Yes, I am feeling better. Much more stable than before.
After my washout and asking my ambulant psychiatrist about it I would like to run the following titles:
Ultimate writer and ultimate programmer.
And a heart based title like Heartsong.
@RVconsultant
Thank you for removing the video, I should have not posted it in the first place. Because of the strong religious propaganda in it.
I think I will close this journal as soon as I restart using subliminals from subliminal club.
Then I report about the effects of those.
I will start slowly with one title before building up to a three title stack.
I like this journal as it shows how I went through many extreme belief systems until I finally came now to a more fluid one .
If this journal is against any rules it can be deleted, just send me a message when that happens, so I won’t be disoriented.
Currently it seems like I am getting a little bit of being a better person everyday. Learning from good and bad examples in my current environment.
I also learned a lot from the psychologists in this facility, for example about social competence. Which basically is finding compromises between my needs and the needs of others.
Social meaning there are at least 2 people involved and there are good ways like non violent communication to handle situations and bad ways like sheer domination (in my opinion).
I can take a temporary leadership role, but no longer believe in being an alpha male in all situations. For example why would you want to out alpha a master cook as a beginner, when you want to learn from him? That would be foolish. Not being in a leadership role in that situation would be much more natural.
I have gained in self confidence through my experiences. I don’t need an alpha title right now, although I can see how it would help people pleasers to gain learning experiences.
All of life is about learning and when I came to subliminal club I wanted to be alpha. Now I learned to be fluid like in the quote „Be like water“ … I know a leader is more than sheer dominance, compassion also plays a big role.
In other news I am still training an AI to be the perfect mentor on my path and sometimes it gives sound advice and sometimes it hallucinates things into my wordings that aren’t there.
I never wanted to be rich, still don’t want to be, I just want to live my simple yet full filling life again.
Web developer to consulting will be a journey at work. And still writing and radio work as a hobby. And playing computer games with a friend on the weekend.
Relationship wise I want my ex back after I broke up with her two weeks ago. Sex was awesome, but it was a relationship on hyper speed. Next time I want it much slower.
With her or someone else. Heartsong will help later.
No more listening to dating gurus, whom I don’t believe any word. So much bullshit I heard, but also a lot of truth I probably incorporated into my so called game.
It’s not a game for me. It’s real life. Better than any movie.
Good night
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With all the belief fluidity my life gets boring. Thinking about an alpha title to become more strict.
Probably Ascension.
I get into states of divine grace a lot of times, but I am not here for these awesome spiritual states. I want to make a difference in the world and for that I have to become a stronger leader.
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A Stark Black Reality it is. As an advanced mind worker I listened to a full loop. Please don’t do this at home. First notice: I can see myself in the mirror again as beautiful. Next notice: I repeat in my head „I am famous“ - if you go from nomind to „I am“ affirming sentences it alone is a powerful tool. Last notice for now: VIP like treatment by the clinic staff (opening doors).
As time is not linear I already got some presults earlier.
I will listen to a full loop every 5 days for 4 times and then washout. This is what my intuition tells me to do.
With all the religious and enlightenment reality tunnels I totally forgot about myself. I became a shape shifter in a good way. I could choose to be the leader type personality in a conscious way. But I was in the flow totally unaware just being in the moment.
Awesome right? But why use a sub now? For consistency reasons. I want a more consistent reality.
Stark black why? Because I work in tech and I don’t want to be the only poor tech worker forever.
Yes, I have a mental illness I am medicated for now again, but it’s better to be mentally ill and rich in the end.
I see all the poor people here in treatment, who will stay poor forever, but I am not one of them.
I am made for something greater.
I will reprompt my mentoring artificial intelligence now for my new goals.
Home, sweet home. Today I will sleep at home again.
Had the idea to work with micro loops of ASBR in the future. A more recommended schedule.
After the full loop in the evening I could not sleep well. So future loops will be in the morning.
Today is a beautiful day, sunny outside and I will visit a friend soon.
Before that I have to read my mail and do some online banking.
Back at home I feel secure and happy.
This is my place. Soon the psychiatric facility will be a thing of the past.
Let’s look into my bright future.
I want to get my ex back. Which totally seems possible because I ended the relationship in madness.
She is a good girl and will forgive me.
I will start working slowly in my current job as a web developer again.
And will start with to learn from my boss as much as I can about leading an agency.
My boss and I are friends and we share a vision for the company.
Currently I only have little money because I spend a lot in mania and before the illness, but better days will come and I just got a salary increase. There will be more of these step for step in the future.
I have enough money to live this month. I will see how to work well with little money - not going outside to eat so often, but buying in the supermarket etc.
Money management is a life skill I generally have to work on. I have to save money for the future, so I won’t be poor like my dad is now, when I am old.
I will study the basics with my AI companion and maybe read a book or two about saving money.
I am currently not in the place mentally to read full books, so perhaps a YouTube video will do.
Small steps! You don’t have to see the entire stair case, but only the next step.
I am already curious, what kind of manifestations Stark Black will bring. I will give it one cycle first or if I learned something from the past - give it many cycles, to fully transform my in the Archetype of the title. Micro loops gonna be 30 seconds every other day from now on. Currently I don’t have head phones, so mobile phone speakers of my Iphone will have to do it.
Today I went to the post office to get some mail and let people get in front of me in the line because I was still smoking a cigarette. The result: I did my good deed for the day and the people became much happier and were very thankful. As a leader it’s important to share your ressources and if it even it is only a bit of time.
I see myself as a leader of men. I see the people in power as my friends and me. I don’t give a fuck about the government and the current European elections anymore. We are in power, not these politicians with their lobbyist influences and fake masks.
