Khan / Spartan / Shifting

Journals - Major Programs
#162

experiencing alone
seeing alone
living alone
dying alone
knowing alone

thousands and millions of times at once. Endlessly repeating. Isolated within the hive connected yet separated. Collective consciousness unable to experience it’s collectiveness in pieces. Can an ant feel it’s colony? He is only a small piece. Alone in the hive. Too simple. Suffering, experiencing joys, serving beyond its sight. Living, serving, dying. All we ever get, is the experience.

All our needs and desires, so insignificant. Yet the biggest things for us. We will die, we will be forgotten like we have been forgotten over and over again. This is it. Like blood cells or stars. Nothing stays the same. Everything changes with time. I feel tired. Water maybe?

All we will get is the experience. Nothing will last. Nothing will stay here behind us. Not for long anyway. How much… do our actions matter? How much do our words matter? In the grand scale? Barely. To us? Fully. Now… what matters more to you? The hive? Or you? Probably you… you have to live as you. Driven by pleasure and pain. A mysteriously crafted design within us. I envy rocks sometimes. At least they dont feel bothered. They dont feel pain. They are not wired to survive and crave experience. They dont matter just like we do not matter in the grand scale. They in a way, pay less for getting less.

An ant cannot be anything else than an ant. It is its form. For now. And it has its time to serve as an ant. The best it can. The best it chooses to within the limited range of its will. And one day it will die alone. The form will change. Maybe… And all will continue.

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#163

Judgement
enacting judgement
flood and fire
destruction followed
by change of form

#164

But creation has its beauty.
Worth the pain. hah…

time to continue to be an ant

#165

I promise Im going to drink water

#168

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certain features feel similar

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#169

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https://youtube.com/shorts/8llpH96_uXA?si=Eu5nQgDhSaktdqww

dont cry dont cry dont cry dont cry
so silly today so feelsy

sd

#170

love - lust - adventure - wealth

#171

I can definingly see you slowly making your way into " spirituality " in whatever term or means work for you. Those are words of someone asking better questions, instead of demanding perfect answors

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#172

I appreciate the message Saiyan

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#173

These weeks have been somewhat challenging.
In a new way. So much desire to love.
To hold. To hold so roughly. So close.
We are so close.

#174
/

You were just another body
to keep my body warm
a temporary shelter
from a temporary storm

The artist of the pain
the only thing Im guilty of
is loving the whole damn game

they tell you Im the reason
youll never be the same
they are not lying

I dont want your love
I just want the chase

Ill let you see me out at one night
with someone you dont know
just to plant a seed of doubt
and watch the panic start to grow

Youll call me and Ill tell you
that youre acting insecure
the poison of my gaslight
I dont want forever

This isnt about you
you see it ever was
this is my disease and
I love the way it brings you
to your pretty knees

I’m going to make you just like me
you won’t even see it coming
you’ll thank me when I’m through
Now you look a little bit like me
and I look a lot like you

#175

Khan stage 4 - 6th cycle

feelsy and lovey dovey and horny and then sad and then more horny and then edgy and mean - this is a whole ass trip documented and it’s getting a bit too silly past few weeks

Khan st1 - 4 cycles
Khan st2 - 4 cycles
Khan st3 - 3 cycles
Khan st4 - 6 cycles

17 cycles total

Stage 3 and 4 immensely stronger libido but it’s not just sexual my mind is also much more focused on romance/love imagery than ever before. I wonder if they added some love scripting there since it’s “love and war” because something is definitely intensified for me

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#176

You are probably right. Love & War seems too Jungian to be pure marketing. Where the masculine " War " is refined to such levels, especially after running it so long it begins to work on the final piece… Integrating the feminine " Love " for wholeness. Perhaps something like " I can be loved without being weak " or " Power can include intimacy "… It’s curious to see the NSE at work for someone running Khan for so long

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#177

This is definitely a thought I had last night

#178

photo-output
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#179

Immortal he,
return…
to…
me

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#180

Cant fight these cravings in the night
Moonwalking feeling appetite

I could be up all night
but Im paralyzed when
the creature comes alive

I could be honest
I could be human
but I cant fight these
cravings in the night
moonwalking feeling appetite

Will the man become the monster
or the monster become a man?

#181

The person on the right looks like a badass gunship helicopter pilot.

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#182
rant

Sometimes you’re the hammer
and sometimes you’re the nail to the hammer
It is what it is. No one is an exception.

I pissed someone off yesterday
I gave advice and they got on defense. I misread the entire situation. It was not what they were looking for nor what they were capable of taking and utilizing. I was going to go talk to them and tell them I’ll leave them alone from now on so they don’t completely hate me because it slightly bothered me but I stopped myself the moment I realized it and left it alone. It was an opportunity for me to strengthen my weak link - the fear of being hated and judged. I will let them to their peace and I will let them think whatever they want. With practice and some time, I will be free of this fear. It is easier to execute and exercise power that way. If I would give into the fear and constantly try to avoid such things, I would be a slave to it. Paralyzing effect in my life. And how am I to hold power if I bend to any person. None of that. Not here. I feel I had come a long way in this. The idea of being okay with being hated. Disliked. Looked down upon or misjudged. It gave me freedom to both act or walk away about my day. And really, you don’t have to like someone to bend your knee. When it comes to majority of people, I’d rather be disliked yet respected rather than living in conditioned life to be liked by my environment. I don’t want to please. Sometimes I will of course but all of it will be due to calculated efforts not out of fear. A choice I can make. And most people’s opinion of me doesn’t matter. I ain’t theirs.

I see how my past has affected how I assume others perception of me. Most of the time I assume people either don’t care or don’t like me. And if they do like me, it’s more in terms of respect than anything. Maybe they like a specific detail beyond my ability to predict.

But even here I feel like I am mostly hated. A delusion perhaps. I had seen Rv hint to me few times it may not be as true as I think. It’s probably not that way. But I’d still rather say I’m okay with such vision and assume less - maybe be slightly surprised later but if it doesn’t come, I didn’t lose anything. I’m okay if 99.9% of people here think I’m an annoying dumbass. It’s fine. I probably did things that would make me come off as that. But I am free. I have nothing to lose. I learnt to be happy alone. I learnt to smile while others yelled at me. Finally I am learning defiance. And life is sweet even in its lows, I had won.

Anyways my face has changed a lot over the past month on shifting. More pretty and symmetrical. I was even told I look majestic yesterday. A nice word. Definitely the style I’d lean into in terms of my ideals. It made me happy.

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#183
body

I also lost 4 additional kgs on hephaestus. Intentionally so. I was told it was quite an extreme kind of thing and that I should relax and not try to lose weight while actively running subs for muscle gain and fat loss. It kind of hit me. A good point. It was harder too than when losing weight before. Much longer process. Usually I’d lose that in a month or half a month but this time it took 3/4 months. That says something about how powerful this shifting is.

Also

  • My body looks different
  • My latteral muscles have started developing
  • I’ve cut my hair shorter
  • again facial symmetry improved
  • I look nicer in photos and videos I take
  • overall nicer facial features improvements
  • more masculine body language
  • healthy posture improvements
  • I like my looks more
  • I look slightly thinner and yet more muscular / beefier at the same time
  • healthy frame
  • shoulders wider than hips

I realize I like certain features more like hunter eyes, stronger well defined eyebrows. I’ll continue to train my jawline I think it’s about time to continue. Iva had guys flinch when I was standing up and saying they thought I was gonna hit them / beat them up. I am not mean to them - in fact I treat them well so I assume I just look tougher now.

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