Khan Journal 2025 - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#126

I think I get it. That’s how I’ve lived.

“You might hurt me.
I might show you something you’ll use against me.”

So, I distance myself. I don’t want to NEED others.

And…all those “leaders” online don’t NEED anyone. Maybe…I could be free like they are!

Yes. I’ve been there. My story started in my young teens, and maybe …3 people…in the last 40 years…have gotten inside my heart.

I’m sick and tired…of being sick and tired…of being sick and tired.

I DO need people. But I’m fucking AFRAID of being hurt. And that wall…takes ME down daily. Life gets small…less meaningful…less desirable…it’s only pain.

And I breath…ah.

I took off from SC for some months, making my own subliminals and using another producer’s. I found some relief. I also found my fear of discovering my truths. I went in circles for a while.

Then, upon remembering many positive experiences here at SC, I came back. I snuck in, not writing. All I knew was pasting my “face”. I was afraid to be me. Vulnerable me. Fucking pissed off me. Scared shitless me.

I was reading my Gmails, something I don’t do but every few days (too much spam). I found out that you, James, had begun Khan. I was like “Holy SHIT!”

“If he can do Khan, I can. If he has the guts to do it…than maybe I can. Because I KNOW Khan can, and will, disrupt my (uncomfortable) life”

I said “F*** it! I’m gonna do it”

And Khan STILL scares me. But…

But LBFH is doing a strange thing. A very strange thing. I’m loving me. For the newly reading, that’s a profound “HOLY SHIT!!” change in me. I’ve been without self-love for…too long.

Love still scares me. Which is the reason I’ve avoided relationships in every part of my life. Love cares. Love heals.

But I’ve had traumatic experiences with love. That’s why I’m on both Khan and LBFH. To break through. To admit defeat to concealing my truth.

This is total change…for me

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#127

For me it’s about not wanting to ask for help or having to rely on anyone for anything. Everything is so transactional now. People don’t do things just because or because it’s the right thing to do. There’s always an expectation hanging there.

It’s fucking pathetic and weak.

The expectation that is. It’s overflowing with insecurity and neediness

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#128

Transactional. It sucks. I’ve done it.

What do you imagine will happen in most situations?

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#129

It depends on the situation. I would rather walk away. I refuse to be anyone’s slave

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#130

I’m gonna think on that James. It’s making me consider my own ways.

But it’s close to 10, and I’m up at 4. I’ll be back tomorrow.

And thanks. It takes courage to admit this stuff, especially when we’ve felt trapped by it.

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#131

Being an older guy at almost 57 I think once I begin Khan St 4 I’m going to stack it with Emperor Daddy. I’ve finally started to be able to accept my age and I want to take more advantage of my life experiences and see how I can mature emotionally and mentally. It’s so weird but sort of cool to look in the mirror every morning and see a grey beard

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Main Disc. Thread -- The New KHAN: Love and War (Now Available! Free upgrade!)
#132

Day 3
St.1 and LBFH tonight
3 minutes

Something is happening. I didn’t expect it.

I just replied to a text from my daughter. I just spit it out. I don’t have a good history doing this.

I raised my daughter mostly. I worked near her school in her younger years, so I spent a lot of time with her since I drove her to and from school.

But in those days, I was very reserved and controlling, all so you’d never see the real me.

And I walked into a conversation with her just months back, finding out she’s sold out to the liberal viewpoint. I’m much more common sense and conservative

I’ve been afraid I’d distance her instantly if I were honest. That cautiousness has held me for weeks.

I was just honest with her, and it came quickly. She asked how I was. I replied:

“Unsure how to talk to you. I’ve been afraid that a landmine might be stepped on constantly”

For me, this was weird. I’m so used to twisting words, trying NOT to say what’s really on my mind.

I read a conversation about Khan lately, guys saying it amped up their bluntness.

That it did.

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#133

That’s as blunt as you can get. Frank yet tasteful & considerate.
Not just about your viewpoints, but also about your emotions & struggles to talk with her.
That’s a good start. 2 people don’t have to hold the same viewpoint to have a good relationship.

Khan & LBFH really did it. You did it.

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#134

Made me cry since I have to let go of some very unrealistic and harmful expectations I put on her. Very selfish expectations.

These unspoken expectations have always been a power trip and hope I created. I did this. I am responsible for changing this.

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#135

Thank you for the encouraging words @Viktor :pray:

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#136

How is your Khan journey going? For me Stage 2 is much more emotional.

On stage 2, I’m facing much more brutal emotions than on stage 1. The last couple of days I felt everything from annoyance and rage to desperation. Often without cause.

So many emotions I never was able to feel, I denied myself to feel.

Khan is a a powertrip. I can feel it. But it’s an unpleasant one. But it has to be. Like sore muscles are necessary to become strong.