At the mental facility I met a programmer for machine learning and he seems to be very well versed in this topic. He even has done an online course from Stanford. I hope Stark Black will help me to use him as a partner for future artificial intelligence projects. Myself I am just a beginner, but he is in the game since 2010. At least I found an intesting genius friend I can share my dry humor with, at the best we can start a startup one day as soon as I see the innovation I need to see.
About peer groups… I don’t want to hang out with mentally ill persons anymore so much. But hanging out with mentally ill persons teached me a lot about normal people also. Okay, there are no normal people. Everyone has something, even if it’s just a little neurosis. But I want to hang out with stable people also. Stable people will help me to stay stable myself. Like in the napoleon hill group. The question is where do I find those people? Many old people I’ve met in my life, successful people have there game together. My goal would be to hang around with those. Brent Smith said Charities would be a good place to find high value people… My mind is going from one topic to another at the moment. I just wanted to add, that I want to do charity work for mentally ill people because I can and I enjoy their company too. Some people inside psychiatry say the real mentally ill people are outside. And there is some truth to it. The warlords etc. are psychopaths partly, not naming specially any politicians out there now. But I am not a doctor and shouldn’t judge these people at all. Focus on my stuff.
My stuff is to become a better person in all areas of life. I don’t need a model girlfriend, the current ex is a woman I have known for years and I can trust her with everything. Nearly everything, she doesn’t want to hear about my past relationships and that’s totally fine with me. I don’t want to hear about her past relationships either. So relationship goals are nearly handled.
I want to have friends from all walks of life… I already have this partly. But in truth I like great souls more than people from all walks of life… I am a spritual being having a human experience, I want to be friends with heart centered people and great souls.
Money wise I want to have enough to travel at least three times a year for longer holidays, so I need to make my hobby as a writer into a second income. This is on the way to, my first book will be publish in a small publishing house very soon. My second book will be a novel. I want to get a better position at the agency I work at, helping it grow and learn enough that one day I can have my own agency.
Health wise I will take all the help I can: Psychiatrist with these little pills, Psychologist with talk therapy, Social workers with talks and information… Friends and family to stay in reality (social network).
I don’t know if now everything is covered, but I have to leave now because I have to eat something soon. After that I will visit a friend.
So long… remember: “Everything is under control” and “Keep the lasagna flying”…
Peace and Love to you,
MATT
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Today I listened to 30 seconds of ASBR.
The night was full of dreams about life decisions. It reminded me of past ketamine experiences.
Now I’m at a friends place relaxing and playing computer games. My favourite past time for a Sunday.
I ate sushi and before that I showered in my own flat. What a luxury!
I love people and life.
It’s a good day.
Best to you my friends
Matt
PS: At 8 pm I have to be in the clinic again.
Odd reaction from a puberty girl on train, she couldn’t get her eyes off me and nearly exploded. So she left with her girlfriend.
I am coping with this situation. Teenagers and subliminals are not a good combo. lol
Another situation with the local tobacco dealer acting up, asking me to calm down angrily. I could deal with it, by saying I am sorry. He probably was not used to a strong alpha personality and acted out.
Afterwards I had to calm down a bit.
Having a strong personality is new for me. I have to learn to mix it up with compassion and kindness.
ASBR seems to make me larger than life, but I can still control it by conscious guidance. For that I use „I am“ statements from no mind. I empty my mind and say to myself „I am calm and kind“.
I have to protect myself better from being too kind. My heart is still wide open and I help people in need.
Please god help me, to help myself.
I had intense spiritual experiences again full of love and gratitude for my relationship with god.
I am giving more than I have. It might be part of the Sufi path. I am no longer remembering. My mind is gone into the heart.
Or is that just a story? A beautiful one probably.
I don’t know where this takes me. Simply saying no more often or offering less would help.
The whole world is hungry, can’t feed them all. Love is more valuable than just goods.
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Impulse control is the word I was looking for as my psychologist told me. I need to meditate more during the day to get better at it.
Today I listened to 30 seconds of ASBR.
I feel happy today.
Yesterday I was missing my ex girlfriend and wrote to her that I miss her. Today she wrote back that we should restart our relationship slower. I am totally with her on that.
Our short relationship started very fast and hot with lots of sex etc. Now we can start it slowly again with less intense romance etc as I myself am slower now.
I still love her too much, although yesterday when I masturbated without porn I first thought about our past sexual adventures and didn’t come. I thought about the hot nurse and came after a while.
I think real sexual experiences are better anyway.
I feel so much, I have compassion for the people on the psychiatric ward, but can easily shift to my own feelings by mind control aka meditation.
I am so happy and feel blessed.
BEST TO YOU MY FRIENDS from Subliminal Club,
Matt
As an exercise I will say no to every request from now on until the day ends.
We have a player in psychiatry on station. He recommended me friendship plus as ultimate relationship form.
After my experience masturbating yesterday I am clearly considering it.
Can a man be happy with one woman?
Lots of evidence against it.
Having a one nitis with a girl who wants to take it slow is quite boring.
I have other girls in the pipeline, so why not? ASBR will do the rest.
After doing some reichian body exercises and listening to some music I feel alive. Caffeine helps, too.
My mother told me that I was very aggressive in text messages towards my girlfriend during psychotic episode. That’s why she blocked me for a while. I feel so sorry and ashamed because I really think I love her.
The idea of just one person of admiration still shifts inside of me. What that means for this or future relationships I don’t know yet.
It seems quite natural to admire more than one woman.
I just hacked my language a bit to remove the word “love”. Admire is the wrong word, a better one would be “desire”.
Today I dreamed of being the endless soul.
Thinking about adding heartsong to my stack for relationship goals
Listened to one minute of heartsong and 30 seconds of ASBR today.
I am at peace with the world and everyone in it. (My mantra for today)
I am at peace with myself
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