Also, EOG is telling me, dude, stop worrying about money. If someone’s interested in helping you out, let them. Don’t take away their joy of giving.
Take help, don’t be too prude.
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Laying by the pool and chilling. Found a cute girl but didn’t approach, saw her with family. And her eyes were on me, she was turning towards me repeatedly and biting her fingers. Once she just turned back and smiled.
Also, I have the best stamina and fitness among those with whom I came, even though I don’t exercise or workout like any of them.
Fun stuff 
I believe daredevil and wanted have a role in the stamina aspect.
And, even the girl that she was next to. Later she started to look towards me. Visibly nervous, walked past her three times, she kept glancing at me and then she would see me and look away a little into the distance.
I am going to date someone my type and on the same wavelength for sure. Sometimes I feel a little low when I’m by myself, not always. It’s because there are no attachments currently.
So yes, I’m facing this, this loneliness kind of a feeling. But I haven’t got lost in it, it passes by quickly.
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Inside out v/s outside in.
Outside in is how most of the world, I’d say 99.9% live.
Inside out is how just .1% of the world live.
At any given moment.
When I live inside out with the appreciation of the infinity that is me, I live infinity.
External in has always been about limitations.
Meditation. Spirituality. Yoga.
These are great for living in the present, but not for building the future.
I’ve regularly done each of these, and each of them have got me extremely focused and present.
However, in terms of achieving goals, or building the future - NADA.
To build the future, you must be focused on the future. Ofcourse, there are present responsibilities to take care of. That’s just the necessities that need to be take care of.
The future? That’s a different ball game. Brainwave Audios, Hypnosis, none of them boost as much as taking raw action.
They help, but nothing replaces action.
Subliminals from SubClub are the most powerful tool currently, apart from external knowledge that I acquire through reading and ideas.
Action always trumps.
Subliminals + Raw Facts Reading + Action = Massive Results.
No fiction. No self-help.
Only, and only REAL LIFE.
Everything else is an ancillary activity. Just there, for some points that just taking action can’t do, or little nitro boosts in results. But, never the entire focus.
Distinctions.
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Met an old friend yesterday. Normally, I would feel out of control or like I’m an inferior one. When I think about why, it seems to be about me deep down thinking I’m not enough. That, others view me as inferior.
Yet, yesterday. None of that. Completely in control and expressive. The growth is massive and I believe even he could see it. There was visible respect in his eyes.
Considered him as a bestfriend although with most relationships, I used to take the nurturing role.
But now, I take the role of being authentic. Being me. I can feel the breakthrough as I’m just typing this.
I have successfully trashed most of the past patterns that weren’t serving me and now I have better ones.
Amazing stuff.
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I just had an epiphany that took months!
I would try often to fall back to the old me, and feel extremely terrible when I couldn’t and feel “I’ve lost my way”. But that is me realising, that’s just not me. But, as a force of habit, I’d just fall back into my old patterns. This is huge!
I’m 22, and I often feel, I missed my chance in life. In music for example, I’ve written 1000 sounds, love it, but then never got a chance to take it full-fledged.
I keep comparing myself with some young talented musicians, who had their break very young and feel - That could have been me!
In fact, even in my chart, it’s written - music is his thing! Yet, that didn’t happen and I feel - am I knocking on the wrong door now?
But, I’ve had another journey. That is what I’m doing currently. And, it’s fulfilling in its own unique way, although it never compares to music itself. I mean, music takes over my entire world and reality. It is like my “rose tinted glasses”.
No doubt, it’s what I’d do if I had no constrains what so ever.
Coming back to it, there is no denying, that the chance was missed and regret at 19 years of age is brutal after the kind of childhood I had.
In fact, even though I have RMV Vibes, I just don’t have the confidence to run it. Fearing, what if it doesn’t happen. I know I will probably look back and feel, you dummy! You should have run it regardless!
Made some choices that I regret, but I made them under the pressure or impression that - this is what is expected out of me! Not, what does my heart want?
I’ve looked at turning the world upside down and what does my heart want as two different things.
I suppose, that duality hasn’t been integrated and thus, the polarity of my personality, which gets quite draining.
Maybe this is what my ex referred to as Bipolar.
I’m curious, I blamed her so much for the way she would put things across, sometimes extremely rude.
Maybe, that shined light on parts of me that I didn’t know I had - and this got into this intense self development process.
It’s peculiar, just how deep this self development goes.
I feel, although I know I can be whoever I want. Currently, I am the person who goes through tough battles and takes on challenges 100x greater than where I am, grow into that person, then teach.
That teaching part of me is just that, the one that wants to express. To be heard and felt this is the transformation I’m going through, and I’ve gone through. Maybe this is that place where people have listened without judgement, because I have authority.
May be that’s why, this gave me respect in a way that hasn’t occurred through music - which was always met with - What’s the point of music?
Somewhere, I internalised it, and I know just how damaging it has been.
And, there has been trauma bonding with Music at least. The death of my favourite musician, sent me spiralling into a state “He is talking to me! How can I honour him! I need to work hard to be like him!”
It all felt so real. It was like I knew a brother. Someone who spoke to me and mentored me.
Divine? Felt so.
And, there’s this anger that I like to do things with principles but the world is anything but principled.
That, the entire game is rigged against me.
Music is what my soul sings for. I mean it’s what I was born to do.
Teaching is to maybe communicate what’s not stuck through music. Music #1 tho, no doubts about it.
Ran IC, got a girl messaging me that I met long ago just for a brief moment and helped her with her career decision. She’s got a Bf but she’s talking to me behind his back, after he’s gone to sleep. Nothing flirty from my end, not interested anyway, but she seems to stay up quite late to talk.
A friend, who’s a girl, but stopped talking with for whatever reason, messaged me and wants to meet up.
Talking to friends for the first time feels pleasurable.
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My biggest hasn’t been that I won’t get it. My biggest battle has been that I won’t do it.