Also, I can’t motivate myself to get into most of my old copying mechanisms. Gaming? No. TV shows? No. Porn? No. Doom scrolling? No.

Reading your conversation and reflecting on m own journey helps. But not with copying but with processing.

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#137

I can really relate. While on St.2, my normal hideouts became seen as pointless. Those are life changing moments.

I’d consider one, but be simultaneously filled with a sense of responsibility for myself.

Sometimes I gave in. Sometimes I didn’t

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#138

Day 4
St.1 and LBFH last night
3 minute loops

TB is hitting something I’ve clung on to. I feel it almost every morning. I’m feeling it now.

It’s me pulling back from growing. I just remembered being in my 20’s and feeling the same “Hold on. Hold back. It’s safer if you stay home”. It goes back to a belief that I might not be hurt or rejected if I hide. Stay home. Be in my room.

I have a fear of digging into that more. But TB is working on it–because at the same time, a part of me is pushing to get out. Work doesn’t start until 630. But I set my alarm for 4. It’s not even 5 now. Got up, showered, got dressed, everything but my work boots—and that inner “Whoa!” hit me. I’m out the door once my shoes are on…or rather, nothing’s stopping me once I’m fully dressed.

And that point is hit again. Holding back (my known safety zone). I don’t have answers, but I’m going to do something I avoided last night (filling up some water jugs for work). I just need to step out. Kind of cool, the comparison :slight_smile:

I’m gonna let TB work on this holdup. It’s like a never resolved answer within myself.

I even fired up my laptop to write this. Typing on my phone takes a ton more concentration, finger typing. I sensed that part within me holding up there too. I’m out.

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#139

TB is working on me.

I’m not able to work like normal since my mind is rejecting those normal hideouts, those things that keep me distant from others. This is my norm, and I keep changing directions while working since my mind is not content with the blissful ignorance I live with daily.

It’s unfamiliar. One step at a time.

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#141

Day 5
Loops tonight

Facing something that I allowed. I’m hot about it.

I began trading forex with a new guy maybe 2 months back. I asked lots of questions beforehand.

Well, he’s a conman. I sent his requested fee last night. But he had made another trade this last week , making a profit. He didn’t send me the money. He’s requesting an additional fee.

Fuck no. Taking continuously and not keeping his word? Thief.

What I’m noticing is my reaction. This bothers me.

I got really livid last night. Healthy.

– I’m wanting him to be honest. I’m still hanging around, waiting on him to give.

This is exactly how I treat my brother, who’s local and who never changed himself.

I’m doing this same believing and desperate hoping with the trader. I put him in this saviour role, hoping he’d deliver for me. Why else would I continue this bantering with him?

None of this is healthy. I’m feeling locked in it. Fuck

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#142

I’m at work noticing similar hopes I put upon others

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#143

I felt ashamed since I complained this morning. Midday, I was driving around town thinking I sounded whiny.

That’s been bothering me–and it’s good. Khan activated today. By the very ordeal I endured these last 24 hours, Khan came in and began morphing my thinking.

I’m not even concerned about the trader. I’m caring for myself: and it looks and feels different. More mature thinking. Less paranoid about others like this guy…

I owned something in myself, and I’m like “fuck him. I’m giving my attention and control back to myself”. I felt more adult-like, if anyone can understand that.

I know I’ve felt very detached from life (a LOT of it) since I’ve been detached from myself. Like a back and forth dissociation from myself, especially when under stress (financial, relational…ANY stress). That’s a lonely, scary life. Scary because “someone might find out how dis-connected I really am”. It invites continual hiding and lying about how I am.

And today I felt like I grew some balls. Like I had enough strength to face life. It was all internal, and it was beautiful.

I’m trying to recall something Khan-ish that showed itself today…

It’s been 5 minutes. I’ll come back when I remember

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#144

I remember now. I was driving in town for work, and I suddenly felt strong. Confident. Capable. Not like a little boy hiding. It was very clear.

I wondered if K1 had allowed what I took in from St.2 to blossom. Because (I believe) K1 is just breaking you down.

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#145

Day 6

I did loops this morning. Forgot last night.

Whoa.

Just realized I come here looking for problems, as if I’m doing subs ONLY because I have problems.

I wanna change that.

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#146

I just began a movie, listened for less than 10 seconds, and shut it off.

Here’s why. I was avoiding this. Still am, on and off.

I’m kind of scared stepping into new responsibilities (in my head). I’ve been attracted to honest people around me, and the easy way is what I’ve done unsuccessfully too long.

I’m hoping … I’ll be like them if I’m just around them. But…the little boy’s driving that, essentially leaching off of others. I’m older now, and doing that means keeping my secrets and using everyone. I’m not ok with that.

It’s fighting me, and Khan is just changing everything I’ve lived like, like deep inside. Watching a movie is hiding from myself. And damn, it hurts now.

I don’t have control of this. I’m losing the survival bond I’ve had with my old self.

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