Journaling Matt [2023]

[Matt]

Two dreams written down today:
First one was about an indoor sport event and I lied to the runner team that I am part of the cyclists.
Then I jumped to the goal point to get something to eat. But a member of staff told the cook that I cheated. I asked another cook for food, but the member of staff told him, too. So, I asked the member of the staff where I could get food of the same kind, and he recommended me a restaurant nearby.

The second dream was about the end times and walking next to a tank around on a journey against zombies.

Both dreams were rather comedic, and I don’t know how to put them into a story. Then there was a third dream without the comedic vibe, which I don’t remember because I was half asleep after it and only imagined writing it down.

Now I am listening to the sixth loop of genesis and then to the second loop of rm:uwx.

[Matt]

Noticed random people approaching me. Might be from the aura of genesis. They mostly ask for money or cigarettes. One time I did just continued walking. Probably will do that more in the future if this continues. Might be a downside of being approachable.

[Matt]

What I also noticed during the run of genesis were more sexual thoughts than usual.

Today I listened to one loop of stage 1 of Khan Black. I guess I will run this title solo until stage 3 after an upcoming washout.

After listening to the first loop I feel good. If I notice anything else like dreams I will report here.

[Matt]

This night (after a rest day) I had sexual dreams. Can’t remember the details, but that’s not so relevant.

[Matt]

Dreams haven’t been intense tonight. Perhaps these vivid dreams came from running rod a while ago.

I have to finally start my washout- no subs until Monday.

Sexual thoughts and sensations were less today. A woman smiled at me and I didn’t notice anything else special.

I hope I follow through with the washout.

The plan is still to run Khan black after that. Maybe restart the sexual energy course from charisma school.

Had some good results with the course in the past. But never got really far into it.

[Matt]

Still on washout. Noticed porn got less interesting. Also less sexual thoughts in daily life. But more focused on sexual organ area as if it’s my new center.

Thought about running a sub today but luckily decided against it.

Monday will be my next loop of khan black.

[Matt]

A few loops later I added in some genesis zp.
Time flies by today somehow. I have not much to report regarding the subs so I journal a bit.

I don’t like my day job as a programmer. It’s sad that I will keep it because I don’t know what else to do. My writing career seems to be over. I will publish 10 of my old stories soon, but I don’t enjoy writing new ones.

Let’s find my purpose. Genesis could do that. It’s all I remember about the sub.

I am skeptical about my results. I notice something in the beginning of listening to a new sub but later there seem to be less results.

Maybe I should move on. But there are not many options left. I tried so much in the past, had some successes but nothing sticked.

Feldenkrais was nice. Reichian body movements, too. Maybe I should restart those.

I never got into meditation really. I didn’t enjoy that. I had spiritual transmissions for some time which brought me into states of which I guess meditators reach. Being present without thoughts and letting go of the character I play.
But the people giving those transmissions vanished from my life.

Magick had some successes, too. But lately less so.

Now I am at the point where nothing works. It would be wise to do nothing. But I can’t stop.

I am no longer a seeker. But the shell of the seeker keeps on searching.

Every morning I think I don’t want to live anymore when I wake up. It could be depression but I don’t feel depressed.

I got interest in NDE and the after life. I came to the conclusion that I will continue to live. The thoughts are not important. Annoying yes, but not important. Many NDE people talk about life reviews. I sometimes review my life and see what I have done wrong. It’s over and I can let it go, but I guess after death I will see the story again from all the perspectives.

So what now?

I will continue kbc stage 1 with genesis.
Don’t know where this takes me.

Hmm. I am bored.

[Lion]

Must be Khan Black: The Crucible. It’s reconciliation is very subtle and gives a different sort of feeling bored due to not feeling reconciliation like negative feelings.

Am going through a period where I don’t feel like writing either. It’s okay. Let it be that way for a while.

Stay strong, bro .

[Tobyone]

Makes me think of what an old mentor told me once… - Life is not boring, you are boring!

[Palpatine]

Wonder what a young mentor would say.

[Tobyone]

@Palpatine

Wonder what a young mentor would say.

Hakuna Matata probably

[Matt]

Doc, Tobyone‘s old mentor is dissing me on the internet again.
What did he tell you?
That life isn’t boring but I am.
Life itself can’t be boring. Life is what boredom refers to.

