Jim's Journal - The Seeker of Truth (RM/RoM/LE)

Not at all, brother. Your questions were the reason I took the time to type it all out, and for that I thank you. I like it when people are direct and honest towards me and make me think about my shares here. I do not get offended that easily. I think your statement about the judgemental part was spot on and the questions were honest. That’s all I ask from other forum members, to be honest about their thoughts.

I was born and raised in Amsterdam tho, we are known for our directness haha.

1 Like

I decided to change AM for LE for the time being. It’s not that AM is bad, but I feel that LE helps me build in some disciplines that I need. For an instant, this morning was the first time in 1 month that I did a morning meditation for about 30min. It was the change beliefs meditation of Joe Dispenza. It’s so weird how well that one works, but still, resistance is strong when it comes to Joe Dispenza meditations. This makes sense, because it works deeply on me. I have been eating badly for 3-4 weeks straight now. Every day I was eating something unhealthy.

Today is the first day that I eat clean without that much resistance. I was focussing on the belief “I only love to eat healthy, healthy food makes me feel amazing and I don’t need anything outside of me to change my internal state” Well it worked! Sometimes these types of meditations (And subliminal) feel like you put the disk out of the computer, rewrite it, and put it back in instead of shouting to the monitor lol.

Also start to clean my room and cook for the rest of the day. The morning was absoluut hell tho. My mind was racing and I was extremely angry and pissed until me friend came. I find it difficult to be alone these days. The moment that I’m alone, all the negative thoughts are coming up. Still didn’t use tho and I’m happy about that!

1 Like

I was watching a scene from an episode of daredevil today. There was a moment the girl was standing in the middle of the woods and I heard the silence of the woods. Can’t wait to live in nature in the future, far away from the city. I know right now is not the right time, but man I’m looking forward to it.

I did the meditation again today and it helped me so much with my anger and pain. I will do that meditation every morning when I wake up for sure. Looking forward to the new meeting tomorrow

Interesting, do you have a label for your beliefs? You say that you can feel God’s presence in your life, how does that feel like?

Since God has helped you before and you have a special connection with Him, I wonder if for you developing a stronger personal connection to God will be your way of healing, growing and developing yourself as a human being. This could be through meditation, prayer or some unraveling of the deeper layers of your soul so that you may be closer to Him. That’s what I feel will help you :pray:

I tell you: ask, and you shall receive; seek, and you shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and everyone who seeks, finds; and to everyone who knocks the door will be opened.

Luke 11:9-13 FBV

1 Like

It feels like a warm blanket when I meditate and focus on the space around me. It whispers to me when the shouting stops, especially in the morning. I always labeled my beliefs to be spiritual. Believing in the Laws of the Universe instead of calling it God. But mostly the synchronicities. To give you an example, I’m starting my business right now and I have no clue how to start. Adding the loneliness to it that I know entrepreneurship can give me, gives me more resistance to start. I really like my colleagues and I will miss them when I’m gone. But still, I feel deep inside me that it’s the right choice, even when I don’t understand it.

Every time that I doubt it, some youtube video comes up about the freedom of building your own thing and expressing my own thoughts. I have a lot of insecurities about my grammar, my speech, and my thoughts. Who am I to share the world my idea’s? But still, there is this force that’s pulling me towards that business idea.

Thanks for this, I needed that. Sometimes it feels a bit weird to focus on NA and religion while my work is buzzy and my business is starting. But that’s my ego that cannot understand the power of belief.

1 Like

It was a difficult day. I had call duty at work, which means sitting beside a phone all day and answering questions about the school, problems that the students have, and newcomers while answering e-mails. And I was sitting alone all day long which is dangerous for me because my head starts racing. Not to mention I can’t sleep past 4 AM each night. I don’t want to stop Semen Retention, but that stuck energy part really has to stop now. I need my sleep and I need it now. Still, I did use any form of escapism. When I felt lonely, I went upstairs to talk to a colleague of mine instead of eating badly or using other substances. I feel that the meditations are really working.

