Yeah, after reading Claude’s answer I read the reviews and the description of DEUS again to check whether I misunderstood, because I don’t see it as a masculine title and like chatgpt also took it as masculine, but my impression was that it boost across time so as to make the most out of titles, kind of like an alpha version of the new adaptive scripting.
And yeah, the reviews also found it maybe too intense, so in a packed custom I can only imagine, they also suggested omnidimensional, and how it may help with finding diverse ways to heal, it could also help boost wisdom.
My understanding, is that I have trouble taking action because of doubts, and overthinking, these due to just how much I was criticized as a kid and how I felt the need to adapt to anyone like a chameleon, losing my self-respect and learning how to not listen to myself, and not expressing unless it was going to make consensus.
Hence, my teens have been mostly reading about non-verbal communication, psychology, how to read people, along with learning a ton from all domains in science as a kind of escape from not really having a social life. I both envied, admired, and despised those whom I saw as “having it easy”, being social and connecting with many, though I learned better since and know now that they had as much problems as I did, they didn’t “have it easy”, they just acted while I stayed on the sidelines…
for the past 10 years I’ve been working on becoming more who I want to be and less who people want me to be.
though, it’s a long process dismantling beliefs and reshaping the mind.
but this whole thing, this life, teached me that everything is fluid, and all can be changed, based on beliefs and perception, including belief and perception of the self and the self in relation with the world.
Anyway, here I go rambling again lol, but yeah, all that to explain what link I make between actions, lack of actions, and healing.
it’s true that Regen is about letting go and resting, but I don’t see action necessarily taking an effort to do?
The effort for me is mostly in convincing myself that I am worthy of gaining what is there to be gained.
It’s negociating with myself that even if it’s scary to act in ways that may fail, and even if a failure could possibly paint me in a bad light or make other reject me, (though it is not even nearly close to certain, but even then), it is worth it to try. Because the chance that others would abandon me if I fail at anything are close to nil.
Like, even when others assure me that they love me, and don’t want to lose me, even when they say that after seeing these sides of me, I have trouble believing them.
Because of how little my self love and self esteem is.
It’s less intense than before, I learned to trust myself quite a bit more than when I was that nihilist teen, but it’s still present.
And this fear and lack of solidity in my self-love and self-esteem has to be eradicated from the depth of my mind by the end of my life. I got 40 years.
It has to be, and the sooner the better, because I carry a genetic seed of narcissism.
all women down the maternal line (my mom, grandma, great-grandma) got NPD, blowing up at the slightest feeling that they aren’t other people’s upmost priority.
They break at the tiniest perceived slight, because their self-esteem is fragile, and because they kind of externalize validation and love. Instead of loving themselves and being solid in themselves about their own worth, they pour love in the external people when they made them feel worthy. It’s a conditional interested love of course, because if the other person do something that’s being perceived as an attack, the person will automatically become an enemy. But it is love nonetheless, love that they should be directing toward themselves.
And I got that seed in me. I tame it with reason and with self-soothing techniques, but it was really active in my teens.
this seed of narcissism grows from a lack of self-love and lack of self-esteem, due to externalising these onto external uncontrollable factors.
Hence, the more I gain self-love, self-respect, and self-esteem, the more I will be able to extinguish this seed, gain a control over my life, and continue to be a pleasant person liked by others
I felt the need to write “liked by others” but that’s externalising due to fear of being rejected. a sign that I have still some way to go. But at least I realise it.
We may only work on what part of ourselves we perceive.
We may only change what we want to change, what we feel needs to be changed.
to see something as needing to change, we need to perceive it, evaluate it, and judge the evaluation as not fitting what we desire.
only then can I want to change, and therefore change. which I do on the points I exposed.
In any case, thank you so much for your help @MAkh , @jelly
ARES - Merciless self-criticism (harmful)
perfect