for a full three weeks. This is considerably better than I have done in quite some time.
-
I went to the grocery store a couple of days ago, and the crowd phobia and paranoia I got from working in corrections for so long was not evident. I also tried to make eye contact with every attractive woman I walked past. None of them met my gaze, but that’s ok. I didn’t feel any self consciousness about giving them a quick check out, and attempting to catch their eye.
-
My posture and walk continue to improve.
- This is a very strange feeling. I have a nagging sense of dissatisfaction with my current life. I say nagging because it isn’t particularly intense. It’s under the surface, and I just get glimpses of it when thoughts about something that just doesn’t cut it for me surface.
This could be one of two things.
-
Stage one has done its work and this is my subconscious’s way of letting me know that it’s time I moved on to stage two. I do get that sense that the sub is doing nothing anymore (which doesn’t mean it isn’t) and while I’m listening it’s just noise with no associated feelings. I seem not to have any fear of the future which would be associated with negative beliefs (Such as, bad things always happen to me, ect.).
I don’t really have much in the way of conscious positive beliefs that would make me look forward to an outcome either.
This is a very different place than I’ve been for the last fifteen years or so. During that time my goal driven positive side and my fear driven negative thinking were at war. I would convince myself that a goal, usually a professional one was right in reach. I’d take the first step, usually apply for a job. Then as the interview or other step in the process got closer, my fears would re assert themselves and it would end in failure and frustration. I would quickly focus on another and convince myself that that was the one. Rinse and repeat.
None of that is going on now. It’s just the present, with some parts that need to be fixed. -
There is still something major that I need TB to fix before moving on, and I’m just Now starting to catch conscious glimpses of it.
Thoughts anyone?
I can relate to your last couple of posts. There was a point in my Khan Stage 1 journey when I felt very dissatisfied with my current situation. It felt like a deeply buried feeling that came to the surface in Stage 1. I’ve since subconsciously found a solution, and naturally piece by piece started to look for a solution.
I know what will solve my dissatisfaction, and I’m working toward implementing. My mind is relentless, constantly working towards that solution. I feel it is exactly what’s needed.
Hang in there, you will figure it out. Give Khan more time to work.
I’m at 138 hours of Khan Stage 1, I plan to run Stage 1 till social interactions begin (minimum 300 hours)
- I had the first dream that I remember having in a long time.
I don’t remember too many details, but my son revealed to me that he was a demon or something born into a human body. I don’t know exactly what it said it was, but it wasn’t human and it was very bad. It was trying to intimidate or manipulate me into doing something, and was threatening to use some kind of power it had to harm my wife and some other people who are close to me.
Here’s the strange thing. I knew this thing was dangerous and I felt fear of it. I usually don’t feel any emotion in dreams even when something horrible happens.
-
I had another dream that I vividly remember. Again I actually felt somewhat emotionally upset by it unlike normal. I’m not going to describe this one here, but it involved severe boundary violations by someone who was in authority and I perceived as being more powerful than me in many other ways. I let it happen at first, but fought back in the end. It is definitely not normal for me to remember two dreams in as many days.
-
I saw that stacking Regeneration with Khan St1 might be a good thing, so I’ve taken Minds Eye out and added one loop of that to my stack. I want to get all of my remaining issues cleared out before I start building the new me.
-
The first night I ran Regeneration with Khan, I got that “this sub is doing something” feeling in my head. Right after I got through my stack, I kind of relived an experience in which someone had made me feel weak and powerless. This would seem like a small incident to anyone I described it to, but it seems to have really stuck in my craw because it’s come up in my mind again and again for many years. Oddly, I’m having a difficult time writing this. Whenever I think of this I feel anger rising, but I’m usually able to dismiss it within a minute or so. Just writing this has taken me about ten, and I’m envisioning how I wanted to react (which would have gotten me arrested) and all kinds of scenarios in which I get revenge. I’m envisioning it clearly, and experiencing an adrenaline dump. Fumingly angry.). I don’t know why this one little thing sticks with me so much. This is not normal or healthy. It’s like having a spot in your mouth that you keep biting.
-
I notice that I’m a lot calmer about little things. For the third time in a row, the higher ups at work only gave two days warning about some routine training I have to take after work today. This used to irritate the hell out of me. While I’m still not happy about it, I’m taking it in stride.
-
I didn’t mention it for some reason, but last week I got an award for exemplary service. I pretty much just did my job during the incident, so this came as a surprise. The organization I work for barely ever gives these out, so it’s pretty major. It looks good on a resume and anyone doing a background check will find it.
-
I just looked at the Q store. Day ham! I need to exercise some discipline or I’m going to end up broke and too Scattered to get any real results. I’m not buying anything until I have a solid plan for how I’m going to be using this and what for.
-
This morning as I drove home from work, I had some insights surface about why I deal with emotion the way I do (Namely, I don’t.). It’s because my father used me as his sole source of emotional support since I was much too young to be leaned on by anyone. I had to be the strong one all of my life, and that did make me strong, but it also lead to a kind of hardness and inflexibility. I couldn’t bend, break, or lean on anyone myself, so I just put all of my crap aside. I have also subconsciously put myself in similar situations where I am the one everyone depends on me all of my life. I’m in one now.
I also had the insight that the job I have wanted for so long aligns with my sense of purpose. It also relates to the tendencies mentioned above. -
I ordered what should be a good custom from the Q store. It’s based around Ascension and is heavy on the social and status effects with a bit of money and sexuality stuff thrown in. It should be a good base for changes I want to make down the road, and should show me pretty quickly how much of a difference name embedding makes.
- Toward the end of my run tonight, something was definitely happening. I felt great, energized and optimistic. At first I was thinking about the custom I ordered, but since I don’t have it yet this must be the result of TB and or Regeneration. At first I was thinking into the future. Professional and other things that I’ve wanted but always had that little feeling were impossible (you know that little voice that you barely notice, but robs you of the sense that what you are envisioning can happen) now seemed absolutely possible, and I was in a very immersive visualization about them. Then I went back about twenty years in the same state, and again relived parts of the year between one college and another, but as it could have been if I were using the tools and making the changes I am now. It felt like more than an idle daydream this time. I saw myself doing things differently, feeling different things, and it was almost intense enough that it could kind of overwrite the actual memories in a way.
Cool experience and it felt like some kind of breakthrough.