Since I’m using LE again I feel so much better. For some reason, my mind just understands that sub, it’s the same with CFW. It works instantly. To give some examples:

  • After this heavy day, I still went to the grocery store and bought all types of food to prepare for tomorrow. Normally I would have called it a day
  • I start making my bad out of nowhere, starting to clean my house and getting things in order.
  • I do not mind rewarding myself after a day of hard work with a movie. But for some reason, that’s getting really boring. Instead of watching a movie, I started to type this post and share my thoughts
  • Most subs like Stark, Chosen, and AM make me feel really motivated. Like I have to grind and build something. It feels like a rush of caffeïne. LE doesn’t do that. It’s this nice, steady, and slow energy that just makes me want to work and clean things. It’s also the only subs that make me like mundane tasks. Without LE today would’ve been an absolute nightmare.
  • I did one yoga practice this morning for 30min and did my morning meditation for 30min with heavy resistance, but I persisted.
  • I decided to not go to bed around 9 PM because I wake up at 4 and can’t sleep anymore. I have seen so many self-help books and gurus talking about the 5 AM club and getting up early. To be honest, I have my best nights of sleep when I go to bed around 10-11 PM and wake up around 6-7 AM. I love to wake up early because it gives me more time to do my things. But if I’m really honest, my internal clock doesn’t like it that much and I start to understand that and respect my body. This is a difficult thing to admit because I identify with waking up early.
1 Like

I was listening to a new podcast with David Goggins today and he said something that made me fired up. He said “Don’t do what I do, find you’re own truth, and don’t just copy me”.

I love that he said this because I sometimes struggle with the same thing. How many coaches/teachers I have come across that talk about “This is the blueprint, you follow this and you become successful”. Yeah maybe you get successful, but is it your success or are you just copying somebody else? To me living my most true and authentic self is my purpose in life. I don’t want to live somebody else’s life, I want to live mine.

That’s the reason I stopped listening to podcasts and reading books for a while and just sought my own answers. That’s why I named this journal the Seeker of Truth, maybe I should call it The seeker of my Truth. People are just quoting each other and not saying anything authentic. I don’t mind that people read and get knowledge, but don’t just copy the whole thing and speak like it’s your truth.

I still respect people when they do that tho. Everybody has his own path in this life. But I thought I was a bit weird thinking these types of thoughts. Now I’m starting to understand that my journey is just different from other people. Nothing wrong with that, just different.

I started to read and listen to knowledge again because I love learning. I can discern what is mine and not mine. But it took me a while to learn those skills, to not be a copycat.

I think RoM and RM are helping me with that. I only want to be me and nobody else.

3 Likes

Yesterday I worked my ass off. I listened to RM and LE in the morning and got some recon from it. Went to Amsterdam to teach a class and gave them my all. I was so tired after that class and I had another appointment with my business coach right after class. For 90 minutes we dived deep into my values, my skills, my mission, and whatnot. I took the train home and felt so tired, so exhausted.

When I came home, I had this feeling of “I want to check up on some of my student’s work, I want to prepare some classes” but I was like “I worked so hard today, I should get some rest right?” I opened up my laptop, cooked some dinner, and started to watch some punisher. I did not read the bible or the koran while feeling the urge to do so.

After around 30min I started to get intense recon, but really heavy. I thought it was because I was angry that the delivery of my blue block classes was dropped off at my neighbor who is never home. When things are not in my control, I get pissed. Went to the store to buy some cookies to get some sugar in and let the recon go away. It worked a little bit and went to bed.

In bed I got the cold sweats again, heavy dreams, and just a terrible night. I woke up so tired and angry and I was like “Jezus wtf give me a fucking break. I’m trying here to get my life in order and I get punished all the time”

I went outside and started to calm down. I took a step backward and looked at my situation. I realized that I was in this victim mindset and that the Universe is testing me. Yesterday was a test. It was a test if I already understand that living mediocre is not my way of living. Yes, rest is important, but I can take much more then what I’m showing now to the world and I got punished for it. This morning I passed the test and felt a sense of peace and serenity.

I’m starting to understand that I’m not here to “relax” and go to the bar to get some drinks and whatnot. I’m here to teach and be an example. That’s something my business coach also was telling me. I’m starting to learn more about myself through this trial and error and I’m grateful for it.

