Journal of Matt (from bullshit to reality)

Journals - Major Programs
#81

Back at home I sleep a lot. Dreams and half dreams are working through the stuff I experienced during mania and psychosis. I will start working again in 2 weeks and will be just at home for one week before that.

Managing some stuff at home and seeing my girlfriend. Yes, she came back to me two days ago and we are still together.

Sex is not really working at the moment because the condoms I own are two small for my dick. Hahaha. And she cannot take the pill because of allergies or something.
So I will have to find better condoms for my wiener. It’s not that big in my opinion but xl condoms are not thick enough.

At one point I will read through this journal but at the moment I cannot manage that crazy output I had.

I remember jumping from religion to religion at one point, ending up believing nothing.
It still seems to be a good starting point for a critical mind.

Today I listened to 1 minute of heart song and 30 seconds of ASBR.

I am currently in a good mood.

I haven’t found m digital type writer yet, so I have to write with a bluetooth keyboard, which I am getting used to.

Have a Nice Day

Matt

#82

Sunday fun day.
Maybe add a sexual title to the stack?

#83

Thinking about adding Sex Mastery or Diamond to my stack. ASBR seems to not show itself yet, but I am also not pushing in that direction. Even thinking about dropping it.

Had a few rejection letters for my writings.
But that’s okay, I think I am established in the local scene. Maybe not as what I want to be established for, but as the crazy writer guy. No, I don’t know. Will visit a writing group I don’t want to join tomorrow. I am just looking for some inspiration.

I feel abundant in the books I own. Now I just need to read them. Maybe something like limitless would be a good fit for that.

I can’t stop jumping from stack to stack, but I should and I can. So I will stay with heart song and ASBR for at least 21 days.

Not thinking about other titles would be a good start. It is just a freaking loop hole I always get into.

Thinking about getting more out of my current stack is allowed. Like thinking about my goals and visualisation and taking action towards them.

I am happy with my fresh relationship with my girlfriend. Recognise happiness in the moment.

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#84

Sex with my girlfriend isn’t easy. We cuddle, and I get a hard on, but when we put the condom on my penis gets weak. I hope other condoms would be a solution, but I am not really hopeful about the situation. Years of porn abuse seem to be the problem. Meanwhile, I can stimulate her by massaging her clit and so on, but I want more. It’s really not a nice situation for me. I am even thinking about asking my doctor about the blue pill. It should be no problem.

Other solutions would be more invasive, as she doesn’t get along well with the pill. It would be expansive to get vasectomized. I don’t know.

Overall, it’s all in the head, so I should stop worrying about it so much. Maybe even DIAMOND could help.

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#85

For me it was one year of hard work to go from completely limp porn abuser to good erections.

KB helped a lot this year with the remnants of pornabuse.

And interestingly since I started Primal last week, I often wake up because I was rolling around while sleeping, on my hard on. So lots of erections while sleeping additionally to morning wood…

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#86

I am not totally limp. Just putting on the condom makes me limp.
Next plan is slightly larger condoms plus lube.

Edit: My vision of putting lube between penis and condom was bullshit. A quick google search turned out that this is a bad idea because the condom will swift off.

#87

Often this is not because of the condom, but because you’re distracted from being aroused so the erection vanishes.

I had this problem for a long time.

But the more I recovered from porn, the easier it got.

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#88

I have stopped using subliminals for a while.
Thinking about restarting with Primal and Khan Black Stage 1 at one point.

All in all, my life is difficult currently, as I am deeply depressed after a manic/psychotic episode.
I am slowly getting back to work, but can’t concentrate enough yet.

My headphones will come back from repair soon, so I will be able to use them again.
In the past sessions, I had to stick to my iPhone speakers.

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#89

Tomorrow I will get my headphones at the post office.

Thinking about starting Genesis.

I am currently unhappy with my job as software developer and want to find my life purpose.

I don’t know what to do exactly to earn money in the future. I have no clue. Let’s see where this takes me.

#90

For the past cycle I have listened to micro loops of primal nights mostly before I added primal to the mix.

I will stop using primal nights with the next cycle as I haven’t seen the expected effects with my girlfriend.

Now I’m at a friend’s place and can’t sleep, so I read through my past journals from this year.

It was a bad year, but in the end I am doing better now. I think I have a clear enough head again to run subliminals again.

I have great hopes for primal as being a mini-khan. I hope I can stick with it until I see results.

I am also thinking about running khan. But I need to be more consistent.

Now I am going back to trying to sleep .

Cheers

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#91

I decided to run Dragon Reborn Red. Today I ran a 50 seconds micro loop. I began with 30 seconds and added 10 seconds each loop.

After the first loop, I could not sleep and was ruminating about a complicated work project. It was like fear was running my mind. The next two loops, this didn’t happen.

Next I want to add another 10 seconds and then use 30-second increments to find my sweet spot.

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