I saw my mom. Nothing dramatic happened. Moments before writing here I saw in my mind me being with my mom, but I saw myself feeling and being angry. I’ve not not not labelled my anger or clearly seen it, for I’ve rarely dealt with anger directly, much less felt it. Mind you, I FEEL angry a lot more lately running SC subs, but seeing it…no. An old fear exists where I’ll hurt people if I’m angry.
In my head (moments ago) I was acting out my frustration. I was in my mom’s hospital room, but I felt anger coming directly from fear. I was scared and angry since I’m going mentally into a new place knowing little of how I’ll…hide…in this new environment. Hiding me, the real me, is what I’ve done my entire life, and my feelings are of a young boy, not an adult male. I was acting out, seeking some (parental) attention.
I got a first wind of this when leaving my mom at the hospital. Her nurse was a young latino dude, and he had a helpful sense of humor with my mom. This was a nice approach given the fear of death and dying constantly. I relaxed when he was around since he was comfortably personal with my mom, and she was rather happy in his presence. She’d prefer a good laugh too vs. pain and suffering.
When I left her room, he was sitting with a female nurse just outside. He asked if I was leaving, I said yes, and he made some funny comment about something. I noticed me dodging eye contact with him, for my anger and pain was coming out, and I sought to be alone. I feared throwing it at someone sideways. So I left quickly.
Total Breakdown seems to be steadily moving. I had it running on my phone all while with my mom, and I keep it running 24/7 on my PC, even leaving it on while I’m away from home.
Now, here’s a positive effect of TB. I went shopping at the dollar store right after leaving. Some beautiful young Haitian or Jamaican woman with her momma was shopping. I noticed her backside. And coincidentally, I was in line right after them. I believe I heard her say “so, you made it!” but I was still feeling the slightly buried anger I’d felt 20 minutes before at the hospital, so I didn’t reply. I was just quiet. I noticed them even checking my stuff I’d picked up. The mom must have noticed my eggs, as after they’d paid, she slid out of line, coming back with 2 dozen eggs right behind me. I was quite aware of the slight sexual tension amidst all this. I even thought of @amash’s day of looking and feeling pudgy in public, but girls were approaching him. I felt good remembering that, despite feeling such powerful emotions. Like I could be desirable even with powerful and potentially dangerous emotions brewing inside me.
I then went next door to KFC to get some dinner, which isn’t something I normally ever do. A young cute teen served me, and like I planned, I stayed to eat. I’d imagined beforehand I’d hide there too in a back table, but for some strange reason, I sat facing the counter, feeling like I owned the place. Other female cashiers served customers too, noticing me. It made me feel more confident, so I didn’t rush. I felt powerful. (And my original thoughts had been “I’m gonna hide”. ???)
I then came home, put my groceries away, cleaned up my bathroom, and finally did some work on my scooter since it’'s been down for weeks. Something was pushing me to finish up things I’d started, and the things I did have been on my mind all week.
TB is very active in my thinking. And just like with Ascension and Emperor, the effects show clearly when I get out and interact with people. They are my “mirrors”, showing me what I’m actually putting out. This makes TB is a very desirable sub to run.