Today I’m going to kill it. I will give everything I have to my students, I will work my ass off and tonight I will read or meditate

4 Likes

When things don’t go the way I want them to go, I get frustrated or angry. There is this underlying belief that says “I want everything now and I want to have no problems”. I want to live in the perfect place with nature and silence, I want to know exactly what I want in life and I want to have amazing relationships with friends and family. Since I’m sober, these thoughts became heavier than ever before. Especially when I feel that it’s not fair what’s happening to me or to the world. That puts me in an ungrateful state that’s sometimes difficult to switch into a positive state.

It feels like my brain is fighting and fighting and fighting, but I stay in my lane. Especially the combination of RM/RoM/LE is something my brain doesn’t want, but my soul longs for. I have this urge to read spiritual books and understand the unknown. But my ego says that I need to rest and chill, but it doesn’t want to do the things that give me actual rest like meditating, walking in nature, and reading. It’s funny how these games are played in my mind. It feels like a little kid that’s angry because it doesn’t get the candy he’s wining about to his mother.

I like this tho, I feel the change within me taking place. I feel freer every day, even on my worst days. I went to an osteopath and he explained to me that I have a leaky gut and he’s going to help me treat it. That means:

  • No gluten
  • No sugar
  • Almost no caffeïne

Kind of a Ketogenic hardcore diet that cleans my gut for 6-8 weeks. I started laughing when he told me that because I told him I am a recovering addict. It’s already hard enough to work and don’t get depressed, now I can’t have any guilty pleasure or I get punished heavily for it. I have to eat clean all the time and be very careful with any stimulants.

On top of that, I live in the middle of the center with constant artificial light, noise, and loads of people while I’m highly sensitive. I wake up every night around 3-4 AM and can’t sleep anymore. I feel so tired all day and can hardly focus.

Of course, the thought came “Why me? Why do I have to get to these extremely hard situations while I just came out of a depression?” and then the thought came into me “You know, why not me?” I can handle this. I’m scared shitless because of my business that starts, I’m constantly stressed and anxious while working extremely hard and trying to get things moving. I’m learning to let go and deal with my ego every day. But that motherfucker is testing me.

But you know what? I’m strong enough to handle this, that’s why I’m in this environment. I know for sure when I’m 30+ I will live on a farm with animals, a beautiful family, an amazing purpose, and quiet time around me. But right now, right now it’s the time to get fucking nuts and get tested all day long.

Can I handle all these tests? Because if I can, I can’t even imagine how great my life is going to be. I’m looking forward to that while being present at this moment.

I’m forever grateful for SubClub, I’m grateful for all of you and I’m grateful for all this shit that I have to endure in this life. I’m 27 and my life has almost been a pain in the ass all the time, but I see what it brings me in the long run.

Like Inky Johnsen said "Some people are here to preach about it, I’m here to live it

Peace

3 Likes

There are 2 underlying beliefs that are “controlling” my life right now and I’m trying to deal with them.

  1. Only something outside of me can change my internal state.
  2. I need to have everything right now and everything needs to be perfect.

The first one I see coming back countless times when I feel reconciliation, sad or bored. I want to eat something with sugar, watch a movie or talk to someone to change my internal state. My brain is conditioned to think that only something outside of myself can change my internal state. Before I did this with gaming, drinking, smoking weed, and watching porn. After that period I used training and sports to change my state, but because of injury I can’t right now. That’s a thing I could not understand. Why do I have these injuries for years and are they not going away? I think I figured it out.

There is only one thing that works to change my internal state and that’s spiritual discipline. Things like deep meditation and yoga can alter my state as nothing else can. I feel intense resistance to do these things, even though I know they work like crazy. It’s a recurring thing in my life. I know what works, but I have difficulty sticking to it.

Small steps tho. One small step at a time.

3 Likes

Oooooh, the Universe is testing me brothers :joy:

Still holding on for dear life tho. I was so stressed out today that I broke when I came home. I cried after feeling so tired and stressed, but it did relief some pain. Gotta ease up a bit with listening to the subs. Recon is heavy these days with everything that’s happening.

One thing I learn from all this, I’m on an aligned career path that’s for sure. I was so tired and stressed out while teaching in front of 15 people. Making mistake after mistake (In my head).