[Tobyone]

…

[Matt]

Today I found a new goal to get done. I attribute that to genesis zp. I don’t want to disclose it yet. It may take up to a year and seems worthwhile. It includes a new custom which I want to stack with emperor later on. Ultimate writer will get a come back, too. First I have to take action on the new goal. Plans are already made.
Currently it’s past 2:22 am here and I can’t sleep what I attribute to too much caffeine intake earlier.

Emperor was a sub I enjoyed in the past when I was testing the q prototype of it. I was no longer interested in playing computer games at the time because I saw it as a waste of time. Currently I am not socialising much and playing computer games with old friends is a major socialising activity. I guess I will have to find some replacement for that. I am already not enjoying it as much as in the past.
Emperor also gave me an aura of authority - when it clicked. That was interesting too and visible in the reactions I got from people.

I call today the day 0. The day before beginning a new journey. In 2024 I will see if this journey was successful.

I hope to get some sleep soon so I can begin executing my plans later this day. I already took some action today because it’s better to start immediately when there is momentum.

As soon as I want to reveal my new goal I could start a new journal. Currently I am journaling privately about it.

Cheers,

Matt

[Matt]

Day 1
I somehow made an all-nighter which made me productive in the early morning hours. I don’t have to work today. Continue to get some stuff done and will go to bed early. I think adding emperor to my stack can wait. After my next washout I can add Ultimate Writer to the stack. I don’t need an attraction sub at the moment. I hope that the new custom comes before my washout and I can play one or two loops of that. So long I am listening to the major titles of the two cores.

Thinking of starting the day early from now on. 5 am would be great. I could write in the morning and exercise. Also grocery shopping. I would have to get to bed early, too. Which would be no problem, but getting out of bed is. So far it’s just an idea and I will see if it works.

I have to use the momentum. Hopefully I don’t crash tomorrow morning.

[Matt]

Day 3
Listened to the two major titles today. Planning to add KBC again into the mix. Did take some action on my goal. Tomorrow is a work day. I am curious what will happen. It’s launch day for one of my projects. Gonna be interesting.
Now I’m relaxing and going to sleep soon. Maybe listen to kbc on Tuesday as third sub. When the custom arrives it will be only two titles in my stack and I can add rm uwx.

I have to take more action towards my goal, but at the moment it is okay as I am just beginning.

[Matt]

Day 4
Rest day. Asking myself if my custom is a bit redundant. I have two cores for the same goal and also an additional module. Maybe I should no longer create customs on my own in the future but ask for feedback. Now I’m thinking that maybe I don’t need the custom and just run one of the major titles which I have as core.

I guess when my custom arrives I will reveal it here. Still it has some power to not talk about your goals with everyone.

When the custom arrives I will probably already see some progress towards my goal.

Maybe I will remake the custom in three months with a single core, but first I will check it out as it is.

Tomorrow will be another listening day and I will listen to Khan Black Stage 1 and one of the major titles for my goal.

[Matt]

End of day 4
I can’t wait to reveal my new custom and get some feedback on it. Or to see the results. But first it has to arrive.

The launch at work today went smoothly. Now there will be some additions to it. Then the final check for it working in about 10 days when a few hundred thousand users arrive because of a mass event. That will be fun.

It’s 11:30 pm here and I can’t sleep yet. Too much caffeine in the evening again. Now I’m drinking tea without caffeine to relax.

I feel better in the past few days. I also got the feedback from family that it seems like it. Working towards a goal gave new meaning to life and is fun, too.

Last year I was very ill and I think I am finally recovering from it. That’s good.

Then there is a little thing bothering me. The trash cans of my apartment building are full and I still have stinky trash in my flat. So I have to wait until they get emptied. The only solution I currently have is to let a lot of fresh air into my room. Hahaha

I like only having this small problem right now. It’s tiny and I guess tomorrow the trash cans will be emptied.

Tomorrow is a listening day and I have to decide if I run major title a or b. Maybe I only run Khan Black and none of the two major titles. I already listened to them yesterday and less is more in this situation.

[Matt]

Day 5
Today I listened to one loop of Khan Black.
And this morning I could finally bring the stinking trash down. It seemed like the whole house was smelling like it when I brought it down the stairs. Fun times.

[Matt]

Day 5 - evening
Threw in a loop of one of the majors of my custom cores.

Work was effortless. Now I’m relaxing at home with a glass of tea.

I have an app to track progress on my goal. It’s going forward.

I could be taking more action and I hope that will get better with time.