In the end, some students apparently went to the teacher that came after me and told her how much she learned that day. This teacher texted me and was like “Damn, you really did something today didn’t you?”

I was like; Jezus, even on my worst days I’m making an impact while not trying to make an impact. That’s the definition of being on an aligned career path.

It was such a shitty day that it was amazing. I’m getting tests all day long with 3-4 hours of sleep for weeks now. I know this is making me stronger, I just know it.

5 Likes

I feel weirdly happy? Today I cut my finger so bad that I had to go to the doctor. In my 27 years I have never cut my finger so bad, like one piece is missing lol. I don’t think it will regrow and it’s okay. It hurts like crazy tho and I have never seen so much blood after getting cut. Like everything that can go bad, is going bad. Murphy’s law at its finest right now.

I slept for around 4-5 hours and woke up again at 3 AM. It’s so weird. I keep waking up between 3 and 4 AM and can’t really sleep anymore. This is happening for about 2-3 weeks now. Actually, since I stopped smoking weed the insomnia is crazy. A buddy of mine told me it has to do with being spiritual awakening. I was like “Yeah nice that spiritual thing, but brother for god sake let me sleep :joy:” I ordered some earplugs and a new sleep mask. I’ll hope that’s going to make some difference.

Despite everything that went bad, I had a really productive day. LE is still one of the most fast-acting, no-recon subs that I’ve ever tried. I love this shit. Oh, and I’m still grateful even when I’m angry and frustrated as hell. I’ll pull through that’s for sure.

6 Likes

I had such a wonderful higher power moment yesterday.

As stated before, yesterday was a challenging day. When I came home I was so tired but proud of my productivity and how I handled myself that day. I wanted to reward myself by watching an episode of daredevil and eating something nice. I put on the series and started to feel uncomfortable. This whisper came into my head “You have to go to the NA meeting tonight” and I right when that thought came my mind started to rationalize

“No you need your sleep, there are so many lights there and people. It will make you awake”

"You can go tomorrow, that meeting is sooner’

“Look at yourself, you deserve to be rested”

And many more…

So, I remembered a post that I posted here about working in the evening. That I’m not here to relax by doing things that are not helping me, I have to do the things I know deep in my heart are the right choice. I took a shower, put on some new clothes, and went to the NA meeting while it was freezing cold. I came there and instantly I started to feel stressed. My palm was sweating and I felt this anxious sweat (the one that smells horrible lol) coming down in my clothes. Luckily I put on some aftershave and hoped it would mask the smell.

After a couple of shares, I started my share about the anxiety I’m feeling about my business. But for some reason, I couldn’t find the right words. Something that really irritates me because of:

That means my communication and writing have to be perfect and on point. Sometimes I get frustrated that I can’t explain my thoughts in the way I want to. Especially in writing and writing in a foreign language like I’m doing now.

After all the shares I was almost shaking in my chair, it was such an uncomfortable feeling and I wanted to leave. This has to do with my ego, which I totally understand. I try to say this without judgment, but I see a lot of people in NA and AA that are full-blown fuck-ups. They were in prison, hurt women/people they cared about, and came from different clinics because they were a danger to themselves. I never let it come that far. Because I’m mister nice guy that is a people’s pleasure. I always think about how to make other people happy and satisfied that I forget my own needs. This is selfish in itself because I don’t honestly tell people what I want and expect. But I never hurt anyone except myself because I have no family anymore.

Since I was 20, I always tried to get better. I studied, I took courses, I tried almost every diet, and waking up early and hired coaches. Even when I was using heavily and sometimes get stoned on my job. It never hurt anybody but myself. I was an expert in maintaining a “successful” life from the outside while failing and lying all day long. That’s because I had this mantra for years.

The talent that has been given to you is not yours. It’s to serve other people and the world. When you don’t try to expand on that talent is the most selfish and egoïstic thing you can do. People need you and you’re unique approach to this world. It’s your responsibility to give it in the fullest form to the world.

My ego is using those experiences and thoughts to not go to NA. Because I’m not that low that I need to sit in this group. It’s based on a lot of judgment and insecurities. That’s why I’m so proud that I go to these meetings. I know they help and that they are one of the best things to dissolve parts of my ego that I don’t like. Especially lying to other people and telling white lies.

Now on the end of the meeting, some guy was sharing that he was starting as a youth worker and had no clue what he was doing. Instantly I had this urge to go to him and tell him that I have years of experience in social work and that I teach youth workers about their field of work. For me, when I feel needed some type of energy is coming up that feels limitless. Like everything in my body is working at ones. When I feel needed, my flow state, my focus, and everything are just going nuts.

I walked to him after the meeting and told him that I teach and I would love to help him. He got really happy and said what’s your number? I gave him my number and texted him directly “Don’t hesitate to call or ask any question that you have. I gladly help you”

The moment I send that message this thought came into my head “Great advice Jim, Maybe an idea to follow up on it yourself?” and I started laughing in myself and walked away with a big smile :joy:

Then I came home and understood why I was sent there by my higher power.

Now here comes the kicker. I slept much better last night while still waking up at 3 AM. better than all those days that I tried my nighttime routine. The more I let go, The better my life becomes

Thank you all that I could share this with Y’all (OOH a new way of describing my thoughts :nerd_face: :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:)

5 Likes

Last day of my cycle (I guess? I always forget lol)

Today I was meeting a recruiter that has a huge network of schools here in the Netherlands. Some other freelance teachers recommended me to her. I had no idea how big of a company this is. They have so many different types of jobs to do and they are connected with all the big colleges here in the Netherlands. We were talking over zoom and I really liked this woman. We had the same vision about education and social work in general. She said to me “You seem really confident without having any degree, we don’t see that often” and I said, “I don’t mean this in an arrogant way, but I know I’m good and better than most teachers I came across”. Here in the Netherlands teaching without a degree almost never happens. You need a PDG (Pedagogisch Didactisch getuigenschift) to teach.

Now. This right here

This is a huge fucking milestone for me

I was kind of blown away by my own answer. This is the confidence that I lost when I was 19-20—pure and raw confidence about my abilities, not this fake arrogance or weak boy shit. I was so honest in this conversation. I did not manipulate or made my own story/experiences better this time because I know the real experiences that I have are already enough. I can’t put into words how proud I am of that.

1 hour later she said, “When can you start? I would love to give you some offers from a different school”. I am so grateful for the opportunities that are coming my way without any effort. It’s the definition of letting it flow.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m humble in my learning journey. I just started teaching around 5-6 months now, but I finally found my purpose in life. I know this is exactly what I should do in this world. I already figured that out the first time I stood in front of a class without nerves or any problems. But now it clicked in my mind because I am fully sober and going through all the challenges that life is giving me these last couple of weeks/months. I will study for my teaching degree because I want to be better and see how far I can get this. I feel this passion fire in myself burning, the desire to work at my craft when I’m free. I am fucking tired brothers and this is the first moment that I stopped working. A colleague asked me if I had any idea’s for her classes tomorrow because she had no time. I took I think 1-2 hours this evening to collect some of my work and sent it to her. I loved every minute of it. I was still answering e-mails and doing all types of work. After I was done with that, I went straight to this magical place and wrote about my day (LE god I love you)

Now I’m going to bed and sleep until 3 AM, wake up with some weird withdrawal symptoms like sweat and not being able to sleep any further. I will happily wake up and be grateful for the 4 hours of sleep. This night I even woke up at 2:30 and was so tired that I started singing and laughing about the situation while in bed :joy: I feel so much stress in my body and pain, but I am not giving in.

I’m starting to understand more and more why most teachers say that suffering is the only way to grow. I even started to like it. I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Today was so difficult, but still so rewarding.

I love all of you and sleep well (Do it for me :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:)

8 Likes

Woke up at 3 again, and these insomnia problems are not going away. At the NA meeting, they told me these withdrawal symptoms can go on for months. Let’s hope it’s not coming to that.

Went to the gym and did some cardio but was really tired of course. I was looking at some guy lifting weights which was painful because I miss it so much. Because of the leaky gut and not stretching for years, I have this build of inflammation in my joints and muscles that I can’t train. Combine that with no sleep and you have this vicious circle that ends in frustration, pain, and sadness. Fitness is my therapy and the only thing I should do is stretch. But stretching ain’t my therapy, I really hate it because it hurts like hell.

I would love to just bang out all this rage and sadness and frustration about my addiction. It even became worse when I went to the NA meeting. My ego hates, absolutely hates going to these meetings. Especially because things are going better in my life. As I posted above, my confidence is coming back and I’m really loving working on my business. But while doing that, I still have to face the fact that I’m an addict and that I have this disease so to say that I can’t handle it alone. It’s very conflicting for me because I want to handle it alone and deal with everything without any help. What is a dumbass thought if I look at it, but it’s how my brain operates sometimes.

After I came back I was so sad and angry that I just let go for a bit. I tried to run in form of escapism with candy, cookies, and some entertainment. Thank God I didn’t go any further. Of course, it didn’t help and I started walking while listening to a tape that some guy from NA send me after the meeting. I know, I know I have to call him and say that it’s not going right at this moment. Instead, I texted him and I said that I have a lot of trouble right now and I have huge resistance to calling him. He texted back I call you in one hour.

I’m really sad and confused right now while being proud of myself for reaching out and getting through this resistance. I knew I had to share it with you guys as well. I want to be honest here, with the good and the bad.

I managed another day while being extremely hard. I’m not complaining, just stating my thoughts and feelings. I am grateful for this struggle and pain, it will serve me more then I can every imagine.

2 Likes

Today was the definition of the “Seeker of Truth” day

To give a quick summary:
As you know I’m working as a teacher and I will start as a freelancer on the 1st of march. This is honestly because of the school. I asked them if I could work as a freelancer instead of an employee because it’s better for me to work for myself. They were a bit disappointed, but they agreed and gave me a nice offer to start as a freelancer I am really grateful because, without them, I never knew that teaching is what I am supposed to do in this world.

When we were negotiating, I was ill-prepared. I just walked into the meeting without doing any background. I asked for 60 because I knew freelancers get around 60-75 in education. She said that this was way too much and that most teachers start at 35 (I’m talking about euro btw). I knew this was a lie and that she was lying to me, but I just listened to what they had to say. A couple of days later they made me an offer. 400 euro’s a day. This means pre-work, 6 hours of class, after work, e-mail contacts, and checking reports and exams of the students. I knew by then, that most teachers made 50 euros per hour and got 20 mins per examen to check. We mostly work with reports instead of tests. Because I literally went to all the teachers and asked how they made lol, straight up no shame haha. Most of them were pleased and surprised that I had the guts to ask them that. Purely because I’m new to this.

Most told me that they made 50 euro’s an hour. Everybody had different preparation times, but most of them got 20min for checking exams and 1-2 hours of preparation time. When I started to count, I knew with a rate of 50 euros, that would make 8 hours a day. Our lesson days are 6 hours + 1 hour of preparation and 1 hour afterwork. That means 350-400 hours a day.

As stated, they offered me 400 for all-inclusive, but to me, this was not enough. I want to have 400 a day like most teachers, and get paid for the checking of reports. Especially because they are growing very fast and most classes are changing from 16 to 28. That means almost double the check work without getting paid for it. I didn’t like it, I want to get paid for what I do, not a penny more or less.

So I went back to them and told them “I’m a bit hesitant about the check work that’s not getting paid, that’s a bit dangerous” Now my female boss lost it. Getting really agitated and pissed that I was negotiating because they did so much for me. To me business is business, no emotions attached.

She said “Nooo this is an amazing offer!! if you don’t take this then I will give you nothing etc. etc. etc.” She started to emotionally manipulate me. The same way my mother did to me when I was a child. So what happened? I acted like my 7-year-old self and said “oke I agree to 400 euro’s a day” Feeling absolutely terrible because I know most teachers make 50 A hour.

Now, not to brag but my review is a 9,5 average. I have the most students reply to the evaluation of all the teachers and one of the highest scores. Most students tell me that I’m the best teacher they have got in this school. They finally learn something instead of a guy that’s just reading the PowerPoint and doing nothing else. Again NA teaches me to be humble, but I know in my heart I deserve this and that I’m exceptional well in this craft. Today again students told me after the lesson “I learned absolutely nothing at this school. But you and Jaco (Another new teacher) are the only ones that actually teach me something”. Honestly, this pissed me off. You are a teacher, do your fucking job, and don’t waste your student’s time. It’s a privilege to have people in a class to spend their time (what they paid for) with you. Do your absolute best to teach them in the best way possible.

I always make my own lessons, I adjust them with every class to meet the needs of my students. I take time in my feedback and really try to learn and educate my students. I even work on the weekends and do it with the most joy while being in rehab and having these heavy withdrawal symptoms. Most colleges always laugh at my feedback because it’s so long. They tell me that I can make it much shorter and the exam commission doesn’t care. I don’t give a damn about that, I want my students to learn.

So now that I’m sober and my confidence and clarity are slowly coming back. I was like “Wait a minute, I am not going to get paid less than teachers that don’t perform as well” I don’t have to be paid the most, but I will definitely not be the last. So I made a new offer and presented it today.

Today I had a meeting to talk about the planning for next march. Instead of planning, I wrote a new offer to them for 50 euros an hour with 20 min examen time. Also because my bargaining position changed because this other school wants to give me work and pays more. Of course, my boss got irritated again, but this time I did not let myself get emotionally manipulated. He was lying, straight in my face. Telling me that most teachers make less than me and that this is an amazing offer. They even got mad that I asked other teachers what they got paid. I told them honestly. I understood why he got mad because I confronted his lies with the truth. Nobody likes that.

I felt this kid coming up again and while in conversations I told myself “No, I deserve this, I speak the truth here and they are lying. I’m not gonna back down and accept less while I’m worth much more”. So I ended with “This is my offer, I won’t accept the 400 euro and explained why. I can go to the other school without any problems and get paid €20 per hour more. The reason that I stay is that I’m grateful because if you guys never put me in front of a class, I would never figure out that teaching is my passion. That’s why I don’t want to leave, I like it here. If that means you can only give me 2 days instead of 3, I don’t mind and take that. But I will get paid the same as the other teachers and this is my price.” He tried to guilt trip me one more time, but I hold firm.

We will sit next Thursday again and he will tell me if he accepts my offer. Whether he accepts it or not, I can look into the mirror now I spoke the truth and respected myself. Something I have not done in a long time.

When I got home, I was writing this message with a lot of judgment. That’s why I took some time to really reflect on what happened before typing it here. Because to me, this journal/forum is sacred ground. I went on my knees and sent out a question in prayer. I asked him if I was being selfish because I did not agree with the 400 euros. I felt peaceful after that, a bit scared, but peaceful. I feel it was the right decision and I’m glad that I stood up for myself and spoke my truth.

I’ll keep you guys posted what the offer is next Thursday.

Love you all

7 Likes

Jim, you’re doing some amazing work. I honestly teared up a bit reading this as you come of as a teacher who genuinely cares about their students and you deserve better treatment. You did the right thing, you knew your worth, stood your ground. Overcame your fears and won over them. Reminded me of a teacher in my school that I will always remember for being so caring and passionate in teaching her students. In that same way, I’m certain your students will continue to remember you and your lessons as they enter the adult world :railway_track: .

May all go well for your teaching journey :pray:

3 Likes

Thanks brother for your kind and encouraging words, they mean a lot to me :heart: :pray:

I wish you all the best on your journey as well :pray:

2 Likes

Hmmm first day after a 6 day rest period. What I figure out is that the first 2 rest days give me heavy recon and then it is gone. I had a nice couple of days without the sub and I was hesitant to start again today. Because it was time for a new cycle, I did one loop of RM and LE. Bad mistake because I have been sleeping poorly. I had such heavy recon in combination with my leaky gut, it was not a nice teaching day so to say haha.

Maybe I should implement Paragon this cycle instead of RM or RoM. I really want to heal this gut problem of mine and it never really goes away. The problem is that I need to have such a strict diet what I find difficult to handle. Will find a way tho.

1 Like

They accepted my offer! :heart:

I will be one of the best-paid teachers there without a degree. Since I am letting God more into my life, everything is just getting better and better :pray:

and of course Subclub :wink:

7 Likes